never free.

nikoli vasyliev wells. twenty eight. son.brother. lover. SURVIVOR.

[nikoliwells-blog]

lazy days | hunter & nik • flashback

[hunterbenn-blog]

     “That’s the cheesiest thing you’ve ever said,” Hunter laughed. There was an element of truth there, Hunter couldn’t ask for anything from Nik because he had everything he needed. In fact, he was in the rare position where he had everything he wanted too, not many people were lucky enough to have that in this day and age. They had a really good life, their own home and jobs and, most of all, each other. It almost felt like they had the kind of normal life people used to have before, the kind of life Hunter’s grandparents used to tell him about. That was all he’d ever wanted and he had it, he wasn’t going to let it go for anything.

     “You’re awful,” Hunter muttered playfully, although he couldn’t stop the blush from rising on his face, “but I can get behind it.” Hunter was completely incapable of not watching Nik as he got changed, about as close to drooling over him as one could be. It worked though, Hunter had managed to drag himself out of bed and join Nik in the kitchen, despite still being sleepy as anything. Hunter took forever to wake up, he remembered having much more energy when he was younger but now he had the option to be as relaxed as he wanted. When he lived with his grandparents, he lived on a farm and had to be up early to help with chores. When he lived with his kidnappers, he never slept because he was terrified. Happiness had truly made him lazy.

     Hunter was only vaguely aware of Nik at this point, raising his eyebrows as the other crossed the room to him but humming contently when he Nik’s arms around him again. “Thanks. You’re not so bad either,” he mumbled, quickly kissing Nik again before patting him on the chest and nodding at the door. “Shall we?” 

[nikoliwells-blog]

               “Probably, but you love it.” Nik loved everything about Hunter. It was weird. He never expected to fall in love. Especially not after the death of his brother. But now he had everything he could ever want. Safety in a world where that was never a guarantee. Enough supplies to not have to worry about where a meal was coming from. And he had the love of his life to share everything with. It was the most amazing feeling in the entire world and Nik didn’t ever want to do anything that would jeopardize their place in the camp. Everything was perfect. He loved his life.

               “I know,” he laughed. Nik couldn’t help that he loved Hunter. Hunter was his one weakness, but Nik didn’t mind. He loved Hunter more than anything in the world. Of course there wasn’t much that he could do to prove it. Nik knew exactly what he was doing and saying to get Hunter out of bed. Honestly, Nik was just ready to do something other than stay in bed, even if staying in bed included having sex. Nik found his way to the kitchen and waited for Hunter to show up, smirking when Hunter eventually did show up.

                Nik couldn’t help but feel turned on by Hunter. It wasn’t difficult actually. He’d always thought that Hunter was one of the most attractive people he’d ever seen. He pressed himself against Hunter’s body and smiled. “Wow, thanks,” Nik laughed with a grin on his face. Suddenly he hated that he had ever wanted to get out of bed, but it was too late to suggest that now. Nik didn’t want to let go of Hunter, but he reluctantly let go of Hunter. He muttered unhappily and walked towards the door.

               “Alright. Let’s go.” Nik slipped his hand into Hunter’s, keeping the smile on his face. “Where are we going?” he asked, looking outside trying to figure out where they could go and what might be fun. “We could head towards the woods, or the lake. The lake might be fun, but there was bound to be a lot of people there since it was Sunday. Honestly, Nik was content with just walking around with Hunter for the entire day. He had no plans until the party and he just wanted to spend some quality time with Hunter. “I can’t believe that we’ve only known each other for five years. It feels like forever.” 

[nikoliwells-blog]

lazy days | hunter & nik • flashback

[hunterbenn-blog]

     Hunter was just starting to get comfortable again, his eyes fluttering closed as sleep began to seep back into his mind, when Nik just had to open his mouth. Hunter cracked one eye open to look at Nik, his expressions gradually becoming less and less impressed with every uttered word. They teased each other mercilessly, it definitely kept things interesting between them. Hunter raised an eyebrow at Nik as he spoke, knowing (or at least hoping he knew) that Nik didn’t mean a word of it.

     “Oh is she?” Hunter finally scoffed, playfully scuffing up Nik’s hair in retaliation. “Well, then I guess you won’t mind living in her house. Hope she’s a better cook than me too. I’ll finally get the whole bed to myself, maybe I’ll get a dog,” Hunter teased back, grinning widely at Nik and letting him kiss him. Ok, admittedly Hunter was kind of weak for Nik and he wasn’t going to get grumpy with him when he used kisses against him. In essence it was unfair, Nik using his greatest weakness against him. “Yeah, yeah, love you too,” Hunter muttered, fake scowling at Nik.

     Hunter groaned with the realisation of what he’d forgetting and promptly smacked himself on the forehead. “I totally forgot,” Hunter said. He never made an effort to remember their birthdays, for the longest time it’d been just another day of the year and dates were so difficult to keep track of. “No, no, I always take Sundays off anyway so it’s no biggie,” Hunter assured Nik, “I didn’t get you anything. I’m sorry.” It wasn’t as if Hunter had much he could give to Nik but it was the thought that counted and…Hunter had not thought. 

     When Nik moved to get up, Hunter whined hopelessly and scowled at Nik from the bed. He’d been so relaxed, they could’ve gone back to sleep or…done other stuff. “I’m not lazy, I just like being in bed with you,” Hunter grumbled. He could get up and go walking with Nik and there were many pros to that; he’d get to spend some time with the only important person in his life and some fresh air wouldn’t hurt either of them. On the other hand: sleep. “Ok,” Hunter sighed, pushing himself up on his elbows, “I’m getting up. I’m doing it.” It took Hunter a solid 5 minutes to get out of bed and another 5 to actually get his brain together enough to put some proper clothes on. He still looked half asleep by the time he was ready but at least Nik had managed to get him out of bed. “Okay, let’s blow this joint,” Hunter said, still rubbing at his eyes sleepily.

[nikoliwells-blog]

               Nik would have done anything to get Hunter out of bed at this point. He could do boredom on normal occasions, but today was hardly a normal day. Teasing Hunter was something that Nik loved to do. Their relationship was in a good place if the two of them could tease each other as much as they did. Honestly, Nikoli was the happiest he’d ever been in his entire life. He knew that Hunter wanted to stay in bed and keep sleeping. However, Nik was too excited to let Hunter stay in bed all day. He knew exactly what to say to continue to tease Hunter. It was all he could do to keep a straight face as he talked to the man he was laying on top of.

               “Course. I wouldn’t lie to you,” Nik laughed. He couldn’t even keep a straight face for a minute. Nik would never cheat on Hunter; he was too in love to screw up this relationship. He scrunched his nose up as Hunter ruffled his hair. “Well, I hope that the dog kisses better than me.” Nik let out another laugh. This was everything he loved and so much more. He was the happiest person in the entire world. He’d lost enough people in his life, but losing Hunter would probably kill him. “I know,” he said with a smile on his face.

               “I don’t need a present. You’re presence in my life is good enough,” Nik promised. He didn’t care if Hunter always forgot his birthday. Their birthdays were so close and honestly Nik didn’t know that it was either of their birthdays since exact times and dates were lost. “Hey, if you really want to get me a present, I can think of a few things you can get me that you wouldn’t even have to wrap,” Nik grinned. “And none of them involve clothing,” he winked at Hunter. He kept the smile on his face as he got out of bed. “Later, okay?”

               Nik watched Hunter from the bed and couldn’t help but smile at his boyfriend. “Well, I’m no longer in bed, so therefore you are lazy now.” Nik was baiting Hunter to get out of bed. Yes, he could have spent longer cuddling in bed with Hunter, but he didn’t want to. Nik wanted to go on a walk, get some fresh air, and hold hands with the love of his life. Nik made a big ordeal of changing in front of Hunter, baiting him to get out of bed, even though he’d already made that decision on his own. Nik went to sit at the kitchen table to wait for Hunter. And finally after what seemed like forever, which was really just ten minutes, Hunter finally showed up. “Fuck me right now,” Nik muttered, under his breath too quietly for Hunter to hear – or at least he hoped so. Hunter was really attractive right now in his sleepy state and Nik was turned on. “Wait first,” Nik put his arms around Hunter, a grin on his face. He pressed a short kiss to Hunter’s lips. “You’re fucking attractive. God I love you.”

[nikoliwells-blog]

lazy days | hunter & nik • flashback

[hunterbenn-blog]

     Nik’s inability to be lazy was infuriating. Hunter could quite happily be lazy, if he could have it his way then he’d spend all day just lying in bed and be just as happy for it. It would always be better if Nik was there but that wasn’t a likely scenario, considering there’s no way he’d agree to stay in bed all day. Well, almost no way.

     Hunter grumbled audibly at Nik’s protest, convinced that if he just stayed still then Nik would let him sleep. There was any number of things they could do, they could get away from the camp for the day and go hiking which Hunter would love. Once he got out of bed, he’d have more than enough energy for the both of them. “Maybe I want to stay in bed all day,” Hunter said smugly, “nobody’s stopping you from going outside, Wells,” he teased. Hunter hummed happily and ended up wrapping both arms around Nik’s neck when the other essentially just climbed on top of him. This was everything Hunter liked, just him and Nik and not a care in the world.

     “I feel like…I’ve forgotten something,” Hunter mumbled, combing his fingers gently through Nik’s hair. “Was something happening today? Oh god, did I agree to another shift tonight and forget about it?” There was something, Hunter could feel it. It was at the back of his mind and if he could just put his finger on it….

[nikoliwells-blog]

               It wasn’t that couldn’t be lazy, he was just excited for the day. Rarely were there days where both he and Hunter had the day off and Nik wanted to savor the time the two of them had together. He wanted to spend the day at Hunter’s side, even if that was cuddling in bed all day. Except, Nik had more energy than normal, given that he had worked so hard during the week to help plan the party. Normally, Nik was a pretty calm person, not the energetic one of the pair of them, but today was different and he knew that the excitement of the possibilities of the day were making Nik way more energetic than he was used to.

               Nik scoffed at Hunter’s protest to getting out of bed. They were both stubborn, but Nik hoped he’d eventually win this argument. He figured maybe they could get away from camp for a bit. He’d felt trapped here lately and was beginning to feel the want to explore and get away for a bit. That was the problem with Nik being exposed to the real world: camp was nice, but it was difficult to stay in one place for long. Nik found a comfortable position on top of Hunter and rested his head on Hunter’s chest, listening to Hunter’s heart beating slowly. A reminder that here was safe and Nik didn’t have to worry about dying at any given second of the day.

               “Have fun being alone,” Nik said, smirking as he lifted his head to look at Hunter. He pretended to glare at Hunter’s use of his surname. But that had never been insulting to him. “I’m going to go have an affair with the neighbor. She’s really nice, you know. Good kisser. Better than you in bed too,” Nik laughed. He pressed a kiss to Hunter’s lips. Short and sweet. He really didn’t deserve this. “I love you,” he sighed.

               “Uhhhhh. Well, the neighbors are having a party for us. Since it’s probably close to both of our birthdays. I hope you didn’t agree to another shift. I’d be mad at you if you did.” Nik felt like falling back asleep when Hunter started combing his fingers through Nik’s hair, but he was determined to stay awake. He popped back up, pulling away from Hunter. Nik rolled off on the other side of Hunter and got out of bed. “I’m going to go take a walk. Outside of camp. You’re welcome to join me if you want, but that requires you to get your lazy ass out of bed.” Nik smirked at Hunter.

