Do You Want To Know

Get to know me in my deepest human flaws.

[nenjars]

Check-in

Wow I haven’t written in a long while. Well new news. I’m pregnant and we’re getting married in 2 weeks. Oh lord.

[nenjars]

Check-in 2

Well everything was a false alarm. I am definitely not pregnant and relieved not to be. But it put alot of things into perspective. What I really want in the next year and the year after. What I want my life to look like in 5 years. I want to be able to enjoy married life with my Husband without kids. I want to enjoy the process of planning our wedding together. The next couple of months alot of things are already changing. Moving in together, getting married via civil service, i have to get a new car, im digging into my business getting pregnant rn just doesn't sit well with me and complicates things. I also want to focus on my physiclal health more this year. Tightening up my torso and toning my arms is a major goal. I'm by no means unhappy with my weight, I love my body. I just want to be comfortable and make it easier for myself during pregnancy down the road. Any way thats my little check-in.

[nenjars]

Check-in...

So there's been alot going on. And to be honest I'm scared. I haven't been the smartest while having sex and now I'm worried I might be pregnant. It could be nothing but it could be somthing. Its almost 5 am as I'm writing this and I'm praying that my period comes soon. Just going through all the reasons I SHOULD NOT be getting pregnant rn and the list keeps getting bigger. I want to cry. I also know that until i can confirm whether or not my period is late or just not coming I should not panic. I should count myself lucky though right? I have my own place, I'm engaged soon to be married in a few months (were doing a civil service due to covid), and he's so freaking supportive of whatever I choose and whatever happens. I just I can't sleep. There's too much uncertainty rn.... and our parents are supposed to meet today. FML of course I can't sleep.

[nenjars]

Life Advice

Fellas if you are reading this a few tips to remember when having sex/making love with someone you really care for for the first time:

1) You are going to make mistakes. Laugh about them and smile and move on. put some music on low not too loud. If your partner has to shout during sex don't let that be the reason.

2) Don't overthink about how they going to react to your "performance", that only serves to worsen your mood and take your focus off of your partner. DON'T SLEEP ON FOREPLAY!!!

3) COMMUNICATE. Speak up if you are uncomfortable with a position or you need to adjust. Talk about what you like and don't be afraid to help your partner out. No one knows your body better than you, it's your job to teach them.

4) Take breaks. Sex can be exhausting, take the time to get some water, rinse off or recoup.

5) After Care. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, clean up when you finish. You will both be tired and more than likely sensitive but trust that you will feel a whole lot better when you wake up clean.

6) Grooming. Make sure you are both clean down their. BO can be a real mood and confidence killer. AND. BRUSH. YOUR. TEETH.

I hope this helps someone.

[nenjars]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapters: 11/? Fandom: Teen Wolf (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski Characters: Derek Hale, Stiles Stilinski, Lydia Martin, Bohdana Stilinski, Vernon Boyd, Eli Serbousek, Sheriff Stilinski, Laura Hale Additional Tags: Ficlet, Grocery Shopping, normal - Freeform, Interest at first sight, Wolf Derek, Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Secrets, Young Lydia Martin, Alive Laura Hale, Minor Laura Hale, Stiles Stilinski Has a Sister, Claudia Stilinski Feels, Male-Female Friendship, Slight future angst, Single Parent Derek, derek is a dad Summary:

Derek is a celebrity father but he likes to do his own grocery shopping, and he really hopes no one will recognize him in his mediocre disguise. This is a tale of a single father working his way to finding love while balancing his career and a child.

[nenjars]

Story time

As I write this my boyfriend is in character recording a cute story for kids to get books read to them online. I wanted to share and reflect on the things that make me love him and why he is so endearing. His heart for reaching people in need is so big. When people hurt he hurts. He is so empathetic and compassionate. Sometimes I like to compare our personalities because I'm alot more reserved. I love experiencing the way he is. He is so expressive and vibrant compared to me. He is wild in his dreaming and I never want that to die.

