I wasn’t going to post this, but it might help somebody.
The first time it ever happened was a cold night in December, about two days before new years (2014). I had decided to finally hang out with my best friend who I had blown off for the past six months because I was so wrapped up in my new relationship. I told her that I would be busy and we were catching up, and my girlfriend at the time wasn’t very happy. She snap chatted me various things, one of which was “a little birdy told me to check your tires.” I was just sitting in my best friends living room catching up and reminiscing, when I realized. I went out to my car, and drove it to park next to my best friend’s town house. That’s when I realized my tire was completely deflated. She then texted me, “Just so you know, I cheated on you with Kyle.” I wanted to believe it was a lie, so badly. I could literally feel my heart break into a million pieces. She then texted me to come out to the corner, where she previously knew my car was parked. I didn’t know what to do, so my best friend and our old friend came out with us to the corner. She was clearly angry.. for what? I don’t know. She was yelling, and I was calm even though my whole body was shaking from the overwhelming sadness and anger raging inside of me. That’s when she hit me in the mouth. For a second I had no clue what had happened. I saw the way my best friend was looking at me, and the way she was looking at her. She was so disgusted with what had just happened. She witnessed her best friend since preschool being hit across the face by her girlfriend. My ex then sped away, and we went back to my best friend’s house. I then called my brother crying. I told him what had happened, and he said he was going to come get me and bring me to the police department to press charges. I showed up with a bleeding lip, and the cops brought me in for questioning. They asked me what had happened, why it happened. I told them everything. My brother didn’t know that she and I were dating until that day, or that I even liked girls. He was so supportive. The cop asked me if I wanted to file a restraining order against her. I could see in my friends’ faces that they wanted me to, and my brother kept telling me “do it, just sign it!” I didn’t. We went back to my brother’s apartment where I spent the night. I felt so lost and broken. She contacted me three days later, and asked me to meet up to talk. She apologized for everything, and said she was going to see a therapist and get help. She never did. She told me she would never hurt me again, she would never cheat on me again. She told me that I’m the only person she ever really cared for, and would ever care for. She lied.
Everything else becomes a blur. I could talk about the time she stole my wallet from me and verbally abused me. I could talk about the time we were hanging out with our friends and she got angry so she pushed me to the ground as they all watched, and chased after me as I tried to get away. I could talk about the time I caught her flirting with guys through text when she left her phone in my car on accident. I could talk about the time we had broken up in June of 2016 (for the longest we were ever apart) and she showed up at my friend’s house, chased after me, and jumped on my car so that I couldn’t leave…I got away. I could talk about the time she was visiting me in Vegas and got angry I was texting my best friend, so she took my phone from the car and got out of it while I was still driving. I could talk about the time that she hit me in the face in the apartment that we owned together, and how I didn’t tell a single person.
If you asked her, she would say that I was always the problem. She would say that she acted the way she did, because I had a tendency to leave and not talk through things. How do you talk through things when you know it’s going to lead to violence on their end? She’s right. I did leave. Time and time again, I left. And I always took her back. Always. I have a tendency to run away when I’m afraid of someone, who wouldn’t?
Sometimes, you’re so blinded by the love that you feel for another person, that you don’t realize that it isn’t genuinely reciprocated. I like to believe that she loved me, that it all was because of her inability to control her anger. I can keep telling myself that maybe it was my fault all along. But no, someone who loves you wouldn’t lay a hand on you. They wouldn’t cheat on you, they wouldn’t belittle you. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize, to finally break free forever. I really did love her, but it’s time that I focus on myself and grow from all of this. I can do better, and I will do better. I will love someone with the same intensity one day, and hopefully I will feel genuine love that I craved all along. Maybe. But the main thing is that I’m learning to love myself again. I know what I want. I know what I deserve.
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