[nikoliwells-blog]

lazy days | hunter & nik • flashback

[hunterbenn-blog]

     Sundays were an absolute blessing for Hunter. He worked hard during the week, keeping himself as busy as possible and usually exhausting himself. He’d tried to calm down since he’d been with Nik, paying full attention to him in every second of free time he had and subsequently their relationship couldn’t be better. Hunter had never been happy like this before, not since his childhood when things had still been relatively normal. Hunter had never even considered the possibility of having a relationship, in this kind of world it wasn’t something that a lot of people lived long enough to experience.

     Hunter had been dead to the world as soon as he got into bed, barely mumbling a ‘hello’ to Nik before he essentially passed out. He always slept deeply, it was almost impossible to wake Hunter and if you did it too soon then he’d hold a grudge. Sundays meant no work, Sundays meant sleeping in and doing whatever he wanted for a whole day. It hadn’t even occurred to Hunter that it was his and Nik’s birthdays, it wasn’t something he ever kept track of and he’d forgotten more than once.

     The stirring next to him woke Hunter, he groaned softly and turned his face into the pillow, determined to let sleep find him again. He was aware of the sunlight in the room and he hated that because it couldn’t possibly be morning yet and Hunter wanted to stay asleep. However, he couldn’t hide the smile that crossed his face when he heard Nik’s voice and cracked an eye open to look at him. “Don’t tell me it’s morning,” Hunter mumbled, “it’s too early. I just fell asleep.” It was a lie, obviously. Hunter mumbled to himself again and reached up to hook his arm around Nik’s neck, pulling him against him as he closed his eyes again and muttered a ‘goodnight’.

[nikoliwells-blog]

               Honestly there wasn’t a day that went by that Nik didn’t love his life. He never expected to be happy. Not without his parents and especially not without Sasha. But Nik thought he’d never survive without Hunter in his life. They were literally only apart when they had work. Nik mostly did odd jobs around the camp. Sometimes he cooked, sometimes he found food, but his favorite job of all the jobs he had was babysitting. He was happy, nothing could ever make him want to screw this up. It was strange to think that he’d found Hunter in the world like this. He loved everything about Hunter and wanted to spend every second of the rest of his life with Hunter.

               One of Nik’s favorite things about Hunter was just how much dead weight Hunter was when he slept. Nik was a light sleeper, probably from his many years on the run. Sleepless nights when he and Sasha had to steal away in the middle of the night with stolen supplies. But Hunter was the opposite. Nik hadn’t been tired when Hunter got home, but he not-so-reluctantly cuddled up in bed beside Hunter, happy to curl up and fall into a light sleep. Nik wondered if Hunter even knew it was anywhere near their birthdays or if he cared at all. Nik was actually pretty sure that Hunter was just happy it was Sunday because it meant having a break.

               Nik didn’t like lying in bed doing nothing, so he wasn’t going to lie and say that his stirring didn’t have an ulterior motive. Of course he liked sleepy Sunday mornings with Hunter and he didn’t really want to move from bed, but he was excited for the possibilities of today. He had planned the party that evening, but he hadn’t planned their day. Nik chuckled at Hunter finding everything about his boyfriend absolutely adorable. “No you didn’t, you slept all night. I would know since I did fall asleep after you did. It’s like 10 o’clock.” Nik smiled when Hunter hooked his arm around Nik’s neck. “Now that’s just cruel. You’re really going to fall asleep on me?

               “Come on, Hunter. Wake up,” Nik shook Hunter. “Hey. If you don’t go back to sleep, I’ll let you decide what we do today. I mean, as long as you don’t suggest lying in bed all day. Unless you want to have sex all day, because I’d be down for that. Hunterrrrrr,” Nik said with a laugh. “Okay, but seriously. I’m bored and I love you,” Nik breathed into Hunter’s shoulder. He kissed his boyfriend’s neck, shifting to move on top of Hunter. 

[nikoliwells-blog]

lazy days | hunter & nik • flashback

     One of the good things about camp was Sundays. It was the only day of the week where the only people who had to do anything were the guards, and they rotated people out so that they only had to work every third Sunday. There was a church service in the morning for those who still believed in a God of any sort -- Nik didn’t. And usually after lunch, a few towns people had a small market set up in the streets so that they could trade random goods or services. But the best thing about Sundays were the gatherings people had. There was always someone having a party, even if there was not anything to celebrate. Currently, it was winter, so much of the food was scarce, but there was still a party at their neighbor’s house this evening and there was an actual reason to celebrate. 

     Although time was one of those lost things in their world, they could estimate what time of year it was. Despite being in the south, there was a thin layer of snow on the ground and it was cold, meaning it was probably late December. With late December came Nik’s birthday and Hunter’s. Nik had known that Hunter didn’t have work this Sunday, so he’d made plans with his neighbor to have a small party in celebration for both of their birthdays. Honestly, it felt like the five years they’d known each other had gone by in a blink of an eye. Nik had no idea how he’d ever survived without Hunter and he didn’t know what he’d do without Hunter. The party was just a few of their friends, some of the people that Nik had been with before coming to this camp and the few friends they had here; they were the few people that Nik trusted besides Hunter. 

     Sunlight streamed through the blinds, but Nik had been awake for hours. Any bit of snow on the ground from the night before would probably melt soon. There was probably still a chill in the air, but Nik had spent his childhood in the northern states and it didn’t bother him too much. He tried to stay as still as possible, not wanting to disturb his sleeping boyfriend, but the sunlight would probably wake him up anyway, so Nik shifted to look at Hunter. He couldn’t help but wear a smile. He was so lucky. “Morning my love,” he said, kissing Hunter on the cheek. Nik could lay in bed like this for hours, but he also wanted to spend the day with Hunter as well. Seriously, what had he done to deserve this? 

[nikoliwells-blog]

don’t wear anger well

               who: nikoli                what: a walk in the woods                when: 5 AM                where: alabama

      Nik was still angry. He tried to keep his emotions in check around Hunter, but he knew that Hunter could tell he was still angry about what Nik had learned about his exile. He wasn’t angry at Hunter because none of it had been his fault, but he was angry at himself and that asshole Jack for what he’d done to Hunter. Nik didn’t feel like his anger was misplaced either because he would have done anything to protect Hunter no matter what became of him. He was half tempted to go back to that camp and kill Jack if he wasn’t already dead. But Hunter made it clear that was basically asking for a death wish. They would remember what he looked like and Nik knew better than to attempt something suicidal because he was angry. Besides, did any of that really matter if Hunter was okay with being intimate with him? Did it really matter? Nik knew it did. If it hadn’t tortured Hunter as much as it had, then Nik would have never heard about it. Hunter would have kept it locked up until he died. But he knew that Hunter, despite not being able to say it, loved him. 

      Sleep had evaded him since the night of the clicker attack. Like most everyone else, Nik stared at the ceiling waiting for maybe a few hours of sleep to occur, but they rarely did for him. By the time the sun started to rise, Nik was bored of attempting to sleep when he knew it would never happen. So he got up and wrote a small note for Hunter: gone for a walk in the woods, be back by noon. XO Nik. He set the small note by Hunter’s hand and grabbed his bow and quiver before heading off in the direction of the forest. Despite the clicker attack, ever since he and Hunter had slept together in the woods, it had gone back to being neutral grounds. Nik knew they were still dangerous, but he remembered Hunter’s lips on his and that made everything easier. Everything was eerie this time of day and Nik entered the forest, in hopes of finding something to play target practice with.

    Nik had been a bit more comfortable leaving Hunter by himself since the day his dad had showed up. Maybe it was because he knew that Hunter would be able to take care of himself, or because he realized that he couldn’t always be around to keep Hunter from getting into danger. Nik was trying not to think as he walked through the forest, but after a minute he pulled out his flask and took a few sips of it’s contents. The alcohol burned his throat on the way down, and it didn’t take very long of Nik walking and drinking for him to get drunk. Nik collapsed by a tree and sobbed. He wasn’t taking the anger well. He didn’t like being angry. Nik imagined that’s what his birth father felt all the time and Nik didn’t know how he even felt about that. He was mad at his birth father, he was mad at his dad, he was mad at Jack and himself for being mad. Though he was also drunk, and that didn’t make for a good combination.

    He’d wanted to go back to camp and kill Jack, but he couldn’t do that. So Nik did the next best thing, grabbing an arrow, he notched it into the bow. Finding a perfect tree, he imagined it was Jack’s face. Nik pulled the bow’s string and let an arrow fly though the air, but it missed the target. Nik grabbed another on, fueled with anger. The second missed, and the third. By the fourth arrow, Nik had given up. He raged towards the tree, an punched at it. The sound of bones cracking filled the air as Nik’s fist hit the tree. He felt pain shoot up through his hand and arm, but reeled back to punch the tree again. Again, he hit the tree and there was another horrid sound of bones cracking. Pain shot up his arm once more. Nik leaned against the tree, sobbing. He collapsed against the tree and curled his arms around his legs. His hand was bleeding, but he didn’t care. Nik let himself cry.

    After an hour, Nik had sobered up a bit. He cleaned himself up as best as he could and headed back towards camp. He knew he wouldn’t be able to use his bow for some time, but the second he arrived at camp, he found someone to help clean his hand up. There were several splinters in his hand that he hadn’t even noticed because of how shattered the bones were in his hand. The medical people did their best to patch him up, insisting that he take a pain killer. It was far later than the noon Nik had written in his note to Hunter, so Nik figured that he ought to find Hunter before Hunter became too worried about Nik’s whereabouts. There was no way to hide his hand from Hunter, so he thought of the best way to play it cool that he was fine -- because he was -- and that it would heal -- even though he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to properly use a bow again.

[hunterbenn-blog]

wisdom cries • hunter + nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

“I…I never asked you to leave,” Hunter pointed out, frowning across the table at Nik. He hadn’t really wanted Nik to leave at all, but he thought if that would make Nik was more comfortable then who was Hunter to stop him? “If you wanted to come back then you could’ve. It’s not just my room. I thought you went because you wanted to.” Hunter wasn’t going to argue about this. He never told Nik to leave, he didn’t start this and he wasn’t going to feel guilty about this part of the situation.

Hunter knew he was making a mistake just by continuing to sit there. He wanted to forgive Nik so badly and he hated himself for it; Hunter had always promised himself that he’d never date anyone that he felt like screwed him over but had Nik done that? They weren’t together, he really had no right to be upset about his but he was and he couldn’t change that. In Hunter’s opinion, if you tell one guy you like them and want to date them then sleep with somebody else less than 24 hours later, it kind of makes you a jerk. At the same time, Hunter had been in plenty of situations where he’d been drunk, he’d been with a friend and just wanted to get off - it happened, people got over it.

That said, Hunter couldn’t deny that Nik’s admission had him crawling with jealous. A one night stand? He could deal with that. But Nik said he was friends with this person, they’d known each other since they were kids and Nik hadn’t deny liking him, he just didn’t like him as much as he liked Hunter. Thinking about it, Hunter kind of felt bed for the other guy, who’d essentially been used as Nik’s distraction because he couldn’t have Hunter. Hunter didn’t know how to feel about that either.

