and the reverse: people who ONLY "apologize" by putting themselves down are rarely genuinely apologizing, whether or not it's intentional lack of apology on their part. it's good to recognize this in yourself and work on changing, if you often try to apologize by putting yourself down, because what is actually happening is not an apology.
it's an attempt to get the other person to soothe or absolve your emotions by assuring you that you aren't a stupid idiot.
in some situations, this becomes the other person CONFIRMING you are a stupid idiot. this is a kind of toxicity or abuse.
in some situations, this becomes the other person ASSURING you repeatedly that you aren't a stupid idiot and it's okay, really it's okay! this is a kind of toxicity and has the potential to become abusive if it's a pattern, in which you are not actually apologizing and instead outsourcing your emotional management to the person who deserved an apology.
in some situations, this becomes the end of a relationship. people who realize they aren't getting real apologies might set boundaries or withdraw or cut ties.
bc tumblr is tumblr, i'd like to remind you that relationship dynamics aren't black and white. if you realize you-- for whatever reason-- are veering into harmful patterns, it doesn't make you a stupid idiot abuser who must self-punish or seek absolution from another person. "abuser" or "abusive" are not permanent labels on a human. it means you now have a responsibility to work on changing the pattern to improve as a person.
if you have never been taught, here is how you apologize:
"i'm sorry for [doing/saying x]. that was wrong."
many people, especially neurodivergent people or trauma survivors i think, have an impulse to reverse engineer their own behavior and explain in an attempt to prove that they weren't acting maliciously.
but "i'm sorry, i was trying to [x]" or "im sorry, but you did [y] and it upset me" are not apologies. they're defenses.
an apology should not be defensive.
you might need to unpack your own behavior. you might need to work though the thing you identified as a trigger. you might need to analyze a misunderstanding.
that's for after, and sometimes it's with someone else entirely.
izzy806
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
snowghoul
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
kaledo-art
