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@myuntitledwords
"Do you understand the violence it took to become this gentle?"
I realised today ...
While I have been grieving this event that has occurred recently...
That I don't know what it feels like to be protected. Or held... Which means that no matter how hard I have tried to do those things for myself... I never do it right, and I end up in situations where I am used and abused in some way shape or form.
And with this realisation I ask:
When is someone going to hold and protect me? I want to know what it is like.
Please. . .
I'm tired
I got snarky at snapped at my friend again because of my housemate situation. I think she is going to not want to continue the friendship. And you know what? That's fair... I have a lot to work on and she deserves better than what I have as me right now...
But I have noticed, that ever since I decided to move in with this selfish bitch of a housemate, when I chose this friendship over myself and others, I lost people in my life. I hate her so much. And I hate myself for making that decision
“You’re giving them your power when they have none.”
How they manipulate you into doing that? I still don't know the answer.
I break my own heart by expecting people to be as attached to me as I am to them.
It hurts when you realize you aren't as important to someone as you thought you were.
Your entitled entitlement is showing, Dear eldest sister.....
Why oh why dear eldest sister, do you honestly believe that I want to hear from you again?
After I walked away; a second time from the family.
A second time from the lack of support
A second time from the gaslighting
A second time from the abuse
A second time from the toxicity
Why oh why do you honestly believe that I would be happy to see your name pop up on my screen saying that I received a message from you on LinkedIn?
Not only are you entitled, you are... Delusional as well.
Also, Linkedin is for job networking, not contacting someone who wants nothing to do with you.
You say your a systems person? But you're using this system out of scope. And every system has a scope. A framework, a purpose.
Ah yes, you know all about that don't you? Dear eldest sister.
The framework was our family dysfunction and it was my purpose to be the buffer, the scapegoat, the emotional regulator, the fixer. And it was your purpose to make sure that I would conform to that and stay that way. To uphold the family toxicity and dysfunction. You so needed to be the responsible eldest daughter, and uphold that framework and maintain the definitions and purpose that was assigned to all of us.
"you need to be more tolerant"
"you need to be more compassionate"
"you are the only one who can soothe her"
"you need to be more supportive"
"you need to be more..."
More... More... MORE! IS ALL YOU EVER TOOK FROM ME SO YOU COULD DO LESS!!!
I would call you crying because I needed help, your response, "I moved to new york to get away from all of this, you need to fix it" and then I hear you hang up. And then ever so quickly you're on the phone to the sister who was abusing me checking in with her to see if she was ok. You both discussing how cruel and selfish I am. And you accused me of betrayal when I walked away to find myself.
You claim to fix burnout? HA!
You caused it! You allowed it ! Dear eldest sister.
You are just as abusive as the other sister is. You are just as abusive as our 🤢 father. You are just as abusive as our 🤢 mother.
You are abusive. Dear eldest sister....
Why oh why do you still have the delusion that I would want to talk to you, after all these years?
Do you honestly believe that it will fix the bond? Repair the bridge? Pave the road?
YOU broke the bond last time, MULTIPLE times and you expected me to maintain it?!
I am not fooled by your fake offering. You make out that you want something and then bring none of he materials to build... And expect me to bring the tools and the resources. It's the same pattern. It's a choice... And I choose to not to fall for it again.
You expect me to be more.... And I expect you to be a non existent when it comes to my life, dear eldest sister.
Said to someone at work today,
"if the only way that they can make themselves look good, by making others look bad and claiming other people's work as their own, then you have hired the wrong person and that's a you problem and not a me problem by giving me more work to do"
Normalize apologizing after you were wrong instead of being defensive and disrespectful because you're embarrassed.
I'm worth so much, that people don't know how to value me.
So I am setting the value, and seeing who will rise to the occassion.
sometimes all you need is a break from people needing you. cause you need you.
And with some of these people, it's an indefinite break... Until further notice... and no notice will be given
it's all fun & games until i'm unreachable, unavailable and uninterested
I have started to do this, to measure reciprocity. I have discovered what relationships I won't be putting in the effort of maintaining. All this time, it was just me doing the maintenance.
I can’t afford another bond with the wrong soul.
leaving someone because they aren’t as intentional as you are is valid
I can always handle everything on my own but I melt when someone takes care of me and completely turns off my survival mode.