“You know what really sucks?” Hunter asked, glancing across the table at Nik, “I want to forgive you.” Hunter suddenly wished he’d had more time to think about this, think about what kind of boyfriend Nik would be. If he went and slept with someone after Hunter reacted badly to a kiss then what would he do if they got into a real argument? Hunter liked dating people, he loved getting to know them and discovering his feelings for them but there was always that fear that they’d hurt them. He was too young, he couldn’t let himself get so hurt just because he liked someone. 

“I…” Hunter sighed and sat up in his seat, resting his hands on the stable. He was uncomfortable, he felt like he’d been put on the spot again and he didn’t know how to progress. Well, he did, he knew that he wanted to forgive Nik, tell him that he really, really wanted to go out with him and forget this whole nasty business but he could hear his grandparents and his sister at the back of his mind, telling him to not be such an idiot. “I can get past…all of that,” Hunter said slowly,” but I need a couple of things from you. One: I need you to apologise to that guy you told me about for using him for sex to forget about me because that’s a really horrible thing to do to someone.” Hunter would know, he’s been that guy. “Secondly I need you to promise that you won’t do anything like that again. if we…if we ever got into an argument then I don’t want to be plagued by the fear that you’ll just go and spend the night with someone else.”

Hunter was very willing to try. He’d turned up prepared to tell Nik that he wanted to try dating and he wanted to stick by it, he didn’t want to be the reason that Nik had to move out. More than anything, Nik had been his friend for the last few weeks and Hunter didn’t want to lose that relationship they’d built up. He wanted to progress it, see where things could go if they worked on it but it was going to be a process.

[nikoliwells-blog]

He wanted to be annoyed at Hunter for saying that he hadn’t asked Nik to leave. He was perfectly aware that he’d left because he wanted to. He left because he thought it would be easier for Hunter. But Hunter kept saying that he’d missed Nik and Nik honestly thought if Hunter missed him that much, well he could have texted Nik. He had gone because he wanted to and he would probably do that again if a situation arose where Nik felt like leaving would be the best decision for the two of them. He took a deep breath, trying not to say something dramatic and rude, even though everything that he was thinking was dramatic and rude. Nik had half a mind to get up and leave, but he couldn’t when he left himself so exposed. This feeling was never going to go away; he was sure of that. “Yeah, because I want to sleep in the room with the guy about to reject me.” Welp, there went his self-control to not say something dramatic… and rude. Sarcasm wasn’t welcome in this situation, but Nik couldn’t take the statement back.

One of the things that Nik hated most was saying how he felt. Sasha always seemed to know what Nik felt with the exception of a few of the things he felt. But it was difficult to leave himself exposed to Hunter like he was doing. Explaining how he felt and what he wanted that was too difficult. He tried as best as he could to take breaks so that he didn’t feel like a complete idiot. He wanted Hunter so badly and he hated that he felt like he had to fight for this as much as he was. Perhaps it might be best to give up. Was it really worth all this? Nik could admit to his mistakes. He could admit that sleeping with his friend was something terrible to do to Hunter. But he was starting to wonder if Hunter was even worth all of this. Sure he was attractive and nice, but there were a lot of people like this. Nik had avoided looking at Hunter as he spoke, knowing he wouldn’t have been able to keep his emotions in check. He felt like maybe it would be easier to just forget any of this had ever happened and walk away before Hunter hurt him.

Besides, Nik had Jeremiah. Nik had sort of had a crush on him when he was fifteen. They didn’t see each other often, but Nik remembered the two of them texting all the time. Jeremiah and Sarah had lived in a different part of the country and the only reason Nik saw them was when Sarah was competing in competitions around his area. He’d almost forgotten about having that crush because every time he’d been around Jeremiah, his friend had been with someone else and then he started dating Ludo – sort of. But the past few days, Nik remembered what he’d always found so attractive about Jeremiah: he was selfless. Nik had admitted that he liked someone else and all his friend had done was be there to support him. Jeremiah had let himself be a rebound because that was what he knew Nik needed. He was sure that Jeremiah had other people he could have been with during that week, but he stayed with Nik making sure that Nik was okay and even went out of his way. Nik admitted that he wasn’t going to get over Hunter anytime soon. He would have been so much easier for Nik to date and it would make for an easier break than one with Hunter. Yet the second Hunter texted Nik came running – almost literally.

“Forgive me for what? I didn’t do anything wrong.” The second Nik said that he knew it was a mistake. Sure he and Hunter hadn’t been a couple when Nik slept with someone else, but still it wasn’t something he should have done. But before he could stop himself he was talking again. “Okay, so I slept with someone else right after you rejected my initial proposal, but we aren’t a couple. Just because you spent all week, for once, being a prude, doesn’t mean I had to do the same. If you wanted me to not get with other people, then you shouldn’t have made it seem like you were going to reject me. And ou shouldn’t have taken a fucking week to make a decision. I’ll be damned if I let you make me feel like I’m wrong for doing what I did just because I liked you and kissed you and want to be in a relationship with you.” Nik knew he was saying all the wrong things, but he couldn’t help the word vomit coming out of his mouth. He couldn’t help but be like this. He had avoided eye contact with Hunter the entire time he was talking, but he glanced at Hunter and instantly felt bad for saying what he’d said.

“Shit, Hunter. I didn’t mean any of that. I’m sorry.” Apologies weren’t going to help him now, he was sure of that. Nik knew that keeping the walls up around himself was how he hadn’t gotten hurt so far in life. And he was the one person he wanted them to fall for and he’d let his defenses up the second it got tough. He knew he’d screwed everything up and the chances that Hunter was going to say yes now were slim to none. But it was all Nik’s fault and he had no one to blame but himself. He wasn’t a jerk. He wasn’t like this. He was quiet and awkward and he didn’t like to make friends. He didn’t purposely hurt someone because he was feeling hurt himself. Nik was normally a very laid back person, but for some reason it felt easier to put up walls around Hunter. He didn’t want to be hurt by Hunter because he… he realized he was falling head over heels for his roommate. Nik hated himself more than he’d ever hated himself before. Please let me die, he thought. “I’m so sorry. I…” there was nothing he could think to say that would make anything about this situation better.

Hunter’s words made Nik’s heart feel heavy. He had fucked up everything by opening his mouth. There was no way that Hunter was going to say yes now. All Nik should have done was show up and keep his mouth closed and he’d only done one of those things. “I… I…” but Nik still couldn’t think of what to say. He wanted everything to go back to normal between them. He should have never kissed Hunter to begin with. Everything had gone to shit since that kiss and Nik knew it was all his fault. “I didn’t mean that. I really didn’t. I shouldn’t have said any of that and I’m not going to try and make excuses for why I said that. I’m sorry. You’re a better person than I am and you don’t deserve someone as shitty as I am. I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. I shouldn’t have…” I shouldn’t have been born. I shouldn’t have come here. I should just die. All statements went through his mind, but Nik knew better than to say any of them. “I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut. I… I’ll go pack my bags.” Nik wanted to be home. He missed Sasha and his dad. He missed his father and the soccer field. If Nik went home he would miss Hunter too, probably a lot more than he should have, but he’d fucked things up beyond repair at this point.

“I don’t expect you to forgive me for what I just said,” Nik said, standing up, “but I’m going to the room to pack my stuff up. If you… if you still want me, it’ll probably take me a while to get a moving truck rented and my stuff all ready to go, but that’s where I’ll be. If you can forgive me for everything – for kissing you like that, for using another person as a distraction, for being a relatively shitty person today, and for what I just said – then… then I’ll be in the room, but I’ll only wait for so long before I leave.

“I would do anything for you, for the record. You broke down walls I didn’t even know I had. I screw everything up,” Nik let his eyes fall on Hunter. He wasn’t going to cry, that would come later. But looking at Hunter he knew he’d never feel this way for someone else. Nik took a deep breath, wishing he’d taken his medication before all this, and turned away from Hunter. But he didn’t move. He stood like that hoping that even after everything he’d say, Hunter would forgive him and that he’d stop Nik from walking away. 

[hunterbenn-blog]

wisdom cries • hunter + nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

For a moment, Hunter closed his eyes and inhaled slowly through his nose, counting to 10 in his head so he wouldn’t get annoyed. He didn’t get Nik sometimes, some of the things he said were so bizarre and it got exhausting for Hunter. It was nice that he was an honest person, that he’d never lie straight to your face but Hunter found himself so often unable to think of how to respond to him. He’d turned up to talk and he couldn’t think of a thing to say to Nik that wouldn’t come across as angry.

“You know what I mean,” Hunter said flatly, not taking kindly to Nik’s sarcasm and wishing he’d just appreciated what Hunter said. “It was different without you there. That’s all I meant.” This wasn’t going well, Hunter was only getting more annoyed with Nik every second and he hated it. He liked him so much, he’d liked him when he first met him but now Hunter felt like he spent so much time being annoyed with Nik that he wondered what he was doing there. Was he really so desperate to be liked? 

“You didn’t have to go and stay with anyone, you know,” Hunter pointed out, “you could’ve stayed.” Hunter honestly wouldn’t have minded if Nik had and he’d felt kind of bad that Nik felt like he’d had to go and stay with friends. They both shared the room, Nik was just as entitled to sleep in it as Nik was. Hunter tried to tell himself that the space and time apart would’ve done them good but it really hadn’t, especially when Nik had turned up bringing an attitude that Hunter didn’t appreciate. Hunter had come here prepared to tell Nik that he was wanted to try dating but was Nik here for the complete opposite reason? Had he changed his mind during that week?

Hunter felt his stomach drop as Nik went off into his apologetic rant. He was angry and he knew it showed; he’d tensed all over and grit his teeth so his jaw was locked tightly. Hunter didn’t even remember defensively crossing his arms like he had. Hunter, who could barely get through a week without hooking up with at least one person, had refrained from doing anything with anyone whilst he thought about where he wanted to take things with Nik. At the same time, Nik had gotten drunk and slept with somebody else and was now telling Hunter that he didn’t regret it.

He let silence fall between them, staring at the table as he contemplated his next move. He should leave, he knew he should because he was upset and they weren’t going to get anywhere like this. Hunter felt so much, he felt jealous and guilty but why was he guilty? He hadn’t told Nik to kiss him, he hadn’t told him to go and stay with a friend, he hadn’t told him to get drunk and fuck somebody else. It wasn’t his fault.

“I have no idea what to say,” Hunter finally said, looking over at Nik almost blankly. “You know…my answer was going to be yes,” Hunter admitted, “I like you, Nik. I’ve liked you since we met but you make things really fucking difficult. I…” He paused and sighed again, chewing on his lower lip. “I still want to say yes but…it’s not going to happen if you’re going to confront every situation like this. It’s exhausting, Nik, I won’t do it.”

[nikoliwells-blog]

Maybe rejection wouldn’t be so bad. At least that’s what he tried to tell himself. Maybe it wouldn’t be awkward between them too. Not that Nik couldn’t make a normal situation awkward anyway, but maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He’d just have to get over the feeling he had when he looked at Hunter. He’d have to stop thinking about kissing him. He’d have to stop wanting Hunter. Nik was going to have to think about not liking Hunter every second until he moved out. Honestly, it was going to be too difficult for Nik. It was probably easier just to move out. He should have never come to school. He should have moved out of his parent’s house and found an apartment. Nik could have afforded it. He should have just trained for the Olympics like he wanted, not gone to college. Nik shouldn’t have given into his parent’s demands so easily. This situation was too much for him. He hated liking Hunter, he really did. Everything had gone wrong since that kiss. He couldn’t admit that he’d missed Hunter so much.

