Night Writer

My Non-Fictional and Fictional life in poetic entries. Only you can decide what is real, and what isn’t.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Disdain and Destruction

My heart contains no more for you

I’ve pretended long enough, no more lies

The feelings I showed were made up, untrue.

Left for dead, food for flies

Destruction is all I’ve been known for

This strong desire to get in and terrorize everyone

Monster to some, savior to a few, Godzilla to the core

As the city smolders, I grimace at my destruction, the deafening crowds are no more

I search the rubble to see if any remain

The few gaze on and worship as I have come to free them from their constructs

Others maddened by all the death are driven insane

My favorite are those with so much hatred, it festers inside, gathering to show me disdain.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Why Love?

Why does it consume me

The desire to become we

I’ve imagined so many possible outcomes

Thousands upon thousands of endless opportunities

Who knows the outcome would be no again

Another weight to speed my descent

Plans to drown in it, no more gasping for air

I’m so immune to this fear, I couldn’t stop to care.

I lie to further hide the loss on my face

I’ve always cared about winning, first place

But you can’t win everything

So I created this toxic loop to avoid mentally loosing.

She’s past this I assume, I was too much?

But what is too much, was it not enough?

Ugh this fucking game that we play

Not too hot, not too cold the price we pay

The worst part about it I doubt she will ever know what I’d like to say

And the way she made me feel won’t go away

In my mind is when I first saw her, her eyes something about the way she looked

If there was anyone to be stuck on this planet with, it’s you I hoped

Alas, it was only wishful thinking and imaginative story telling

I saw what I wanted but only thought about what I was wanting

Now someone else will have a chance to claim Excalibur

You can want someone so bad, but if it’s not the same then I’m a fool for waiting for her.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Balboa Park

As we sat at the friendship garden I remember looking at the zen garden

The sand had been raked I wonder how long it took, I can only imagine

I saw the perfection in the display, and I had perfection next to me

Still in the early stages, I didn’t want to be needy

Then she said what I had wanted to hear for awhile

“I love you” my jaw dropped as she casually flashes a smile

I looked at her confused, not sure if she made a mistake or maybe misspoke

But no, this was the moment she had chosen, perfectly magical for her quote

I always enjoyed balboa park when I was younger,

There’s so much more to enjoy now that I’m older

[nightwriterupallnight]

There is magic on your lips.

Ever since that first kiss, I just can’t get enough of you

The feeling was the best, we’re magnetic, us two.

Your lips pulled me in, I was trapped by your bite, you bit my lips to turn up the heat

I hold your hips, this feeling it feels so right, we begin to move to the beat

The music takes over, clothes fly off like tornados, as the room spins, breathless

Wake up next to her, the room still in shambles, she is my happiness.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Sacrifice

My eyes flutter open to my sister waiting for me

“Mom can’t take us to school, and I have to go early”

I see 5am, “fuck I have work today”

Throw on some shoes and we’re on our way

We get on the highway to join the morning crawl

My sister brings up our last time at the mall

She talks about the fun she had and she really enjoyed it

Then it hit me, she enjoyed it

As much as I hate waking up for her AP Chem

My father, he would of done it for them

Now someone must take up the mantle

So I the eldest, must fulfill my title

[nightwriterupallnight]

Can’t press rewind.

It’s been awhile since I heard your voice

You know music so well, the perfect choice

You were an expert at your hobby, your passion

I still listen to the results from your mission

You would hear a song and research then look into the background

You’d discover commonality between artists, searching for that sound

A sound that only you knew.

A second sight, the perfect view

You orchestrated these playlists with seemless music transitions.

Even now I still listen to it during smoke sessions.

If you’re reading this you are missed

If not, atleast I still have this playlist.

[nightwriterupallnight]

I hide how much I miss you.

To my father, the man I always wanted to be

I hope I become that image that you imagined me to be

I always doubted me, I feared the dark and what I couldn’t see

But you, played catch with me, so I could become a high school mvp.

You helped me stay on task and finish something

Those 2am last minute assignments you finished, meant everything.

