extremely stupid D&D character idea I came up with at work today:
He's a human cleric who initially joined his monastery/clerical order because he's autistic and his special interest is a very specific theological/religious topic. So the idea of being left alone to study for hours sounded ideal. And since he's easily overstimulated living in a quiet, peaceful place like a monastery was also a plus. Not to mention the added bonus of everyone having a set schedule all of the time. It sounded heavenly (no pun intended).
But unfortunately, sometimes some of the nearby villages need a cleric to come and help them out with something. This cleric usually tries to avoid it, but sometimes all of the other clerics are busy or the head of the monastery says he needs more practice talking to people, so he has to go.
Continued under the cut. I'm sorry in advance.
The record-keeping for all of it is easy. He loves keeping records. It's the one thing the head archivist says he does a good job at, and he's really proud of it. Since the records are magically enchanted to be un-alterable, he knows it's really important to get all the details right.
He doesn't mind the blessings. He goes out, say a few pre-written words they’ve had memorized for years, and leave. That's fine. He has a good memory.
The healing calls are mostly okay, as long as no one dies. Cast a spell or two, dodge some hugs (ew) from the thankful friends and/or family, then head back to the monastery. (Deaths are worse, because people get really awkward and sad. Luckily they usually seem comforted by a few vague words about things being part of their deity’s plan and the wonderful afterlife that awaits the deceased.)
But the worst task is to officiate weddings. He's extremely aroace and doesn’t understand why anyone is interested in getting married. I mean, why would you ever want to kiss someone, let alone have sex? And all the legal stuff that comes with marriage? What a nightmare! Plus, half the time you end up miserable anyways.
So he tries his absolute hardest to avoid any kind of marriage related task. But there was one time that all of the other clerics were dealing with an outbreak of the plague, and he's a bit of a germaphobe, so the head of the monastery sent him to officiate the wedding instead.
He goes, comes back, it all seems mostly fine. That is, until the head of the monastery gets an entire sack of letters all complaining about the cleric's handling of the wedding.
They call the cleric into their office and ask him what happened to make all of these people so upset.
The cleric ramblingly begins to explain...
“Well, I was in the back hall rehearsing the speech. You know, I don’t have a whole lot of experience with weddings. I needed a refresher. Anyways, I’m sitting back there going over the script when suddenly I hear yelling, a door slams, and the bride goes running out of the back door. And I’m sitting there unsure of what to do. I mean, I had no idea if she was going to come back? Should I call off the wedding? If I do that do they still owe us for the ceremony? I've never had someone cancel a wedding before. I mean, who does that?
I wanted to ask someone what I should do, but everyone looked like they were in a terrible mood, and I wasn’t sure if it was any of my business. So I was just kind of pacing the back hallway, trying to remember if we had any procedures in the scriptures for runaway brides, when I heard people talking.
One of them was crying, and she was saying “It was going to be such a beautiful wedding!” and the other person seemed kind of angry and he said “It’s such a shame that Tim (he was the groom, you know) had to go and fall in love with a whore.”
And I was really confused because that seems really harsh, so I stuck my head in and said “What do you mean Tim fell in love with a whore?” And the woman – I think she was one of the bridesmaids – she yelled at me for eavesdropping. And I told her “If you didn’t want to be overhead, you should have closed the door.” She didn’t seem to like that and she stormed off.
Anyways, the other guy – the village baker, he had brought the cake – explained that the groom had just found out that his bride-to-be had been cheating on him with the miller. And I was like “Damn” – Sorry, Master, I mean “Darn, how did he find out?” and the baker said that the groom and his friends had been in the tavern for his bachelor party and one of them was heading out back to take a piss – his words, not mine – and as he was walking down the hall he saw his fiance and the miller making out in the storeroom.
And I was like “Does no one in this town know how to close a godsdamned door?” Sorry again, Master. I mean, It seems like a really really simple thing to do if you don't want to get seen.
Anyways, after that I figured I should probably go and say something to the poor groom. I mean, I’m not big on the whole romance thing, and I really don’t understand why anyone would get married in the first place, but I figured our job is to provide comfort to those who are struggling, so I’d give it a shot. You are always saying I need to practice connecting with people.
Anyways, I went and found him sitting in the pews with his head in his hands, crying. He seemed pretty bummed. So I tried to cheer him up, you know?"
[The head of the monastery has their head in their hands. "And what did you tell him?"]
"Well, I figured it’s always best to look on the bright side, so I told him that technically finding this out now had saved him a messy divorce a few years down the road. Isn’t that something to be happy about?
And he started crying harder, so I suggested that we break out the fine spirits that had been brought for after the wedding. You know, to toast to his good fortune.
That was when people got really mad and started yelling at me to leave. I tried to tell them I was just being rational, but then someone threw something at me, so I left. I mean, I could have tried Calm Emotions, but half of the village was at this wedding, and they all seemed pretty pissed–"
At this point the head of the monastery interrupts him and begs him to tell them they didn't write this absolute tragedy down in the church's records.
"Of course not, Master," he says. "We're not a theater. I wrote sins, not tragedies."
Anyways, his name is Brendon of Uriel, and I'm SO sorry to anyone who read the entirety of this post. This is truly the stupidest idea I've ever had in my life.
FOUR DAYS left!!!! Use our team cards to show off your characters & profile! You can advertise on social media or in the #target-hunting channel on our Discord server (you must make an intro in the #introductions channel first).
Every time I see this I lose my marbles I love it so much. "For some reason I yelled who is in here as I was falling" is the point where my soul leaves my body. God I love.
