The 629/926 tritype and people-pleasing
I read your old post about the Enneagram & people-pleasing (https://funkymbtifiction.tumblr.com/post/184965682165/can-someone-with-primary-or-auxiliary-fi-be-a) and had to laugh at myself about how ALL the numbers in my 926 tritype are motivated to people-please. A triple-whammy of being uncomfortable with conflict, caring a bit too much sometimes about other peopleās opinions, and struggling to express oneās own needs. Do you have any tips for dealing with the anxiety/stress this kind of combination can bring, as I remember youāve mentioned you also share this tritype in a different order? Conversely, do you think there are any strengths/assets to having this tritype? (so I can console myself after all the anxiety š).Ā Thank you so much for helping me find my tritype :)
Yeah, it is. I talk about it in depth here.
I think probably the biggest asset for me is ā I donāt and never have struggled with holding grudges. I can just forgive people (once I understand what motivated it, per my 6) and move on without harboring any deep resentments. A lot of the people around me struggle to forgive and forget and my anger just kind of ā¦ dissipates and goes away, sometimes immediately and other times over a few days or weeks. And believe me, that is an incredible asset, since thereās nothing worse or harder than fighting against being angry or wanting revenge all the time. Cinderella has this tritype and itās always a wonderful moment for me in the live action film where she forgives her stepmother as sheās going out the door, because ā sheās going into a brighter future, why would she carry the burden of past grievances with her?
The negative flip side of this, of course, is that this tritype is self-berating a lot, because it has a continuous desire to be a better person. All the fixes want to be more selfless and generous and strive for something more for themselves, and be kinder to people out of a 2-6 notion of what true goodness is like (less so with an 8 fix on the 9, but if they are 9w1 in particular ā thereās all that sense of āmoral rightā slipping in). All 269 combos can beat themselves up for their mistakes or failures or how they failed a relationship (and itās their fault) and be wondering why it happened or what went wrong and how they could have fixed itā¦ long after they have forgiven and forgotten the other personās sins, because they assume relationships are theirs to preserve, treasure, and fix (2). I would say this is the hardest thing to overcome, no matter what the order of your fixes are ā this ātaking the world onto my shoulders and making it my problemā aspect of relational habits. 269s have to learn that relationships can just fail, itās not their fault, they donāt have to fix every single one, they donāt need some people in their life, they need to realize and accept that some people are toxic or wrong for them or cannot be fixed or drain their energy, and it doesnāt make them a bad person to walk away from that guilt-free.
This usually is a good-natured tritype that wants to be happy ā but unlike the 279 isnāt in denial about the bad things, just doesnāt want to over-think about them. 2 and 9 together are always wanting to see the beauty of life, and focus on pleasant things, but 6 is also cautious and fearful. Altogether, it makes for probably the most pleasant (for other people) tritype to be around, because of the universally forgiving, generous, and sweet disposition ā but to put it bluntly, we can be too nice, too forgiving, and too willing to help. How you start to unpack your type is by starting with the fixes. For you, 6 and 2 are lower, which means you can learn to consider them āoptional.ā In other words, itāll be easy for you to notice 6 projections and anxieties and talk yourself out of them. For 2, you can ask yourself whether itās really your place or duty to āhelpā this person, or if they can do it for themselves. 2 fixers can learn to let people be independent and take care of themselves, rather than rushing to do it for them. You can also work through the uncomfortably self-exposing 2 questions of āam I doing this just so they will like me?ā Or āAm I angry at them because they donāt ādo unto meā the way I do unto them? Because I expect some payback in kind for my efforts?ā I realized I was 2 fixed the day I was mad at my best friend for not being supportive of me in the way I needed, but also realized I had never specifically told her what I wanted her to do, I had just been ādoingā that for her, hoping she would pay me back in kind. And then I 2w1ishly beat myself up about it. (You shouldnāt WANT or NEED things from your friends! You SHOULD be selfless and loving with no return!) Meh.
Regarding people-pleasing, you should seize your autonomy and realize that for most things, it is optional and you can say no without causing too much strife. I still want to people-please some, but over time people start taking advantage of you and that causes resentment in being used, and at some point, you start getting sick of it and start laying down more boundaries. I had one friend who would always appeal to me to spend time with her, even though I was busy and had other projects going ā and I would guilt-trip myself into saying yes out of a 2ish self-talk (she needs you, sheās lonely, she has no other friends who live here, you can take time off to be with her) ā¦ but I realized over time (and over the pandemic) thatā¦ she has actually managed to survive without me, she has gone weeks at a time without seeing me and not curled up and died of neglect, she can wait to see me until I am my best self, not a tired version of myself who has dragged myself to see her out of guilt rather than a desire to connect. Before I started telling this person, āI canāt, Iām busy this weekā she knew she could lean on me, be a little whiny about feeling lonely, and I would squeeze her in ā now she knows when I say I am busy, she has to wait. And thatās good for us both.
People deserve your best self, not your guilt-tripped self ā and donāt let them whine or plead or infer or guilt-trip you into things you donāt want to do. Say no and mean it. Thatās the best advice for this trype or any type with 9 as a central focus ā stand firm, set out a boundary, and defend it. If you are busy, say you are busy. Donāt give excuses, or over-explain, just say you cannot do it. If people push you, reaffirm āIām sorry, I know, but I canāt.ā Sooner or later, they quit because they know they canāt bully you into doing something for them.
Whatever your core is, is going to be the hardest thing to get under control. If it is 2, itās going to be image-seeking, attention-grabbing, and invasive āhelpingā whether that is to do physical things for people or offer unsolicited advice to help them cure their life problems. If it is 9, it is going to be numbing yourself out to conflict, refusing to assert your own wants and needs, and letting things go when you should address them (getting in touch with your anger). If itās 6, itās going to be over-thinking, being fearful-avoidant of attachments and sending people mixed signals, and projecting (āIām anxious about not being wanted, so I KNOW they are going to reject me and are sending me negative signals!ā). I fight the latter all the time and itās HARD, so I wonāt pretend getting over your core is a picnic, and anyone who says they have āaced itā and are now āa healthy version of their typeā is either mistyped or a liar. Weāre all wallowing in ourselves.
Itās funny, I can sense when someone else or even a fictional character has this tritype, because I see a lot of myself in them ā not in a Fi way, but in a tritype way. They say you understand best people who share your struggles and what you want to be per your tritypeās focus and needs and itās true. I can sniff out a 269 anywhere.
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