Nobody's Notes

Writings from Nobody to the internet!

[capm-nobody]

Socializing

It’s tiring putting myself out there. Trying to navigate a conversation can drain me like nothing else. With those closest to me, it’s much less draining than when I try talking to someone new. I know that it’s because I over think things, but more so that I over think things in the wrong way. I was just able to clear the air with someone I work with who intimidates me not because he’s really mean or anything. It was because I believed he thought I was less than competent, and that would in turn lead me to making more mistakes around him compounding that belief in my head.

Thanks to this conversation and others I’ve had recently I’ve been able to: 1) Find these beliefs. 2) Scrutinize them to see if they’re valid (including seeking out those I think about that way when needed). 3) Cut them out of my thought process.

I already feel the difference in how I talk to people. It’s great being able to do so, but honestly I like being by myself most of the time.

In other words, It’s good to be able to fix myself in that way. But being super social is not necessary for me to live my best life.

[nobodys-notes]

“There is no dumb writing”

I told myself this as I erased the title “Writing Prompts.” But that’s hard to say thinking about putting myself out there and writing for an audience. Even if only one person who happens to scroll by my post. The fear that someone might actually read this is fueled by the fear that they will think it’s stupid. That fear is in turn fueled by the fear of rejection from a community. Even though there is no community to be seen. Logically I have a handle on these things.  I have yet to handle it psychologically.  The same goes for my recent foray into twitch streaming. Though there is a certain excitement I feel there that is at odds with the reason I’m doing it. The excitement being the thing that has a tendency to keep those of us who dream fantastical dreams of being able to afford that new seat. I wanted Wednesdays to be the time that I had to venture into new worlds, but honestly I really like just seeing my mind written on a computer screen (I usually translate my thoughts in spoken language in my head). That, and I’m afraid of rejection.

[nobodys-notes]

Ideas

Having ideas is my favorite thing in the world and has been for a very long time. If I could just sit and think up new ideas then test them I would be in heaven. By the way my newest idea is hopefully going to be up on twitch tomorrow. 

There’s a little story I wrote in first or second grade about a kid who was blind, deaf, and couldn’t move. All he could do was think. I thought that would have been awesome. Since then I’ve learned that that wouldn’t be so great, but as a kid who had trouble socializing it was my idea of the best life.

Now I like to stay in my own head for the most part but I also love to explore both our world and the worlds created by minds like Robert Jordan, JRR Tolkien, and JK Rowling. It brings me great pleasure to learn about new things. Whether those new things are ideas or places, the more space to explore the better. In fact I think it’s more that exploration that draws me to ideas. If there is something few have seen or experienced, I am attracted to it.

[nobodys-notes]

There is a lot I enjoy in pop culture. Everything from anime to tv dramas. (try thinking about the opposites in media, everything in media mixes now-a-days in one way or another) Though, what I really want to talk about today is entirely in myself. 

I really enjoy the contrast of feelings. Feeling sad, happy, tired, and invigorating is just fun for me. I love going along with whatever mood I’m in. Sometimes things suck and I love it. In fact, when I first started enjoying it I would only feel sad for a couple minutes, realized it and then get really happy about it. It was annoying at first, then I learned how to ride it out. I know I’m kind of alone on this. Honestly though, I think that’s one of the reason I feel so strongly that way. I like being on the forefront of something, even if I’m alone in it. I know it’s not exactly the best reason of liking something but that’s what my brain rewards me for. The way I look at it though as long as it’s something that helps I’ll let myself latch onto it. If it doesn’t, I let it flow away.

Now that I think about it though a lot of other people might enjoy feeling the full range of I just haven’t found any one else. So I’ll end this one with DAE?

[nobodys-notes]

Halloween

Working on a holiday always sucks. It’s sucks even worse when it’s not a national holiday so you don’t get that sweet extra pay. It’s terrible when you don’t even get to celebrate it much because of dress code. I’m just writing what’s on my mind now because I didn’t sit down to write a story last night. Mostly because I forgot. 

Writing a story seems daunting

Especially one you want haunting

You think and you plan

Of an elusive boogeyman

But in the end you fear only taunting

[nobodys-notes]

Must go on!

I’ve decided that even on days that I feel like total crap I’m going to write something. For today this is it!

[nobodys-notes]

Today is going to be short because this Friday is not very Frivolous.

I’ve watched the first episode of The Chilling Tales of Sabrina. I was instantly hooked. They should use the camera effect in the Wheel of time adaptation. That’s it.

[nobodys-notes]

Waking

“I’ve forgotten your name,” he says, as you start to wake.

