The pressure keeps building. I thought I could I could hold it all in but it seems my thoughts have ran out of a place to hide. Each moment of the day the tears continue to fall. I cry and I cry but still cant seem to grasp the meaning of my life. Everyone states that I'm here for a reason, is my reason to fail because that's all I've done with my life. I drift away when I'm working or talking with friends. I'm never really there anymore. Who knows what I'm feeling? They say I do. But there is no one feeling that I feel. I feel helpless, lonely, pointless, etc.. So what's my reasoning for continuing my life? For my family, those bloody fuckers don't really give a damn about me. I am quite sure my presence is just annoying and they prefer it better if I just stay away. I prefer to be alone. In the comfort of my room where it is pitch black. I prefer to drive with no music so I can think about my what ifs, if I decided to die.. Who would really notice? I leave my home for hours on end, does anyone check on me? Does anyone really know the depth of my pain? Others say, well there's someone out there doing worse than you, yes understandable but they're not me. They're not feeling the way I am. I don't take advantage anyone or anything.. I have been the nicest person to everyone I know.. And the question still remains, who would really notice if I was around still? Who would really care? Pain gets so bad that I've started burning myself with whatever I could find. I will take a match or a cigarette to my arms, you see the wounds, but you don't wonder how I got these scars. Who really cares? Would you care if I bled out on the carpet, or would you just be mad that there's a bloody stain there? It's pain like this where I wish I could die, I've thought about taking my life. How I would do it.. And my best bet is to crash my car. Die on impact, instead of drowning and feeling the pain or cutting myself waiting to bleed out or overdosing, yeah I've tried that one before. Someone found me before I could die, they saved me when I didn't want to be saved. I was in the bathroom and became unresponsive. I wanted so badly to die. I ended up in a mental hospital for a week straight. I had no visitors, no family. Nobody to care about me. I only got out cuz I played the system. I played like I was all honky dory when in actuality, I needed to stay in there. I have definitely cried a thousand times. I'm even crying as I write this. But these are my feelings.. Laid out on the table. I constantly think of suicide... But I don't act, why? What's keeping me here? A woman.. Destined for the air force, she cares but to a certain extent. I love her though.. Most people will ask, how to love someone if you don't love yourself. I love myself, but I'd love myself more if I were dead.
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