to carry within us an orchard @namimikan - Tumblr Blog

intro post

about me. ‘93. lia. she/her, ig.

#housekeeping

????

They're taking over.

#agents of the four seasons #shunkashuutou daikousha

dramastream

MY ROYAL NEMESIS 멋진신세계 (2026), Ep. 02

darkness approaching

Shouldn't have made a dni for the school of medical skills. Maybe they could have told you about the mercury.

you FOOL. you utter BUFFOON! my royal alchemists already know about the HEALTHFUL and NUTRITIOUS mercury, which i take every day to achieve immortality! i don't need those quacks from the school of medical KILLS to tell me what is already common knowledge!

guards, execute this rube for wasting my time!

qin-shi-huang-di

*checks url* OH SHIT GUARDS GUARDS—

wait no this is outside of their jurisdiction. DAOIST WIZARD, EXORCISE THIS EVIL SPIRIT!!!

emperor-gaozu-of-han

lmao wouldn’t it be great if the daoist wizard was. know. allowed to interact

#qin shi huang

orochislayer

Positive affirmations:

I shall cut down all who stand in my way

qin-shi-huang-di

daily affirmations for the #sigma emperor!

qin-shi-huang-di

HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY AFFIRMATIONS! #myaffirmations GUARDS, EXECUTE THIS TRAITOR!

emperor-gaozu-of-han

Loyal subjects should try my affirmations instead 😊

#qin shi huang

andwhatexcellentboiledpotatoes

I am so sick and tired of having to charge stuff every day of my miserable life!! My phone, my watch, my headphones, my vibrator, my backup vibrator, my emergency vibrator, the ancient cursed amulet of darkness that whispers to me....it's too much!!!

#hm #yeah

qin-shi-huang-di

chat, I'm looking for a LOYAL AND VALIANT GENERAL for my upcoming military campaign against the state of Chu! If this sounds like you, please send your CV to the palace! as always, those who please me will be rewarded with noble titles and riches beyond their wildest dreams. failure will result in an agonising and drawn-out death, thanks!

qin-shi-huang-di

ok chat, here is my shortlist! candidate 1 is an Experienced General with a Proven Track Record and a long string of victories under his belt, who tells me he can conquer Chu if i give him 600,000 men.

i also have this other guy who is a young, unproven greenhorn who says he can do it with 300,000.

hmmm. choices, choices.

qin-shi-huang-di

HANG ON WHAT IS THIS????

WRONG DYNASTY, JACKASS! GO TERRORISE THE PATHETIC SONG DYNASTY!!!! MY HYPERMILITARISED SOCIETY #MYHYPERMILITARISEDSOCIETY WILL NEVER FALL TO THE BARBARIAN HOARDS!

GENERAL MENG TIAN!!!! ATTACK!!!!!

qin-shi-huang-di

> ❗ the CONFEDERATE XIONGNU TRIBES (the mongols don't exist yet, sorry) want to BATTLE! > general meng tian used 300,000 Army Attack! it's super effective! the xiongnu are forced 4,158 km into the steppes! (❗modu changyu will remember this.) > general meng tian used Big Frontier Wall by conscripting local peasants to perform forced labour! it's super effective! (-10,000 from peasant population). > the Big Frontier Wall is very innovative because it connects the prexisting walls built by previous dynasties, while using the mountainous geography as a natural barrier (+ 10 engineering!) > would you like to NAME your Big Frontier Wall? [yes / no / ask me again in 2000 years] >bonus achievement! general meng tian has invented the TWELVE-STRING BRIDGE ZITHER! (or 13 strings idk wikipedia wasn't very clear)

qin-shi-huang-di

great, that little headache has been taken care of and i can focus on DEFEATING THE STATE OF CHU! i pick the greenhorn. here's your 300,000 men, go nuts!

qin-shi-huang-di

by Heaven this can't be happening

qin-shi-huang-di

ok. cool. cool cool. no, don't apologise, mistakes happen. may I ask how many men you managed to bring back--totally routed and annihilated? ok. that is quite a setback. not ideal.

