I can't lose you (then don't) - Chap 2
Title: I can't lose you (then don't) - Chap 2
Fandom: 9-1-1
Chapter One: Here
Alson on: AO3
Chapter Summary:
He exhales loudly, of course, Buck told Hen. "Yes, well, Buck is not my kid." Athena sighs sadly. This is not the place to argue, but they're not making any advancement. They need to bring Bobby back to the kid. "Then why do you sound so sad saying that?" Hen asks.
Or, 3 women and 2 necessary conversations
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Athena silently and slowly closes the door to Buck's room. They take a few steps away from it before talking.
"Okay," Hen starts, and she braces herself, knowing what's coming. "What the hell was that, Athena?"
Athena sighs, her shoulders drop, and she shakes her head. She looks briefly in the room and crosses her arms. She knows Buck's not sleeping. She's a mother, and the young man had spent enough time at their house during their recovery for her to know when he's faking sleep. But she knows how to read him, and she knows how he reacts to pain and medication; she knows he's overwhelmed and needs time to gather his thoughts. That's why she agreed to let him alone, for now.
Because there's another thing, she saw that look in Buck's eyes, one that she hates seeing in people she loves, one she never thought she'd be seeing again in this kid. She saw it numerous times while trying to talk people down from bridges or roofs. She saw it in May's eyes, but also in Bobby's eyes a few times.
"During dinner," she finally answers, looking back at her best friend. "Bobby told Buck that it wasn't the brass holding him back, but him. Bobby told the brass Buck wasn't ready to come back."
"What?" Both women's heads turn at the sharp voice, Eddie Diaz's voice.
This time, Athena sighs internally. She really doesn't want to deal with an overprotective and angry Eddie Diaz. The fact that Eddie is accompanied by Maddie, Chimney, and his son doesn't make it easier.
"Eddie…" Hen tries raising a placating hand.
"No, Hen!" He snaps. His face is as hard as stone, and if Athena were anyone else, his stare would have scared her. Instead, she stands straighter and fixes him with her own stare.
"Why?" It's Chimney who asks the question she can see written on everyone's face.
"Why do you think?" She answers with her own question; they can guess by themselves, and she won't betray her husband, because he might see it like that.
Hen let's out a long, exhausted sigh. "He wanted to protect Buck."
A heavy silence follows her revelation. Chimney's eyes widen like he feels stupid for not understanding sooner. Hen looks resigned, but it's Maddie who surprises her. There's something sad as she looks past her, to her brother's room. She looks like she's far in some memory as she murmurs, "Oh, Ev."
She wants to ask what this is about, but is interrupted by Eddie's scoff. "Yeah," the firefighter says, voice dripping with venom. "Because it worked so well."
Maddie flinches at Eddie's tone, Hen and Chimney startle, but Athena bristles. She might not agree with Bobby's choice, but she won't let anyone criticize him.
"Diaz!" Her voice is cold, and Eddie stands straighter, but doesn't look away.
"Dad?" Christopher's voice breaks the rising tension between them. Eddie softens instantly, looking down at his son, and so does Athena. "Can we go see Buck? Please."
Athena's heart breaks a bit more at the boy's plea. She had seen Buck and Chris bound, which only deepened after the tsunami. No wonder Chris wanted to be by Buck's side when the man was hurt again. Eddie swallows hard and nods, not saying anything.
"Honey," It's Maddie who speaks when she sees that Eddie is still too deep in his head. She shows him the bag she's holding. "Do you want to help me with the plaids I brought?"
Chris smiles and nods, "Yes. Buck always gets cold in the hospital."
Athena's heart melts, and if Maddie's expression is saying something, hers too. There's something so sad in the fact that this child knows Buck enough to know he gets cold in hospitals. Maddie gives Chris a small smile.
"Lead the way then." She says, following the kid to Buck's door.
Athena brings her attention back to Eddie, "You should go with him, Eddie," she does her best to keep her voice gentle. "He's going to need you when he sees Buck like that."
