The signs as lines in John Mulaney’s “horse in a hospital” monologue
Aries: if you even fucking look at the hospital I’m gonna stomp on you with my hooves. I dare you to do it, I want you to do it.
Taurus: you go to brunch with people and they’re like “there shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital!” And it’s like “we’re well past that!”
Gemini: and then for a second it seemed like we’d survive the horse, and then 5000 miles away, a hippo was like “I have a nuclear bomb!”
Cancer: I think eventually everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next! And neither do you, and neither do your parents!
Leo: I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and I’m gonna smash ‘em with my hooves, I got nice hooves and a long tail, I’m a horse!
Virgo: there are no experts! They try to find experts on the news; they’re like “we’re joined by a man who once saw a bird in the airport” and we’re like “get out of here with that shit!”
Libra: and we’re all just like “okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay” like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions.
Scorpio: I never really got into politics…..never talked about em much………….but then last November, the craziest thing happened!
Sagittarius: you think you’re fucking crazy? I’m a fucking hippopotamus! I live in a fucking lake of mud, I’m fucking crazy!
Capricorn: and we thought maybe for a second the horse-catcher would catch the horse, and then the horse was like “I have fired the horse-catcher.”
Aquarius: the updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. “The horse used the elevator?… I didn’t know he knew how to do that…”
Pisces: the creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all
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