5 Reggae Party Rules (for ladies)
1. If he is talking to you & is over the age of 40, yall go together. At least till the end of the evening. It will be gunshots if you get the fraternizing. Keep it moving or choose wisely. Your name is now “Di Dautah”.
But be aware… sugar daddy…. and people factory… are NOT mutually exclusive. This 57yr old man will make his fingers like a gun and shoot your club right up. His nickname is the fertile crecent. You’ll be pregnant… and then a whole bunch of them old songs gonna start making sense.
You: Godfrey… I’m pregnant..
Yard Don: …hmmmm mmmmh…. mi seed strong…….
Then tell you how well all 23 of his pickney are doing in life like you need to be happy about it. The gods chose you.
BTW he’s rounding down at 23… sun don’t know the real number. And will call you and them kids 4 different names till he gets it right.
2. If he buys you a drink, and he is young… he’s got good manners. Now polygraph him for the secret family and/or domestic violence gene.. and you might have found you a husband in here.
If he bought you a drink and he is 50+… he is a drug dealer.
But.. he is a classy one. He drives an 89 BMW.
He is like the boxwine of drug dealers. You see that nugget watch… its bank… be impressed by it.
If he has the matching nugget ring and bracelet he been hustling since your dad was in High School and his gun got bodies on it. He still got a closet full of Dapper Dan suits that he’s looking for an excuse to wear. His beeper number is older than his last 2 girlfriends.
3. If you are even moderately attractive dudes are gonna just start dancing with you w/out asking.
Dancing is rubbing his dick on you. Know that this comes with your price of admission.
Note for you fellas… you are gonna want to maintain an appropriate level of trouser discipline here homey. Yes these rules are for ladies but some of yall jokers are wilding. Etiquette demands… quarter chub. Not more… not less. It cant be nothing… trust me… nothing is bad. Too much is worse. Do not bring your raging erection to a party such as this. An old lady is gonna hit you with a purse wild times as they chase you out for being a “dutty rapscallion” or some wild English shit like that. So quarter chub… is proper presentation levels. Enough to indicate interest, but not land yourself on a watchlist for being some sort of fuck goblin. Don’t be the guy known as “too horny” for a Trinidadian birthday… they national export is homewreckers. Word.
Anyway if you don’t want to have dick rubbed on your ass (or the middle of your back if you’re short) then stay home or sit down in the booth with Boxwine. He aint dancing less Police In Helicopter come on. That will mostly consist of mild hopping on one foot with a hand in the air. No… he doesn’t expect you to do it with him. It’s like the humpty… but for weed. But if he starts skanking… you can go get some shit from your car and come back…. thats like the old yardie man version of vouging on a runway. That shit is the ital cripwalk… legendary.
But every body ain’t taking stool softeners. Which brings me to the Jamaicans. Watch the fuck out for these young yardie yoot dem. This nigga don’t wanna dance… he wanna do WWF moves on you.
Yeah…. you see that… those are the arm gestures of a nigga that don’t care about your safety. He aint here for a good time.. he’s here for a fucking ladder match.
Yes…. thats right…. he jumped on her back for a horsey ride…. and that is how he starts. I love you… I care… so if he tries to dance with you and starts by telling everyone to back up. Run. He is gonna do the stone cold stunner on you and dutty whine over your concussed frame. While his friends cheer him on and don’t call you an ambulance. Talking bout “yuh nuh ready yet”.
Just dont.
Theres no solidarity here… bitches will step over you like “big ooman ting dis” and enter the octagon. This shit is a royal rumble.
4. Everyone makes their fingers like a gun.. it’s the guy that DOESN’T that has one.
Watch out for that guy.. he bought u a drink.
If this is a REAL party than there is a 70% chance it’s not in a “club” club. It could be in the basement.. or a house… or at a Knights Of Columbus or a VFW (which is just a house we don’t mind if you break). The lower the deposit the worse the security.
And security is someone’s uncle… and he ain’t dying for your safety. Mind your mannerisms. If it’s dark… and you see a crew of women got a bright camera light in they face… they talking shit to it in between slow whining on air… wearing bright pastels… yeah…. just dont…. they with the shits. Don’t even matter… whatever you with… they with it…colorful smoke. All of it.
Oh.. you thought she was “DONE” dancing with him… naah sis… she cyan dun…. and now you getting jumped by the trenchtown Powerpuff Girls and they washing you out to a cutty ranks song. No one will stop dancing… apparently you wanted to test they rocket launcher.
5. If you are not west indian… remember…. twerking shall never defeat whining. This is law.. The world has led you astray. All the Dominican surgical’s can’t help you here.. you built like a freshly pulled tooth 🦷 and can’t dance for shit. That skinny girl giving you all the work. She is rolling her eyes at YOU.. yeah… this is her kingdom girl… she can’t fill out windbreaker pants but will blow you off the dance floor. You are outside your jurisdiction ma.
Everybodys looking. We secretly look at you the way you look at white people dancing… with amused pity.
Yes… we know the words to all these songs. Yes.. the Dj asked you if your pussy is good. Yeah.. thats normal… its actually a compliment. Yeah he shouted it… he gonna shout over all this shit. Yes that old man IS checking you out. No.. you can’t go upstairs. Because the uncles that aren’t allowed down here for monstrous reasons are up there lurking… NO you DON’T want to meet them… some of them niggas ain’t allowed to babysit. Don’t eyeball those broads… they a different kind of ratchet. The backyard is for smokers and dudes trying to take you home TONIGHT…. list goes on.
This can seem a bit overwhelming to the uninitiated.
Just pick some 3rd tier country and claim it (parkway rules). If you are unclear with the tier system ask a Jamaican, Trini, or Guyanese. Those are your 1st tier west indians. Then you got your Bajans, Greens, and ill let Aruba and VI fight it out for “other places who can’t make patty for shit but you can still get shot.”
Bahamas, Bermuda, or Saint (Anything). Those places have low gun violence and inferior curry. Be them… we will expect less of you lol.
Ok… don’t do your face like that… if a Yankee called you a coconut I’m right there with you to help you stomp em out with unlaced timbs. We are family…. this is home talk… you KNOW yall niggas don’t count like that. You think St. Barts be ringing off like that? You don’t have a parade truck… your not a real country. The president of your country teaches scuba at the Hyatt. Your army wears cargo shorts and sandals. I don’t make the rules. Get your crime rate up or accept your place in the pecking order. Curacao is a shitty mixer.. not a place. Aint no nigga from Nassau gonna do shit besides braid your hair or overcharge you for a cruise activity.
Oh and honorary mentions to Haiti. They give it up…. but these rules don’t even work for yall. Picture an old Haitian man…. he aint buying that bitch a drink… it just ain’t happening b. He gonna look wild offended like you tried to put a finger in his butt… and tell you have some water.
These are the rules…. buss a whine in good health
Love’
Kane