Eddie's sharp eyes flick to her, his mouth is pinched in a thin line, but he ends up agreeing and follows his son and Maddie in the room. In the end, only she, Hen, and Chimney are still in the hallway.
Another heavy sigh, this time it's Chimney's. Athena can only agree with him.
"Wait," he holds a hand up. "During our last shift, Bobby told Hen and me that Buck was coming to spend the night at yours. And he never told us that it was him holding Buck back."
She notices the paramedic's insistence; how can she not? Bobby had wanted Buck to spend the night, yes, but things led to another.
"Buck ran away when Bobby told him the truth." She pinches the top of her nose, a headache suddenly appearing. "Not that he was the best at explaining himself either."
"The kid thinks Bobby hates him." Hen states, and it hurts because yes, he does, and he's close to giving up.
"What?" Chimney asks.
Athena tunes her best friend's explanations. Buck thinks Bobby hates him and is giving up. Never would she have thought she'd see the day of Buck giving up. Athena loves her husband, but she doesn't like his stubbornness in accepting his and Buck's relationship. Of course, she understands. How could she not? She understands his guilt and how he thinks he doesn't deserve it. But right now it's just hurting the two of them.
She also hates Buck's impulsiveness and inability to listen when he only listens to his emotions. After all, it's the reason that got him in trouble with her more than once.
"So what do we do?" Chimney asks, pulling her out of her train of thought.
Hen looks at her before looking back at her other best friend. "We make them talk." She turns to address her again. "Where's Bobby?"
Athena raises an eyebrow.
"The chapel." Hen nods. "You and I are going to get him. Chim-"
He cuts her with a resolute look on his face. "I'm staying with them." He says, nodding toward the room. "Call me if you need me to drag Cap there. Even if we have to drag him kicking and screaming."
Athena knows what the paramedic is doing, and it works. She snorts, and so does Hen. He claps them on the shoulder before entering the room. Hen looks back at her.
"Ready?"
Athena gestures to the hallway, "Lead the way."
Another thing she doesn't say, Bobby is sure Buck hates him now.
***
They find Bobby on one of the pews, sitting head low, rosary beads in hand, lips moving silently before making the sign of the cross. They sit on each side of the captain. Bobby doesn't acknowledge them right away. He stays quiet, head still down. They don't push; they can be patient. Finally, Bobby loves, his head rises, but his eyes are on the cross.
"He's going to be okay, Bobby," Hen says, breaking the silence.
They see when Bobby's shoulder tenses, and Bobby finally looks at Hen, who understands for the first time the weight of Bobby's guilt.
"Is he?" It's the only thing he can say, and his voice is raspy and tired. It's the first time he talks since the doctor told him everything is fine.
A hand on his arm, his wife's. His anchor, his lighthouse in the storm of his mind. The storm is full of grief and guilt. He looks at her, at her eyes. There, he finds understanding and confidence. But they also shine with sadness and some pleas that Bobby hates to see, because he's not sure he can answer them.
"He will," she states, leaving no room for argument. Still, Bobby can hear it, and he braces for what comes next. "But you have to talk to him, Bobby."
Athena's voice is gentle, yet he feels like he's been slapped. He flinches and looks back at the altar. Jesus is there judging him, but it's easier to be judged by Christ than by Athena and Hen. Jesus died for the sins of humankind, and Bobby is full of sins, mortal sins that killed his wife and kids. Sins that almost killed his other- no, he can't think like that. He doesn't deserve to. He only deserves Christ's judgment.
"No." His voice is sharper and louder than he intended, but he doesn't care. Because he can't face Buck right now, because Bobby Nash is a coward. A coward who put his the kid in the hospital and can't face the hatred he might see in the kid's eyes. A hatred well deserved since he almost killed him. Again.
He feels the look exchanged between Athena and Hen; he can almost hear their silent communication. Of course, Hen is there trying to help him. She doesn't know.
"Bobby." Athena sighs, and he turns to her.