As he is reading I'm imagining how he will read to our kids at bed time. My heart warms thinking about our future and the small things I look forward to.

This one is for you love.

[nenjars]

In This Moment

This is going to be part of my everyday drabbles. I felt like they needed a name.

In this moment I'm highly emotional. I never thought I'd be triggered for lack of a better term, by a word. But immediately my throat closed up and old emotions surfaced. My eyes became heated as tears welled and fell uncontrollably. My chest feels heavy and my pillow is soaked from the tears just pouring out of my eyes. I didn't know it still effected me, I feel like I'm going through ptsd.

IM GIVING THIS ASSHOLE POWER OVER ME HE DOESN'T DESERVE.

He's not part of my life anymore so why am I letting this effect me so much?

[nenjars]

Update

The past few months have been bumpy but I'm managing through all the trials. I am pushing forward through to pursue my goals.

My relationships are no longer strained, and I've gained alot of insight to those closest to me, it brings me joy. Thinking back on all the things now that have happened my life could be very different.

My father has opened up to me about alot of things and our entire dynamic has changed. The things I prayed years ago for have finally started happening and I am eternally grateful to have faith and a strong relationship with the god who created me. I am by no means a person who pushes my faith on others through my post, not at all but I am a person who knows to give credit to those whom it is due.

I see a plan unfolding and yes it scares me but only because they are new and I have yet to experience them. Today in church there was a verse that is actually stuck with me its 2 Timothy 1:7 For the Spirit of God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self discipline. God didn't make us so that our lives could be ruled by fear of the unknown or fear in general. We all have purpose in this life. I pray for each one of the people reading this should this ever reach anyone... You are loved and better things are to come. Pursue what is on your heart and ask for help along the way. We are not meant to go through life alone, we are stronger and better together as a community. So I encourage you find your community, the people who only wish to see you succeed.

[nenjars]

Unsure, Doubt

Things keep happening. Between the two of us I don't know what's going on. You are throwing me for a loop the things you say are inconsistent. Am I not being honest with you? How do I take what you say at face value when you keep contradicting yourself? One minute we are on the same page and the next you are hopping around. You aren't being consisten at all? What am I supposed to think? I've told you my mind multiple times. I don't understand what you want me to say. Our relationship is still new and I feel very much in love with you but at the same time I left walls up on purpose and I can see why now. This doubt that is building up came from you. Right now you are the only one that can save us.

You make me doubt our relationship because of your passion. This opportunity that we have is an opportunity for both of us. I will continue on without you and I will succeed, but will that be the same for our relationship because I don't see it working out in the long run if this is the way things are headed.

[nenjars]

Festival of Fools

God I feel like such an idiot.

I don't even know if this thing that we have is actually love. But the pain is real because it hurts. I don't want to dissillusion myself but what if. This could be so many things. Am I lying to myself? Or do I really love him. Could it be the idea of him? I don't know and I honeslty can't tell. Now I have all this doubt in my mind and I don't know what to do.

[nenjars]

In the Wrong

I'm currently just starting a lifetime life changer. Something that will probably take me about 10 years to take total effect. I'm okay with that. Ten years is going to pass whether I'm doing this or not so why not do something that could potentially be the greatest thing in my life? This life changer includes my now Boyfriend. He's done alot of talking and I'm really trying to do my best to be understanding maybe I'm heartless, maybe I'm cold, I don't want to think that those are possible but I don't feel like his words are matching his actions and it's not instilling alot of confidence for what I had currently pictured for my future.

I feel like we've been not fighting, but at odds with eachother over really important things. My heart is battling with my brain. I swear the second someone, anyone does something that makes me have to re-evaluate my relationship with them I'm usually right. I don't want to be right this time but I can already feel myself putting distance between us. And it's breaking my heart.

