Every Month is Nonbinary Wrath Month

On this blog I tell non-binary people to get angrier, louder, and prouder, among other things. Reject the gender binary today and get 35% off your next order. T(E)RFs and transmeds need not apply. My pronouns are anything except she/her and I am over the age of 18.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

My name is Ridley. I am non-binary. This blog primarily exists for me to discuss my experience with being non-binary and transgender, to encourage other non-binary people to stand up for themselves, and to explore feminism through a non-binary and transgender lens.

I believe that the sex-gender binary is an oppressive force that keeps us from understanding ourselves and from understanding the so-called "opposite" gender. Additionally, I do not believe that there are any significant innate differences between "men" and "women". Gender essentialism, misogyny, transphobia (including transmisogyny and transandrophobia), and exorsexism will not be tolerated here.

As an individual, I use any pronouns except she/her (neopronouns and it/its included), and I do not enjoy being referred to with gendered terms. Outside of the subject of gender, I am (we are) an endogenic nonhuman-heavy plural system, a horror writer, a sci-fi worldbuilder and nerd, a lover of video games, and an owner of an IKEA octopus (I prefer it to the shark). I am over the age of 18, so at times my posts may be R-rated. Consider this your only warning.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

This is more of a personal tidbit than it is anything else, but lately I was thinking about the idea of everyone having a "masculine side" and a "feminine side", and I can't say that I relate to it at all. I think the idea works significantly better for people who repress the gendered elements of themselves that they view as improper, so for them their "[gender] sides" really have become discrete parts of them. But there is no divide within me between the traits of me that people call "feminine" and the traits of me that people call "masculine". They have always been united. Other people just insisted that they were part of two completely separate boxes, and that I am supposed to believe that my liking pink is diametrically opposed to my liking three-piece suits. It's bizarre when you think about it. I don't believe in enforcing the gender binary on others, so why would I enforce the gender binary within myself?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

I said the other day that I believe the traits of "femininity" and "masculinity" are essentially arbitrary, ever-changing, and not inherently associated with each other in any way. I have to admit that my conviction about this is partially motivated by my own personal view of my gender expression. It is not a contradiction for me to put flowers in my hair when I wear a tux. I selected what I liked from each gender like they were toy catalogues, because that is the most accurate expression of who I am. Why do I have to subscribe to one and pretend to have an adversarial relationship with the other? Femininity and masculinity are constructs we built, and let it be known that I am leaving the buildings. Let's not ascribe more value to these things than necessary.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

This is more of a personal tidbit than it is anything else, but lately I was thinking about the idea of everyone having a "masculine side" and a "feminine side", and I can't say that I relate to it at all. I think the idea works significantly better for people who repress the gendered elements of themselves that they view as improper, so for them their "[gender] sides" really have become discrete parts of them. But there is no divide within me between the traits of me that people call "feminine" and the traits of me that people call "masculine". They have always been united. Other people just insisted that they were part of two completely separate boxes, and that I am supposed to believe that my liking pink is diametrically opposed to my liking three-piece suits. It's bizarre when you think about it. I don't believe in enforcing the gender binary on others, so why would I enforce the gender binary within myself?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

This is perhaps an ironic thing for a (member of a) plural system to say. Although, I've (we've) never conceptualised ourselves as being parts of a divided self; it is more so that we are many selves that developed concurrently. And 99% of us turned out non-binary in the end, so I suppose none of us were ever convinced of the sanctity of the gender binary to begin with.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

This is more of a personal tidbit than it is anything else, but lately I was thinking about the idea of everyone having a "masculine side" and a "feminine side", and I can't say that I relate to it at all. I think the idea works significantly better for people who repress the gendered elements of themselves that they view as improper, so for them their "[gender] sides" really have become discrete parts of them. But there is no divide within me between the traits of me that people call "feminine" and the traits of me that people call "masculine". They have always been united. Other people just insisted that they were part of two completely separate boxes, and that I am supposed to believe that my liking pink is diametrically opposed to my liking three-piece suits. It's bizarre when you think about it. I don't believe in enforcing the gender binary on others, so why would I enforce the gender binary within myself?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

We will be cooked as long as there are any feminists who believe that a child seeing somebody's tits before the age of 18 is tantamount to rape, and therefore only my cis brother can take his shirt off at the beach, because if I do, I will scar some 9-year-old for life. This level of prudishness is unbelievable to me. It's "we want gender egalitarianism and body autonomy!" until I use my body autonomy, and then everyone wants me to know that my body is inappropriate for children and that it is immoral for me not to accommodate their obsession with these completely non-sexual organs of mine. Can we please get our shit together?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

