luna

untitled and will remain as such. i'm autistic and pent up. gotta use the psychology degree somehow.

[neurodivergent-hellscape]

new topic introduced to me

Inferential Confusion (IC)

linking it back to all what i'm thinking about the whole. interpreting incongruent signals from my brain, body and soul, thing,

it feels like there's a train of thought (mind)

there's the misconstrued interpretation i have of signals coming from inferential confusion (body)

and there's my ability to reason with the IC. the resilient groundwork i have that is able to check myself, reality test, and consciously want to bring myself back & away from spiralling (soul).

externalising IC feels helpful. recognising it as a voice of unfounded beliefs. to be able to call it out for misunderstanding a situation and fucking me over. a story needs an antagonist, doesn't it.

I found it from this guy, Comedy Counseling, and I share his rage at the system that i've had to homebrew mental health support from first principles and metacognitive inference.

(ironic, if not self-evident of the issues i've had with, meta-cognitive-ing my inferences. the thinking machine is broke / passes through a Bad Layer.)

incredibly excited about his ARG side of things alongside the psychoeducation.

#KadelPesterFest

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if polyvagal theory disproven why vagus nerve stimulation & EMDR so good

and autonomic regulation

and fight-flight-freeze-fawn works so well against a ladder of arousal

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holy shit i just got an ADHD consultation email

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"I'm telling you how to find happiness while doing the dishes because you're going to have to do the dishes anyway, and YOU'RE SAYIN SOME JUVENILE SHIT LIKE,

'no I'll only be happy if I find a way to never have to do the dishes ever again, I'll actually structure my entire life so that I never have to do a chore, so I have a little bit more time to do FUCK ALL with; to watch your fucking stream with.'

THAT'S NAIVE BRO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT'S GONNA FUCKIN WORK.

The best thing you can do for your mental health is to lock in and be like 'I'm gonna make it as good as possible'. You will do the dishes and you will be happy."

[neurodivergent-hellscape]

was always, and am increasingly more, interested in the nervous system when i was in studying. in stress response. in the somatic experience and fluctuation of emotion.

autonomic nervous system = sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic (rest and digest).

nicotine, alcohol, opioids all work on it in different ways. i cannot speak on ADHD meds yet.

i am sure i am naïvely looking at one part as if it explains the whole.

but why is there something so constant happening in my fear & freeze response.

cptsd. fight, flight, fear, freeze, fawn.

polyvagal theory posits that autonomic regulation is the crux to perceived safety and stability. that i am perceiving too much of the opposite in a feedback loop. and there is a lot to look into there ig

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sometimes i say shit that attempts to bridge the gap between imagined / non-linguistic sensation and real experience and it gets lost in translation or breaks down under scrutiny.

like what the fuck do you mean that's "the most looking burger". i dunno man but it's definitely congruent with my internal image of that phrase.

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forgor you have to brush your teeth until i experienced the sensation of my teeth for the first time today

slash until it was able to be parsed into sensations and localised bodily areas and words and actions

[neurodivergent-hellscape]

autism spectrum disorder.

its ongoing reclassification into subtypes and overlaps with neurodivergence.

characteristic differences; divergence of processing.

neuronal connective differences present in neurodivergent folk.

the inverted, bottom-up over top-down processing evident in autistic folk.

being more aware of each stimulus across all sensory modalities than you can be aware of the overarching cognitive systems which are supposed to filter and explain to guide perception. a focus on over-perceiving the raw sensory data.

divergent thinking and thinking more on these individual factors than on the system at large. the Woods from the Trees.

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conceptualising whatever i refer to as myself as multiple things. not in the split personality way. maybe in a dissociative way. but in the way you name your limbs because they are distinct parts that move out of sync yet in tandem.

i am my brain which feeds me thoughts. sometimes intrusive and nothing that I consciously would have given me.

i am my body which experiences many things i can't quite explain or even.. use my brain to conceptualise? I receive sensory input but don't necessarily have to interpret it. or.. can't yet interpret? it is conscious effort. it feels severed or.. blobs of sensations with different qualities that i have a symbiotic relationship with.

and i am the thing that is filtering my train of thought, my bodily experience, and my intentions and desires and capacity at a given moment.

mind, body, and spirit. for simplicity's sake.

fuck you descartes.

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when someone starts talking and involving me in a conversation. spurioisly, out of the blue, i know them but i just happen to be nearby.

it's more like someone's talking At me. an invitation to a conversation i do not have to tender. i wasn't ready for verbalisation and in fact i'm going to make myself none the readier.

[neurodivergent-hellscape]

opening a blog with the intention to encapsule my frequent, daily musings on the lived autistic experience is seemingly counterintuitive to the lived autistic experience of having too many specific thoughts to encapsulate

thinking about how gestalt language processing works in that specific-to-general way. i don't think i, when i was a child, ever relied on "chunked" or hyperspecific, phrasal diction. not like the kids i've seen who do. but still my brain can attach to phrasal language like GLPers Because of how. succinct. those phrases are.

like using memes to convey what you mean. "guess we're doing (blank) now". or referencing media/tv dialogue as a form of conversation, connection.

i don't entirely process like a GLPer but if we both are autistic with autistic processing, then from where does their processing difference arise, and what can I even call my own process.

this has been tangential to my main point: with the intention of writing about, say, an argument i'm having with my body about Why it is experiencing something. or Where or What or What i can do about it. it can feel a lot less concrete. it does not exist in linguistic form that i can comprehend. but i understand it as a state i am in & can return to and the effect it has on my body. i can envision it and i can experience it somatically, the same way that CPTSD drags you back into the moment of a memory and hijacks your nervous system. right now whatever it is i call depression is sitting atop my own nervous system.

something something disability, language, can't always translate what i'm feeling even when i desperately want or try to.

[neurodivergent-hellscape]

hello world

sitting & shitting

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