my thoughts about it

i like music. i have opinions. i put them here.

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

queerness becoming mainstream

I can't speak for everyone but the queer artists becoming more mainstream has done wonders for my self acceptance. artists like muna, boygenius (both as a band and solo), ethel cain and many more becoming so wide spread is so incredible. this post was inspired by watching phoebe coming out on stage with muna at coachella and singing her verse of silk chiffon. and then lucy and julien running out to sing a song celebrating queer love. that's really it. these bands where every single one of them is so proud to be queer and not even being an advocate for queer people but just happy to speak about their experiences like its no being deal. which it isn't but you get what i mean. i fucking love it. it makes me so happy to accept who i am as a lesbian. like look at those cooling fucking lesbian/queer people on stage! singing about lesbian culture and experience! fuck yeah!

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

hmmm

its so scary to know with such surety that you're a lesbian but really putting that label on it means its real and you'll eventually marry a woman in front of your family some of which is not really going to be super accepting but this is real life and its either you hide from them forever or you just be proud of yourself for once. so.

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

apps

there is something so gut-wrenching and invalidating about being a wlw person struggling with their identity and turning women only back on their apps (men were only on for the momentary ego boost that soon renders itself absolutely disgusting and you feel triple times worse) to get no matches or likes or anything from women. its either male validation or none at all it seems. im “attractive” enough for men to say gross things to but not attractive enough to gain the attention of any women which is the most genuine pursuit. its shit im nothing but shit. not that im guaranteed any matches or likes or anything im not saying it in that way im just saying it feels horrible for my identity and all that. I know I shouldn't base my worth in others and I don't all of the time but sometimes you need to take what you can get which evidently is nothing goodbye

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

windows

ii try to combat waking up depressed by immediately turning on an “upbeat!” playlist when ii get up. it’s not really all that upbeat and probably doesn't work. ii don't let myself linger in my sheets and try to force myself to get going on something as soon as im up so those feelings don't creep in. so ii don't just sit unable to move all day. this morning went a little different. my bedroom windows overlooking the city can be either really inspiring or really oppressive, this typically changes with the glance. this morning, overcast but bright, they felt really inspiring. ii didn’t need my “upbeat!” playlist. ii turned on a favorite melancholy song of mine. ii admired my unmade bed in the light from the open windows. ii opened the sash to get some fresh air in. ii pulled out my computer to write this. in the time it took to start and finish this, the windows became quite oppressive. will try again tomorrow. 

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

12:00 AM - 13 March

There is something so isolating about watching the clock strike 12, making it your birthday. The only thing to be heard is the cars passing in the street outside. It’s raining, you can hear their tires splashing. The curtains are open in hopes that the city outside will make you feel alive this year. You get one text from your best friend wishing you happy birthday. You love her. The few texts from other people, not birthday related, and the cars outside remind you that the world goes on. You are so small, nobody cares if you're turning 23. 23 has been done millions of times before. Yours is incredibly insignificant. You think back on all of the millions of people you’ve been before. It’s oppressive and nostalgia makes you're heart ache. You pretend to hate that but it gives you something to write about. TV’s flicker in the windows of the neighboring buildings. Just another midnight for them. You hope that the city outside will make you feel alive this year. 

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

I struggle immensely on the idea of how to live in this time. It feels so right to be angry. Obviously, in my life, I experience a lot of love and privilege, but just generally, everything is angering. I don't know what would be the better thing to do, challenge and oppose everything- use the anger. Or should I take happiness from the small and mundane things and try to ignore the anger or at least soothe it? Do I focus on destruction and angst of these oppressive bodies or do I relish in the liberties I am able to take for the time being? It’s frustrating and confusing

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

a complete 180 very sorry

this post will be a complete 180 from anything you’ve read from me before but I need to get it written. I had the privilege of meeting matty and george the other day (among others) and I do have to say that they are the most kind people I've met. The absolute genuineness and the care for a one time run in is something that will never leave me. I know there was the YouTube video about rehearsing what to say when running into fans and such but this did not go that way at all. They were so real and thoughtful and nice to the point that anything I had ever said negative about matty before I take back now. It is just so nice and refreshing to meet your favorites and have them exceed your expectations of how amazing they were. It was revealed to me what type of people they really are what they really do stand for among all of the discussion about it, and it’s a wonderful thing. I love them so much, and I love the band so much, nothing will ever change that. I’ve never been happier.

[mythoughtsaboutthat]

intro

so i’m just going to put this out there. my favorite artists are the 1975, harry styles, led zeppelin, and the beatles. the main point of this blog is to be able to have a space to write some think pieces on them, as i constantly have new ideas and thoughts. i also think album reviews might be a thing but we will see. p.s. i was going to do a post on matty healy’s genius, but i don't feel like flattering him right now (refer to podcast controversy), so i will hold out on that. for anything else, stay tuned :)