I know my value and I don't want to settle. I have already done alot regarding this life changing decision but I don't feel like he's willing. Tonight as we were in front of his house I finally said a little bit of what was on my mind. The decision and work I will be doing is leading me onto the road of complete and total financial freedom. (for reference) I told my boyfriend after hearing out all his doubts about it that this is something we need to do together. If he decided to quit while I continue on and within the next decade or two and we're married. I will suddenly have all this free time with which is supposed to be spent with a partner and building a strong marriage and not giving my time to make money. I asked him this,"If and when I become free and you decide to quit where does that leave me while you are still working?"

The answer is really quite simple. It leaves me angry and bitter and questioning why I am even with him. Because when he gets home from wherever the hell he's working I'm not getting the best of him. He'll be tired and bringing his work into our marriage. He won't be someone I know.

So yes my heart is breaking and this is my realization:

I lied. If he doesn't have the same level of commitment as me, the same ambition, we're just not going to make it.

[nenjars]

Moments

We've had so many moments. Laying in bed watching Netflix. I find myself taking a moment to just watch you. To see the way your eyes crinkle when you talk. How your lips quirk when you are stumped. The way your brows furrow when you think to hard. My favorite thing is when we are alone and you just sorta lean your head on my shoulder, and I massage your head its one of the best feelings of being so relaxed and at peace when I'm with you. You came crashing into my life with laughter and love and for me it's a no brainer to just sit back and enjoy the fact that yes you are the one I choose.

[nenjars]

The Journey

The past two months about once a week I have been meeting with some needless to say very abstract individuals. I'm going through a process that will eventually lead to something down the line and I'm challenging my self to reach for things I hadn't thought possible. I had settled for a life of mediocrity and now that just doesn't satisfy me. My future goals cannot be achieved the way I am now and it's time for me to evolve even more. I pray that I will have constant reminders to what is possible and that I will never lose sight of what it is I truly want for my future.

[nenjars]

Finding love

When we first met I didn't know who you were. You were strange and new, foolish and immature. I didn't know where the jokes ended and you began. When we first met I was taken back, decided to take a chance. I wanted to work on me and focus on my self. I wasn't even looking for you but there you were. Standing there cracking jokes to get my attention. Talking up a storm to impress me. I didn't know you then, but I wanted to try. I established boundaries and we talked everyday. We have grown in love with each other and with everyday it adds to an immesurable amount. You are goofy when you are nervous and deflect with humor. You have lied then confessed and grown more. I've seen you learn from your mistakes and begin to make the choices nessecary to provide for yourself. Our friendship grew just as much as we did. You are sensitive and cry uncontrollably. You find comfort in touch just as much as I do. You have become confident and bold. You are a protector to those you love and comforter to those that need you. You are loud and fun, You are simple and open. You remind me that its okay to say no. Our relationship now is a soft duvet warm and inviting. It is a hug that i never want to end. Now I know you.

Now that I've found you I never want this to end we've been with eachother for almost a year and friends longer still. I promise that with you I'll never stop working on us until its time.

[nenjars]

Future Thoughts

I like to type as I'm thinking to myself and right now I feel this pull on my heart. As i think about my future I know I want to have children. I have a literal yearning to one day just hold my baby to my chest and listen to their breathing as I rock them to sleep. Knowing that my arms will be hurting and sore but not willing to lay them down in favor of just being near. My heart yearns for this.

Oddly enough I want the pain that comes with it. I want it all. To experience the discomforts of motherhood, the pain and fear of childbirth, the recovery, the stolen moments between me and my baby, the first tears when I have to leave for the first time. I want all of it

[nenjars]

Lapse

Time seems to be moving so fast the older I get. Recently I was writing out a timeline of my life getting years down and seeing how old I was, what moves happened when, what schools I went to, and defining points in my life.

I'm realizing how alone I really was. Why I grew up so quickly and It's plain to see on the timeline. I never had the time to be a child. Too many things were over lapsing and sadly thats just how my life was. We are all dealt certain trials to endure that help build us up or knock us down, but that is the choice we have. To say this is all I can do and it's not good enough or... No this isn't going to stop me, I have goals that are my own and I will reach them and NO ONE is going to get in my way.

