News of the Day of the day

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[newsofthedayoftheday]

how is my future

Well, I'm not psychic, but it seems like it could be rad. Future's are awesome - you never know what you're gonna get.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

A soldier really, really, really didn't know she was pregnant.

I, like any red-blooded American worth their salt, am fascinated with the shockingly no-award winning program "I didn't know I was pregnant." BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW YOU'RE PREGNANT?

I mean, sure, there are weirdo exceptions all the time. But I'm still pretty sure at one point or another you MUST be all, "either the burrito I just ate is literally combating my stomach, or I just got kicked by a baby. From inside the house the womb."

And before the 7 of you reading this freak out and get all, "You don't KNOOOOOOW me," on me, I'm a girl so feel very comfortable making girl generalizations. PLUS, I've been on WebMD, the top diagnosis for literally everything is "Oops/Congratulations! You're pregnant." So, when you WebMD'd your symptoms, it probably should have jogged some recollection of unprotected sex.

But, that's not news. It's a rant BASED on what is today's news of the day.

A British soldier gave birth while serving in Afghanistan at Camp Bastian. 

"What the heeeelllll?" - Everyone there.

She reportedly went to the medics complaining of stomach pains. They were probably all, "yeah, but that' not gonna get you out of PE." But, because it's their job and she looked pretty legitly like she was uncomfortable (every 5 minutes or so, at least) they were like, "OK, I guess we'll ignore this bloke with a gunshot wound and we'll check you out."

The details get a little hazy at this point, and I'm not sure at what point the docs were like, "listen, it doesn't appear that you have gas or an appendicitis, so we're just gonna check your hoo-ha area and see if you're dilated. Just for funsies. I mean - to rule it out."

Boy were THEY surprised when they were RIGHT.

But, to be fair, probably not as surprised as the soldier.

So now the British Ministry of Defense is all, "we had NO idea, we SWEAR." Even going as far as saying that she ran eight miles while carrying a 25-pound pack before she was deployed, so there.

You know, in so many words.

But, I mean, Jessica Simpson carried, like, a bajillion pound baby for three years, all while wearing high heels. So, that doesn't really prove anything, now does it, Ministry of Defense?

So now the army is like, "GREAT. What are we supposed to do with a BABY on base?" They've reportedly put up "Baby on Board" signs all around the base to discourage more Taliban attacks.

But then again, Prince Harry is ALSO on base, so they just might think it's for him.

The Ministry was also very adamant that she for sure conceived before she was deployed in March.

Because if they didn't say that, boy would they have been neglectful.

Since there aren't too many pediatric specialists on military bases (like, roughly zero), they are flying out a special pediatric team to bring the soldier and her baby home.

But rest assured, people in Britain. The British military absolutely, 100 percently, does NOT allow pregnant women to deploy.

Usually.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Thank goodness Florida is guarded by Super Heroes

I was recently (so, like 6 minutes ago) trying to come up with a pro/con list for Florida. Here's what I came up with:

PRO:

Disneyworld

CON:

Hurricanes

Drug Smuggling/Violence

Crazy-ass snakes

Bath Salts

Face Eaters (see: Bath Salts)

Humidity

Sharks

Voting Drama

Alligators

That's all I've got for right now, but again, I spent a VERY short amount of time on this list. But, the last bullet point brings me to our News of the Day, so let's just take this list as it is.

(Which is, naturally, a completely accurate and unbiased segue.)

So, here we go: NEWS.

Steve Gustafson was minding his own business in his retirement community (in Florida, for those of you not keeping up), when he heard a "blood curdling yelp".

Let me pause right there and tell you - I knew INSTANTLY that he was talking about a dog at this point. I'm THAT good at deducing news stories.

But, I digress. Back to it.

So, Steve heard that yelp, and turned to see his pet terrior being snatched from the shore of a nearby pond by a pond monsteralligator

Ok, let me pause again, here. So, clearly, Steve isn't your typical retiree and is OBVIOUSLY a super hero because WHO HAS A REACTION TIME TO SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT? Plus, don't most old(er) people have horrible vision?

So, we're clear - Steve is Superman. Or Superman's father. Either way. Magic powers.

Again, back to it: Steve was minding his own business, heard a noise, magic powers, saw his dog being dog-napped by a jerk of an alligator...

So then Steve was all "Not on my watch, Bitch!" and took off his clothes to reveal a super hero outfit hidden beneath and ran toward the pond. When he got to the pond, he did what any normal human being that also happens to be a super hero retiree would do - he belly flopped on top of the gator.

Pausing again...pretty sure that means he was literally FLYING, but to explain his arms-sprawled-in-front-of-him horizontal position, he defaulted to the old "I was just doing a belly flop" excuse.

So typical.

Then, because he was already there and now other retirees were all, "There appears to be a commotion out in the pond. Must be some teenage hooligans. Let's go check it out," Steve did what any super hero would do: he wrestled the gator. 

Because of course.

Steve and the gator went mano-a-gatoro for a few minutes and Steve, for good measure, "he tossed the gator deeper into the pond," so he and his pup could escape.

Clearly for show at this point. Since people were watching, he OBVIOUSLY had to feign a struggle. But, throwing the gator deeper in the pond? You're like 72, Steve. Try to keep the super hero antics at par with the age you're pretending to be.

Luckily, the dog, Bounce, and "Steve" (not sure what his super hero name is) both emerged with just a few cuts and bruises.

Well, Bounce did at least. Steve was probably just faking a limp.

And, lucky for Steve(!), a trapper caught the gator (because Steve was able to give an accurate police artist sketch of the gator, obvs) and Steve is now having it stuffed at a taxidermist to keep on his porch.

I mean, since he saved his dog from the clutches of the beast, why not give it a heart attack in a few weeks instead, amirite?