“I know what you meant. I was joking. Trying to lighten the situation. Obviously, I failed at that.” Nik sighed and looked down at the table. Was it supposed to be this painful? Nik wasn’t that good with his feelings. He’d never been that good with emotions. That had always been Sasha’s department. If Nik liked someone, he normally just kept it to himself. Most of the people he’d had crushes on either would have never dated him because they didn’t swing his direction or were too far out of his league in the first place. He rarely noticed people flirting with him, but he noticed Hunter. He’d noticed Hunter the first time they’d met. And it sucked that he couldn’t even figure out how he should have acted. It was really annoying. But Hunter had been around him long enough that Nik didn’t know what to do in situations most of the time. He had missed Hunter so much this past week and the only time he hadn’t thought about his roommate was when he was with Jeremiah. Even the time he talked to Sasha over the phone, he’d missed Hunter.

He could have stayed in the room after the first night, but he didn’t feel right doing so. Nik liked space when he was trying to make a decision and he thought maybe Hunter would appreciate the space as well. Besides, Hunter could have texted him saying that he was welcome in the room if he’d really missed Nik that much. “No, it was okay. I didn’t mind staying with Sarah and Jeremiah. They’re good friends” Nik was glad he could have an apartment next year because honestly the dorm was so small it was obnoxious. Not that he minded being so close to Hunter. That he really didn’t mind. It was just not having room for the stuff that he’d left at home. He wished he and Sasha could have an apartment as a freshman, but that wasn’t possible. That was one of the only reasons he wasn’t in an apartment himself. He knew he was just as entitled to the room as Hunter was, but it was easier to not be there when Hunter was trying to make an important decision. “It’s okay, really. I know I like to be alone when I’m trying to make an important decision. If you really missed me that much, you could have texted me.” I would have come back, he wanted to say. He’d wanted to go back the second he left.

Nik had never been the type to get drunk and hook up with someone. In fact, until he’d slept with Jeremiah, he’d never slept with anyone. It wasn’t in his steps to falling in love. His formula for romance. He’d always been a firm believer that sex meant you cared about someone and that you wanted to be with them. It wasn’t just something a person did to pass the time. Not for Nik. And that’s the exact reason he couldn’t regret what he’d done. Sure, it was a mistake. Sure, he’d wished it was someone else. He didn’t like Jeremiah as much as he liked Hunter. But he didn’t know how to tell Hunter that. Nik wasn’t good with words. He’d never been a master at expressing how he felt out loud. He wanted to avoid looking at Hunter, but he couldn’t. Though Nik instantly regretted looking at Hunter because his roommate was angry. Nik wanted to say that Hunter had no right to be angry. They weren’t a couple. They weren’t anything. Yes, it had been a shitty thing to do, but Hunter shouldn’t have been angry. How could he even explain any of this to Hunter? Nik wished the world would swallow him up. He wished he could just disappear. It was too painful to continue living anymore.

He waited for Hunter to get up and leave. He expected it. At this point, Nik knew he’d done everything wrong. He could hear his heart beating so quickly in his chest and he knew he’d never stop feeling this way about Hunter. That made everything worse. Nik didn’t know if he should wait for Hunter to talk, or just leave himself. He closed his eyes, not able to meet Hunter’s gaze as much as he wished he could. Nik knew this was all his fault. He just didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He’d never been in a situation like this before and he was not sure he ever wanted to be in a situation like this ever again. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Hunter talked. It was the worst situation that Nik had ever been in. He listened to Hunter’s first statement, wondering why Hunter was still here. But it wasn’t until Hunter said he wanted to say yes that Nik understood why he was still sitting there. Nik popped his eyes open to look at Hunter and made a small squeaking noise.

“I’m sor—“ he started to say, his voice small, but stopped himself from finishing the statement. He took a long, deep breath of air and looked at Hunter. “I’m sorry. I just… I thought…” He had no idea what he was trying to say. “Let me explain something, or try to. I’m not good with words sometimes. Not when my emotions are involved anyway. I, um, I’ve never slept with anyone before that night. We got drunk and I’ve known him since I was thirteen years old. I just… I’ve always needed sex to be something special. I’m not like you or Sasha when it comes to intimacy… because I’m inexperienced and I have problems with intimacy because of my childhood. I thought that we didn’t… that you didn’t… that you weren’t going to say yes. I thought I didn’t stand a chance, so I was trying to distract myself from… from the initial rejection. I had no idea what you were going to say. I’ve never left myself so exposed before. It was a completely shit thing to do to you, but I can’t regret it because if I do, then I… I don’t know. But just because I don’t feel regret that it happened, doesn’t mean that I don’t wish it didn’t happen. I used him. As much as I don’t want to admit that to myself. I used him as a distraction from the pain and how exposed I left myself.” There was a bad feeling in Nik’s gut that this wasn’t going to go well. Admitting all of this was really difficult for him. He let out a long sigh.

“I’m sorry, okay. I’m difficult and exhausting. That’s obvious, I think. I’m not trying to make it difficult. I want a relationship with you too, but only if you still want this. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how this is supposed to work. I’ve never… relationships aren’t my thing. I guess the first one  I was ever in doesn’t even count as a relationship, it was just a few dates. And… and my other one doesn’t count either because we had to keep that a secret from, well, everyone basically since I was seventeen and he was twenty three. I guess… what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to have to learn how this is supposed to work. I might be able to talk about certain things, like my classes and random sports stuff and video games and occasionally movies, but I don’t... I don’t know how to talk about anything complicated and I don’t know how to talk about my emotions. I word things wrong when I get nervous or I think that, um, I’ll get hurt. I don’t know how to not make things complicated. I’m sorry about that. But I want this. I like you so much. Every time you walk in the room, my heart does this little flippy thing in my chest. I hate it and love it at the same time, but I’m pretty sure it won’t go away anytime soon. Please, Hunter.”

[hunterbenn-blog]

wisdom cries • hunter + nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

Hunter saw Nik walk into the coffee shop and his stomach flipped. He pretended he was looking at his phone, looking through every app he had and texting his sister for good measure. He was so nervous, it was dawning on Hunter that he’d actually have to think of something to say, he’d had an entire week to think about this and he was drawing a blank. He shifted in his seat, drumming his fingers anxiously on the table until Nik sat down opposite him. 

The first words out of Nik’s mouth made Hunter frown. “Good to see you too,” Hunter muttered, refraining from snapping something at Nik like ‘don’t speak to me like that’. He didn’t know what Nik was annoyed about but Hunter wasn’t going to let it annoy him. He was here to talk, to get everything out in the open and see if Nik was still interested. Anything could’ve happened in the week they’d been apart, Hunter was worried that Nik had done some thinking of his own and maybe decided he didn’t want Hunter anymore. If that was the case, Hunter was about to make a huge fool of himself.

“Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I did a lot of thinking, you know?” Hunter said, returning to his usual calm self because he really wanted this conversation to go well. “I miss you. It’s quiet in that room without you.” Hunter wasn’t entirely sure what Nik wanted him to say, he knew he should stop beating around the bush and get to the point but he wanted to give Nik the opportunity to say anything before he opened his mouth. “I, uh…I haven’t so much as kissed another guy this week - I had plenty of opportunities too but I didn’t. I guess I thought you should know that,” Hunter said. He wasn’t sure where he was going with. “Have you been okay? Was your friend cool with you staying at their place?”

[nikoliwells-blog]

With both the tea and his scone in hand, Nik had something to focus on besides his roommate. He hated the way his heart felt when he looked at Hunter. Even after a week of not seeing his roommate, just looking at Hunter made Nik feel happy. He really hated the way he felt. Maybe he’d leave if Hunter rejected him. Not because he would be bitter about rejection, but because he knew he’d never be able to stay in a room with someone he cared a lot about in more than a friendship way. He’d always think about how much he’d want to make out with Hunter and he was sure his heart would always have this weird fluttery feeling around the man. Maybe those were good emotions to have, but not when Hunter didn’t like him like that. He didn’t want to smile in this situation. He should have said something else before he told Hunter to get on with it, but he was ready for heartbreak.

“I’m sorry,” he felt like he was saying that a lot lately. He hadn’t meant to be so harsh with Hunter, but he had no idea what he was supposed to act like. He had no idea how he was supposed to say. “Um… I can’t…” he couldn’t say that he was happy to see Hunter because only part of him was. His heart was beating faster than normal, but his brain was trying to keep him in check. “I can’t say that it’s good to see you too.” He couldn’t, as much as he wanted to. Nik was waiting for Hunter to say he was completely finished with Nik. It would hurt too much. It was going to hurt too much. So, no, he couldn’t be happy to see Hunter. As much as he really wanted to be happy. He sighed and sipped at his tea, looking anywhere but at Hunter.

“You don’t have to apologize to me,” he muttered at Hunter, refusing to look at Hunter. This was all too awkward and he hated the feeling in his gut saying that this wasn’t going to go well. Nik listened to Hunter speak and couldn’t decide how he felt about the words that were coming out of his roommate’s mouth. Had he been worrying for nothing? Did Nik know what to do? No. Did he know what he was going to do? Hell no. Did he know what he felt? Yes. Even after the week away from his roommate, he still had feelings for him. Nik raised an eyebrow at Hunter. “I didn’t realize that I was the loud one in the room,” Nik said sarcastically, knowing exactly what Hunter meant by the statement. He wondered if this was Hunter’s way of saying he liked Nik’s company. I guess he was sort of spelling that out to Nik, but Nik still didn’t believe that. He was barely comprehending anything that Hunter was saying.

“You haven’t kissed anyone? Shit. I –“ Nik started, but stopped talking. He felt horrible that he’d slept with someone else. He felt worse that it was the day that he’d asked Hunter out. Nik sighed and rubbed the sides of his head with his hands. He cared so much for Hunter and sleeping with someone, while he didn’t regret it, was still something he knew that he’d need to tell Hunter about. If his roommate was ever going to trust him. Nik had spent all week with someone else. Would Hunter care? They weren’t together. Nik hadn’t cheated. However, it was still a shitty thing to do. Especially to someone that was thinking about a relationship. “Um,” Nik looked at Hunter. “Yeah, Sarah was fine with it. I think she and her brother got annoyed at me eating all their food, but I had a lot of… nice talks.” Nik looked down at the scone and busied himself by eating a little bit of the scone.

“I have a confession to make. Uh, I got drunk and slept with someone. I didn’t mean to, it sort of just happened. And I don’t really regret it because I really did like the guy. He’s nice and apparently he liked me. But… at the end of the day he was just a distraction. He wasn’t you. Shit. I fucked up so badly Hunter. I’m sorry for kissing you. I’m sorry that I like you. I’m sorry that I care about you. I’m sorry I missed you so much this week that I had to use someone else as a distraction just so I’d stop thinking about you.” Nik wanted to stop talking, but he couldn’t. He kept talking and talking and talking. “Hunter... I don’t want your answer to be no, but I understand if it is.” 