"Athena." He stares at her; she has to understand, after all, she didn't agree with his decision. But she stared back at him, unflinching. A rock in the middle of his storm.
Athena sighs; it's one of the times she hates her husband for being so headstrong. She glances at Hen, who nods.
"You know," she starts slowly and quietly. "Sometimes I want to lock Denny inside my house just to protect him. But it wouldn't be for him, it would be for me."
Bobby's eyes go wide, and he briskly turns toward Hen. "What? How?"
He looks back at Athena, and she sees it, the betrayal in his eyes. "Don't look at me like that. I didn't tell them."
Bobby frowns because how could they know? Not that he doesn't trust Athena, but how?
"Buck told me," Hen says, there's no judgment in her voice. He's not sure he deserves her kindness.
He exhales loudly, of course, Buck told Hen. "Yes, well, Buck is not my kid."
Athena sighs sadly. This is not the place to argue, but they're not making any advancement. They need to bring Bobby back to the kid.
"Then why do you sound so sad saying that?" Hen asks.
It feels like he's been slapped. He has to look away. He would have preferred anyone else to talk to him than his wife and Hen, who can read him so easily. Those two women who are not afraid to tell him what they think. He doesn't answer, sets his jaw, and focuses back on the cross.
Athena has a silent discussion with her best friend. This is not working, and their next solution is not one she likes, but it's the last one, the one that might actually work. Hen raises her eyebrows, and Athena nods. She softens her features and voice in the hope of softening the blow.
"Buck thinks you hate him." She says in a whisper. Bobby flinches, and she hates herself for that, but he has to hear the truth, or they might actually lose the kid for good this time.
"I don't!" Bobby replies fiercely, and they can hear the love he has for the boy in his voice.
Someone clears their throat, and they look up to find the priest in front of them. "Excuse me, but you are disturbing people. I'll ask you to take your conversation outside, please." He says, his tone gentle but firm.
"I'm sorry, Father," Hen says, head low. "We'll leave now."
The priest nods and smiles before leaving. Hen gets up, so does Athena, but Bobby doesn't make a move. Athena nods toward the exit, and Hen leaves. She catches her husband's eye in a battle of wits. One, she knows she'll win. In the end, Bobby gets up and follows her.
They step further away from the chapel before Bobby breaks the silence. "I never hated Buck. I just want to…" his voice breaks at the end of his sentence because it's just too much.
Athena puts a hand on his arm, "I know that baby." She says gently. "But you have to talk to him."
A hand through his hair, he leans against the wall, the weight of everything on his shoulder. "Can I even do this?" 'Does he even want to see me?' His mind supplies for him.
"Bobby," Hen leans next to him. "I understand why you did what you did. It might not have been the best solution, but it's done. Now you have to face it before it's too late."
"Too late?" The doctors have said that he will be okay; it's just a step back. Another one, maybe the one too many.
Another silent communication between his wife and Hen, they're holding back from telling him something, and he hates it.
"What is it?" He asks, scared that he already knows the answer.
Athena looks at her husband, using her first-responder skills to judge if he can hear the truth. His eyes are pleading, and if she lies, she knows he'll know it. The truth, no matter how hard it is, is what he needs.
"He thinks you hate him, that you haven't come to see him because you were proven right, he's a liability." Bobby's eyes fill with tears, and she almost stops, but she needs her husband to hear what is truly happening so they can really talk. "You need to explain. You need to talk to him before he gives up. Before we lose him."
And it feels like the ground opens under his feet.
***
Bobby is in the too-silent room. He feels awful, and Buck looks too small and young in that hospital bed. He hates it. Across from him is sitting Maddie, who wanted to stay here while Athena went to grab some coffee. Hen had to go home to Denny, Chris, and Eddie left, not without Eddie staring hard at him, clearly not happy. Chimney went with Athena. He's not stupid; he knows Maddie wants to say something to him. Or else Athena wouldn't have left, nor would Chim.
