Diary of a Twenty Something!

The Rambling's And Ranting's Of My Life And Others

[lavendergin]

[mysticalmems]

I'm so bored of writing posts about how my brain makes me feel like shit. This really is getting old now.................. Where on earth is my silver lining and how do I pick myself up from this deep funk? I know it is in my control, and these are just feelings, chemical reactions in the brain that are essentially subjective to each individual person.. maybe I'm just choosing to interpret my body in the wrong way. Regardless of the theory..........I am so bored of it all, but I feel powerless to stop myself from feeling powerless. (Oh the irony!) Me! Xxxx

[teachagainstfascism]

i just have this persistent feeling of “i’m not doing enough” combined with “i don’t have the energy to do anything” and it just really fucking sucks

[mysticalmems]

I had a super productive psychology appointment yesterday and learned a vital lesson about myself..............the lesson being that I never allow myself to celebrate my own achievements. Instead only focusing on the things I have done wrong or how i can improve next time round. She told me that I have made progress in our sessions and in life, the situations that did scare the crap out of me, like my London trip.....i did manage to do without anything untoward happening. However, my reaction to these things is always "Well I feel anxious, or I don't feel quite as calm as I would like to etc" rather than focusing on the fact I did the activity and I came through it fine. I really should learn to cut myself some slack! Although I have recognised the error in my ways I know it is going to be almost impossible to put into practice. Either way I do feel like I've made a step in the right direction towards recovery from all of this. 🙂 Me! Xxxx

[gothicprep]

instead of learning from my mistakes i like to dwell on them until i have a panic attack

[mysticalmems]

Well this is awfully relatable. Damn

[crushedhope]

[mysticalmems]

The rain battering down on the window ledges outside greatly reflects the mood I am currently in. Miserable

[deerboywonder]

who else has completely detached from reality and is sitting in numbness and white noise

[mysticalmems]

Donald Trump winning the presidency is really not good for my anxiety issues! I am genuinely losing my faith in humanity, we are living in a truly scary world right now. It seems to be the 'in' thing to hate Thy neighbour.. ............. It's just so so sad 😭

[mysticalmems]

Just some thoughts..........

My brain really is not playing ball, and I just don’t see a way out. I am starting to think thoughts that never entered my head before. Really depressive, self-destructive horrible thoughts that then catapult me into a deep dark pit of self disgust and guilt.

I am continuing to have weekly visits to a psychologist, but I feel like the journey to recovery is like climbing mount Everest with flip flops on....completely impossible! I really am trying super hard to feel better and artificially inject positive thoughts into my mind in the hope that it will drastically lift my mood and make me miraculously better.

I have a constant yearning for change in my life, whether that be careerwise, or romantically but I cannot pinpoint exactly what it is that makes me feel unfulfilled. However, without the understanding of what it is that I want I am completely unable to set a goal and work towards it.

I know I was given this second chance, and I feel such responsibility to fulfill everyones euphoric expectations of the woman who laps up every opportunity without fear. Society has this misconception that people who have dealt with any kind of trauma, and survived that traumatic event as being courageous and positive all of the time. Obviously this is not true, but the notion leads to people like me feeling wholly inadequate much of the time. I am not brave, nor do I want to be anyone’s inspiration right now.

The past week I have been off sick with a chest infection, which obviously hasnt helped my mood, however despite it, the thought of going back to work tomorrow, and ensuing some kind of normality and engaging in human interaction fills me with utter dread.

I want all this to end................................it really is becoming too much to cope with and I have had enough of constantly being in fear.

Me xxxx

[mysticalmems]

[mysticalmems]

[mysticalmems]

I am laid in bed, my feet neatly tucked in amongst the duvet, my head resting amongst three soft feathery pillows, and it is so warm and toasty here. Why oh why do I have to get up to do my day, I just want to lay here on this cosy warm heaven forever. I really need to stop pressing snooze and get up............................. What a shame.

[mysticalmems]

I am going to London on Saturday and the worry is setting in dramatically. I have this overwhelming feeling of dread.

I am so sick of feeling like this.......I thought I was starting to get better, but as soon as a big obstacle like this is thrown at me, I am once again left paralyzed with fear.

God knows how I am going to feel by the end of the week.................

I hate this.

[mysticalmems]

I feel like the world is impounding on me and I have no control over it. It's all so out of control, people are relying on me even when it's not my responsibility to sort their lives out. I just want to be in control of my own life! Xxxx

[mysticalmems]

I am currently laid in bed in a hotel room in Leeds, hungover to hell after partying very hard last night! My heart is pounding insane amounts and the room is spinning! But I did enjoy the antics I got up to! Yes I am heading for the big 3-0 birthday, but I am still capable of partying like an 18yr old!! Ill go now..........hopefully the waltzer will stop spinning my head round soon! Me! Xxxx

[desenharts-deactivated20151213]