[hunterbenn-blog]

wisdom cries • hunter + nik • college au

It had been a week. Hunter had been thinking hard about what to do, how he and Nik should solve this situation. It had been beyond awkward for Hunter, he was sort of glad that Nik had volunteered to go and stay with his friend because it gave them space and Hunter wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle making this kind of choice whilst Nik was around. That said, it was pretty lonely without Nik around and Hunter admittedly missed him quite a lot. He tried to fill his time with going out with friends, keeping with company so he didn’t have to be by himself.

To Hunter’s credit, he didn’t so much as kiss another person during that week. He couldn’t bring himself to, knowing it would only cloud his thoughts and make it more difficult to decide what to do about Nik. Hunter kept himself awake at night thinking about it, weighing up the pros and cons and trying to come to a decision. He’d spoken to his sister about it and she’d told him she was quite worried because he was actually asking for her opinion. The fact was that he didn’t know what he was doing, all of Hunter’s relationships were casual and he couldn’t see things being like that with Nik. He’d told himself from the beginning that a relationship at college was a bad idea but the more Hunter thought about it, the more he wondered how bad could it be?

So, Hunter made a choice. He texted Nik, telling him he was ready to talk and asking him to meet him at a coffee shop off campus. He thought about asking him to just come back to to their room but maybe it would be better to meet in public. Hunter was almost late, as always testing how late he could leave before he actually was late. He got a table closer to the back so they’d at least have some privacy and texted Nik to tell him so. All he could do was wait for him to (hopefully) turn up.

[nikoliwells-blog]

Nik was starting to realize that his welcome was long gone at Sarah’s apartment. Sure he spent most nights in Jeremiah’s room cuddling and making out, but he was beginning to grow tired of being there and not in his own bed. He thought it might take Hunter a couple of days to make his decision and when it took longer than that, Nik thought it was probably a bad sign. He hadn’t slept with Jeremiah again since that second morning, but there had been quite a bit of other distractions that Nik was honestly grateful for. He just missed his own room and his things. He had gone back to the room when he knew Hunter was in class to get a few items, but he left before Hunter could get back. He couldn’t face his roommate. Not when it would hurt too much, not when he’d slept with someone else. Nik tried not to feel guilty about that because he and Hunter weren’t anything and it wasn’t like he’d cheated on Hunter. And he was almost positive that Hunter was also sleeping around or making out with other people in the week that they’d been apart. At least that’s what Nik told himself to make himself stop feeling like an idiot who had made a stupid decision.

He’d avoided talking to Sasha all week too. He had several voicemails from his brother worried about his health and wondering why he hadn’t called back. Nik’s father even called him. That conversation was short and awkward. Nik assured his father he wasn’t avoiding his brother, he was busy with school and had a lot of tests that week. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the truth either. He just hoped he wouldn’t get caught in it. Nik was almost worried that Sasha would come down after a night of practice, so he’d made a phone call to his dad saying that he really didn’t need Sasha to visit him since he’d be horrible company while he was studying. He was honestly just worried that Sasha would find out what had happened with Nik and Hunter and be worried about him. But Nik was fine. He’d get over it… eventually.

Nik was watching soccer with Jeremiah when his phone chirped with Hunter’s ringtone. He sighed and grabbed his phone. He’d been waiting for this text for days now, but he really didn’t know what he was going to do now. He knew that being with someone else was a lousy substitute for Hunter and it was pretty horrible to lead Jeremiah on like he was, but the probability that Hunter was actually going to reject him was a lot higher than the two of them ending up together. He was almost certain of that at this point. Nik glanced at the text message inviting him to talk at a coffee shop after Hunter’s classes ended. Nik didn’t reply to the text message, unsure how he was supposed to act. He let out another sigh and continued to watch the game.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s the guy I like – my roommate. He wants to talk.” Nik didn’t make an effort to move off the couch, but looked at his friend.

“You should go. Maybe he’s changed his mind.” Nik thought about getting up, but he didn’t know what that would mean… he had no idea what might happen. “You don’t have to worry about me, you know.”

Nik fiddled with his hands and then stood up. Maybe it was a good sign Hunter wanted to talk. And besides, he was ready to go back to his room. Sarah’s apartment seemed crowded with the three of them there and he had eaten through quite a bit of her food. Although both of them assured him that he was alright and could stay as long as he needed to; he knew that was bullshit. “Thanks. I might be back later depending on how this goes. You’re a good friend. I –“ Nik started.

“Get out of here,” Jeremiah laughed.

It only took Nik a few minutes to reach the shop and he circled the parking lot a few times before finally parking. He wondered if he looked pale. He wondered if Hunter would be able to tell what he’d been up to the last week. Nik’s phone buzzed with Hunter’s location in the shop. After a minute – Nik was late – he finally got out of his car and walked into the shop. He went to the counter and ordered a scone and a tea. The scone was probably stale, but he didn’t care. Nik’s’ eyes easily found Hunter and he frowned at how much his heart jumped in his chest when he spotted his roommate. He slowly made his way over to Hunter and sat down across from him.

               “You wanted to talk, so talk.” His words weren’t harsh, but they were direct. 

[nikoliwells-blog]

heartaches and alcohol

                who: nikoli and jeremiah                  what: the night after kissing hunter                 when: 16 oct 2016, 5 pm                 where: jeremiah’s apartment

        Nik had spend the last hour hiding in the library. He’d started a few of his homework assignments, but he couldn’t concentrate enough to do anything for more than a few minutes Nik cursed himself for leaving his bow in the room. Though he hadn’t really been thinking when he left the room. He just needed to get out. He had texted Sarah saying that he was going to come spend the night at her house since he didn’t want to go back to the room. She asked why, but Nik made up some lie about Hunter going on a date and Nik wanted to clear the room in case anything happened. Sarah made no mention of knowing that probably wasn’t true, though she suspected it; she didn’t press the matter more. She replied saying that she was going to a party tonight and that she wouldn’t be home until late, but her brother was there and Nik was always welcome to sleep on their couch. Nik was thankful because he knew he couldn’t face Hunter again, until his roommate had time to think. At about four thirty, Nik made his way to Sarah’s apartment and knocked on the door. He heard a muffled coming from the other side of the door and moments later, Sarah’s brother opened the door.

     Nik had always thought he was good looking, but he never told anyone that. Jeremiah wasn’t wearing a shirt and he was wearing basketball shorts. It was evident to Nik that he’d been working out only moments before. Sarah’s entire family was good at sports. Sarah did archery, her mother had done figure skating, her father played soccer and baseball in college. Sarah had two siblings -- they were triplets. Rachel, the eldest, did competitive figure skating -- following in her mother’s steps. And Jeremiah, well, he did a bit of everything. His current favorite and what he was playing at the school was lacrosse. 

     “Sarah isn’t home,” he answered, but stepped aside so Nik could come in. Although the two of them weren’t as good of friends as Sarah and Nik were, they still hung out whenever they got a chance to. 

     “I know. I asked if I could stay over tonight. I don’t want to be in my room tonight.” 

     Jeremiah raised an eyebrow, concerned. He glanced to see if Nik had brought a bag with him. Nik hadn’t even brought his medicines. “Roommate troubles?” he chuckled. “I remember those days. Although I still have them sometimes.” He walked back over to the weights he’d been using before and continued his workout. Nik looked away, a blush on his face.

     “You could say that. I mean --” Nik’s phone cut him off, and for a second he wondered if it was Hunter. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and was disappointed to see Sasha’s name on the screen. He ignored the call. “I just got rejected by the guy I really, really like.” 

     “Who would be stupid enough to reject you?” Jeremiah asked, stopping his workout. He frowned and walked over to the cabinet where the siblings kept their liquor. “Nevermind that. I know you don’t really drink, but you could use a drink this evening.” He looked in the cabinet. “What will it be: rum or vokda?” In the end he pulled both drinks out. “It’s five o’clock somewhere -- oh, wait. It’s five here.” Jeremiah laughed. 

     Nik wasn’t keen on drinking, but the pain from what he assumed was a future rejection was heavy on his chest. He graciously took the bottle of rum from Jeremiah, deciding not to try his hand with the vodka again. Uncapping the bottle, he chugged a few sips and gagged. “That’s gross.” He handed the bottle back and grabbed the vodka. He really didn’t care if he made a stupid decision tonight. 

     The two of them sat on the couch and drank. Eventually, Sarah came back to get ready for the party, but by then Nik was already drunk. He didn’t even remember her leaving. He and Jeremiah were too busy talking to realize that she’d left. They sat on the couch, talking, laughing, having fun being drunk. And he didn’t feel like he was wallowing in pain anymore. Nik wouldn’t remember much about that night as he’d finished off the half empty bottle of vodka Jeremiah had given him. Nik sure as hell didn’t remember Jeremiah’s lips on his. Or anything else that came after that and there had been a lot of that. It was a good enough distraction from Hunter. It was a good enough distraction from the heartbreak Nik knew he was going to have when Hunter finally rejected him once and for all.

                                                                                   x - x 

     Sunlight woke Nik up and he groaned, moving slightly. He was only vaguely aware of the fact that there was someone else in bed with him. Nik looked down to see a mop of brown hair and smiled for a second, kissing the top of the person’s head, thinking that it was Hunter. But then he realized the body was too tall to be Hunter and last night’s events came back to him. Nik uncurled his arms around from the body and sat up in bed. He wasn’t in his room. He wasn’t with Hunter. His head hurt. His body hurt. His heart hurt more than anything else. Nik busied himself with trying to find his clothing, not glancing at the man in bed. 

     “Morning,” a groggy voice said from the bed. Nik didn’t look back to the bed. “Come back to bed.” 

     “I-- can’t.” Nik didn’t remember what happened exactly. He didn’t remember how it had gotten to this point, but he was aware he’d slept with Jeremiah. And his first thought when he woke up was Hunter. It might have been a distraction last night, but it didn’t mask the want in his heart. Nik took a second, composed himself, and looked at his friend. “I shouldn’t have...” Nik started, but stopped. 

     Jeremiah sat up in bed. He patted the bed so Nik would come sit down. He didn’t seem as hung over as Nik was, but maybe he was just used to hangovers. Nik sat down at the edge of the bed. “Hey... it’s okay. One night with someone else doesn’t hide the pain of being rejected. You’re a good guy Nik. It’s one of the reasons I like you as much as I do.” 

     Nik stared at Jeremiah blankly. “You what?” 

     “You don’t notice me flirting with you, do you?” he asked. 

     Nik shook his head, feeling guilty. 

     “Yeah, I figured you didn’t. I thought maybe... after last night...” he started, but Nik didn’t let him finish. He leaned over and pressed his lips to Jeremiah’s lips. The kiss wasn’t Hunter’s. It didn’t make him feel what he felt when he was around Hunter, but it was something. 

     “Jeremiah...” he said as he pulled away from the kiss. “You’re amazing, you know that. I... I’m still... healing. You’re a great guy. Thank you for helping me out last night.” 

     “Do you regret it? Sleeping with me?”

     “No... but I wish I’d done it with a clear mind. I wish I hadn’t been drunk. I like you and I’m sorry ” 

     “We can do it again when your mind is clearer,” he sighed. “I mean... it’s probably a bad idea, but you can use me to get over him.” 