“Don’t worry it’ll come to you”

“I’m thinking, it’s right at the edge there,” he says, as you lay there still.

“What do you remember?”

“I can’t make ou- who is that?” he says, as you stare at the corner.

“That’s nothing keep going”

“I’m trying to it’s just about there” he says, as you roll on your side.

“Try remembering of the last place you were”

“I was in my roo- oh that’s right!” I say, as I sit up.

“I finally remember: I’m me!”

[nobodys-notes]

Ace Week!

This week is Asexuality awareness week! It's my first since realizing I am ace.

My journey through asexuality started with incredulity. Not the normal disbelief of not having a sexual orientation, but one of the other most common complaint while looking at asexuality, the nomenclature. The choice of "asexual" turned me off to the whole idea of it. I was young and thought I knew everything, so naturally I thought it was a dumb choice because it already had meaning in the world of science. So that, plus an over active libido made me dismiss asexuality in general in my mind.

...

Though now that I'm really contemplating it I think at that point I recognized that I could relate to some of the things the ace community were talking about.

I was afraid.

At that time, when I first heard about asexuality until I actually looked it up, I was heavily into the idea of marriage. So much so in fact that I just planned to keep my personality malleable so that I would fit my future wife. That made me afraid of becoming asexual and not being able to be that person for my theoretical future wife. I also thought that I couldn't be one at the time because I always wanted to have sex. Luckily, I have since learned that people who are asexual can also like having sex, as well as become comfortable with the fact I may never have a relationship again.

Would I like to have a relationship? Yes, yes I would. Do I NEED one? Not at all.

Before I go into detail about how I found out, I just wanted to bring up some stories of how painfully obvious an ace I was even before I looked into it. The biggest thing was that I didn't really get when people called someone "hot." I also go on dates once every 3 years or so. I have on multiple occasions had leading sexual jokes go right over my head. Especially if they're out of the blue. This last thing is mostly because of my social ineptitude, but I once had a girl, who I had a crush on as it happens, semi-loudly exclaiming to her friend that she was single and looking for people to date. I was the only other person in the room. I got up and left to give them their privacy.

The first thing to prick my aversion bubble was Bojack Horseman. The way they handled Todd coming to the realization wasn't exactly like my own. It was more of the fact that he was my favorite character and in my head it made it an okay thing that was out there.

As time went on I kept up my search for the person I would spend my life with, mostly on Ok Cupid and the like, looking for people that might go on dates with me. I also let extended family know that they could introduce me to people they think I might get along with. That's how I met Jane (I'll call her that for anonymity). My cousin gave me her number and we texted a quite a bit at first. As we were (and maybe a bit before then), it was increasingly apparent to me that maybe a relationship wasn't for me. I let Jane know that's how I was feeling and she told me that she identified as asexual. Because I still had a slight aversion to asexuality and still craved physical intimacy I STILL thought I wasn't.

It wasn't until a little bit later, when I found AVEN, that I finally realized I really don't experience sexual attraction. It's more that sexual situations get me going.

That's how I finally realized I was asexual! A bit anticlimactic. It just goes to show, look it up before you dismiss it. I still kind of have issues with the nomenclature, though I can accept it thanks to the realization of just how much the English language does that.

I need to think of a sign off.

[nobodys-notes]

Dan Harmon

Today will be short. I appreciate  Dan Harmon a lot. His work yes but more importantly just Harmontown. Dan’s a smart, funny, relatable, and most of all honest person so, we get a look into his life from a first person perspective. We go along for the drunken ride through his insecurities, interests, shame, and growth in a way that we don’t often get to see because most people are dishonest if not to others, then to themselves. As a result we have a stagnation of personality growth. I love Dan for his experience, it gives me a great example to draw from if I’m ever in doubt of whether growth in myself is possible.

[nobodys-notes]

Remember to Breathe

Heart beating, blood racing, breath on the brink of catching.  

Breathe

Anxiety flowing through the veins like electric eels. 

Breathe

All the things that could go wrong zipping through your head coming to a crashing halt for you to examine each one by one.

Breathe

Going outside of your comfort zone can be hard but rewarding. 

Breathe

All the things that will go right rising you to the surface.

Breathe

Calm flowing across like a warm summer breeze.

Breathe

Lungs filling, body relaxing, breath beginning to relax.

