Nola Nightmares || Puckabella
Bella drew in her bottom lip and held it captive between her teeth. She bit down with some force as she listened to Puck explain how he lied to her. It was one thing to admit to the action, but to explain it felt like daggers being jabbed into her heart and lungs. “Lying by omission is still lying. You still kept something from me. Do you know… what that does? Knowing that you hid things from me and did it on purpose? That was your choice,” she asked, her voice cracking by the tinge of pain that struck her chest. The mixture of emotions that coursed through her was overwhelming. The best thing for Bella to do at that point was sit there and listen. Her eyes focused on her hands that lay in her lap. She understood where he came from, and could even grasp the idea of him resorting to desperate measures to solve his problem, but it absolutely infuriated her that he thought so little of her. For him to think she was one to leave without any warning, as if she wasn’t ever on that end of the stick many times before, felt like a punch in the stomach. This feeling, the uneasiness that made her skin tingle to the point that it felt unbearable to be in, was too much. Her nails began to dig into the back of her hands, they clasped together so tightly. The pain alleviated that feeling, but only just a little bit. When it grew, they dug even deeper into her skin, causing it to pale. “If you knew me, you’d know I wouldn’t leave. Not like that. Not without good reason. And that… that other thing – what if I was okay with it? What if, if that was the last possible thing, I would have been okay with it? We’ll never know now right? All we know now is that for a year… for almost our whole relationship, you lied.” Bella knew that she sounded like a broken record as she pointed out repeatedly that Puck had lied, but at that point, she was utterly over the point of people deceiving her. Whether it was for her protection or not, she didn’t care. It had happened too many times to count and at this point, whom was she supposed to trust anymore? The brunette licked her lips, and continued, “I can understand you having to do what you have to do. I would never want you to lose your future and the things that make you happy. And I don’t want you to go back to there when I know you can and will do so much better. But the thing is… you don’t have to do this all by yourself. If you promised me all these things over and over again, I expect you to keep that promise. Just as I promised you that I will be there for you every step of the way, no matter what you go through. I will be there. Even if it’s just for support. I promised you that, along with so much more. And if I were on the verge of losing that, I wouldn’t lie that I wouldn’t get desperate too. But, I can say that I would go to the person who said that they would always protect me and be by my side.” Bella nodded as she bit the inside of her cheeks to dim the hurt. Physical pain was more endurable than the emotional one she was experiencing. Maybe she was thinking too much of them as a unit and not enough as individuals, but that was how she thought of them. As a duo that could face anything life gave them, even their own individual troubles. She didn’t expect to solve his problems, but did, in some fantasy world it felt like, assume to be in the know. Stupidly, Bella felt like at least she could have been in his corner, even if she couldn’t help him fight his battles. When he spoke and put into words about how his decision was truly for the betterment of their future, she could see where he was coming from. Maybe it would have turned out as he said, but then again, maybe it wouldn’t. “Okay, then,” she conceded quietly. Her hands loosened the tight grip they had on each other and moved to the edge of the bed, where she gently pushed off. She straightened up and walked over to their haphazardly jam packed bags. Bella picked up one of his button ups that she had slept in, not even five hours before. “Maybe I just thought… I don’t know,” she said with a shrug, unable to figure out exactly how to relay her thoughts into words. Her slender fingers worked on buttoning the shirt before she picked up and stated, “Maybe I just wanted to be… there. I mean I would be in the future, right? A marriage… a family… it doesn’t work if everyone’s not involved, right? What kind of wife would I be if I never consulted my husband? Or be there for him, to at least show him he’s not alone? I’m not saying this like we’re married right now and I need to know every single detail about what you’re doing, but this… this is big. I know I didn’t inherit your… faults, but you didn’t inherit mine either. Yet you still deal with them.” She turned around with tears pooled in her eyes and shrugged. “But you’re right. I won’t ever know or truly understand, since When something like this did happen to me I was too young. I was saved by my aunt and my fears aren’t the same as yours. Doesn’t mean I don’t have them though. I’m not trying to completely fix things or solve everything, but I figured that even though we have our own battles, we’d still talk… And be honest with each other. I know we’re going to just do what we want in the end, but it’s just nice… You know? To not be misled or whatever. Because what if something were to have happened to you while you were… Working? How would I know? It’s already scary enough to know you work late hours in this city. I mean, how would you like it if the tables were turned? I don’t know where I’m going with this,“ she stopped and let out a quiet, yet weighty sigh. "Just so you know though, no matter what, I would never see you as a loser, worthless, or as a burden. I love you. And even, through all of this, everything I said at the restaurant I believe. About you… And us. Maybe I am naïve and maybe I do romanticize things too much, but I stand by what I say and my promises.” Bella turned around and folded the shirt into one of the bags. Her head started to throb and thinking was quickly becoming something she didn’t want to do. “Can we just… can we just go home? I need to be somewhere that’s not here.”