"You know," Maddie starts. Her voice is gentle, her eyes filled with unshed tears. "When Buck told me about the Fire Marshall position, I was so happy. I knew it was selfish, but I wanted to keep my baby brother safe. After… after everything, all I needed was to know that he was out of harm's reach."
She starts to play with his hair, a sad smile on her lips. "Of course, I know my baby brother, I know that it wouldn't last. His love for this job, this family, is stronger than anything, even his own preservation."
Buck grunts and Maddie chuckles, not seeing Bobby tensing. She kisses his head, and Buck doesn't stir awake. Bobby watches as Maddie settles back in her chair. She looks up and meets his eyes, her smile not leaving, just a bit sad.
"What I mean," she adds. "Is, I understand, because I would have done the same. It's selfish, I know, but I'd do anything to protect my baby brother."
Bobby can't handle her kind look; he has to look away, his eyes settling on Buck's sleeping form.
"It's not the same," he says. His voice is weak, but something is reassuring knowing that Maddie, the one whom Buck loves the most, would have done the same. "I know you raised him, and you're his big sister."
That's what Buck told him. How much Maddie was there for him during their childhood, how she raised him, and he wanted to ask more about his childhood, but he eluded. Maddie offers another smile and shakes her head. She stays silent, looking at her brother, and Bobby studies her. She looks like it's a normal thing for her to be in the hospital. She knows Buck so well and can tell exactly how he feels. But he also sees her exhaustion. Still, she seems way better than when she came in after their call.
"Our parents," she pauses, her eyes still fixed on Buck. "You saw how they are. Well, more like you didn't."
She lets out a sad chuckle, and Bobby can only nod, watching her. She looks resolute, like she's not waiting for them anymore. But yes, Bobby saw their absence. He knows Buck called them when Maddie got captured by Doug, and they didn't show up. He knows Maddie called them after the truck and the embolism, and they didn't show up either. It has made Bobby's blood boil. He had been so angry for them, but the siblings had looked like they were expecting it.
"I did my best to raise him, but I was just a kid, not a parent." Maddie looks back at him, and there's so much sadness and grief in her eyes, and Bobby has to fight his instincts to hug her. "Our parents only paid attention when he got hurt, even if it never lasted."
At Maddie's revelation, Bobby feels his breath catch; he has to focus on it so he doesn't slip into a spiral. The thing is, that it sadly makes so much sense when he thinks of Buck's way of acting. He swallows back the bile in his throat.
"During his first Christmas here, he sent me a card and the way he talked about the 118, about you," Maddie gives him a true smile. "I knew he found his place, the family he'd been looking for since he was a child."
She stays quiet for a bit, a small but real smile on her face, and her eyes looking far away, like she's in her memories. Bobby let's her be.
"Then I came back. And the way he was talking about the team, you, I couldn't wait to meet all of you." Bobby understands the implications of Maddie's words and insistence. He's not sure he can take it. "And then I met you in person, and I saw how he talked to you. Looked at you and I understood."
Her eyes flicker between the two men before settling on him, and he feels scrutinized under her gaze, but not judged, and he's glad for that.
"And I saw how you looked at him, Bobby. I saw the way you reached out to him. You're the one who took him to most of his P.T, and don't tell me it's because you were feeling guilty about the truck. Would you have done it if it were anyone else?"
Bobby opens his mouth, of course, he felt guilty because the bomb had been for him, not anyone else. Yet, she's right, and he can't deny it. He would have been here, but not as much. Buck had spent a lot of time at his and Athena's house. Once or twice, he caught Harry and May talking about Buck to their friends, and telling them he's their big brother. It has made him feel warm and sick at the same time, feeling like he was overstepping. But then Buck had taken his first steps toward him, and Bobby had only felt pride.
"I can't." He whispers, but he doesn't know what he can't do: deny it or be what Buck needs. Maddie gives him another smile.