I just hope he doesn't take it to one of these taxidermists.

In the meantime, I kinda think Bugs Bunny had it right.

But then again, there are Super heroes like Steve protecting it, so it can stay.

For now.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Uh-oh spaghetti squash-io!!

For years, people have been passive aggressively trying to out-healthy each other. (For those keeping up, I believe the big thing right now is kale dust. Enjoy.)

Based on the prevailing holier-than-thou stares received in the organic section of the grocery store, it's been the general consensus of the public that organic foods are far superior to just plain ol' regular foods.

HOWEVER, it turns out that those of us who have been cheap, lazy with our produce purchases are the ones who can give out the the superior looks.

Smarty scientists at Stanford University were bored - mostly because being smart does thtat too you sometimes. And apparently, the cure for the common bored scientist is extensively analyzing over four decades worth of research studies comparing organic and non-organic foods!

...Or something.

After they concluded the - let's face it - PARTY that was the analysis of all this data, these Smarty McSmartpants came to the conclusion that the nutritional content of organic foods is not as exceedingly superior as Whole Foods suppliers would have us believe.

In fact, they're pretty much - nutritionally speaking - at par with one another.

A person reading this while eating overly priced organic corn puffs covered in organic 2% milk and drinking organic fresh-squeezed orange juice has been quoted as saying :

"Say what, now?"

Yep. You read that right, you one person you. Organic food has no superior nutritional value. In fact, Organic foods can still only claim two things that conventional foods.

Organic foods have lower instance of pesticides.

They're more expensive.

It's only fair to offer non-organic foods a rebuttal. Here's what they (probably) have to say.

Our instance of pesticides are still within - and usually well-below the FDA's mandated standards of what is acceptable to consumption. And, PEOPLE - the FDA won't even allow you all to have ketchup chips because of the red dye used to make them look like they are flavored with ketchup. You're fine.

We're cheaper. Boom.

Rumor has it that an emergency super-committee meeting at Whole Foods headquarters being called into emergency action right now. They won't stop binge drinking shots of wheat grass until this fiasco is over.

Probably.

Until then, we can all stay healthy and keep our wallets healthy, too. Turns out, pesticide has a sweet side to it, doesn't it?

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Major in business, Minor in beer pong

It's that time of year when the Princeton Review releases their list of college rankings. Today they're releasing "The best 377 colleges."

Which is kind of a weird number. Couldn't they have done the top 300? Or even 350? I bet in a meeting someone was like, "You guys, there are over 5000 colleges and universities in the U.S. We need to narrow that list down."

Someone else was like, "So, um, to about, what? 732?

"No, too high. 112?"

"Too low. 377?"

"That number sounds perfect! Whole numbers are the worst."

Probably.

Of course parents and studious students everywhere flock to the "Top colleges and Universities" list because of their desire for better education, brighter future, and a good college for their resume. Good for them! I hope they're my doctors and lawyers and accountants one day.

But the rest of high school seniors are bee-lining right for what they really want to know: The Top Party Schools in America.

Well, let me save you some time my liver-killing friends. That distinct honor goes to West Virginia University! Congrats, Mountaineers!

So, how did they earn the coveted-by-students-dreaded-by-administrators top spot? Each year, the Princeton Review issues an 80-question survey to literally hundreds of thousands of students all over the country. Using that data - plus info of public record, like number of MIP's and DUI's issued - they were able to compile it into a computer, hit the "Do your magic!" button (also known as "enter") and bada-bing, bada-boom! The list practically makes itself.

Although, while the survey and use of public record seems like a legit way to gather data, doesn't this seem to be more of a list of "top schools who practiced drinking irresponsibly"? Maybe other schools are better at holding their liquor. And are on a need-to-know basis with their drinking habits. And got cabs because don't drink and drive.

Jeeze, WVU - do you guys text and drive, too? You shouldn't do that.

But if your alma mater (or prospective alma mater) isn't WVU, fret not, for there are other social-life crowns to be had. Here's a sampling of some categories and their top recipients:

"Stone cold sober" & "Scotch and soda, hold the scotch" - BYU

"Reefer Madness" - University of Colorado-Boulder

"Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians” - Reed College

“Least Beautiful Campus" - Case Western Reserve University

So, party on! Or not. Study or don't. It's your college experience, so do with it as you will. And one last final pro tip? if you're the former, don't forget to go to class once in a while. If you're the latter, drop the books and go to a party. But like a real party.

Go [insert the mascot of your school here]!!!!

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Every straight man’s new mecca

In what should come as a news flash to no one ever, Middle Eastern countries aren’t exactly known for gender equality.

Mostly because they’re more about segregation and gender inequality.

But Saudi Arabia has decided to change that, sort of. I mean, not really. But kind of in their own way? Let me explain.

Currently, women make up merely 15% of the Saudi Arabian workforce. In an effort to provide more job opportunities to women (hurray!) Saudi Arabia is planning to build a women only industrial city. (hurra…wait, huh?)

You see, Saudi Arabia wants to provide women with the opportunity for more financial independence, but not to the detriment of their rules about gender segregation. So, in what is CLEARLY the only option, the government is building the first-ever women’s only area in the Eastern Province city of Hofuf. In this city, the businesses will be for female entrepreneurs and employees. 

To recap, women can absolutely work. But only if they don’t work with, for or around other men.

So basically, the government was sitting around one day and one of them was like,

“Ugh, all these women just sit around all day.”

“Yes, I know, but what are they going to do, work?!?!?”

Then, after they all shared a good laugh, one of them was like,

“No, no…really…what if we got them to work? Surely there must be SOMETHING they can do?”

