"We Accept The Love We Think We Deserve"

[grievng-deactivated20201229]

[fighting-ghosts]

[empty-and-lonely]

[nm8326-blog]

Foolish

[nm8326-blog]

Don’t jinx it

Things are starting to go strangly well for me. I honestly thought I would be in complete and udder dispair after the loss of my Mother. Which, I am but not the way I thought. I’m completely functional. I’m getting my anxiety under control with the help of my Doc and I actually feel again. The last several years I’ve felt absent of most emotions. I’m eating better, just got a new job, and even talking to someone I’m possibly interested in. Which, the latter is completely out of left field. I know I’m going to jinx the hole damn thing by talking about it but whatever. It was completely coincidental, I was reacquainted with someone I used to talk to about 11 years ago. Not sure what will happen with it but I’m open to it which is the biggest surprise to me. I’ve been very closed off to dating for a few years. I forced myself on a date two years ago because I thought I should date. Then I realized that I wasn’t willing to bring anyone into my comfortable life. I didn’t want someone coming in and changing things. I became very independent. It wasn’t even what I had experienced with love interests that put me off from dating. I seriously just felt that I wasn’t happy with myself enough to date yet. I’ve had quite a few years now to love myself and really know what I want.

I’m really excited to start this new job and this new journey of my life. I’m going to stay with my Dad and bro for a while. We all need each other. We’re still taking things hard, with the loss of Mom. My heart feels like it’s missing something. She was my best friend. The only person in my life who really knew me. Every holiday is like a knife through the heart... I thought thanksgiving and Xmas was going to be it. But nope, even Memorial Day, the 4th... dad had a bday and Father’s Day. It’s been awful. Being back home is already so rewarding though. I was able to be with Mom her last couple months and take care of her. She knew exactly what she meant to me. There were absolutely NO regrets with my Mom in the end. The last 36 hours of her life I was managing her pain every hour on the hour minus two hours for a cat nap, when my aunt took over. I was there for every ER visit, all but one chemo appointment, every doc appt minus a couple family dr appts and for both of the surgeries. I’ve had hospital staff ask if I was in the nursing field lmao and my family said I should have been. It’s too hard, I wouldn’t be able to handle that emotionally. But with Mom it was easy to be nurturing. I loved her unconditionally. I was with her during her last breath, she smiled and squeezed my hand. It was my turn to take care of her. I feel her with me every day. It’s a weird feeling, sometimes I have stronger feelings, sometimes not so strong. I know she’s around me. She’s visited me in a couple dreams with big smiles on her face.

Having a big heart can be such a curse, but it can be so rewarding when goodness fills it. I’m going to be happy and live my life for me, but also for Mom, because that’s all she wanted for me.

[nm8326-blog]

Grief

I’m not handling Moms death well. I’ve been going about my days with a lot of anxiety and holding back crying just so I can work. Today was my day off and it started off relaxing. Then I got into a debate with my Dad about something and the next thing I knew I was flipping out. I broke my door and I threw shit around the living room. I then ran upstairs to lay on Moms bed and cry. The worst thing is my brother who has autism tried to interject and I can’t get the look on his face out of my head when I started throwing shit. I had a sit down with my bro after I calmed down and explained to him how I felt and how I got to that point. He understood thank God and I apologized more than once. I learned today that I need to not hold back how I feel because this outburst scared me and freaked out my family. It’s like a pressure cooker. The more you let all this stuff build up it all is just going to blow up in the end. Just take it as it comes. No more holding back. I’m also looking into therapy.

[nm8326-blog]

I can’t believe my Mom is going to die. It could be any minute. This can’t be real. It’s too fast! She doesn’t deserve all of this pain! My heart can’t take this. I don’t know what I’m going to do. She’s the only one who really understood me, who put up with my shit, who put me in my place when needed, but also showed me such support and compassion when times were tough. She’s my best friend. She’s my everything. My life will be so empty without her.

[s-t-a-y-i-n-g]

• тнє αят σƒ нσℓ∂ιηg ση •

[methamorphoce]

ʀᴀɪɴʏ ᴅᴀʏs

[leave-me-colourless]

[rainy-autumn-days]

[nm8326-blog]

Watching my Mom waste away from cancer is by far the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. But how I feel about it is completely irrelevant compared to how she’s feeling. I can’t fix it. When she cries in pain, I can’t fix it. When she asks for her Mom, I can’t fix it(she’s dead). I feel absolutely worthless. What’s terrible is trying to work full time and still try to help out. I wish I could just help her full time. I have no emotions except for randomly crying or not feeling anything at all. She doesn’t deserve this, she’s the most amazing woman and human on this planet.

[oldfilmsflicker]

The Times of Harvey Milk, 1984 (dir. Rob Epstein)

[nm8326-blog]

Count your blessings

When you find out your Mom has cancer all the other problems you’ve ever had seems so trivial. Then when you hear people complain about the most ridiculous things you can’t help but to feel irritated. My Mom has cancer, you know what she doesn’t do? Complain! Oh you don’t get an extra day off of work? Well guess what? All my days off involve me going to care for my ill Mother. Which, I’m proud to do. Everyone is so much more selfish than I’ve ever realized. Actually, it’s pretty sad since that was a huge complaint I had about people in general before all of this happened.

[sophieeeeexholden]

[teachingliteracy]

[mystic-mother-moon]