I’m sorry it took so long for me too see, for me to understand who I was meant to be

When I was in trouble we talked after when I was younger, you told me some day I’d understand when I was older

I’ve always wasted, hesitated, and missed so many chances and opportunities

The fear of failure keeps me from trying at all, I’m afraid of falling, failing, and never trusting my own abilities.

I’ll live this life with all this loss, my heart feels for all those before

I tell myself to move on, you don’t need the stress, but it’s so different when it’s someone you lived for.

Quick fill the void, searching, hunting, I run lost in the dark

I no longer fear it, welcoming, exciting, encompassing, into nothing I embark

I notice changes in me, like small cracks I start to chip away, you were the inspiration to my label

I would come home from work you were always there, I’d see you sitting in table

I don’t blame god or anyone for what happened. Cancer has no cure, so death was unfortunately expected.

The same emptiness I grabbed it. I depended on reversing the emotions to omit the pain so I could become unaffected.

So I slowly let my sorrow out of the jar, because too much sorrow would be impossible for someone to bare. But also you shouldn’t care because no matter how much you “relate” you weren’t. even. there.

[nightwriterupallnight]

How to hide from pain.

What’s the point of all this

Trying to find the one that fits

Among 10 people I’m supposed to find one

She’ll last forever and then it’s done

I want the one but who is she

Does she even want me

To be honest, I doubt she does

Atleast that’s how it seems

I’m just an extra convenient body

I’m social and decent at a party

But why am I only known for that

A fun time, someone to laugh with or at

I try to be this person I’m not

Expensive clothes, expensive food the whole lot

Buy expensive drugs so I cann feel like a someone

Like I’ve made it, rich enough to be “on a good one”

But it’s all a lie

A god damn lie, as I try

Try to become this god I can never be

The standards so high it seems I’ll never succede

Why now after all these weekends of going out

Why now do I feel a need to shout

Shout all my problems upon honking horns and dead ears

My shouts mere mouse squeaks to my piers

As theh focus on problems they have and go somewhere in life

I a grim reaper without a scythe

Lead anyone and everyone to there early doom

Gone so much I hardly see my own room

I do all these things to hide the pain

Yet with a therapist I seem perfectly sain

I speak of good times and laughs all around

The have no fucking clue, the sound

Sound of me questioning my every move

As I go against what little faith I have left, I just want to prove

Prove to everyone that I can do it

But then I have moments like these, where I want to quit

Hiding from the pain is easy

As simple as one, two, the death of me.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Paradise for now

The temperature was perfect

The beach, the place to reflect

I can smoke and empty my mind

Leave all the bullshit behind

But once the comedown begins

And as the paradise ends

I see who I’ve really become

A soul, cold and numb

Look at the past to reassure

And the uncertainty of the future

I doubt myself, and my own ability

I feel I’ll never obtain credibility

Gifts I have squandered over these past years

Unused and abandoned because of judgmental peers

Ive become someone I never knew existed

Is this my lack of faith being tested?

I don’t know, I have no idea to this madness

This rabbit hole of confusion and sadness

Trained to hide the sadest of emotions

As I cover them with my past biblical obsessions

I lie through my teeth as I show a smile

The problems cluster like an overwhelming laundry pile

Yes it may be paradise for now

Sadly it won’t it last, I don’t know how.

[nightwriterupallnight]

My flame burns out

I feel like I’m missing someone

A missing key has me feeling lonesome

Even though I’m supposed to move moved on

It’s hard to me, I mean she’s gone

Good for her staying busy, I was always in the way

I feel like I hold her back, even to this day

Its been a while since I’ve felt inspired

Trying to stay busy until I’m tired

Just non stop stimulation

Like I’m caught in a VR simulation

I don’t even think she has a tumblr

So this feeling will be hidden under

Under the “fun” and “good times” I’m having

Block out the pain with all the drinking

Drugs to feel the happiness I had before sober

The realty is that happiness is over

Its a short lived quick fix bandaid to a severed hand

It’s seems like I had it under control, accordingly planned

But truth is I don’t know what comes next

I’m confused it’s as if I’m perplexed

I feel like my hunger and desire is insatiable

Leaving me in shambles, literally unstable

I try to fill this void with anything

Drugs, drinking, partying, and everything

But still at the end of the night when it wears off finally

I still feel alone, and I know eventually

Eventually my wick will burn black

Nothing will remain, there’s no way of going back.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Mail

Am I the only one pressing refresh

Checking the spam and trash

To make sure I didn’t miss a letter

The very particular one from her

I still look and check often

I wonder if it’s finally done

Maybe she’s just busy

Or maybe she doesn’t miss me

Should I be thinking about these things? No

Shouldn’t it have been so easy to move on, thought so.