Then they sat around wracking their brains. A couple times they suggested that women carry babies better than men, but then one of them pointed out that that was MERELY because men don’t have wombs.

Finally, one of them was like,

“why don’t we just ship them off to another city and be DONE with it.”

After a minute of trying to figure out the negatives to this, they were like,

“Excellent! Let’s go bathe in oil!”

But, The Saudi Industrial Property Authority (Modon)’s deputy director general, Saleh al-Rasheed is outwardly supportive and gave a completely backhanded and half-hearted statement begrudgingly supporting the new city.

"I'm sure that women can demonstrate their efficiency in many aspects and clarify the industries that best suit their interests, nature, and ability."

I think something got lost in translation, because I definitely detect a hint of, “Pshhh. Women can’t make anything worthwhile, they’re WOMEN!” in there.

But my translation-of-a-translation judgmentability is a little rusty. So what do I know?

What I DO know is that as a Western woman, I can’t imagine not having the opportunity to work at ALL. So this step – while bizarre and backwards to me, is still (hopefully, in their eyes) a step forward for them. I can only hope there are more steps forward in the future.

In the mean time, a women’s only business has already put in a work order for this sign.

Probably.

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Who has two thumbs that are the fastest in the world?

You don't have to be in the Olympics to prove you are the fastest at something.

Just look at this guy, or this guy.

Or the guy who is the subject of today's news of the day, Austin Wierschke.

"Uh, ah-who now?" you might ask. And that is an excellent question. Austin has just been declared the fastest texter in the US.

Because that's a thing.

Apparently, in the most hotly contested teenage battle since the Spelling Bee, LG has held a speed-texting competition for the past 6 years.  

After 8 grueling (I mean, I'm obviously) rounds, Austin managed to beat out the ten other contestants to be declared the winner for the second straight year in a row to win, wait for it, $50,000.

Well, I think this news raises more burning questions than it answers. Like:

$50,000?!?!?What's a girl gotta do to get in on this thing?

How come there are only ten other contestants? Even the spelling bee pits dozens(ish) kids against each other. (I mean, right?)

How is this a THING?

How do you explain to your parents why you're sending 500 texts a day?

"Oh, hey mom."

"AUSTIN CORNELIOUS (<--most likely) WIERSCHKE! HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR PHONE BILL???" "Um, nope. No I havenot."

"FIVE HUNDRED TEXTS ADAY???"

"Is it reallythathigh mom?"

"YES."

"Wow. New record! Up top." (dangling high-five)

"DO YOU THINK MONEY GROWS ON TREES? WE CAN'T AFFORD THIS!"

"Um, geeze,mom. Why you gotta ruin my flow? I was totally practicing for the speed-texting competition. First prize is like, $50 grand."

".....??????"

"For college, mom. I was doing it for college. And by that I mean.....foryou."

"Oh,honey..."(hug) "If you don't win this competition, so help me, we are cutting you out of our will. Now...go text something."

"OK. Mom. And, mom?"

"yes honey?"

"LUV U. HAK."

Like that. Probably.

LG said they started the competition to bring about the positive side of texting. Just ask 2010 champ Briana Hendrickson who had to retire because of sore thumbs.

Tsk. At such a young age, too.

But, like any youngin' thrust into a talent pool at an early age, Brianna has matured wise-beyond-her-years and, while Austin was speed-texting to victory, offered rules that every texter should follow.

Don't break up via text. This is important. Probably because it's hard to accept it's a real break up when someone follows it with LOL JK FRT. Also, you'll never be better than/worse than the post-it break-up.

Next rule, get out of people's way if you can't walk and text at the same time. Which, no offense young Brianna, I will amend to DON'T WALK AND TEXT AT THE SAME TIME. Lest we forget the lesson put forth from this poor soul. Anyone who says they're a good texter and walker are either liars or are so busy texting and walking that they don't notice the burning glares of death from the people who had to get out of their way.

Third rule: never text and drive.

Can't say one negative thing about that one. Gonna leave it as is where it is.

And finally, the last rule - it's really more of a pro-tip - the secret to quick texting is using a QWERTY keyboard and using a rolling motion instead of lifting up your thumb after each letter. Because, it's pesky when you do that.

So, stretch your thumbs and annoy all your friends with too many texts (or do what one of the runners up did and send text of receipts...because THAT wouldn't be confusing to receive) because there might be $50,000 in it for you next year.

Which you'll probably have to use to buy more friends.

JK, Austin! WTG! XOXO!

[newsofthedayoftheday]

The Feline of the species is more deadlier than EVERYONE

Cats are proving to us more than ever that they just don't give a f*ck.

I suppose I could leave it at that, but there's actually been a scientific study to back-up that statement, so as long as we're here, we may as well talk about it.

In, "Huh, I never really thought about that once - how did you get approval to do this research again?" news, the University of Georgia delved into a study of the secret lives of cats. If they asked me, I probably could have saved them a lot of money. Because EVERYONE knows that cats typically stick to three centuries old, feline-approved activities.

Sleeping

Eating

Pooping

But APPARENTLY the University of Georgia didn't want my free knowledge. Instead, they put itty-bitty cat sized cameras on cats' collars, sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the show.

I just hope the show they were expecting was a horror movie because apparently cats are terrifying. I mean, justlook at them.

Horrifying.

When the researchers managed to herd the cats to get their cameras back, they studied the video feeds. They waded through hours of nothingness but then miraculously managed to find out that 30% of outdoor cats kill prey...

Which, now hold the phone here researchers....cats have a predatory instinct?!!??

(....No, really, do they? My cats definitely just sit around all day working out ways to break cat obesity records.

Haha, PETA, not really.

(No, really.))

ANYWAY, I digress...

The researchers weren't happy just knowing that one statistic. So they broke down what they did with their prey after they did their whole killing thing.