     It was a bad idea... Nik knew it was a horrible idea. But he liked Jeremiah and he’d always thought he was attractive. Maybe this was what he needed to get over something that had been a long shot to begin with. Maybe it was a bad idea, but Nik didn’t care. He needed to feel something, anything. He was tired of feeling like an empty shell that was void of emotion. Nik didn’t think for a second more before he connected their lips again. Bad idea or not, Jeremiah was a great kisser and Nik completely forgot about Hunter the moment he kissed Jeremiah. 

                    Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea after all, he thought as he pulled Jeremiah back down onto the bed. 

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

Hunter was so out of his depth. He knew what it was like to be liked by people and usually he wouldn’t have anything bad to say about it. This was an awkward situation; of course he liked Nik but Hunter couldn’t see this ending well and that bothered him a lot. It was so unlike Hunter to be thinking things through this much, it was usually him being impulsive and making irrational decisions. He never thought of consequences or percussions and now it was the only thing he could think about. Maybe it was out of concern for Nik, Hunter knew how easily he got stressed out and he wasn’t looking to make that worse for him.

“Nobody’s good at being impulsive,” Hunter said, smiling softly, “otherwise it would be kinda pointless.” Hunter couldn’t say all of his impulsive moments had ended well and it was because he never thought of what came after them. It was pretty clear to him that that wasn’t something Nik was used to, he couldn’t blame him for trying just because it backfired a little bit. Well, a lot but Hunter still appreciated the gesture. He felt like Nik genuinely did like him and he found that endearing, all too often Hunter had been the product of someone’s affections for one thing and one thing only.

“I…I’m not trying to make you jealous, you know that right?” Hunter asked, immediately feeling guilty, “If I knew you liked me then I never….I wouldn’t have done any of that.” Hunter was a lot of things but he wasn’t a jerk and jerks made people jealous on purpose. He’d been under the impression Nik wasn’t interested, he’d told him himself that he wasn’t interested in a relationship, especially since they were roommates. Hunter had just been doing what he always does, he hadn’t stopped to think about how his affections were effecting Nik because why would he? He’d tried to tone it down after Nik came in and threw that remote at him one time, thinking he was just sick of coming back from a day of classes to see Hunter getting too close and personal with a guy he didn’t really know that well. That was something Hunter could understand.

“This is really confusing,” Hunter sighed, looking at his feet, “are you asking me out?” Hunter asked, looking at Nik again. “I thought you didn’t want that? I mean, you’re allowed to change your mind but…we’re roommates.” Hunter didn’t want to be the reason that Nik had to change rooms if they broke up. Hunter wasn’t someone that Nik wanted to date, Hunter was so bad at relationships and he didn’t want to ruin their friendship. At the same time, Hunter probably would be dating Nik under any other circumstances. “I’m not saying no,” Hunter said, “I’m just saying I need to think about this. Can you deal with that?” Hunter thought maybe he’d call his sister and get advice from her, hopefully she’d have something to say about this.

[nikoliwells-blog]

Being emotional was never something that Nik was decent at being. He preferred to pretend that he didn’t have emotions at all. It was easier that way and he didn’t get as hurt that way. Kissing Hunter probably was a mistake because he wasn’t use to feeling so much. That was the thing about Hunter that Nik enjoyed. He liked how he felt around his roommate. It was different being emotional, showing emotions that he barely was aware that he had. Nik wanted to be able to express himself and tell Hunter what he was feeling, but he failed at that thus far and he had no idea how to say anything. He had no idea how to even talk about what he was feeling and that was the issue. Nik knew that this could turn out horribly, but he didn’t care. Maybe that was impulsive and stupid; Nik just didn’t care. And that was weird, but he really just didn’t care if he ended up broken. He didn’t think that mattered. Nik couldn’t worry about what might happen in the future; he couldn’t live his life like that.

“No, but I have to think about everything I do before I do it. Every action has consequences.” It was such a Nik thing to say, he hadn’t surprised himself by saying it. He really needed to figure out what he wanted to say to Hunter. He should have planned this out. Hunter was different and Nik had no idea how to be impulsive. He might say things impulsively, but impulsive actions were not something that he able to do. Nik let out a sigh and closed his eyes, unable to figure out what he wanted to do. His attraction to Hunter had been almost magnetic. He fought it at first, but the closer that Nik got to Hunter, the harder it was to stop thinking about Hunter. He wasn’t sure what exactly he liked about his roommate.

He thought for a moment and then nodded. Obviously, Hunter wasn’t the type of person to do something on purpose. His roommate wasn’t mean. He was nice person and that’s one of the reasons that Nik liked him. “Yes, I know. Of course I know that.” Nik glanced everywhere but at Hunter, but there was a faint frown on his face. He let out another sigh and closed his eyes. “You’re not a jerk. It’s just that… I’m not that obvious when it comes to what I feel and what I want. I guess that… I mean… this is all my fault.” Nik didn’t want Hunter to feel sorry for him, but he needed to say that it was his fault because it was his fault. His inability to show his emotions was what got him into this mess. This was difficult for him. “Hunter… I have a lot of problems that I need to work through communication wise. I’m not like you.” He sighed again, but opened his eyes to look at Hunter. He had no idea what the point of all of this was.

“I… I  guess I am asking you out.” Nik hadn’t really figured out what he was asking and what he wanted. It was too much to think about and figure out. He supposed he should have figured that out before making a move at all. Nik really hadn’t thought anything out and that was the problem. “I don’t know what I wanted. I’m aware that we’re roommates, but I am so tired of lying to myself that I don’t like you and that I don’t want to kiss you. Because I do want all of that. I know this is a lot of information. I know I’m confusing. I’m sorry about that.” He really was sorry about that. Thinking basically was a no in Nik’s voice. He looked down at the ground, trying to pretend he was alone. After a moment of silence between the two of them, Nik nodded. “I can – I can live with that.” He would have to live with that; there wasn’t another option. “I’m… I’m, um, I’m going to stay… with a friend… for a few days. I’ll… have my, um, cell phone. You can call me… when you’re ready to talk.” Nik didn’t take another second. He stepped to the side of Hunter and walked out of the room. 

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

Hunter refused to feel guilty for this but that couldn’t stop him from feeling bad for Nik. He was mad at him, he’d taken Hunter by surprise and now he was upset because of Hunter’s reaction. Hunter didn’t know what Nik had expected, he knew that he’d kind of worsened the situation by kissing Nik back but he didn’t really know how to react. Hunter had wanted to kiss Nik for a long time and he’d do it again but everything about this situation was confusing. Hunter reacted badly (he maintained within good reason) and now Nik was upset, probably overthinking everything that had just happened and upsetting himself further.

The worst part was that Hunter didn’t know what to do, the last thing he wanted was for Nik to have a panic attack over this but he knew how emotional his roommate was. Hunter leaned against the door, letting his head fall back against it and crossing his arms over his chest, looking at the ceiling as if it would give him a solution. What could he say to make this better? Sorry for thinking for myself? For refusing to do something because you told me to do it? There wasn’t much chance of Hunter getting out of this without apologising, either that or he and Nik would walk away from this hating each other and Hunter didn’t want that.

He shifted awkwardly on the spot, alternating between looking at the floor and sparing awkward glances towards Nik, his heart dropping every time he did so. If anything, this proved that they would be a bad idea; would Nik be able to handle Hunter? Probably not. Hunter was somebody that acted on impulse and always went with his gut and it didn’t always turn out well. He had to wear his heart on his sleeve because he refused to be anything other than totally honest with people. Nik knew this about him, if he couldn’t handle that then what did he expect? Hunter couldn’t change who he was for somebody, no matter how much he liked them.

Hunter swallowed hard when he saw Nik reaching for his medication but didn’t make any immediate move to stop him – it wasn’t Hunter’s business to stop him. He did look up when Nik started talking, sighing softly and rubbing his hands over his face. This was too difficult, they were roommates and this situation wasn’t making any sense. If Hunter wasn’t terrified of the consequences, he’d tell Nik exactly what he just told him. He did like Nik, he’d liked him since the day they met but was this something they could handle?

“Nik…” Hunter sighed, finally crossing the room to his roommate and standing in front of Nik. He took the Xanax bottle out of his hand and dropped it back in the drawer, shaking his head gently. “You can’t turn to those things every time something happens,” he said, changing the topic for a moment. “You can’t…I didn’t expect any of this,” Hunter said, “that doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It means….I need to think, okay?” There was a lot to consider. What if they got together and promptly broke up in a few weeks? Living in the same room would beyond unbearable. Plus, did Hunter even want a relationship? He liked Nik, he liked him a lot but did he want to act on it? He wanted to kiss Nik, that was something he knew he liked but Hunter had the feeling Nik wouldn’t be able to get behind just that.  

[nikoliwells-blog]

This situation was all screwed up and Nik knew it was all his fault. Normally, he wasn’t much of an impulsive person. He could be, but it came to him only in times when he desperately needed to be impulsive. Kissing Hunter was an impulsive move, but what exactly was Nik supposed to do? It was awkward to think about talking to Hunter about how he wanted to kiss and that he wanted Hunter. Through his panic, Nik wondered if Hunter thought he was panicking because things didn’t go how he kind of planned for them to go, or if he was sorry for this situation. Technically it was a combination of the two. Nik thought that Hunter wouldn’t understand if he explained what was going through his mind, but the panic of rejection was weighing heavily on his chest and his heart felt like it was already broken into several different pieces. And what further sucked about the situation was that Nik still wanted Hunter. He didn’t think that anything could keep him from wanting to be with Hunter and that made everything about this situation a million time worse than it already was.

His panic attack didn’t help the situation at all, but he eventually managed to stop his chest from the short, heavy breaths and overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Nik retreated further from Hunter, making himself seem smaller than he actually was. Nik suddenly didn’t want to talk. There were a thousand things he wanted to say, but he didn’t want Hunter to look at him. He knew he needed to say sorry. He knew there were things that he should have said before. He’d fucked this up badly and Nik knew it. Nik tried to calm himself down as best as he possibly could, he didn’t want to have another panic attack; it literally wouldn’t help anything about this situation. He glanced around at anything else in the room besides Hunter. He should have practiced. He should have thought of something to say to Hunter rather than just kissing his roommate. If he could rewind time, he would have done so. Nik didn’t want to have to explain to Sasha that he’d fucked up the situation and Hunter hated him. Sasha was smart enough to know that would have broken Nik.

Honestly, Nik couldn’t exactly pin-point when he’d decided he liked Hunter. The first time they’d met wasn’t exactly something Nik was proud of and that night hadn’t been any better. Nik figured it was over the course of the next few weeks once they started to get to know each other better. He hated his feelings at first, attempting to stifle any feeling he had. Nik dated a few people trying to keep his mind off how badly he wanted his roommate. But nothing had worked. It was easy being around Hunter and Nik had only ever felt comfort like that around Sasha. He didn’t even feel that comfort with his parents and he’d lived with them for the past eight years. Nik slowly admitted his feelings to himself, then Sasha, then it seemed like everyone sort of just knew – like it was spoken in an unknown language. He knew everything would eventually work out in some way, but he had no idea how that would be. Nik would eventually get over a heartbreak and it would be awkward for a while, but they’d get over it.

