Common Red Flags
I want you to imagine the following scenario and the advice that you’d give to the subject - let’s call her Mary. Mary has her 10 year high school reunion coming up, and she is very excited about it. She’s had some success in her career, she’s just closed on a lovely house in a great neighborhood, and she’s got the cutest car imaginable. The only thing that she needs help with is losing the twenty extra pounds she’s put on since high school, and she’s tried almost everything to get rid of it. Finally, she decides to hire a personal trainer.
This trainer barely pays any attention to her; he spends most of his time on the phone texting other customers, only half listens to anything Mary has to say, and after being asked for a meal plan numerous times, sighs, Googles a generic meal plan, and unceremoniously hands it to her. Mary does her best to adhere to the meal plan, but at a birthday party a couple weeks later, she breaks down and has a cupcake. Furious, the trainer tells Mary not to contact him for three days.
I’m sure most of you would be absolutely baffled as to why Mary would pay this trainer a single penny, yet this is exactly the sort of behavior we see out of fake “doms” day in and day out. Many new subs simply don’t know enough to know that this behavior is not only abnormal, but completely unacceptable. The media’s portrayal of these sometimes aloof, sometimes obsessive and controlling “doms” doesn’t provide much in the way of proper context, and these poor submissives are often found by these predators before they’ve had a chance to educate themselves and arm themselves with facts.
Below is a list of some of the most common red flags that I’ve seen, based upon asks and messages that I’ve received, my interactions with the littles and submissives with whom I regularly interact, and asks and comments gleaned from @instructor144 and other blogs. This will not be an all-encompassing list, and my hope is that people will continue to add to the list based on their experiences in order to make it far more comprehensive and complete. I will also attempt to briefly explain why each of these is a red flag, in order to strip away some of the excuses these frauds hide behind.
Instant Familiarity - This is a very, very common one; you begin interacting with a potential dom (or they just burst into your inbox uninvited) and right away, they begin to demand that you call them by some honorific (Sir, Master, etc.). They may also begin making demands of you before you’ve even began having a dialog. Titles and dominance are both things that are earned over time, not some magical birthright to be bestowed upon whatever hapless idiot decides that they are the next Christian Grey.
Being Overly Sexual - Look, I get it, sex is fun for most people. We spend a considerable amount of our time and energy seeking out people who will play with our fun bits and who will mash theirs against ours. It’s a biological imperative and a pretty good time to boot. That being said, when you’re just beginning a conversation with a new “dom” or “daddy” or whatever title you’re discussing, you don’t want someone who’s only interested in bumping uglies if you’re wanting it to be more than just a hookup.
Being Demanding - I’m not talking about simply being “needy” because there are times when I brush up against, and am almost adjacent to, that particular adjective. I’m talking about the kind of jerk who insists that you do things that are unsafe, unwise, or that go against your values. He may demand nudes with your face in them, or for you to expose yourself in public places or perform lewd acts with animals (hopefully those are pretty easy red flags to spot), but he may also just carry on like a spoiled child. Either way, that is not what dominance is about.
Being Secretive - I’m not saying that every dom needs to send you a photocopy of his driver’s license, social security card, passport, birth certificate, full credit report and criminal background check right off the bat, but also, I’m not gonna say that some of those aren’t good ideas. In the past, I HAVE actually provided a copy of my criminal background check (squeaky clean) and my driver’s license information. You really need to know who you’re dealing with, and full name, date of birth, address, employer, job title, vehicle description and license plate number are not all unreasonable things to have going into your first meeting. In addition, if they are not open about their home life, they’re most likely married. If they don’t tell people about you online (after you’re supposed to be committed), it’s usually because they’re talking to other people. Discretion is a good thing, secrecy is not. You need to know the difference.
Being Degrading - I’ve touched on this one before, but under the right circumstances, a little degradation and humiliation can be sexy as hell. The thing is, those circumstances are after you’ve discussed it and given the okay for it, not right out the gate. If he’s tossing out phrases like “whore” and “slut” before you’ve so much as discussed his preference for Mexican or Chinese food, throw that one back.