These are defining moments. Oddly enough they become our favorite memories for the only reason being is that subconsiously we know were actually really freaking poweful. These moments show our strength and character in the best most raw ways.

I guess what I would like to leave you with is this thought. That while time seems to continue on no matter what just know that you are strong and courageous and amazing. Choose your defining moments and make them bold not for anyone else but for you. No one else is going to live your life so you gotta do it.

[nenjars]

...To Talk

Today was not good.

It started bad and now I'm in bed. I think writing about today will help me at least a little process what happened. My day started of early but not how I wanted it to be my alarms went off but I didn't hear them. I did my usual routine and got to church and everything was fine I guess up until then I was downstairs working on a paper for work and already i was having vibes that i just didnt want to be there just at all. which makes me sad and is conflicting, But this is the mood i am in, well was in im home now...if you are reading this and are starting to notice all the grammatical mistakes just ignore them because i will. I dont feel well like i physically want to vomit. My emotions are very unstable. I feel over worked i feel over stretched and i hate saying this but i actually miss being by myself all the time. when it was just me and fifi and my room and my art. i was okay, i dont regret getting into a relationship or having friends or finding and saying yes to my current job. I love all of this. I just miss me.

Someone was complaining to me over something that is out of my control and ive heard the complaint before but i dont think people realize i am a volunteer i dont get paid for doing all the hard work i do. They dont realize the amount of hours i spend helping and volunteering my time or my investment in it like gas nope i dont get reimbursed my labor nah forget it. mind you i take joy in volunteering the way i do i just cant handle being alone anymore its alot. I don't want to be alone.

Anyway this person starts complaining at me and telling me something needs to be done and im starting to get mad and frustrated because like for one thats not my fault. People dont understand that when they think they are talking to sometimes they end up talking at. So back to it im doing work on my laptop and have my headphones on because im already feeling like i dont want to be here right? I notice this person is infront of me and they arent a stranger like i know this person, so i take my headphones off and pause my music. Its clear they have something to say so they start talking and then they start complaining and other people are noticing and im getting upset and i grab my headphones wanting to conversation to just be over. I'm mad at this point and i realize that i feel sick and want to cry and im supposed to be going to service in a while now i really dont want to go. I put away my stuff and leave it in a trusted area and head up stairs with my boyfriend and friend, at this point im super on edge and just barely holding it together. Friend and Bf are talking and bf asked me if i was okay. I told him honestly that i wasnt and that i was going to go. i felt bad and guilty but for myself i just.. if i would have stayed any longer i would have started hypervenilating right then. So I left went back downstairs but i couldnt shake the feeling and as soon as i sat down i just felt the tears ready to fall. It felt like everything was too much and there were too many people i just wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone.

I tried the bathroom but i didnt want to start a full on sob scene in a bathroom stall so left. Then i found the Mothers room and it was empty blessedly. so empty. I closed some of the blinds because it was too light, not dark enough. I think subconsiously i was trying to find my room. So i made a substitute. My room is naturally very dark the walls are dark and i have a small window with a hedge and tree blocking a fair amount of natural lighting from coming in but i prefer it.

When im upset i play rock music so i blasted that in my ears and made myself comfortable and just quietly cried.

I felt so broken. I felt alone. I was uncomfortable and stressed.

I tried to keep the anxiety or panic attack what ever it was at bay and i was doing really well just crying. Then a mom i knew came in. I ignored her. We both sat for a while and before she left she came over to me. Asking me if i was alright and i just broke.

She asked if she could pray over me and i said yes.

After she left i started hyperventilating. Tried to focus on keeping my breathing even and the music helped me catch my breath. I sobbed openly in the empty space of this now way to big room. I just closed my eyes and let it out. Im still currently letting "It" out.