His medication was addictive and Nik was starting to take it more and more. Before, when he’d been around Sasha, he never really needed it. Sasha was like an anchor that grounded him when he needed to be grounded. Hunter was like that to him as well. While Nik took more and more of his medication, he never needed it if Hunter was around – with the exception of the first night, but that was because of the party. If he took a pill now, it would be the first time he needed one because of Hunter. He’d calmed himself down enough that he didn’t need to take one. Nik weighed the pros and cons for a second, and when the cons of taking the medication won, he decided not to take the medicine. But he didn’t make a move to put the bottle back in its home. Only moments later, Hunter took the pills from him.  Nik’s chest tight at how close Hunter was to him. “I know,” he whispered, looking down at the ground rather than looking at Hunter.

Nik didn’t know what he expected from Hunter, but this wasn’t it. He knew his roommate was impulsive and Nik honestly thought that he’d be pretty impulsive when it came to this sort of thing. This was one of the first truly impulsive things his roommate had seen him do, Nik was so predictable that most anyone knew exactly where to find him at any given second of the day. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think things through.” He wanted to curl up and disappear from the world. Would anyone truly miss him? Nik let out a long sigh, still looking down at the ground. “I’m not good at being impulsive, apparently.” Nik had no idea if he was allowed to reach out and touch Hunter. This would all be easier if he didn’t have to do it face to face. He could feel when Hunter’s eyes were on him and kept making him more and more anxious as this conversation wore on. He was trying to make the situation seem a bit light, less angsty, but knew he was failing. “I just… I’m tired of feeling jealous of seeing you with other people. I settled for throwing that remote at you because it was a better option than killing that guy.” Nik had thought about it briefly, but then remembered his future. He could have kissed Hunter that night; it just didn’t seem like the right thing to do. “I… I want this. I… I want you. I’ve wanted you for a long time and I know it’s selfish of me, but hell I don’t fucking care anymore. Why should I deny myself something I feel?” He wondered if this was making the situation worse, but then continued to speak as if he didn’t care what happened. “The benefits of being with you outweigh anything bad that might happen. I’m just so sick of trying to hide that I’m jealous of other people you get with and I’m tired of fantasizing what your kiss is like. I haven’t said anything needs to come of this, I just want to explore my feelings. And I don’t want to keep thinking about how I’m going to get away with fucking murder the next time I walk in and see you with someone else.” This was a lot of information he was throwing at Hunter. Except Nik didn’t care because he was actually admitting what he was feeling which was a big step for him. “Fuck, if things go south, my father can make a call and I’ll be out of here faster than you can say goodbye.”

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

Hunter had no idea what he was meant to do in this situation. He’d thought about kissing Nik a million times, imagined hundreds of different scenarios in his head and this wasn’t close to any of them. What’s more, nothing about this made sense to Hunter and he was still trying to process the situation - it would’ve definitely helped if Nik gave him an explanation. He stared at Nik expectantly, waiting for him to say something…anything. He didn’t want this to get any more awkward than it had to be, Hunter was relying on Nik to have something to say about this because he sure didn’t.

Hunter frowned. What exactly did Nik mean? Hunter was allowed to kiss people, no one could tell him otherwise, he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone so why wouldn’t he? Hunter liked kissing and he liked people, if Nik was trying to give him a reasonable reason not to keep kissing people then he needed to try harder and Hunter wanted to tell him so. He knew this must be difficult for Nik, he was being put on the spot now but hadn’t he done the same thing, moments before, when he kissed Hunter? 

“I want you to kiss me,” Hunter whispered before he could stop himself. He’d been struggling to maintain eye contact with Nik, his gaze continuously flickering back to Nik’s lips. He liked the kiss, he wanted to tell Nik that he was a good kisser but it wasn’t really the time. Hunter wanted answers, he wanted to know what had changed in Nik to make him think this was a good idea, he wanted to know what he expected to happen after this; what he wanted from Hunter. He let Nik kiss him again but didn’t put as much effort into it this time and he was grateful when Nik broke it first. Then Hunter was frowning again and he took a small step away. Stop kissing other people. 

“Why?” Hunted asked, his tone sharper than he intended, “Don’t tell me that unless you’re planning on giving me a reason not to. What the hell, Nik?” Hunter was irritated, more than he realised he was and it was showing. The few seconds following Nik’s kiss had been great before the questions started filling Hunter’s mind. “That isn’t an explanation and you know it isn’t. You can’t just do that-…I was worried, I thought something serious had happened. I was in the middle of class.” He went silent again, exhaling sharply through his nose and scowling at Nik, searching his features for any form of an answer.

[nikoliwells-blog]

Nik’s chest felt tight, like it always did before he had a panic attack. Honestly, he had no idea what he was supposed to say to Hunter and it was difficult when Hunter was asking him impossible questions. He knew he wasn’t helping the situation with what he was saying and he really just wished that all of this had never happened. No one was here to give him advice on how to make the first move. Nik had no idea what he should have said, how he should have acted. This was terrifying to him. He never felt so exposed in his entire life. Most of the time, Nik was content with being in the sidelines, not being the center of attention. People always asked him why he did archery if he was in the middle of everyone’s eyesight when he was at competitions, but Nik felt that was different. People weren’t looking at him, they were looking at the arrow; they were looking at the target. Relationships had always been uncomfortable for him as well because he hated when people looked at him like he was their entire world because he wasn’t. He was a human and he made mistakes. And apparently he made a lot of mistakes.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself so he wouldn’t have a panic attack. That wouldn’t help the situation at all and Nik knew that. He took a step back from Hunter so he wouldn’t be tempted to kiss him a third time. Nik didn’t understand why he couldn’t communicate what he wanted. Of course he didn’t know what he wanted. Nik liked Hunter. Nik liked Hunter a lot. Probably more than he should have, considering they were roommates. Except the possibilities of something going wrong didn’t out weight the possibilities that something could go right. At least that’s how Nik was beginning to see it. He was tired of feeling jealous that Hunter was with another man because every time it happened, his heart felt like it was slowly cracking in two. His outburst of anger at Hunter the other day was actually one of the reasons Nik was doing this. He couldn’t explain all of this to Hunter. He was afraid his roommate wouldn’t understand. Nik didn’t know why he couldn’t communicate what he was feeling, but he was two seconds away from having a panic attack.

Hunter’s tone was frustration and Nik could tell that he was growing more and more irritated with him as the lack of conversation wore on. Nik was too afraid to touch Hunter, so he began to retreat further back to not be tempted to reach out. He knew all of this had been in ill thought out plan and the more and more he thought about what he’d done the more and more he was beginning to hate himself. Suddenly he couldn’t help the oncoming panic attack. He had tried to remain as calm as possible, but he knew he was failing. A sob escaped his lips and Nik couldn’t breathe anymore. Every breath he took felt like he was breathing in poison not oxygen. Nik buried his face in his hands, and tried to calm himself down as best as he possibly could. He was vaguely aware that this wasn’t going to help the situation, but he couldn’t really stop it from happening either. Nik was just the type of person to panic in any given situation over some tiny portion of whatever situation he was in. This was too much for him. Not only had he made a poor decision, but Hunter’s irritation was making it worse and the fact that he was supposed to explain what he meant or what he wanted was even more difficult to handle. Nik was sure Hunter hated him now if he didn’t already hate him.

Nik wanted to say so many things to Hunter. He wanted to be able to answer the questions that Hunter was asking, but he also felt like if he did, then something bad would happen. It was easier to just… go with the flow. Nik didn’t know how to tell Hunter that he liked him and it made him jealous to see Hunter with other people. That should have been evident by the way he’d acted earlier this week. Honestly, this was just much worse than Nik ever predicted would happen and what he really wanted was to be able to spell it out without actually saying anything more than what he already had. But that was impossible. Nik pulled his Xanax out of the drawer he kept it in, but his hands were shaking too hard to open the bottle. He looked at Hunter, and instantly regretted it. Hunter was so perfect and exactly the type of person Nik would go for, but Nik knew he was screwing this up. If he hadn’t already fucked it up beyond repair.

Maybe it was the comfort of the pills he’d just grabbed or Hunter himself, but Nik felt a bit calmer. He kept his eyes fixed to Hunter’s face, closely watching the emotions apparent on his face. Nik was afraid to look at his emotionless face in the mirror. He took a couple of deep breaths, and finally managed to speak. “I’m sorry.” The simple words still weren’t enough of a communication to help the situation, but it was better than nothing. Nik bit down in his lip, and sighed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think… I just… I, um, you… it’s…” Nik suddenly forgot every single word in the English dictionary. “Tih mnye nraveesh-sya.” The Russian words slid off his tongue a lot easier than the English words, but Hunter wouldn’t understand them. After a moment of silence, Nik found the words he was looking for, this time in English. “I like you. A lot. And I don’t want you to kiss other people because I want you to kiss me and only me.”

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

Hunter let the silence fall between them. He was so confused, what was so important that Nik had called it an emergency and told him to come back to their room? Hunter knew Nik suffered from depression and anxiety and that he had to take medication for it, he was bound to worry when Nik texted him something like that. For a moment he was angry, angry that Nik had used Hunter’s good faith to get him to come back here for whatever reason, scared him into thinking that something had happened to Nik. Hunter didn’t want to have to deal with that, he didn’t want to have to explain an incident to the people on campus or Nik’s family or his own family even.

Hunter opened his mouth to repeat the question again and Nik surged towards him. Hunter froze and stared up at Nik, wanting to shout at him and smile at him all at the same time. His heart was beating so hard he could hear the blood rushing in his ears. Hunter felt like he should keep talking but he drew a blank, what could he say to this? He knew if he started asking why Nik got him back here then he’d only get annoyed. He was meant to be in class right now and felt like an idiot for running back here like he had.

Oh.

Nik’s lips met his and Hunter breathed in sharply through his nose. That was not what Hunter was anticipating and he couldn’t tell if he was offended or not. He let the kiss happen, melting into it and relaxing without much persuasion. Hunter peeled himself off the door to cup his hands at the back to Nik’s neck, giving himself some leverage to bring himself to closer to Nik’s height. This was going to be a strange discussion after, Hunter thought. He was mostly curious about why Nik had to do this now and couldn’t have waited an extra 45 minutes for Hunter to get out of class. It didn’t matter, Hunter was strangely at ease as he kissed Nik because it felt like a genuine relief, there was so much pent up tension between them (he now realised) and it felt like it was all seeping away.

Hunter did pull away eventually and he nearly passed out from the lack of oxygen. He hadn’t been paying attention when he and Nik were kissing and he’d already been out of breath when he got back to their room. He stared at Nik, a frown of confusion forming quickly and he squinted at Nik, tilting his head to one side.

“Explain.” He simply said, hoping now more than ever that Nik had one of his speeches prepared for this because Hunter needed one.

[nikoliwells-blog]

Nik didn’t know what he expected out of this whole ordeal. He wondered what Sasha would think about what he was about to do. It was a horrible plan really, but Nik didn’t know what else he was supposed to do. He had never really been the type to make a move on someone so he really didn’t have the experience to know what he was doing. All two of the relationships he’d been in, both people made their moves first. Nik wasn’t experienced when it came to being with another person. He had no idea what he was supposed to do or how he was supposed to act. But he couldn’t keep pretending that he didn’t want to kiss Hunter, because that was a lie and the more he watched Hunter with other people, the more he hated himself. Honestly, he probably could have waited until Hunter was out of class, but he didn’t want to. He knew he’d find some way to talk himself out of making a move. He had a feeling that Hunter wouldn’t really care that he wasn’t in class for this. At least… Nik hoped not. He needed Hunter to not care.

