My So-Called Gender

My name is Lyra. I am a trans woman I use (She/Her pronouns), a writer, and sometimes an artist. This blog will have some of that and about my transition. If you are curious about anything my ask box is always open.

[mysocalledgender]

I need to reread my posts better before posting. Forgot a word in that last one. Fixed now. Just. blah. So tempted to go back to sleep. Assuming I even could.

[mysocalledgender]

Why is it one asshole can ruin a fucking day?

Also I really wish that my brains solution to every fucking thing big or small wasn’t boiling down to “just kill yourself”

These two things aren’t entirely related, just got too much on my mind. I wish I could escape my problems somehow but everything is inevitable.

Tbh brain, that solution sounds more and more enticing all the time.

[mysocalledgender]

I couldn’t sleep at all last night, i think i got maybe an hour this morning. But during that time awake I managed to clean up my website and set up my new twitter. It may not be another chapter done but at least I was somewhat productive.

I really need to find some more stuff to post on my website. It’s so barren. I’ve been having a hard time keeping myself from removing the only real content on there. A lot of shitty attempts at poetry.

[mysocalledgender]

I decided to restart my twitter fresh. It’s going to be geared towards being an author twitter instead of a whining twitter like my old one tended to be. Anyway thats what tumblr is for. :)

Going to try to make the focus of it be on writing, both in who i follow, friends are exceptions of course, and what i post. I’m not going to be too strict on the posting part but I want to at least keep a lot of my negativity off it if I can.

For those that want to follow it just send me a message or if you already know my first and last name it’s that for the handle. I still feel weird being too open about things like names and pictures and such on tumblr. This just feels more like my privately public space.

[mysocalledgender]

Been working on my book more lately. Actually got a couple chapters done. Been watching a lot of youtube videos on story structure and such.

Going to need to get some beta readers soon. That should be fun. And scary. I need to get some lgbt+ readers for sure to make sure I’m getting stuff right and not fucking things up.

Oh also I’m already prepping for NaNo, going to give it a try again this year on my side book series about a teen witch in an urban fantasy setting. Aiming for a sort of Nancy Drew with magic feel for them. Whereas my main book is more Adult fantasy sorta, maybe it could pass for YA. We’ll see.

[mioxenoblade]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=48fbH6aef2E

[i-am-not-a-guardian-deactivated]

if you would be so kind as to reblog this if you feel insecure about your writing skills.

[mysocalledgender]

I’m so fucking torn right now. My mom wants to do dinner for my bday with me but I still fucking hate her and she refuses to admit to having done anything wrong in the past.

But...

My dad is still being a dick about my transition and won’t even talk to me on the phone, even going so far as to try to send messages through his fiance instead of texting me directly.

It would be nice to have one parent at least. But she’s so fucking toxic and such a horrible person.

Idk what to do. I want to keep up the “fuck that” attitude towards her but my dad is making that really hard.

Idk...

[mysocalledgender]

I’m so fucking done with this life bullshit. I can’t do anything without feeling afraid something might happen if I go anywhere. Shit keeps on breaking on me. My meds still suck. I don’t know what I want to do with my writing. I’m sick of being repulsive to look at. I’ll never lose the weight I need to for surgery.

I just want to die already.

Please?

[thebrokengenderqueer]

[suddenly-sara]

My life story in one tweet.

[lesbianchemicalplant]

There’s now a gofundme for Maddie, the 12 year-old trans girl being witchhunted, so her family can move somewhere safer: https://www.gofundme.com/move4maddie

[arandomthot]

This hits home a little too hard

[mysocalledgender]

So I decided to give Scrivener another shot. Got all my chapters sorted into it. Kinda like how it sets them all up. Hoping this gets me to work more on the novel. At least in the downtime between screenplays. Currently giving myself a small break from the one I’m working on for the contest.

I really love this book, I just wish it was already finished so I could share it with people. After setting it up in the app I count about 8 chapters missing that I need to write still. After that it will be a solid draft to show people. Currently it’s missing a whole adventure for one of the secondary main characters.

I wish this book would work as a film script but there’s just too much to it. Would probably be 3+ hours easy if I did. Idk, eventually I’ll get this thing done.

[56blogsstillcrazy]

spoil her 2017

[mysocalledgender]

I kinda feel judged. This Ad implies at least 4 people for that many nuggets.

[dreamilypurpleoutcast]

[quasi-normalcy]

…This is actually a really fucking good idea?

[mysocalledgender]

So an update on whats going on with me.

I submitted a script to this years Nicholls Fellowship. Didn’t make it to the quarter finals though. Still, that was something I’ve wanted to do for years. I’m planning on submitting to Zoetrope’s screenplay contest at the start of September. Same script but a bit edited.

My family has pretty much abandoned me. And by family I mean my dad. My sister was already ignoring me as well as my brother. And I still can’t stand my mother. So that sucks. He even got engaged recently and still hasn’t told me himself. I found out because I have his gf now fiance, on FB. Not sure why I have her on there tbh. I might make a post on him later. Kinda need to vent on it anyway. Been dealing with it since the begining of the year and he refuses to talk about it.

We are moving soon. The gf is buying her own house so that’s kinda exciting yet stressful. Going to have to move out to the desert though due to budget. Not happy about that but will be nice to have our own place again.

My depression is all over the place. I spend most days laying in bed staring at the ceiling because nothing is interesting and all I want is to die. Considering recently I was denied my bariatric surgery because of the suicide risks, which shuts down my hopes of losing enough weight for my bottom surgery, I’m doing really fucking badly. I have no real hope left, I don’t know why I’m still here.

I don’t know. I keep trying to push forward with my writing, in hopes it leads somewhere, but even that isn’t helping my mood.

[mysocalledgender]

I miss tumblr. Twitter is cool and all, but I feel I can be more myself here usually. I’ve just been so scatterbrained lately. A lot of which I blame on the ECT. I keep forgetting things way too often. That was such a mistake. Though to be fair it did work for a while. It was nice to have a month or two of not wanting to kill myself. Wasn’t worth it though.