Yet here I am up at 1:00am

Writing this, not sure who I am

Is this my better personality?

Is this the person I used to be?

I’m really not sure

All I know is I miss her

If you’re reading this, I hope you’re doing well

Ever since that last day, my life’s been a living hell.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Stuck on you

When she stepped out and walked away

I knew it was the very end that day

That was the last time she was my girl

She left and with her went the world

Colors faded and went to black and white

I held back tears with all my might

I succeded, didn’t show my emotions

But I lost because of poor decisions

I sat in my car for a bit just thinking

I looked up and had this dying feeling

I wish I could undo it all

Those mistakes that led to the fall

I had no idea, I never knew

That I would be this stuck onto you.

[nightwriterupallnight]

I never learn

It seems I never learn from my past experiences

I just repeat and repeat expecting differences

It seems as if I take beautiful things

Then in my attempt to pull the strings

Destroy everything about her

I always say I’ll never

But I always do

Maybe I should just go

I honestly don’t know but I will try anything

I ruined what I had with her, everything

Is gone now

It’s not a question of how

Because I know what I did

I was dishonest, I lied

For that I don’t deserve her

And I should be left alone to suffer.

[nightwriterupallnight]

In another life

In another life would I still be the same person

Or would I be a different someone

One thing I’ve always wanted to do is go to the middle of nowhere

Look at the stars, talk about deeper things, smoke with you, my perfect pair.

In an alternate life, this could be us together

But would it be? I mean what if we never

even met each other.

Never hugged, never smelt, never became my lover

I wonder how similar or how different an alternate universe would be

I just hope that if I do travel to one, it’s the universe with you, under that stary sky, next to me.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Loosing Interest

I don’t know but life is so odd

Unsure of the role of God

Seems as if things are hopeless

Old hobbies and things I liked, useless

Finally achieving a dream I thought I wanted

Left that nightmare, sometimes still haunted

I joke about my time there, try to convince myself it was for the best

But was it? I shudder as I attempt to put it to rest.

Financial struggle is the start of success

Financial struggle is the start of homelessness

Not to sure. You either 360 and change

Or debt becomes your cage

You toss the key and give up escape

Falling further into your comfort place

Am I doomed to this fate

Paycheck to paycheck, “feels great”

As I write this I dread what is to come

Muscle memory pushes me through, numb

Work is just ...left, ...right, ...left, ...right

Clock out and go out on the night

Sleep 2 hours and repeat

This endless cycle leaves me beat

But I have to keep on, for life’s only purpose

I’ll do it forever until I loose interest.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Twin Olives, Apt #5

I looked forward to this day, since last week

Once I finally arrived, I was on the highest peak

I could feel the cool breeze bringing me higher

I actually liked her, or maybe I’m a liar.

Now I’ll never know what we could of been

Since she decided to go back to her boyfriend

So I guess I’m the dumb one here

Helped her, was so close, so near

But it all blew up, when I got the wrong signal

The unexpected outcome was abysmal

I thought she wanted it

She said she enjoyed it

She said I’m still considered to be a friend

But friends that don’t talk, no need to pretend

I know I’m shit, and I made a huge mistake

And now I’m sitting here restless, still awake.

[nightwriterupallnight]

Mon Premier

When she walked in

I had no idea what would happen

When she arrived

My senses heightened.

She was beautiful

Amazing, wonderful

And when she smiled

The mere smirk, made my heart wild

Hopefully I can meet her expectations.

I a mere college student, with difficult situations.

I may see her soon, hopefully so

But one thing I do know

“You still owe me a tour”

So until then I will endure.

mon premier