You might have noticed, but I don't go on tumblr anymore.
It just fell out of habit, I guess. I don't know why I start one thing or why I end another, it sort of just happens and that's that. But this time I know why I started again. I'm back because I need to write and I don't know where else to turn.
I'm sick. That's nothing new. Depression is a chronic illness for me and probably will be for the rest of my life. I don't know a life without depression. What I mean is that I'm feeling the extent of my sickness again, how far and how wide it extends. How deep the well is, how empty and hollow. I forgot how dark and unforgiving the depressed mind can be, how cruel and relentless its voice.
I don't want to go back to therapy. I don't want to try more medication. Or get new medication. I'm tired of hearing that "it will get better" because I know it will get better. It always gets better. And then it gets worse. And the cycle goes on as on, but how many more times can I go through this? How many more wasted years of my life wishing I could die only to live and feel the pain again and again?
