my youth is yours

hi this my shitty vent blog have fun i guess

[myxyouth]

OK. 

So here’s the scary thing about ppl like William who just go with the flow. I super don’t for one but more importantly, it’s scary bc i never go after anyone without reason to believe they’re already into me. Because I’m a fucking disaster zone and I don’t want the responsbility of getting someone else involved in that and letting them down. 

Specially being ace bc then it taps into all my anxieties of being rejected/never being loved bc i’m ace and so i’m terrified by letting someone in like that only to let them down. 

[myxyouth]

i just want someone to love me so badly 

and there’s literally nothing i can do

[myxyouth]

how close do i have to be before i can be noticed and touched

[myxyouth]

mtt... i just don’t know what to do you with you. i gave you fifteen thousand chances to get to know me and yet you stayed so superficial towards me. polite, friendly even, but apathetic to go any further than “she built the set.” 

i want to like you so bad. i want to BE you so bad, because i was you for a while there and i would like a home. but i can’t be mistreated time and time again and still be ok with it after. 

i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

[myxyouth]

[myxyouth]

i just want to be with the image of you

[myxyouth]

i feel like i don’t even know myself anymore

like i don’t know who i am

if eel like i’m my worst self when i’mm with scout and yet they’re really my only friend which means if i stop hanging out with them to work on myself i won’t have any friends and its not their fault anyways

and i hate feeling sorry for myself but i don’t know what else to do 

[richtide]

it doesn’t matter how good you’re doing, those sad nights will creep up on you from time to time and that’s ok. doesn’t mean all your progress is gone

[myxyouth]

i don’t understand what made my entire family switch from “oh honey yes its hard im sorry” to “this is adult life, this is how it’s going to be” but it’s really FUCKIN annoying thank you very much

[myxyouth]

i always end up wanting to blog during december, maybe because it’s a time of change? or maybe i’m just always lonely and only have my thoughts to keep my company and that gets old so fast that i feel like i need to spew them somewhere just to get rid of them.

i’ve been really depressed and it’s so hard not to get mad at everything all the time. i’ve really upset mom a couple times and i hate it. i don’t want to be the worst daughter in the world or seem ungrateful but at the same time i’m unhappy. and i can’t change that. or at least, it will take a very long time to change that. 

and i dislike how i keep rejecting easy options. like, seeing a therapist isn’t that hard and yet i keep needling away from it. and i can’t even figure out to myself why, which is really irritating. 

[fierysuggestion]

let it burn, let it cleanse, let it start anew and grow

[myxyouth]

camp (after a reading of Rose Gelfand’s To Carve a Person Out)

i still don’t know how to hate the thing i love. how to love the thing i hate. to re-learn what justice is in context. 

i feel scorched still, first-degree burns turning into second, year after year of rejection.

and yet - i still love.

how can i complain when i asked for it to be this way? how long have i been wrestling with my brain for an outcome i don’t obey?

and i look at their smiles. and i want to smile that way too. and i hate them for it. 

what it comes down to is: what is the myth and what is the truth? and which am i feeding myself?

[minuty]

[lifeinpoetry]

When I desire you a part of me is gone.

Anne Carson, “Eros the Bittersweet” (via lifeinpoetry)

[memoryslandscape-deactivated202]

These poems they are things that I do in the dark reaching for you whoever you are

June Jordan, from “These Poems,” Directed by Desire: The Collected Poems of June Jordan, ed. Jan Heller Levi and Sara Miles (Copper Canyon Press, 2007)  (via memoryslandscape)

[night-thyme]

Desire to me is one of the most complicated subjects in the world. I don’t think it can ever be exhausted. If I could understand why it is that I want what I want, I’m afraid that I would stop wanting it.

Sarah Nicole Prickett, Adult Magazine Founder (via night-thyme)

[teaforstephanie-blog]

Desire transforms us profoundly “inside,” alters the color, the smell, the temperature of the world for us, changes our experience of our bodies, commands us into a different mode.

Susan Bordo, The Male Body (via teaforstephanie)