Roughly 25% of them brought them back to their owners WHICH WAS PROBABLY JUST THEM BEING NICE. I mean, cats can't exactly shop online, now can they?

30% of them ate it because EW, and waste not, want not. Very conservative of them.

49% left it to (and I quote) "rot where it died."

So, that last one is a little unnecessarily disgusting and perhaps a bit wasteful of our feline friends. But, maybe they were saving the prey for later? Cats don't have thumbs...it makes opening tupperware a challenge.

It's a pretty big problem in the feline world.

Apparently, there are repercussions, though. As it turns out, the creators of Sylvester and Tweety knew what they were talking about: cats really do hate birds.

But UNLIKE Tweety, birds in real life apparently suck at evading cat capture. Bird watchers everywhere are pointing fingers at cats and blaming them for one in every three American bird species being in decline.

And the cats just flip over, clean their bums and are like, "who? Meeeeeee?" But bird watchers KNOW. The feathers in the cats' mouths are a dead (literally) giveaway.

But isn't that "survival of the fittest" and nature just doing its thing? I'm pretty sure that when we're watching Animal Planet and are watching hyena take out gazelles - no one's getting upset with them for being jerks.

Maybe the birds should learn to fly a little better. Perhaps if they worked on their reflexes, they wouldn't get caught. Just saying.

Researchers also figured out that cats engage in other risky behaviors besides murderbeing cats. And I'm not just talking about un-spayed sex. They also - brace yourselves - cross roads, eat things, and explore things.

These cats are HOOLIGANS! The next thing you know they are going to scratch things or sleep in weird places.

But now, thanks to the researchers in Georgia, we know what type of beast we're up against and we can prepare ourselves....with laser pens and cat nip toys.

Yep. That oughta do it.

I can't be positive, but I'm pretty sure that this study was funded by dogs.

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Red (planet) Rover, send Mars intel right over

If the Olympics have left you feeling physically inferior, then allow me to help you achieve the inferiority trifecta and help you get there intellectually and professionally as well.

(Don't say I never do anything for you.)

NASA has successfully landed a rover onto Mars.

If that has failed to impress you...well, ok. It does seem kinda normal-ish sounding when phrased so plainly, so to make sure we achieve max inferiority (and amazement) allow me to go into some more detail.

First of all, this is only the second time that we Earth folk have successfully landed anything on Mars. And the first time only sort of counts because the spacecraft that the Soviet Union landed their in 1971 "fell silent" (so, probably mistaken for a printer and clubbed by martians) shortly after. That was such a crushing blow for scientists everywhere, they held a moment 40 years of not-landing-on-mars silence out of respect for the fallen space craft.

The second "you guys, this is a big deal and we should all be impressed," reason is that the aptly named Curiosity rover that landed on the planet was done by lowering it from 25-foot-long cables at the end of a hovering rocket stage.

A Hovering. Rocket. Stage. I'm not entirely sure what that is, but it sounds super expensive and impressive. Even the scientists who thought it up were kind of spit balling when the suggestion tumbled from their mouth. Their leader was like, "OK guys, the mars spacecraft moratorium is up. And we have this "rover." Now, how do we land it on Mars?"

Then the scientists were like, "give it a GPS system." But someone quickly reminded them that Google Maps hasn't updated their maps, so it would take the Rover the long way (past Jupiter) and it would take too long to get there.

So then there were a few brainstorming sessions where they suggested - and shot down - a lot of ideas.

"What about a space parachute?"

"Nah. Unpredictable."

"Make a monkey land it?"

"PETA would be pissed."

"Let's land it by joystick from mission control."

"Nelson, please. What was the last game you played that used a joystick?"

"Wii-mote?"

"Signal doesn't travel far enough."

"Maybe lower it from cables at the end of a hovering rocket stage?"

"By George, George - that sounds Star Trekky enough that it just might work!"

So that's what they did. And before you get all unimpressed on me, this isn't like a remote control-car-sized rover. This is an ACTUAL car-sized rover. An actual car. Most of us can't even navigate cars that well when we have the advantage of gravity, roads and clearly visible "drive-here" guidelines.

And they landed it. ON MARS.

You're probably adequately impressed now, but let me give you one more reason for you to question your daily activities, just in case. This $2.5 billion dollar car (Oh, did I forget to mention that? Yeah...this thing cost a hefty chunk of change) is powered by the heat of a chunk of plutonium. Which means on top of being cooler than any of us, it is it's own electricity generating scientific lab.

When it landed, scientist everywhere were crazy happy. I mean, you would have thought that this was literally Armageddon and Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck actually saved us from meteors. I mean, look at these guys:

But in a world where not failing is succeeding, succeeding is kinda like winning the lottery.

Or saving the world....so maybe it IS like Armageddon...

So, carry on doing what you're doing. But stay humble because, well, it's hard to do anything cooler than conquering SPACE.

(Although - and not to brag - but I managed to make coffee that didn't taste like dirt this morning, thank you very much. So - yeah. Almost exactly the same thing, I think.)

[newsofthedayoftheday]

The Government's gone all Scrooge McDuck

Ever wake up in the morning and think, "Gosh...it's been a long time since I've counted my gold"?

Unless you're Scrooge McDuck, OF COURSE NOT. I mean, besides this guy, who has that kind of gold, anyway?

No one.

That is, unless you count The U.S. government.

And as it turns out, recently they woke up and were like, "Gosh...it's been a long time since we've counted our gold."

For those of you who don't know (read: have never seen Die Hard: with a Vengeance), The U.S. government keeps gold bars stashed five stories beneath Manhattan in a vault under the Federal Reserve's fortress near Wall Street.

