Neon Sunset Tears

A blog about my bipolar, anxiety and other mental health stuff I'm 28, female, Kansas USA

[neonsunsettears]

mixed states

I'm between the holiday mania and the summer depression. feeling pretty up and down through out the day. I feel tired but also like there's no way i can sleep. I just want to stay up late. but i know i should be going to bed soon.

9/23/24 9:39pm

[neonsunsettears]

Lithium Decrease day 35

Well. I've been having lots of panic attacks. My pms has been worse, although that could be from the holiday stress. Everyone ik irl has been getting sick so that adds to it. But overall I'm doing ok. Probably decrease the med again in abt 2 weeks. I'll see the doctor next week n we will see what he suggests.

1-3-19

[neonsunsettears]

Lithium decrease: day 11

Im feeling pretty good. I can tell I'm a little bit rocky. But overall I still feel good on my slightly decreased dose. I'm not too surprised at this. It's the next two that scare me

12-12-18 1:00pm

[neonsunsettears]

Day 4. Lithium decrease update

So far today has gone well. My headache is mostly gone. And i feel a lot more stable. It was bad timing when i started the decrease. My worst woman issues happened on top of the worst of the withdrawal. Anyways. In about 5 weeks I'll go down again. Doctor wants me to go super slow. Probably a good thing.

12/5/18 1:10pm

[neonsunsettears]

Going down

Im starting to go off of Lithium. Its the only med that worked for my bipolar. I'll try and keep updated with my progress. So far I've been very clingy to my boyfriend. And i have been in littlespace. I just want to be in bed all day. I'm trying to keep my blood sugar up.

[neonsunsettears]

The highs

some people over the years have confused the highs of bipolar with being stable. There is a big difference. When you’re stable your in control. But those highs.... personally I have more control in the lows. The highs for me come out as either a hyper focus or an uncontrollable energy. The hyper focus is like I mentally can not stop doing an activity. My mind doesn’t care that its 4am and i have to be up by 7am. I have to keep working. Usually its some creative thing. I would call this mania. The overload of energy can feel good at first. But quickly I realize I have no control. my body seems to move on its own. Faster and faster.... like a kid with way too much sugar. I get silly. Hysterical. Uncontrollable laughter. I become scared, when no matter what I do I can’t stop. With either type of high when it lets go, its usually sudden. It feels like all this pressure has been released. As if someone was squeezing you and has finally let go. At least that’s my experience. Highs can be dangerous. Mostly accidental injury, because the person isn’t in control. It’s often scary for the person experiencing it for the same reason. Highs are no joke. And they defiantly aren’t stable. 

[neonsunsettears]

paranoia n racing thoughts

My thoughts randomly run wild. Panicking and getting more and more tangled. They get more and more loud and forceful. They quickly become illogical and irrational. They tell me lie after lie. I have to yell at myself, scream in my head. In order to have the slightest chance of making my thoughts stop. 

[neonsunsettears]

Trying to explain paranoia....

[neonsunsettears]

Friends n insecurity

I can meet people and make friends much more easily now… But i quickly fear abandonment… I still feel that I can like myself but not love myself… N I am especially not able to fully accsept myself for who i am… And thats something i need to work on….

[neonsunsettears]

Anxiety overload

I try n stay at the table but it gets to the point when i can't breathe. I just have to get away....

[neonsunsettears]

Breakfast anxiety

2-28-17 10:40am I was too anxious to eat breakfast... But what's new....

[neonsunsettears]

Good day but...

Feb 27, 2017 8:20pm I was a good day. I got a lot of crafts done. But now I've hit my limit... I know i should go eat but i just want to pull the covers over my head n hide from the world. Im so tired... And so anxious. I meet my new case manager tomorrow for our first actual session. Most of the day I could keep busy and not feel so anxious. But now i feel really alone and sad... I know what i need to do... I need to go eat dinner and then go to sleep. But knowing me neither of those are likely to happen....

[neonsunsettears]

Episodes n functional

Im going in and out of functional to really not functional.. It so rapid... One second im fine the next I'm making monkey noises n falling over.... N then im back again... In less then 30 seconds... Its so frustrating... Some of my symptoms: Regression Spacy Low processing Shaky Confusion Blured vision Anxiety Balence issues Speech difficulties

[neonsunsettears]

Emotional art i did today. Basically I've been feeling really vulnerable... N that makes me scared n defensive.. Dinner has been really stressful... Just having a table of 3... I get really dizzy n confused... My motor skills... Especially in my fingers n mouth drop in ability.... It is really scary for me. Lunch isn't a problem... N i think its because its not a group meal.... Group situations have very different expectations... The only thing i can think of is that its some kind of an anxiety reaction... I have discovered if i avoid situations like that its a big big help.... Like something as simple as eating later... Really works.... But i don't think its a long term solution..

[neonsunsettears]

bubbles inside

I can feel the anxiety bubbling like boiling water, burning me inside as it fights to take over. On the surface I’m calm. I seem peaceful and happy. But under this crystal surface its like oozing gasoline awaiting a spark. I try and protect it. And keep the sparks away. But its only a matter of time till one slips through while my back is turned....  

[neonsunsettears]

good and terrible

I have been having these episodes of panic and anxiety. They burn inside my core until they fill my whole body. I just have to get away from them. If I can’t they take over. Shaking and rocking as I gasp for air. trying to hang on to anything i can. 

There have also been episodes of urges. Urges to self harm. Urges to self harm to the point it kills me. These only last about 30 minutes. The thing is.... I have NEVER self harmed before... I have NEVER attempted suicide. I just don’t know what’s up with me. 

Even though I have these episodes most of the time I actually am more functional then before. It’s just I need to act fast when I start to have these episodes. 

[neonsunsettears]

Not so good

I'm really struggling. Its like I'm fighting for control of my brain. Its like i try n tell my body to do something but I'm not being listened to.. Some episodes there's several terrifying minutes where I'm not being heard at all.. Its so terrifying because I'm just helpless and at the mercy of whatever the mental illness wants.. Combine that with the urges to harm myself...and it becomes a dangerous situation...