The Opposite of Loneliness
I read an essay with this title long time ago, and just couple days aback I heard The Cinema Therapy used this phrase when reacting to Thunderbolts*. So what is the opposite of loneliness? Allan said it was connection, something that was so hard to find these days. At least for me personally.
This past month has been hard, especially this last two weeks. I took 5 days leave only to spend it in bed due to feverish flu. All of my plans went straight to bin bag in the middle of chaotic state of our nation. Just when I went back to work, I lost a friend. His death felt like a wake-up call, so many things to process, and I wish my therapist was around to help me short all the thoughts.
Last Friday at dawn news broke, of how one of our dear friend found unconscious at his home, alone, after 3 days without contact. We both on the same year, Class of 2009. We were put in the same team years ago. He, the extroverted, enthusiastic person, and I, a pessimistic brooded human being. We fight constantly, in every occasion where we had to work together. But I respect him, adore his dedication and work ethic. He was a wonderful writer, and a great mentor. Honestly, I always thought that he will be the 1st PhD in our year.
I had an 8 am meeting that day, and supposed to be followed by 3 others agendas, but at 10 I decided to leave meeting room and join my fellow classmates to visit him at hospital. Seeing him at ER makes me sad, but also angry. He was so bright, so full of life. He was the soul of our community. Always came up with the most creative idea. Eager to makes connection whenever he saw it. It was not fair for him to be dying alone like that.
I went back to the office at lunch. By 3 pm, rumors surrounded his death was inevitable. Some said yes, but others said no. I was sharing my screen on zoom meeting when the final blow came. My team agree that the meeting should end, and I should join my classmates to the hospital (because the family wanted to bury him in his hometown). I ran with 2 other classmates, so caught up on grief we miss the junction and had to take a detour. Then Yudith, the one whose been with him at the last assignment, has spoken what's been bothering me the whole day. We used to talk all the time, and now we're not. What happened to us?
Honestly, I felt it too. I left office for 5 years taking my PhD, and just came back last year. We barely catch up. My last interaction with him was a grumpy massage saying how annoying he was by arranging group meeting that he himself can not attend. I thought we will have time.
As we gathered in the hospital alley, all of the person in our year shared a same question, did we failed him as friend? As family?
I cried until my head hurt. Never have I cried that much when someone died. Years ago when I loose a friend for a first time, I didn't even shaded a tears. Though the grief lingers for almost decade. That evening I finally get the big picture from a friend whose among those find him first. "He holds my hand as a response when I asked permission to measure his pulse." She said.
That brought a little bit closure. I wish in his last breath he knew that every connection he's built has coming back to him. That in the end he felt the opposite of loneliness.
Farewell Farido, you will definitely be missed.
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