Apparently, for a while now, conspiracy theorists (read: anyone who has seen Die Hard: with a Vengeance) have been questioning whether billions of dollars worth of gold has been looted in a dramatic heist. Or alternately, used in shady, shady government money transactions:

PRESIDENT: OK, we need to talk about this deficit. Boy - we are in debt.

ADVISER: Mr. President, have you seen those ads for "Cash for Gold?" They seem really legit and, as it happens,we have a lot of gold.

PRESIDENT: I love this suggestion. All in favor? Ha, ha! Who am I kidding?? I'm the President! Let's do it!

Because that's probably exactly what happened.

But it turns out the government got offended by these rumors, and have been - surprisingly quietly - conducting an audit of the gold since January.

That seems like a really long time to do an audit until you consider that almost a quarter of the WORLD'S gold reserves take residence in the Fed's Vault.

The world's. Which is pretty trusting of other countries to be all, "Hey, U.S., can we store a few billion worth of Gold with you? We can?? Great! But - you have to PROMISE not to spend it on your things."

I don't know a lot about storing gold, but if I've learned anything from movies and fiction novels, it's that Switzerland is the place to go for things like that. It's not that I don't trust our government...except that it kinda is. A little. 

Apparently it's taking a long time because gold auditing isn't exactly like proving you know how to file your taxes correctly. They have to weigh and measure the gold, plus take samples to make sure that a crazy alchemist didn't sneak in and turn the gold into another material the gold is real.

The results of the audit are supposed to be released later this year. So, be looking for a headline that reads: "GOOD NEWS! WE HAVE LOTS OF GOLD. HURRAY!"

But the government better watch out for these guys. They're NOTORIOUS for attempting to take off with Gold.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

The chilly side of the rainforest

I know a thing or two about rainforests.

Like, literally - one or two things. Here they are:

They are forests with high rainfall.

Deforestation is an issue because they're being destroyed at a rapid pace - which sucks because a lot of their plants are used for medicine. 

BONUS: Indigenous tribes live there who would never be able to read this because they don't EVEN KNOW WHAT ELECTRICITY IS. Kinda amazing.

BONUS BONUS: Experts think that there are a lot of undiscovered plant and animal species hidden there.

BONUSx3: Fern Gully

Oh, and of course - silly me. Can't believe I missed this one - they're found in Antarctica.

........ (*head scratches*)

You can read that line again all you want, but contrary to what your eyes and brain are telling you, I know what I'm talking about. It's just brand new information. That's why it's today's news of the day.

Recently, scientists were drilling the seabed off of Antarctica to collect sediment cores. Because - they're scientists and that's what they do. Bless them. When they were checking out their newly acquired seabed dirt (because that's what it is, basically), they discovered fossil pollens that had come from a "near-tropical forest" in the samples. At first they were like, "OK, who's the wiseguy who put TROPICAL FOSSIL POLLENS in the Antarctic samples?"

Then they shook their heads and had a good laugh while they waited for the culprit to speak up. After a moment of awkward silence, they realized that they had actually found tropical fossil pollens.

It turns out that just a few (read: 52 million) years ago a rainforest covered the continent. Like a legit rainforest. Probably had crazy looking animals and everything. And it wasn't even like the sorta off-beat Southern cousin of today's rainforests - you know the type: trees that are all braggy that they don't need a sweater when it's nippy outside because the cold feels hot to them. Antarctica was actually a balmy place for a bit.

Or, you know, as balmy as it can be at 68 degrees. But when you consider that the average temperature in Antarctica is about -52 F, that's bikini weather. 

But now scientists are all in a hypothesis-crazy tizzy trying to see who can be the smartest eco-scientist first. The generally accepted theory right now is that CO2 levels were much higher way-back-when, making balmy Antarctica a thing.

This really threw those Antarctica scientists for a loop. They basically thought they were studying snow and penguin poop.

Or something.

But as with so many answered questions, that leaves me like a two-year old who just discovered how questions work: I want to ask a lot more of them. Like:

Does that mean places that are now tropical locations used to be super cold?

Were there neanderthal scientists like, "Oh no! Global cooling!"?

Where did all the TREES go?

So. Many. Questions. I guess only time will tell.

Or, you know, scientists will tell. But in good time.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Really BADminton

You can't spell "Olympics" without at least a few of the letters from "scandal". Wrap your head around that special piece of knowledge for a minute. Impressive, no?

No? Oh. Well. Moving on.

The London Olympics has had their fair share of scandal already. Disqualification for inappropriate tweets, steroid allegations, and now the most scandalous of scandals (thus far at least. Let's give Olympians credit...there are surely more scandals to follow), eight Badminton players have been disqualified for throwing their matches.

Wait...huh?

THROWING their matches? Throwing their matches? Isn't the Olympics the onetime that they should be trying to, I dunno...win?????

Unfortunately for the booted players, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) thinks so. The four teams in question (women's double pairs from China, South Korea and Indonesia) are being charged with breaking the Olympic code of conduct by "not using their best efforts to win a match."

I'm sure when the IOC wrote this official code of conduct, they were originally like, "Ugh, do we really need to spell this out for people?" But then a lawyer was there and was all, "Yes - because in the event of a scandal...." and then the IOC stopped listening because they went into a coma from the lawyer speak, and were like, "Alright, alright, alrightalrightalrightalright...we'll make rules! Happy??"

So then they made a cursory list that looked like this:

Don't be a poor sport.

No nudity.

The lawyer wasn't happy that it only had two items so they begrudgingly made the list longer. Still, when the "don't actively try to lose" thing came up, they were like, "that's dumb. No one is going to actively try to lose." But the lawyer gave them a look, so they put it down anyway.

And never were they happier with that decision than when the badminton players were being punks.

