life tip #1 it’s okay to take care of yourself
tldr: it’s okay to be selfish and to put your health and wellbeing over another person. it’s okay to let go of toxic relationships and it’s okay to move on and take care of yourself. you are the most important person in your life.
This is a personal story of mine; it’s going to be v long so sorry :P
I value friendships a lot. I don’t hold grudges and I’m nice to everyone.
It’s my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
I grew up in a very collectivist culture which basically means that there’s a strong emphasis on family values and community support. Family, education and community wellbeing is at the top of the priority ladder which means friendship falls somewhere near the bottom. So for someone like me, growing up with a group of friends was like something amazing because I never knew how much a bunch of strangers could grow to be like your family.
Or so I thought.
I refused to think of it then as verbal abuse and obviously I refused to think of it as bullying. Because I just thought to myself ‘oh they’re just playing around, that’s what friends do.’
It kind of happened at one point in Year 5. I was about 10/11. I got really sick and I fainted. It wasn’t a big fuss, I just wasn’t drinking enough water or something and then when I got back to school, naturally, the first thing I did was tell my friends. Instead of asking me if I was okay, they started saying I was pregnant and that I was a slut so that was why I started fainting. Later that day, I got a message in my locker from one of my ‘friends’ with basically the same insults typed out in large black font. Thankfully, another girl stepped in and took it to the teacher.
I forgave her. But that wasn’t the end of it.
Near the end of the school year, we went to one of my friend’s house and all was well for about two hours until they told me to stay in a room and wait for a bit while they all did something. Blame my naivety but I thought absolutely nothing of it. About 10 minutes pass and I get suspicious so I look outside and they’re putting on jewellery, laughing and taking photos of each other. And they know I’m standing right there, watching them because they deliberately make eye contact with me every few seconds as if to say ‘look at us, and look at you, the loser.’ I was so upset, I called my Dad to pick me up and we left it at that.
I forgave them the next day.
In Year 6, I met another girl in my year outside my friendship group. Let’s call her Maria. She was smart, funny and she loved books and I instantly connected with her so much more than with my current ‘friends.’ I have her to thank for my love of literature today. I started hanging out with her more often; I enjoyed her company more, and somehow that translated to ‘oh, they’re both lesbians.’
I’m not a lesbian. I’m straight. There’s nothing wrong with being part of the lgbtq+ community but to be labelled as such when I was just friends with this girl was demoralising, rude and hurtful. They started saying things like ‘since you like her so much, why don’t you guys get married,’ and ‘you’ve betrayed our group since you’re hanging out with your lesbian girlfriend.’ I couldn’t for the life of me understand why they were saying these things. And you know what I did?
I apologised. I apologised for hanging out with her too often. They shunned me, calling me names in person, on social media… they ignored me at school and I remember standing on the top level of my classroom building looking over the railing and feeling just utterly, utterly lost. I was 12 at the time, and I remember Maria seeing me standing there and knowing something was wrong. She was the only one who noticed and she pulled me into the bathroom and asked me what happened. I brushed it off and told her everything was fine. It wasn’t.
The abuse continued on and off for the rest of the year; luckily, I had received a scholarship to another school so I was leaving everything behind. Even so, I still cried when I left. I cried with my friends and told them I’d never forget them and I’d keep in contact with them.
Of course that didn’t happen. I lost contact with them and unfortunately with Maria as well.
As I entered my new school, I was able to meet a totally new group of people who have taught me so much, who have shaped me into the person who I am today, who have been there for me and who are just beautiful human beings inside and out. It was about in Year 8 that I told myself that yes, those people in my primary school were bullying me and that it was a toxic relationship that I had with them. And that it was totally okay to hate them and totally okay to move on. I forgave and forgot; we were young at the time and it’s true that kids can be unnecessarily cruel.
But I’ve grown up now, into a better person and someone who also tries to look out for herself as much as she looks out for her friends. I didn’t realise at the time how much it took a toll on my mental health and I know now with a beautiful group of people I call my friends what a good friendship is like.
I know my story isn’t as extreme as other bullying cases out there or as terrible as some relationships. Some of you have been through truly awful times and sometimes, it just feels like you want a dark hole to swallow you up. But we’ve all made it to the other side, albeit with bruises and cuts and scrapes. We’re still here and kickin hard.
I wanted to leave my story here for people to read and know, and to accept that no matter how hard it is, if that friendship or relationship is taking its toll on you and you feel sad more times than you feel happy, then it’s time to let go.
I still struggle to move on sometimes, which is okay. But now I’ve accepted the fact that if something just isn’t working out for me, I need to leave it. I’ve had enough of people walking over me and using me. And you should too. You are the most important person in your life and you need to take care of yourself.
We are social animals. We want to belong, to be liked and to be popular. But there comes a time when there’s a fine line between pleasing other people and hurting yourself in the process.
Love yourself. You deserve it. Let go of that toxicity, that terrible burden, and move on.
Otherwise it’s not fair on you.
as always, feel free to share your story :) my inbox is always open
