The previous times I have gone through the stages of grief, I experienced a linear grieving process. I went through one stage and moved to the next, and then the next. There were stages I didn’t go through at all (depending on the person I had to say goodbye to).
With Sharon Raydor, I am finding myself going through a different process, which in a way reminds me a little of the process I went through when my cousin Sharon was dying of cancer (and later passed away).
My first stage was bargaining, which is often my first stage of grief. To think that there was something I or anyone else could do to change the outcome. Once I realized it was beyond my control I was able to move on to the next stage.
My second stage was anger. Or more accurately, rage. I was angry at Duff for writing this death, I was angry at myself for getting attached to this character, I was angry at Ron Moore for killing Laura Roslin and creating the idea Duff eventually copied.
I don’t know when exactly I moved on to the next level, but I found myself spending 2 days in complete and utter depression. I’m glad I didn’t spend too much time in that stage, because it really drained my energy. Granted, for me, Mary’s podcast made everything worse. I’m glad that she did it, but I was hoping to hear something different and she clearly feels differently about her now. And also she was not taking into account the fact that the fans were not involved in the creative process and therefore could not know what it felt like to be Sharon Raydor at the moment of her death. It felt like in a way, she was unable to understand our POV, which to me made it worse. There’s nothing worse than being upset and having someone you look up to not being very supportive of your feelings.
And after I took in what she said and did what she requested, which was to look at the plot with an open mind, I was able to move on, and I reached the stage of bargaining once again. My bargaining this time was different. I bargained with myself, mostly, about the possibility to let myself believe that the show ended at the wedding. I have never gone through the death of my favorite character with the rest of the fandom before. Some times I’ve even known a character was going to die when I started watching a show, so it was not as bad for me as it is this time. And for that reason I’ve never found myself in a situation where I felt the need to abandon canon and decide when the show is ending for me. This happened for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that as a fanfic writer, canon is very important to me. I relay on it to accurately represent the characters in my stories and to make them seem realistic. The other reason this decision was hard for me is that there were parts that I liked in the episode and didn’t want to let go of. Eventually, I resolved my problem by asking myself which point in the plot I am willing to accept as the last thing that happened. And I am still undecided on that but somehow I started moving to the next stage which is denial. I am avoiding everything that happened after Sharon hugged Rusty in her office. I can’t stand watching ahead of that part, and by refusing to watch that I am essentially choosing to believe it never happened.
Which brings me back to anger, because it seems to randomly flare up every time I read an angry post or tweet about it on social media.
Anger is a stage that seems to be waiting in the background while I go through the other stages and it lead me to wonder why. Why did Duff have to write what he wrote? I’ve looked for the rationale behind his choice because even if I didn’t understand it, I needed to open my mind up to the option of listening to it. And luckily last night Duff replied to a fan on his FB page and explained his choice. I don’t agree with his reasoning, and I certainly don’t agree that he chose to invalidate the fan’s interpretation, but for me the explanation was good enough to be able to let go of my anger , because what I really needed was a reason, doesn’t matter which one. I am sure the anger will return, and I hope that at some point I’m going to reach acceptance, but even if I don’t ever accept that Sharon Raydor was killed off and the way and timing that it was done, I accept that I am going through a grieving process I may not ever complete and that’s okay with me.
I don’t know if I’m just rambling or if this actually means anything to anyone, but I am posting this in hopes that my analysis of my experience will be helpful to someone in the fandom.
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