Why were they doing that, you ask? Excellent question.

According to South Korea's head coach, it's very simple.

"The Chinese started this. They did it first."

Excellent. A good finger pointing is always a good way to prove innocence.

But BASICALLY, here's the breakdown. The Chinese team didn't want to play their compatriots in the next round (so, the other Chinese team, for those of you keeping up), so they were like, if we lose this round, we won't have to play them until the gold medal match, so we can win gold and silver!"

Because, in a Round Robin style tournament, they were able to predict how everything else was going to fall.

So, one clever Chinese team was like, "oops! I missed the birdie!" and "man, you guys are just TOO GOOD FOR US! You should just declare them the winner, official badminton ref guy."

But the two teams from South Korea were on to their dastardly plan and were like 2 - or 6, rather - can play at this game, and they got into a battle of who can lose worse better. Indonesia didn't want to be left out and was like, if you CAN beat 'em, thwart 'em.

So they all were doing their best at playing their worst. The refs were like, "What the devil is going on! I play better badminton in my backyard!" (To which i think - isn't that...always where it's played? No?) And that's when the IOC was like, "THANK GOODNESS WE MADE THAT LIST!"

And then they were like Oprah, but instead of handing out cars, they were all, "You're disqualified, you're disqualified, you're disqualified, YOU'RE DISQUALIFIED!!!!"

I guess they should have considered that if they were really good at winning, they could also be really good at losing. TOO good, though. Mission woefully accomplished.

So much disappointment. Badminton indeed.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Not-so-socially accepted media

Nothing unites the people of the world better than the combined spirit that comes from acts of incredible sportsmanship and feats of human ability like the Olympics. After all, it's a rare thing that can transcend both language and cultural barriers.

And nothing is more opposite of that than social media.

Don't get me wrong. I love social media. Other than this blog, I have a Facebook account, a twitter handle, twitter handle for this blog, and am on linkedin to name an easy few.

But the anonymity that social media provides can make people just the worst.

Which brings us to today's story.

So, yesterday-ish (time zones...you get it), the men's synchronized 10 meter platform diving competition was held. Great Britain competitors Tom Daley and Pete Waterfield were home team favorites (natch) and doing really well...but still came in 4th. To which most of us are like, "chin up, fellas, you're still Olympians and we're all just sitting here in our cubes pretending to be important."

Or something.

But one person in particular was all, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!" and threw things and stuff because, you know, people overreact.

Then, because heightened negative emotions and instantly published media are always a good mix, they took to twitter under user name Rileyy_69 and told Tom Daley, "You let your dad down i hope you know that."

Which at first I'm sure no one was like, "Oooh! He played the disappointment card!" Except, it's important to understand that it is widely known in the UK that Tom Daley's dad died last year as a result of aggressive brain cancer.

Nuh. Uh. So, now everyone is all, "*GASP* OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!" Because, low blow, right?

And Daley's twitter followers were not having it. They swarmed on Rileyy_69 for his stinging remark and even managed to get him trending on twitter. Which not only made Kim Kardashian jealous, but made him be, all "Why are people attacking me? jeez! Can't you take a joke."

But, apparently anonymous tweeting demands a response because Rileyy_69's next few tweets looked something like this.

                "Tom, did you hear me? I said I was sorry."

                "Tom? You there? Tooooooom! I'm trying to apologize to you!"

                "TOM I SAID I WAS SORRY AND YOU DON'T EVEN RESPOND TO ME I HATE YOU AGAIN YOU'RE THE WORST LOUD NOISES!!!"

Or something.

But what Rileyy_69 didn't realize as he was not-so-carefully choosing his words 140 characters at a time, was that since 2003, Great Britain has had a "let's keep it civilized, people" type-law that allows people to be arrested for malicious communications and can face legal consequences for abusive commentary.

Oops.

So Rileyy_69, (who, no surprise here, is 17-years old), was arrested. But before he was taken to the station, he promised in his last tweet, "I will be back."

(Huh. Those words really lose their impact when they aren't said by an Austrian-accented robot from the future, don't they?)

Anyway, there are a lot of lessons we can all learn here. Sportsmanship. Kindness. Humanity. Not taking twitter anonymity at face value.

And most importantly let's never forget that sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can come back and totally haunt you and give you a police record.

So be nice.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

No power for the people: An electricity story

I will argue that nothing makes you feel more stupid than the power going out.

Now hold on. Before you rush to disagree, think about it. How many times has the power gone out and you tried to flip on a light switch when you went into another room? Or decided to flip on the TV to see what the news says about the power outage? Or planned what to make for dinner since you're already bored and there's no electricity (therefore meaning that there's nothing to do) only to realize that you can't actually cook anything because the power is out?

I rest my case.

But that brings us to today's news story.

Hundreds of millions of people in India did hundreds of millions of things to feel stupid were without power after the country's Northern grid crashed in the early morning hours.

So now you're thinking, "How did hells-bells did that happen?" Because, we are caring people who worry about others being without power. 

You guys. That's SUPER nice of you.

Well, in "news that isn't news to anyone" news, people don't like being hot and sweaty, so residents have been using loads of electricity to power things like fans and air conditioning to keep the heat at bay. Totally understandable. The only problem is that the Uttar Pradesh Power Corporation has had trouble keeping up with the demand for electricity.

Which is a problem both because the power grid was all, "peace out, suckuhs!" then turned itself off in protest of being overworked, and also because the Uttar Pradesh Power Corporation is, as it says in their title, a POWER CORPORATION. So, when the power goes out, they're actually the "Ain't No Power" Corporation. So now they have to change all of their signs.

Which probably takes power to do.

But worse than their erroneous name, is the millions of people who need the power. Not only do they not have AC, but businesses can't function and trains can't run. So, people can't even get to work to not-be-able to do their work.