"I'm not asking you to sign adult adoption papers. Even if he would totally agree." She laughs, and Bobby can't stop the chuckle escaping him. "But please. There's only one thing that truly scares Buck, it's being left alone. It's finding a family, and them turning their back on him."
Her voice is shaking, and tears are falling down her cheeks. She sniffs. "I can't force you to do anything, but I'm just going to ask you one thing. Please, don't be like our dad. I know you're not, he wouldn't love you this much otherwise. But our parents kept things from him, kept him at arm's length. And there's a reason why he hates silence so much."
A sob escapes her, and Bobby has to blink away the tears that gather in her eyes.
"Mads?" Buck groans without opening his eyes.
Maddie sniffs and gets up, playing with her brother's hair. "It's okay, Ev. Go back to sleep, I'm okay."
Buck hums, and he's back into unconsciousness in the next second. Maddie kisses his forehead and sits back. She sniffs, blinks her tears away, wipes her face, and chuckles.
"I'm sorry. It might be too much."
Bobby chokes but shakes his head. "No," his voice is unsteady, and he has to clear his throat. "No. I'm sorry, Maddie, it might be for you. But I promise, I'll do my best."
Maddie smiles at him, and it's such a 'buck smile' that Bobby is taken aback. Right now, he doesn't see Maddie, the adult who survived her husband, but he sees her like he often sees Buck. He sees her as a kid, a kid who was too young to go through things she shouldn't have. He wants to hug her and tell her that things will be okay, but he doesn't have this relationship with her. He's not sure she'll accept. Well, if she's like Buck, and she is, she will. Still, he doesn't get up, and doesn't circle the bed to go to the other side and hug her. He just gives her his most reassuring smile.
"That's all I'm asking for. Thank you, Bobby." Her shoulders go down, and he sees the moment the weight of the last two days finally leaves her.
Just after that, the door opens and Athena and Chimney step in. Bobby suspects they were waiting for them to finish talking, and from Athena's satisfied smile, he knows he's right.
Maddie gets up and hugs Chimney before making her way toward Bobby. "I have to go, I have a shift, and Sue couldn't find a replacement. But I know he's in good hands."
Bobby gets up without thinking because he saw Buck acting like that, and Maddie looks just like him right now. It's kind of overwhelming. Maddie gives her a tight hug, and Bobby holds her back.
"Thank you for being here." She mumbles. "Don't worry, things will get better. I know my brother."
Bobby can only muster a weak "okay" before Maddie lets go and kisses her brother, who smiles in his sleep. She whispers something in his ear that Bobby doesn't try to understand. Buck doesn't wake up, of course, but relaxes even deeper in the bed. Athena gives Maddie a side hug.
"I'll keep you updated, Buckette."
Maddie laughs, and with Chimney holding her close, she leaves, not without one last glance at her baby brother.
Bobby sits back in the chair, and Athena gives him his coffee. She sits on the other side of the bed, right where Maddie was. She doesn't speak right away. Bobby knows she's letting him process everything. Bobby doesn't look at Buck or at his wife. He looks at his coffee. It takes a sip and is surprised to find it's not coffee, it's tea. The one he, May, and Buck drink when they feel stressed. May is the one who introduced it to them one day after a bad day during Buck's recovery. Since then, it's been their to-go drink when they don't feel okay.
"Thank you," he finally says, offering his best smile and trying to convey everything in those two words and in his eyes. His gratitude, his love, how lucky he knows he is to have her in his life. Everything.
Athena smiles, and Bobby knows she understands. "Of course, Baby." She grabs her bag that is on the floor. "Now, I found this in the shop and thought that our boy might like it."
She grabs a thick book, and Bobby laughs. He laughs at the book and at Athena, saying 'our boy', their unspoken bond finally out in the world. For the first time since that dinner, he feels like things might actually be okay. Athena opens the book and starts reading.
"In the myriadic year of our lord — the ten thousandth year of the King Undying, the kindly Prince of Death! — Gideon Nav packed her sword, her shoes and her dirty magazines, and she escaped from the House of the Ninth."
