You know what’s funny is when you finally get on ssris and actually continue to take it and it’s been 6 months and your depression is mostly gone, your anxiety is mostly gone, and you kind of find yourself and your sense of self again. But like in the back of my head I’m always wondering, how long is this gonna last? Am I finally “cured” ?
I still have all my problems and I’m looking at it at half full rather than half empty. Idk, I know I have my problems still with addiction and sometimes they come in full swing but it really does count to have a solid sense of thinking about it instead of hit hit hit kill myself kill myself im so unworthy, bad thoughts bad thoughts, DEPRESSION! Self harm! bc I hate myself and the actions I’ve done. Rinse and fucking repeat.
Atleast now I can sort of have a gentler outlook on things. Getting older has actually helped. I was so insane about turning 30 but 31 has been a lot more gentler. I have been a lot more gentler. I think I’ve just seen myself and experienced myself in such pits of depression and suicidal ideation that it’s a breath of fresh air at this point to want to live.
I want to live and see my niece and nephews grow up. I love them so much and they are such characters! I want to live and live and live and take care of my loved ones and see them grow old and grow up and I kind of just want to live for the people who make me want to be alive. I live for them.
I’ve kind of always kept myself alive for someone else. And that’s okay. It has to be.
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