Independently Happy

I'm Haleigh. Psych patient turned psych nurse. A walking contradiction.

[thesewordsarelife]

— Charles Bukowski, “fate”

[greencreekwolf]

i already have a job and it's called keeping myself alive. why do i have to be employed on top of that

[nomadic-egg]

I have officially been in a relationship for a month. I NEVER thought I would do this again but I am so glad I did. I gave up on that part of my life and I didn’t realize it was slowly suffocating me. I had no hope for a meaningful future. My plans were to live until mom dies and that would be it. Now there may potentially be more. I don’t feel stagnant. This is different. I’ve done this several times but this isn’t the same. There is no stress. There is no pressure of considering housing or kids. We are both adults and have our own careers and own our own homes. We are indifferent on kids, especially considering that we are older. I’m not trying to fit him into my life, he just fits. I am being 10000% authentically myself. I’m not forcing anything. I’ve never done that before. I would always want something to work so badly (especially in the beginning) that I would shave off parts of myself to make it work. I’m not doing that.

[nomadic-egg]

“I may not have coordination but I have brains”

-me

After drunkingly dropping hundreds of craft beads on my bedroom floor

[depsidase]

[paper-wounds]

“If I Am Killed For Simply Living” — Althea Davis

[theconcealedweapon]

[nomadic-egg]

Me standing right at the edge of my driveway, right at the cusp of the cul de sac.

[nomadic-egg]

Update:

So I went on my date and I really, REALLY liked him.

Our work schedules are both crazy (he is a night shift nurse too) so we haven’t had our second date yet but it is planned!

Of course my very exhausted brain has me convinced I don’t like him but today was the first day in 4 days that I’ve had energy and now I like him again?!?!?

But those days that I have been tired are days that I have told everyone close to me that it isn’t going to work out. THIS IS WHAT I DO. I like you and then I don’t. I want to live with you and then I don’t. I want to marry you and then I don’t. It takes an extremely stubborn and confident man to ride all of my waves but the confident guys are always the guys I HATE.

Send help. Do I pursue this? As I’m exhausted 85% of the time and that is what ruins my relationships but I promise I’m good the other 15% of the time.

-a chronic fiancée but never the bride

[nomadic-egg]

My friends are convinced they found my soul mate.

I am texting him but I have been alone for so long and enjoy my space so this is very difficult. Small talk is tough but that’s how it starts.

[depsidase]

[nomadic-egg]

Tomorrow I have work and one of the new admits is a Facebook friend who I was in the hospital with eons ago.

[nomadic-egg]

Even in his psychosis he recognized me.

In front of all of my coworkers he thanked me for helping him get through that difficult time. I thanked him back.

He admit to me that he didn’t think that I would survive.

Here I am, surviving. No longer the patient.

[nomadic-egg]

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss you

I miss my favorite person.

[nomadic-egg]

Tomorrow I have work and one of the new admits is a Facebook friend who I was in the hospital with eons ago.

[nomadic-egg]

She was such a light

[nomadic-egg]

I have been thinking about my aunt a lot recently. It is almost one year since I lost her. I want her back. Her oldest son has done her memory so wrong and it brings an anguish inside of me. If only we had one more day before she fell into her coma… life would be so different.

She doesn’t even have a headstone yet because he won’t give us the money from her estate to do so. I don’t even care about my portion anymore. She deserves a fucking headstone.

[notesofseptember]

Trees turn grey and the land turns brown

[nomadic-egg]

And I am changing, becoming something else

A creature of longing, tending only to myself

Licking my wounds, burrowing down

In a house in the woods on the edge of town

Well, healing is slow, it comes and it goes

A glimpse of the sun, then a flurry of snow

The first green shoots and a sudden frost

Oh, something's gained when something's lost

The rot and the ruin, the earth and the worms

The seasons change, the world turns

The world turns

[nomadic-egg]

And just like that my mood and desire to be on this planet has plummeted again.

I was in good spirits until I came home from caring for my grandfather and uncle. My mom wanted me to go to the car wash with her because she doesn’t know how to use the automatic car wash and apparently that is yet another thing that is too difficult for her to attempt the figure out herself (put the money, press the buttons, drive in, park). My house is a disaster. My mom does not clean. She never had. My house growing up was embarrassing and I would tell all of my friends that I was grounded every weekend so that they wouldn’t want to come over.

I told her to go to the car wash herself because the house seriously needed to be cleaned. She got mad. She had a phone conversation with my sister where they basically trash talked me. I went upstairs, determined to push on, and decided that I was going to finally hang some pictures and stuff on my bedroom walls. I was the bigger person and cheerfully asked my mom to come upstairs and give me her opinion on where the best place was to hang things. We decided on a spot and I started hanging them. She stopped me because she thought that I was hanging the object off of the mark we created. I told her it was correct and she yelled at me. I told her to come and check it for herself if she didn’t believe me. She got nasty. She said that this is why nobody wants to help me with anything. I don’t ask anyone for help with anything. This was the first thing I asked for help with. If I need help with something, I literally find groups on facebook and pay a stranger to help me. I pay every single bill for the house that my mother lives in. I pay for her phone. I pay for the ring subscription for the camera I bought after someone broke in my grandfather’s house. I pay her father’s cable and internet bill. Cash is very tight for me but I never ask her for a penny.

I responded to her comment by pointing out the above things and reminded her that she asks for help with everything because she is too afraid to try and figure out things for herself. She stormed out and slammed my door. I told her that she should move out. I genuinely mean it.

When my dad died, I suddenly stopped wanting to end my life. My entire purpose for living became to help my mom and she took advantage of it. I cared for her sister, I care for her father, and now I’m being asked to help her brother while being constantly reminded that my sister who lives in Florida is socially her favorite daughter.

I don’t have a partner or children. How could I? Who wants to take this on? Nobody. And I wouldn’t let them anyway.

I thought my dad dying saved my life by giving me a purpose but now it is slowly killing me.

I have shown MASSIVE improvements in dealing with my mental health struggles. I am really proud of that but everyone has a breaking point and I fear that I may be pushed to it.