Oh. It's a cluster.

Here's how things got out of hand. It turns out that each individual state is allotted a certain amount of megawatts of power.

And each state was all, "I solemnly swear that we will totally only use the amount of power we're supposed to use." The only problem is that all of them were crossing their fingers when they said that, so you know, their promises were null and void.

But since everyone decided to go take-backsies on their word, the power grid was overdrawn and was like, "I'm not paid enough for this BS!" and quit.

Now every state is in deny, deny, deny mode being all, "that doesn't look like my signature on that line," and "I totally don't remember making promises like that," and "what's that over there!?!!?" and then ran away.

Now officials are looking into punishing the states that overdraw from their allotted amount of megawatts.

By taking away their power, probably. So, you know, totally different than how things are working now.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Olympics: Taking clothes off and putting them back on again.

After four long years, the summer Olympics are finally here! I am so excited I thought about acquiring a strange disease that would validate being absent from work for 17 days.

But I thought better of it. (People gossip.) BUT, I would bereft if I didn't dedicate this post to a piece of Olympics related news.

And no, sadly, I am not talking about the US swim team's viral video of "Call Me Maybe."

INSTEAD, let's talk about a source of much debate this Olympics. Can you guess what it is? 

Steroids? Nope.

Social media? Surprisingly, no.

Michael Phelps? Nah.

Female wardrobe during the Olympics? Okay - you twisted my arm. Let's talk about this!

Some athletes are clothes off. Some athletes are clothes on. And others are fighting the good fight to keep from having to wear skirts. 

SO MANY CLOTHES ARE FLYING AROUND HERE! If I didn't know better, I'd say this blog is a strip club. 

But I do. It's not.

Back to it, though. Let's talk about wardrobe things in the order stated, shall we?

In "takin' it all off" news, Saudi America is not only sending women competitors to the Olympics for the FIRST TIME EVER ('bout time, S'Arabia...jeeze), but their female judo competitor, Wodjan Ali Seraj Abdulrahim Shaherkani, will be doing it sans Hijab.

She was like, "as long as I'm going to be doing a first, I'm gonna make a first."Because, smart move, long-named lady. The next not-first competitor can't take away any of your first glory if you do all the firsts you can possibly do. Good for you! Besides, judo - when translated to any language - comes out to roughly mean, "don't cross me or I will hurt you."

I think.

But that's not the only clothing decision making waves this Olympics.

Much to the chagrin of people who've already purchased tickets to the beach volleyball competition, let's talk about putting clothes on,

If you've ever watched beach volleyball, you probably weren't really aware that any playing or scoring occurred because a lot of attention goes to...er...um...how to put this delicately...?

Their asses.

For the first time since the invention of the sports bikini, the Olympics are like, "Um, maybe you should put some clothes back on," and were throwing shorts at the athletes in an attempt to get them to cover up.

The athletes all bonded together in solidarity and were like, "we all have very specific and rare medical conditions that prevent us from covering up our perfectly muscular bodies."

The Olympic committee was like, "oh my! It's medically related! Then by all means, carry on."

But still. for any of the volleyball contenders that don't suffer from this tragic condition, they have the option of wearing shorts.

Because it's totally less revealing.

So, that may be a thing. Or not. Definitely not. But if it turns out to be a thing, you heard it here first.

And finally, in, "Really?!?!?" news, the Amateur International Boxing Association is trying to make female boxers wear skirts in the boxing ring.

Because nothing says, "TKO" like a pleated skirt, amirite??

*crickets.*

Wait...this isn't a porno? THEN WHY ARE WE TRYING TO MAKE BOXERS WEAR SKIRTS?

Apparently, it's to help viewers differentiate the female boxers from the male boxers. Which is a good point since everyone has a hard time telling whether or not mean have boobs or wear sports bras ALL the time.

But, trouble distinguishing sexes aside, female boxers are arguing that boxing is a combative, pugilistic sport that shouldn't be subjected to gender wardrobe distinctions.

Besides, a girl would totally be embarrassed if they got their ass kicked by a girl in a skirt.

And also, something about viewership. I know that I am MUCH more likely to watch women punch each other in the faces when they wear skirts. Wait...I think I stated that wrong. I am much more likely to make fun of women punching each other in the face when the wear skirts. I'm told that those two comments are completely different. My bad.

Any which way, though - skirts, no skirts, Hijab, no hijab, shorts or no shorts - I think we should all be united in supporting all of these athletes in both their sports and their wardrobe decisions.

Mostly because it should all be about the sport and athleticism and finding the best in the world regardless of our differences.

And partly because these women are fierce. They'll kick your ass no matter what they're wearing. So, if you can't beat 'em (you can't) support 'em.

Kick ass ladies.

Let the games begin!

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Meat...it's not what's for dinner at the USDA

Uh-oh, USDA, you may not have intended to, but you sure did step in some cow dung this time.

In what is now being referred to as MooGate (I mean, probably), the USDA is in hot, hot water for using their newsletter to invite people to participate in "Meatless Mondays" when they dine in their cafeterias. 

First, let's delve in to Meatless Mondays. Because if you were like me and were like, "Apparently agriculture addicts adore alliteration and alliteration is awesome," but knew nothing else about it, there are some actual non-alliteration-based reasons behind the initiative.

But, let's first all agree that the alliteration is the probably the most important. Unless you're a cow, understandably.

The Meatless Mondays movement was originally supported during the world wars when resources were scarce. But now, despite the world's best warring efforts, we don't have a World War 3 to blame, so there are three main reasons the movement is being supported.

To improve our health. Because allegedly meat causes - to be scientifically accurate - unhealthy body stuff.