“I was trying to avoid…”He gestured between the two of them with his hands. “This…fighting. I didn’t want my situation to be a reason we fight. But avoiding it was useless.” Puck honestly didn’t know what to say. He’d apologized but nothing he said in the moment would mean much of anything. Sorry seemed like it wasn’t worth the weight that it should have been worth, and he couldn’t take it back. He didn’t have a time machine. So he had not a single clue what else to do. “I do know you, B. But I also know that I don’t make being with me easy and people don’t stay when the going gets rough. If all you know is people who claim to love you leaving when it gets rough, how would I not have a little doubt. And it’s not just you it’s everyone in my life. Mac, Jamarcus, Coach. I think that one day they’ll all just bounce. Because it’s what I’m used to. I’ve been trained to be by myself and do things all by myself. It’s hard to break what’s ingrained in you for more than a decade, B. It took all those year to get me like that. It’s going to take more than a few to get all of a ten plus year mindset out. I’m a work in progress. I’m not 100% reformed,” he explained. He’d been on his own since he was 8, and it had taken all those years to harden him to the harsh reality that he had no one, and he had to look out for himself and himself only. Getting out of that mindset would take more than just a few years time. He had a lot of things to undo, that living alone and fending for himself had built up. “You could do that because we’re not wired the same. You know what it’s like to lean on people. I don’t. These few years of college that’s all I truly have of leaning. And I haven’t done much leaning because the thought of it scares me. What if I lean and there’s no support? You’ve got to realize that in certain aspects, I’m that scared little kid that woke up everyday thinking today my dad will come back. He’ll take care of me. I burned my finger, he’ll help me. I didn’t have help nor did I have support, so leaning is scary. Letting you in has been the scariest thing I’ve ever done in a long time. And I’m standing here more honest than I’ve ever been in my life, and more vulnerable than I’ve ever been. Telling you nothing but the truth. I don’t know if my truths are digging me bigger holes, but I’m just trying to explain.” Puck rubbed the back of his neck and he listened to her tell him she just wanted to be there for him. It was that that was so difficult. Letting someone be there for him when he didn’t think he deserved it. When he didn’t see the point. No one ever saw the point before to help him dig himself out of poverty. “If we were married, we probably wouldn’t be having this discussion. Or the problem of me secretly escorting. But you’re listed as my next of kin on forms so you would have been called if something happened to me. If the tables were turned? You did what I did for the reasons that I did it? I’d understand. Sure yeah I’d worry about you out late at night but I’d understand where you’re coming from that that you need to do what you need to do.” He would have. He wasn’t new to a struggle, especially a financial one, and if the show was on the other foot, he’d still understand when it was all said and done. When she told him she meant what she had said in the restaurant about this not being the end of them, he nodded for lack of something better to do. That made his heart feel a little better and the sense of dread that had been bubbling inside of him ease.”Yeah. I’ll get the bags.” He fished in his pocket for his keys. “If…if you want to just go ahead down and I’ll just grab the bags, then here are the keys.” He held them out to her. He wasn’t sure what to say our how to act right now. Walking on eggshells was his best bet, but he wanted to get the fuck out of Nola. Shit always went down here and it was never good shit.