[nobodys-notes]

Paranoia

The past day or two I’ve been thinking about paranoia a lot.  Mostly because I’ve been listening to the No Sleep Podcast and it has stoked the fire that powers both my paranoia and my creativity.  If creativity is the candy being made then paranoia is the bubbles that pop and can burn you if you’re not careful.  For a while I didn’t realize the connection between the two. I would let my creativity over boil and it would spill over and burn me hard. I would be suspicious of those who were close to me, I would make up events in my head that I thought couldn’t have not happened.  It was especially prevalent when I would catch someone in a lie. In fact it was because I could usually tell when someone was lying when I saw contradictions in their actions that made me think I knew everything further stoking that fire while also blinding me to the fact that I had excess “Make things out of Nothing” built up inside me. I’ve since realized that I don’t know everything and have been able to tell when that creative cauldron is over boiling. The biggest help has been being able to create worlds and characters in my head and in my notebooks.  That’s one of the reasons I started this blog to be able to get these thoughts and ideas online and out into the world.

 Anyway, I need to start writing when I get home from work and not right before I have to go to work because there’s still a lot of thoughts I have on this subject and just don’t have the time to put down right now. Hope you are all having a spooky Fall so far. Let your paranoia run like crazy this season. Just keep it on a leash.

[nobodys-notes]

Misc. Monday

They say that hindsight is 20/20. In thinking about how I interact with other people I’m inclined to believe the ubiquitous “them.”  For I often find myself wanting to say something, saying it, then thinking of all the things I did wrong in that moment. A lot of people can probably relate. I just do it all the time when I talk.  Mostly because reading a situation in the moment is something I have difficulty with. It usually takes me a little to realize how someone might feel in the moment or even if they have finished talking.  So for a while now I have just taking to not talking very much at all. Only at the times I need to or in conversations in which there are little “think breaks” in which I can process. Although my closest friends are easy for me to talk to because I know they accept me for who I am.

Anyway that’s what has been on my mind a bit this week. What about you?

[nobodys-notes]

Frivolous Friday

Fridays are the days that I want to talk about what I like. Not only for the reason that I’ve stated before on this blog, but also because it acts as a nice balance against a lot of the things going on in my life and gives me time to reflect on the things that make me happy.  Today I want to talk about Balance actually, Balance and Amnesty.  If your reading this than you probably already know what I’m going to bring up, if not go look up The Adventure Zone because it’s a trip and a half.

That’s right The Adventure Zone, but more specifically Griffin McElroy’s writing. Griffin has an awe inspiring way of weaving a tale that creates a warm and inviting world filled with depth and thought. One that cuddles you, lulling you in, then hits you in the chest crushing tears from an unwilling throat. Listening to TAZ in public can be a dangerous thing because at anytime the story could make you laugh, cry, laugh again, then break you down completely. Ultimately leading to a barrage of weird glances, worried stares, or the common strange mix of both. 

Griffin has become one of my biggest inspirations as a writer because his mix of world building, lighthearted comedy, and super heavy themes has opened this boy up to new paths of story telling that before had only been given a cursory glance before. 

If you haven’t given The Adventure Zone podcast a listen yet, I urge you, like my brother urged me. Have you listened yet?

[nobodys-notes]

Writing Wednesday

Something in the corner, there

More than just the darkened air

Presence is a palpable thing

Not just a simple feeling

Darkness and fear begin to rise

Into a most unspeakable size

The dreaded thing against the wall?

Procrastination, my spectacular fall.

Don’t procrastinate kids.

[nobodys-notes]

Frivolous Friday

“The Wheel of Time turns, and ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legends fade to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again. In one Age, called the third age by some, an Age yet to come, an age long pass, a wind rose in the Mountains of Mist. The wind was not the beginning. There are neither beginnings or endings to the turning of the Wheel of Time. But it was a beginning.” -Robert Jordan “The Eye of The World”

My friend turned me on to The Wheel of Time Series, it was one of the best things that could have happened in my life. Not just because it’s fantastically well written by Robert Jordan, that it’s performed to perfection by Michael Kramer and Kate Reading, nor that it’s world is rich and immersive, but because it has perspectives that have given me outlooks on life that have helped me see life in a better way (the biggest of which is also the biggest spoiler so much so that when it hit me I had to pause it to process everything because up until that point I was clueless).  This series, which when I started felt dry and thick, has become my favorite series of all time for the aforementioned reasons as well as that when I started my second journey through the books the stuff that felt dry was rich and rewarding. 

If you haven’t yet dived into the world of the Wheel of Time don’t worry. Amazon just announced that they’re picking it up for TV so you’ll be able to experience the adventures of Rand and his friends as they go through the turning of an age. Though I suggest giving it a read or a listen, it’s well worth it.

[nobodys-notes]

Autumn Haiku

Beginning the Fall

Introducing the World to sleep

Start to snuggle Death