To reduce our carbon footprint. Because they apparently aren't the footprints referred to in the poem, "Footprints in the sand."

To "lead the world in the race to reduce climate change." When cows fart, the ozone is like, "Ew. I don't have to put up with this. I'm leaving."

And then a bunch of celebrities got on board, so naturally, now it's a thing.

Fast forward a bit and we're back at the present. Still with me? Good.

So, someone at the USDA was like, "We need to bulk up our newsletter this month. It's a little light after we mention the new lights in the barber shop." Then they panicked because they don't do well under pressure, and threw in Meatless Monday's because, as we've established, it's catchy.

But, oh my, that's when the cow droppings hit the energy-saving windmill. Lawmakers and livestock producers were like, "WTF?!!?!?!?!?" And did the only natural thing they could think of: they went to Twitter.

"Shame USDA. I will eat more meat on Monday to compensate for stupid USDA recommendation about a meatless Monday." - Iowa Sen. Chuck Grassley 

Because overeating is a superior solution, sir.

Understandably, though, the livestock folks were like, "This is the worst thing that has ever happened to us ever. At least, since Oprah." Or something.

But, the USDA did have the full support of one never (read: always) controversial group: PETA. They called up the USDA and were like, "you're our faves, we're totally going to "like" this on facebook. Wait...first we're going to throw paint on people. THEN we will like this on facebook."

But, the agriculture department is supposed to promote and support all of US agriculture - which includes meat. So, unless they shared the wealth with days like,  "Tofu? NO-FOO'! Tuesday", "Watermelon-less Wednesday", "Thwart these cheeses Thursday", and "Forget Frisee Friday,"  they aren't really doing the best job promoting the growth, purchase and consumption of U.S. agriculture.

They tried being like, "you guys! We didn't say "MEATLESS" Monday, we said, "BEET-less Monday." But then the beet growers of America were all, "as if we didn't have enough trouble getting people to eat beets!"

So instead, the USDA did what any other agency would do: they issued a "wasn't me" apology.

"USDA does not endorse Meatless Monday....the plug was posted without proper clearance." 

So, now they're having a cookout. Because nothing says, I'm sorry like a BBQ.

But it's totally gonna be held on a Tuesday.

[newsofthedayoftheday]

Grounded for life by way of Rome

I don't want to give anyone with bad intentions any ideas, so if you are someone of bad intentions, stop reading now. Click here instead. Enjoy and be a better person.

OK, now that those guys are gone, it's just us good intentioned people. So we can get to today's news story.

11-year old British boy Liam Corcoran managed to bypass multiple levels of security and board a Jet2 flight from Manchester, England to Rome, Italy without a passport, boarding pass or anyone actually noticing.

"Oops." - (un)official statement from Manchester Airport officials

So, how did this happen? Some officials are still claiming "magic." But that doesn't give a lot of credit to Liam. Let's take a look at the series of events.

Liam was out with his mom at a shopping center near the airport and was like, "Mum, I'm bored! Let's do something. Muuuu-uuuuuum!" And she was like, "LIAM! If you're bored, find something to entertain yourself!" And so he thought about things that would be fun. He narrowed it down between making up stories about pirates and stowing away on an international flight. It was a tough call, so he flipped a coin and the latter won.

So, he was all, "Be right back mum, have to go use the loo......in the airport..." and he snuck away.

When Liam got to the airport he was like, "people seem to be going this way." And he ended up in line at security. But he found someone his age and started asking him questions like, "what's your favorite Pokemon," and they became line friends.

Parents were like, "aww, they're line friends!"

Security saw the family (plus Liam) and halfheartedly asked, "How many children are with you?" but then immediately stopped caring and were all, "yeah, that number seems accurate. Carry on."

A pleasantly surprised Liam then found himself in the gate area. He was all, "I don't know what the fuss is...this has been easy," and randomly picked a flight that was boarding. So he hopped in line with another family and naturally pulled the Pokemon thing again because, he's 11 and that's the best only tool in his arsenal. The gate agent  scanning the tickets got distracted by someone asking if kosher meals would be served on the flight - and she hated her job anyway - so he again managed to slip by.

I mean, most likely.

But here is where the really amazing part happened: HE FOUND AN EMPTY SEAT ON THE FLIGHT.

WHAT? I can't even find a spot for my bag let alone find an empty seat on a flight. So...now I'm beginning to wander if magic WAS involved....

Anyway, so then the flight attendants were doing their mandatory "let's-make-sure-no-one-snuck-on-board" head count, and when they passed Liam they were like, "77, 78, 79..." So Liam started talking loudly to the person next to him and was all, "I am ELEVEN years old, my favorite number is NINETY-TWO, I have FORTY THREE pence in my piggy bank...." That really threw off the flight attendant's counting, and they were ready for take-off so she was like, "meh. I'm within 10. Accurate enough!"

And so the the flight was off to Rome.

But, sadly for Liam, this is where he got cocky. He started bragging to his seat buddy that he thwarted probably 67 levels of security (or, 8) and was probably the smartest 11-year old in the whole world. But, his seat mate was like, "Wait....I could have had TWO SEATS TO MYSELF ON AN INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT?" So, you better believe he hit his flight attendant button super fast.

So then they played telephone and it went like this:

Passenger --> Flight attendant, Flight attendant --> Pilot, Pilot --> to Tower, Tower --> (it gets muggy here) Liam's mom.

The press has released an unofficial photo of her reacting to the phone call:

Sadly, we'll never find out if Italian airport customs security it better than England's because they made Kevin McAllister Liam stay on the plane and go straight home where he is now probably grounded forever.

Or at least a week.

Ten bucks says Liam has the coolest, "What I did over summer vacation" story when he goes back to school.

At least, let's hope so.