The kiss was everything Nik imagined it would be. The height difference made it a little bit awkward, but there wasn’t much that wasn’t awkward when it came to Nik. He felt himself relaxing instantaneously, as if Hunter had an aura of tranquility around him. Hunter was oddly calming and Nik really needed that right now. Nik tried to ignore the fact that his heart was beating what seemed like a hundred beats a second. He tried to ignore how warm his skin was growing with each passing second. Nik even tried to ignore how perfectly his arms seemed to fit around Hunter, as if they were made to curl around Hunter’s waist. But everything was apparent the longer they stood like this, the longer the kiss lasted. Nik wanted nothing more than for the two of them to keeping kissing, but after what seemed like only a second, Hunter broke the kiss. The noise of frustration was almost instinct, and Nik wanted their lips to reconnect again.

He knew Hunter was going to demand an explanation, but he didn’t have one. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to Hunter about the kiss. He didn’t know how to explain what he had done and why. Nik liked Hunter and he wanted a relationship with Hunter, but he had no idea how to explain that to Hunter. Especially not with the thought of rejection being possible and how weird it would be for the two of them if they didn’t work out. Nik rambled about a lot of things, so sure, he talked a lot. But normally his talking and speeches were about simple things – like laundry and soccer, nothing too big, and nothing important. This. This was different. These were his feelings. He wasn’t good at explaining those to anyone. He didn’t like to get hurt. Mainly, Nik didn’t know how he felt or why. It was annoying that he felt like that, however, he felt more exposed than ever now that he had to explain what had happened. Nik let out a long sigh, his gaze going to the ground.

“I…” Nik started, unable to go on. He frowned and felt himself freeze up. Nik bit down on his lip, a nervous habit of his. He unhook his hands from around Hunter’s waist and stepped back a bit, hoping to put more of a comfortable distance between them for this. He needed a small bit of space to feel a little bit comfortable. Nik closed his eyes, wishing that Hunter could understand by just looking at him, without him having to use his words because he couldn’t find the right words to express himself. He didn’t know what he needed to say. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he opened his mouth to speak. “You keep kissing other people,” was all he could say. He was really starting to hate that more than he wanted to admit. Nik felt it was safe to look at Hunter, but he was wrong. Hunter’s eyes were open and Nik felt breathless just staring at him for a moment.

“I want to kiss you.” Nik wanted to kiss Hunter again… and again… and again. He almost felt like the kiss had been a drug that he was already addicted to. Not that he minded at all. Nik couldn’t will himself to say anything else at that current moment. He didn’t have anything else to say. He couldn’t think of anything else to say. Words were escaping him right now. Every emotion he normally would have felt, was heightened by at least a hundred percent and he wasn’t used to feeling this much all at once. Beginning to fall for his roommate left Nik irritable and grumpy most of the time, but this… this was a chance. Any other time in Nik’s life and he might have been able to say something more articulate, but he was sure that Hunter was one of the few people that he acted like a total fool around. Nik couldn’t figure out what else he needed to say, so instead of saying something, he leaned down and kissed Hunter again. This kiss didn’t last as long, but Nik started to feel the same symptoms he felt the last time. He broke the kiss after only a few seconds.

“Stop kissing other people,” Nik’s voice was barely above a whisper and he wasn’t sure Hunter could hear it. He probably needed to apologize for telling Hunter this was an emergency and making him leave class, but honestly, Nik wasn’t sorry about that at all. If he finally – sort of – got the courage to do this then he wasn’t sorry at all.

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

[hunterbenn-blog]

As it was, Hunter was insufferably bored when he got an alarming text from Nik. They’d been roommates and friends for a while now and Hunter liked to think he knew Nik pretty well - his instinct told him that if Nik was telling him it was an emergency, it was an emergency. He’d been on the verge of falling asleep in his class when his phone buzzed in his pocket and smiled immediately at the sight of Nik’s name on his screen. That was a curious thing, Hunter thought; he sometimes worried that he liked Nik more than was appropriate…Who was he kidding? He definitely liked Nik more than was appropriate.

Hunter didn’t know what to do with these feelings, almost certain that Nik didn’t reciprocate. They were roommates for a start, they had to share a room every single night (more or less) and if something happened between them then it would only make things awkward for the both of them. Hunter tried to get past it by hooking up with other people. He hadn’t dated anybody, he kissed guys he met at parties and sometimes went home with them. Hunter refrained from bringing guys back to his and Nik’s room after that first night, he still had nightmares about waking up and Nik’s brother, Sasha, busting into the room. It didn’t do much, hooking up with other guys was a decent distraction but Hunter didn’t like any of them, not the way he liked Nik. Sure, all of them were attractive and usually pretty nice but they weren’t what he wanted. He knew he was comparing every guy he met to Nik; he wanted his height, his awkward attitude, his tendency to go off on tangents. There wasn’t anyone that even compared to that, in Hunter’s eyes.

The text immediately had him worried and Hunter was out of the classroom within 10 seconds of reading it. He was scared Nik had gotten hurt but he couldn’t fathom how or why. What if someone hurt him? What if it was that crazy guy from the party, their first night on campus, that Nik punched in the face? Hunter didn’t even take a second to text back to let Nik know he was on his way, simply sprinting across campus and back to the dorms. Years of track had made Hunter pretty quick and he was back within a couple of minutes, breathing hard as he stumbled in through the door.

“What?” Hunter panted, looking around the room as if he’d get some clue as to what had happened. “What’s going on? You said it was an emergency.” Maybe Hunter didn’t know everything about Nik but he didn’t figure him to be someone that was into pranks - especially not when he knew that Hunter was in class at this time of day.

[nikoliwells-blog]

He hadn’t meant to like Hunter as much as he did. It would have been easier if Hunter wasn’t attractive and he was rude. But Hunter was neither of those. Nik knew his roommate didn’t want a relationship. Part of him didn’t want a relationship either, but it was growing more and more difficult not to think about Hunter in that way. Hunter almost wished that Sasha wasn’t at practice so that he could text him for advice, but it was too late for that now. Nik knew that Hunter would eventually find his way back to their room – at least he hoped so – but he wanted to do this now before he chickened out. Adding the emergency to the end of the text would make Hunter come back to the room. Nik didn’t want to call a false alarm, except he had no idea what else would make Hunter come back to the room. Nik had been so angry for the past few days at Hunter. It was easier to just pretend that this was an emergency rather than wait around hours for his roommate to show back up.

Honestly, Hunter was the exact sort of person that Nik would like. He wasn’t exactly short – but he was shorter than Nik. He was kind and caring. He was outgoing. Nik knew that eventually they wouldn’t be roommates and Nik could maybe, possibly ask Hunter out over the summer. He liked to think that they’d gotten to be pretty good friends over the past few months. Despite their first night that was awkward and weird, Hunter had seemed to stop bring people back to the room. Nik knew he still partied and hooked up with people, but he hadn’t brought anyone back to the room, so Nik could just pretend that he was sleeping in a friend’s room. Although he wasn’t there to date, he’d been on a couple of dates so far. Nothing really clicked with the people he went on a date with. His friend Sarah set him up with a few people she thought he’d like, but honestly, they were more friend material than anything else. His mind just went back to Hunter.

Pacing, he thought twice about what he’d texted. Maybe it was better to actually create an emergency, but then he thought better than to do that. Hunter knew he suffered from depression and anxiety, and if he did something stupid to create an actual emergency, Hunter might think he was doing something stupid to hurt himself. Nik looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw just how pale he actually looked. He was so scared that this was a mistake, though it was too late now. Nik watched the door turn and froze in place. He watched Hunter walk through the door and Nik’s heart skipped a beat. He wanted to smile, but then it was supposed to be an emergency so he thought better than to smile. Nik crossed the room and closed the door behind Hunter. He looked down at his roommate, unable to answer the question about what the emergency was. Nik pinned Hunter to the door; he felt shaky. Nik didn’t say anything, but pressed his lips to Hunter’s lips.

[nikoliwells-blog]

procrastinating hearts | hunter & nik • college au

Mid-October wasn’t that cold in Georgia, but everywhere Nik went he kept hearing people complaining about the cold weather. He rolled his eyes at the girls wearing big jackets and the guys already switching to long pants. Nik thought the weather was still a little too warm for his taste. He could tell which people were from the more northern states because they weren’t complaining about the weather. While Nik really didn’t consider Maryland that far in the north, he didn’t really find this weather that chilly. That said, he was currently cuddled in bed in one of Sasha’s travel team sweatshirts that he had stolen last time he was home. He had homework that he should have been working on, but he was nervously fiddling with his phone waiting for a response from Sasha, which arrived only a few minutes later.

               Sasha: Nik… chill the fuck out.

Nik: I can’t. I don’t want anything bad to happen and Hunter was the one who said he didn’t want to kiss me at the beginning of the year.

               Sasha: Yeah, but you said he’s been flirting with you a lot.

Nik: He always flirts with me, that’s no different than normal. I just don’t want things to be awkward between us if something goes wrong.

               Sasha: They won’t.

Nik: You don’t know that.

               Sasha: Nik, stop. If you don’t want to try, then don’t. It really doesn’t make a difference to me. You’re the one who always talks about how hot he is and how much you like him, so you’re the one who is losing out on the chance that things could pan out. Anyway, I’ve got to go to practice. Text me later when you’ve made a decision. Just do what you think is best for you. And maybe for once listen you your <3. :D

               Sasha: Also, did you steal my sweatshirt?

Nik: Okay. Of course not! Your clothing doesn’t fit me.

Nik felt no closer to a decision than he had before he texted Sasha, but he figured he needed to come to a decision soon. He thought about the previous week. He’d been certain that Hunter had been flirting with him. Actually flirting with him. Actively flirting with him and not just being himself – which normally involved flirting. But then he’d come back to find Hunter making out with some random guy. Nik had been really mad and may have thrown his PlayStation controller at Hunter – or not AT him, but in his direction – and stormed out of the room, slamming the door so hard, other people left their room to see what happened. Nik went to the range to shoot some of his aggression out, but Hunter followed him there. They argued and almost kissed, but Nik couldn’t bring himself to let it happen. He was just so angry and annoyed that he couldn’t bring himself to kiss Hunter as much as he wanted to. Nik had spent most of the week reflecting on that moment – and avoiding Hunter. He supposed that gave him his answer. He wanted to kiss Hunter. He was jealous that Hunter kept kissing other people.

He looked down his phone and started at it for a few minutes before finally texting Hunter. “Come back to the room. It’s an emergency.” It was mid-day and Nik knew that Hunter probably was in class. Nik let out a sigh and got up off his bed. He paced back and forth waiting for his roommate to arrive in the room. Nik sort of had a plan when Hunter arrived, but not really. He threw his phone on his bed and bit down on his lip. He continued to pace back and forth and attempted to calm himself down, but failed. Maybe he needed to take a Xanax, but it was too late for that -- it would take at least fifteen minutes for that to kick in and he’d be lucky if he had five.