qin-shi-huang-di

@mod-zhao-gao can we please get general wang jian back in the palace? tell him i've got his 600,000 men. yeah we're going with his original plan. we ran into a small, unforeseen snag with general li xin and honestly i have no one to blame but myself. haha, there's egg on my face, for sure. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HIS SICK? WELL GO CARRY HIM TO THE PALACE THEN! WORK SOMETHING OUT!

grand-theft-carbohydrates

hiii, it's bixia's unpaid social media intern. i just wanted to pop in and tell everyone that this sequence of events basically follows the EXACT historical timeline. and no, i did NOT coordinate or plan this, it was just a fantastic coincidence.

qin-shi-huang-di

I DON'T PAY YOU TO SIT AROUND PONTIFICATING ON STATE AFFAIRS, PEASANT!

grand-theft-carbohydrates

forgive this worthless one for correcting you, bixia, but u don't pay me at all. also, bixia, this humble worm would like to suggest that you go to general wang jian and apologise in person. i think he's faking an illness because he's upset with being snubbed, and this show of sincerity will convince him to return to your service.

emperor-gaozu-of-han

ying zheng demonstrated remarkable understanding for Li Xin and whatever but hey. intern. i think scholars are great and history is important and you could come work for me and become a member of the social elite.

what do you say? eh? eh?

#qin shi huang

emperor-gaozu-of-han

I bring a sort of "rulers who abuse their power and exploit their people can be forcibly replaced by those who may not be perfect but will measurably increase the average person’s quality of life" vibe to the function that world rulers don’t really like

#qin shi huang

emperor-gaozu-of-han

undoubtedly i won history but lowkey ying zheng might be winning social media what with his inflammatory personality and habit of responding to trolls

man i’m just here chilling. living the good life. great wife taking care of state matters. fave concubine is always in mortal peril though so send prayers

grand-theft-carbohydrates

breaking kayfabe for a moment to say that i was honestly really shocked by just how much people loved qin shi huang (<- words that have never been strung togather since, ever, I think). and i really have all of u people to thank for it. i had a lot of fun researching, coming up with skits, answering people's questions, and inventing increasingly convoluted reasons to execute people. it was a HUGE highlight of 2025, back when i was really, really, really slogging through the thesis and (predictably) didn't go outside much. so, thank you citizens for keeping me sane through those dark times, one petition at a time.

in terms of writing the jokes, i think i had some fairly big advantages when it came to ying zheng, especially compared to a more niche historical figure, like cao cao, or liu bang ;) qin shi huang already has a cartoonish personality, and he is well-known enough to western audiences that most people would get the jokes/references. (c'mon guys, i thought the Pissing On The Poor joke was HILARIOUS. guess you PEASANTS don't know enough about confucianism to fully appreciate it UnU).

@thismetallicbird you had your job cut out for you. han gaozu is not an easy persona to adopt, and it takes a WHOLE lot more legwork to establish the relevant background knowledge for a western audience to understand the references. not to mention, personality-wise, han gaozu is just a little bit too cool. too well-adjusted to get bogged down in internet slapfights. as the kids say; he touches grass. when you look at his historical achievements, a key part of his success is his ability to withdraw from a pointless conflict (heqin), and be receptive to different perspectives (the adoption of confucianism). how is a peasant suppose to #cancel him? I think you've done a great job with your research, maintaining a consistent voice, both for him and my #girlboss lü zhi, while being funny with it. (i still burst out laughing when i see the Gay Emperor pinned post).

ying zheng on the other hand, is a maladjusted megalomanic with paper-thin skin and a short fuse. it takes very little to bait him, and even less to get him ranting. even when he wins an argument, he loses a whole lot more in dignity. (now, you may think it's unrealistic that the most wealthy and powerful man in the world would be up at 2am subtweeting @ joe_schmoe312 and working himself into a frenzy over imagined enemies and insults, but i have it on good authority that it's not altogether impossible!)