Cutting Off Communication - This one is so common and it is one of the ones that drives me the most crazy. Here you are, supposedly this person’s most prized and cherished possession, the one he wants to nurture and support and help grow… and he’s going to disappear for days or weeks at a time? Nope. Fuck that. If you have an argument and he needs to calm down for a little bit so he doesn’t say something hurtful, that’s one thing. You set a reasonable time to reconvene and he goes and cools off. But some of these guys either disappear without a trace or go off for days as “punishment” - not cool. If he’s got a work thing and is going to be busy, he lets you know when he’ll be available beforehand, not leave you wondering when you’ll hear from him again. It’s called responsibility.
Wanting To Punish You/Wanting You To Break Rules - I want to be very clear with this one, I’m not talking about as a form of play like, “You’ve been a very naughty girl. I’m going to put you over my knee and teach you a lesson.” That’s the sort of thing that is usually fun for both people and that ends with some very satisfied kinksters when it’s over. I’m talking about the ones that get a glint in their eyes every time they catch you in some minor infraction and delight in handing out the most severe, draconian punishments they can think of. Unfortunately, abusers are drawn to BDSM because it’s often seen as acceptable and okay to hit people - but it is not done willy-nilly and it is never done without discussion beforehand. To that end, let me add…
Extreme Punishments - Not every punishment is discussed well in advance. There are some that are created to fit the particular infraction, but these punishments need to be reasonable. Not only do they have to make sense given the circumstances, but they have to be designed to achieve a particular result beyond, “I’m going to hurt you a lot”. This is abuse, pure and simple, and it is usually being hidden under the guise of impact play.
Ignoring/Pushing Your Hard Limits - When you are discussing the terms of your dynamic, hopefully you are setting up a list of things that are “hard limits” for both of you - things that are completely and totally off-limits no matter what. If you’re setting out hard limits and he scoffs and says something like, “Well, we’ll come back to that” or “We’ll work on that”, be afraid. Your hard limits are not something to try to work around or push you past, they are supposed to be firm and immutable. If he can’t respect your hard limits, he can’t respect you.
Refusing/Ignoring Your Safeword - Any time someone denies you a safeword, no matter what excuse they use, you should walk away. Period. I don’t care how much experience they claim to have, how many subs they’ve had, or how well they say you know each other. I don’t care if this guy can sit there and recite every sentence you’re going to say throughout an entire day - he cannot read your mind. He can’t see everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling. This nonsense about, “You need to trust me to know when you’ve had enough” is all ego-driven bullshit that will get someone hurt eventually. If you try to safeword and they refuse to stop, that’s rape and/or abuse. Period. There is no other way to put it.
Isolating You From Friends and Family - This is a textbook abuser technique and if it doesn’t seen a thousand bright red flares shooting off into the sky, then it should. You should always have the ability to visit your friends and family. You are a person with agency, and you may surrender some of your freedom to your dom in exchange for structure, but you do not hand over your humanity. Anyone who would deny you this is someone you need to be very wary of.
Demanding That You Change - Listen, nobody’s perfect, and we all have things that we would like to help our partner improve upon. That part is completely normal, and there’s a healthy way to approach this. That’s not what I’m talking about here. The, “You’re great, but if you don’t lose weight/change your hair color/learn to be bisexual/(insert dumbass demand here), then I’m going to have to let you go.” That bullshit needs to be turned out, put down, and left to rot in the sun. If they can’t accept you as you are and work with you to improve the things that you’d like to improve, then they aren’t deserving of your time and energy.
Gaslighting - I’m not referring to it in the kink form (although that’s one thing that I really, really don’t get as a kink - more power to you folks, but wow), but in it’s natural state in the wild. The type of thing where, when you bring up a concern, they tell you that you’re making it up, blowing it out of proportion, that you’re wrong to feel that way about it, etc. This is abusive, manipulative behavior and the sooner you see it and get away, the better off you’re going to be.
These are some of the more common things that we see, and I know there are tons and tons of others. The bottom line, if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t right. Learn to develop your instincts and trust your gut. If you’re feeling uneasy or like someone shouldn’t be trusted, take heed. It’s far better to walk away from a potential dom that gave off a weird vibe than to allow yourself to be hurt by one just because you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Educate yourself, play it safe, and take things slow.
