can't get over having "is one of the most popular Men’s Hockey RPF writers on Archive of Our Own, with over two million words and twice the page views of the next most popular writer" as your author bio on Penguin Random House dot com. girl at any point as you sat there collating other writers' page views did you doubt yourself or
It’s crazy that most people don’t realize alcohol is one of the only drugs that has fatal withdrawal like the prevalence of people thinking the answer is to dump people’s liquor into the sink to “help” them is insane
i hate how much people care about their ships being "canon" now. spirk fans didn't publish zines full of fanfics in the 70s only for modern fandom to grovel at the knees of corporations and beg for things to be canon. use your imaginations, don't allow billionaires to think for you.
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.
“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”
“I’m learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham,” replies the old man.
“How do you know you’re going to heaven? What if you go to hell?” asks the KGB agent.
Fuck it, posting the glass eye fic I’ve been sitting on for a few months
•••
Katara didn’t trust Zuko as far as she could throw him, and based on past experiences, she couldn’t throw him very far without waterbending. Not that she’d hesitate to waterbend at him if he tried anything- and at this point, she was just waiting for him to slip up.
Which was why she was immediately ready to water whip him off the side of the temple when she heard Sokka’s terrified shriek. Okay, so maybe she didn’t exactly have proof he’d done anything, or even that he was anywhere near Sokka, but she ran towards the noise, water pouch at the ready, planning the best way to toss him out a window anyway-
And it was Zuko! She let herself have the vindication for a moment. Just a moment. Then asked “Sokka, what did you do?”
Look, she hated Zuko’s guts, but he didn’t look like he was actively hurting anyone right now, staring at Sokka in shock and clutching his face (the scarred side, she noted).
For good measure, she repeated the question at Zuko, because Sokka had screamed and he didn’t usually do that for no reason.
“I was just getting dressed!” Zuko protested, halfway between confused and afraid. “And he just came in and started screaming!”
Sokka made a strangled noise and gestured emphatically at Zuko, which cleared up absolutely nothing. “He- he- his- I-“
“Sokka!” She snapped. “What happened?”
Zuko lowered his hand a little and Sokka let out another half yelp. The firebender glared, then winced a little, still not uncovering his face.
“Wait, Sokka, did you hit him?”
Katara was a responsible person, who disapproved of hitting people on principle. She was not frowning at Sokka because she was jealous.
“No!” Sokka managed to get out. “Zuko- he- his eye fell out!”
Oh.
“Sokka...” she sighed. “Are you high again?”
“Wait-“ Zuko cut in, looking a little less confused (Katara would be angry with him for interrupting later, when she was less desperately perplexed). “You were freaking out because I took my eye out?”
“You... you what?” Katara was now matching Sokka’s confused horror. “You took your what out?”
Zuko lowered his hands, and yep, one eye. One eye and one not-eye, because Zuko only had one eye, and an empty eye socket, because what in Tui’s name was-
“What the fuck-“ She wasn’t sure if that was her or Sokka.
One - one - creepy gold eye blinked at them. “It’s a glass eye,” Zuko said slowly. “I kinda have to take it out sometimes.”
That explained everything and nothing at all. “It’s a what?” Sokka demanded.
“Glass eye,” Zuko said, then waved something small and eye-shaped in their general direction. He looked slightly more annoyed than usual, and then it struck Katara that someone screaming when they saw your face probably didn’t do wonders for self-esteem. “An eye. Made of glass.”
Sokka looked outright terrified. “But... how did your eye turn into glass? That happens? Do I have to worry about that?”
Katara did not slam her head into the wall, showing incredible self restraint. “Sokka, you idiot!” she groaned.
He grabbed her by the shoulders, eyes wide. “Katara, why didn’t you tell me this could happen?!”
As a healer, she had a duty to tell him he was being an absolute idiot and that it was clearly a prosthetic.
As a little sister, she had a duty to fuck with him, and that was a far more sacred duty.
“I’m sorry, Sokka,” she managed to sigh. “I didn’t want you to worry, with all the stuff you do that- no, don’t worry. It’s not so bad.”
“What?” His voice was strangled in fear. “Katara, what? Katara what am I doing?! How do I stop it?! Katara?!”
She’d almost forgotten about Zuko until he very sadly said “why do you think Aang doesn’t eat meat? The Avatar needs two eyes, and if one falls out, it could cause problems.”
She did not like Zuko at all, but right then, she loved him.
Ten minutes later, Sokka had sworn off meat, and then the other contributing factors to eyes spontaneously turning into glass and falling out: sarcasm, boomerangs and being an annoying big brother.
“He knows we’re joking, right?” Zuko asked cautiously after Sokka sprinted out to apologise to the spirits for making fun of waterbending.
“Eh, he’ll figure it out.”
———
“So,” Toph said as they settled down for dinner - with Sokka being late for a meal for the first time in his life, “why is Snoozles throwing seal jerky into the canyon?”
“I have a glass eye,” Zuko explained.
The earthbender nodded sagely. “Yeah, makes sense.”
Aang was slowly looking between the three of them like it would make any of this any more sensical. “Uh... what?”
“Long story,” Katara sighed.
Her brother strode up to the campfire with his usual level of theatre, then remembered that being dramatic was also a risk factor and very calmly and slowly sat down. “I think I’m safe.”
“What about your hair?” Zuko asked, completely blank faced.
“... please tell me this isn’t why you had the bald ponytail.”
“You think I did that willingly? No, I needed at least one eye working.”
Sokka sprinted into the temple.
“You’re not actually going to let him shave his hair, are you?” Zuko asked, looking mildly concerned.
Okay, this was perfect and Katara would remember it lovingly for the rest of her life, but even her natural little sister sadism wouldn’t stretch that far. “Toph, please bring him back here.”
———
“Toph, let me out of the rock! I need my eyes!”
———
“Wait... what?”
———
“What do you mean it’s not a medical condition?!”
———
“What do you mean it’s a prosthetic!?!”
———
“YOU LET ME THROW THE SEAL JERKY AWAY!”
———
“Okay,” Sokka said calmly, two hours and a lot of yelling later. “That was a very cruel prank and I’m never forgiving any of you.”
“Shut up, Snoozles,” Toph scoffed.“There are more important things than your dignity. For example,” she turned to Zuko with a huge grin, “can I touch it?”
“It’s been in his head!” Sokka screeched. Apparently the dramatics were back on. “It has head goo on it!”
Katara frowned. “Sokka, how do you think bodies work?”
“Please?” Toph begged, giving very impressive polar-puppy-dog eyes for someone who couldn’t see. “No one ever lets me touch their real eyes.”
“Because you’re a menace,” Katara scoffed.
“Please, Sparky?”
“Ugh, fine,” Zuko sighed. “Give me a second.”
It occurred to everyone a moment too late that, oh yeah, if anyone was going to spontaneously invent glassbending, it would be Toph.
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