when i first started the blog, i had a half-formed goal in mind to make this somewhat educational, and i thought the first emperor of china would be a hilarious framing device through which to explore history. one of the cavates i set for myself is that ying zheng is not allowed to outright lie. he can be as deceitful and vainglorious as he wants, but the things he says must have an factual bias, however tenuous. this ended up having two benefits: 1) from a character standpoint, it creates an interesting line he refuses to cross, and it encourages people to actually dissect what he is saying, rather than disregard it wholecloth. 2) a historian is taught to be analytical and impartial; they must take a measured approach and weigh the relative merits and biases of their sources to get as close as possible to the truth. in a way, we are all historians because we are actively navigating history right now, separating fact from fiction, identifying when people are manipulating us, trying to sell us a story, ect ect. in order to do that, you need the right tools, and an important part of it is being able to evaluate sources. qin shi huang is not a man you can get a straightforward answer out of, he is extremely biased, often nefarious, and pushing an obvious agenda. although the agenda itself is 2000 years out of date, the rhetorical techniques he uses are evergreen, and sometimes, not all that exaggerated compared to what you see on the news. so, like a historian, you must take his biases into consideration and try to read between the lines to get to the heart of the matter. on my end, this was a fun writing exercise, because i had to reverse-engineer a bunch of facts to be as grotesquely biased as possible.

(my favourite bit was when he twisted liu bang's revolutionary awakening--his decision to rebel against the state and side with the prisoners he was guarding--into a hypocritical and cowardly act. A lot of people in the notes said qsh made a great point because liu bang only chose to rebel when it was his life being affected, and he was still perpetuating the same exploitative system (feudalism), while replacing it with an outwardly benevolent face.

i really liked the rhetorical technique being used here, because it mimics a type of bad-faith argument i see a lot, where the consistency and moral purity of a person is attacked, but their actions are ignored. qsh reframes the argument so the issue is no longer about his brutality, but liu bang's perceived hypocrisy “I was a ruthless but consistent ruler! you're just a cowardly turncoat!” qsh juxtaposes his own ideological purity with the inconsistent beliefs of liu bang, reframing the latter's moral growth as "selfish" and “manipulative”. never mind that when you actually dissect that argument, qsh's rock-solid belief is “the lives of commoners are expendable” and liu bang’s is “me and the other peasants are being treated unfairly. i think we should try to improve things somewhat.”)

thismetallicbird

It would not be an exaggeration to say a fair amount of what got me back on Tumblr after a hiatus was bixia and I’m so glad you like liu bang 🫶

I lack enough political acumen for him to be all that savvy (#1 tool = he’s just a guy!) but qsh’s rhetoric is endlessly entertaining and I was honestly surprised by how many people agreed with him. Not to say liu bang was without his faults but the attack on him as a person without considering the actual outcomes of each of their rule was … illuminating.

anyway I’m off on a long bike trip hope nothing happens to the great and glorious eternal empire of qin!!

qin-shi-huang-di

im not reading all that! delete your blogs!

#qin shi huang

wiimotion

How it feels to settle into bed and close my eyes and return to the totally made-up scenario I was last engrossed in

#animals!#kitties!#mood

battlefem-deactivated20170404

you wanna see some badass shit from the early 20th century?? The Lumière brothers created the first full color photograph… in fucking 1903! So these dudes dyed potatoes (in red, blue, and green), mashed them down into just pure fuckin’ starch, and used these dyed potato starches as filters to block out/let in certain wavelengths of light. They coated one side of a glass plate with the starches and sensitized the other side with a mixture of gelatin and light sensitive materials (silver nitrate) and loaded these plates in their cameras.. This is a really simple explanation of the process and I may have missed some things A few of my favorite autochrome photos:

itsoldjohn

that last one is literally a LOOK

cassiocantdrink

yes!

but lets not forget sergei prokudin-gorskiy, who developed a similar process in 1902, published in 1903 and then toured russia to take hundreds of color photographs:

AND the guy developed color slide processing as well. as a person fairly familiar with modern b/w processing at home, but never EVER stepping into color (negatives or slides) territory, i’d say, BAMF to the highest degree.

petermorwood

Here are a few more Prokudin-Gorskiy / Gorskii shots, and a reminder once again that these aren’t recently colourised BW images but original colour photos taken about 120 years ago. Many colourised pics don’t look this good. Some modern colour pics don’t look this good (as I know all too well. “Delete image Y/N? Y!”)

This is Leo Tolstoy, author of “War and Peace” and “Anna Karenina”.