There's so much moaning and screaming about how scandalous it is for people to walk around with their tits out, and yet none of these people approve of my plans to get a double mastectomy. These people refused to let me not have them, but now they're incensed that I have them. What a great system we've built here. I just adore living in a world where people think my body belongs to everybody except me.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

We will be cooked as long as there are any feminists who believe that a child seeing somebody's tits before the age of 18 is tantamount to rape, and therefore only my cis brother can take his shirt off at the beach, because if I do, I will scar some 9-year-old for life. This level of prudishness is unbelievable to me. It's "we want gender egalitarianism and body autonomy!" until I use my body autonomy, and then everyone wants me to know that my body is inappropriate for children and that it is immoral for me not to accommodate their obsession with these completely non-sexual organs of mine. Can we please get our shit together?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

To say that masculinity is a flawed construct that inflicts serious psychological damage to many in its current state is true. To say that femininity in comparison is liberatory and pure and the "superior option" for most or all of the people on the planet is nuclear cope. Just weapons-grade ideological myopia. Please put the phone down and only return to the conversation when you can deepen your analysis beyond "this thing is evil because it makes me personally feel bad, and this thing is pure because it makes me personally feel good".

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

Personally, I think we should stop reifying masculinity and femininity. By that, I mean that I cannot accept the premise that it is possible to "fail" at being a gender if one does not fulfill a certain standard of masculinity or femininity. I cannot accept that premise when the standard to "succeed" at being a man or a woman involves traits that aren't intrinsically related to one another whatsoever (what, exactly, do "being generous", "liking pink", and "wanting large breasts" have in common?), and these traits change so constantly that they are unrecognisable from what they looked like 100 years ago-- and yet I am supposed to believe that women have an "innate femininity" and men have an "innate masculinity". And I especially cannot accept that premise when this standard includes traits that are negative in all people (e.g. being dimwitted is expected of women; being emotionally constipated is expected of men).

There's nothing innate about femininity or masculinity. They are social constructs, and because of that, they should be shaped to serve us. Do you think they serve us now? I don't think so. I don't think I need to explain to an audience of trans and non-binary people that there are many, many people in the world who face the consequences of "failing" to fulfill their socially prescribed gender. And there are many people who slice off bits of their soul to fit themselves into the box of their gender, whether socially prescribed or independently declared. I don't believe that's right. The bar to clear to become a gender should be declaring oneself a member of that gender, and nothing else; otherwise, there will be people who have to choose between their gender and their self. This does not mean that, given the choice, a person should not be allowed to choose to perform most of the standards (save the ones that are actively detrimental, such as inflicting violence on others) attributed to masculinity or femininity. But it does mean that if a person does choose to do those things ("be hyper-feminine/-masculine"), it is done freely, and it is done for the sole and only purpose of expressing oneself, not to conform to a standard. And if a man chooses not to be masculine in any way whatsoever, it has zero bearing on their manhood, and the same is true for women.

Given all this, it should not be a surprise that I find "masculinity is evil and icky, but femininity is pure and awesome for everybody!" to be an exceptionally shallow take. Masculinity and femininity have the exact same root problem. They are the twin enforcement mechanisms for the sex-gender binary. Both of them demand that everyone chops off bits of themselves. Both of them involve encouraging people to take on negative traits that will backfire on them in the long run. Femininity is absolutely, definitely not immune to these things. If you have decided to embrace who you really are inside, and that version of yourself closely aligns with what we call "femininity", then that is great. I don't mean that sarcastically; I want everyone on the planet to do exactly the same kind of self-reflection you did. But that does not mean that you can extrapolate your positive experience with these traits to the rest of the population. If you agree with me that gender should be self-declared and that its expression should be personally defined rather than forced upon people, then you will have to accept that other peoples' gender and gender expression will look nothing like yours, and that that has no bearing on their character.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

To say that masculinity is a flawed construct that inflicts serious psychological damage to many in its current state is true. To say that femininity in comparison is liberatory and pure and the "superior option" for most or all of the people on the planet is nuclear cope. Just weapons-grade ideological myopia. Please put the phone down and only return to the conversation when you can deepen your analysis beyond "this thing is evil because it makes me personally feel bad, and this thing is pure because it makes me personally feel good".

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The performative disgust that many ostensibly trans-friendly people have for tdicks is just a lefty version of conservatives' disgust for vulvas tacked onto the idea that testosterone downgrades and mutilates the bodies of those trans people who take it willingly.

"Tdicks are hideous and revolting and unhygienic and destructive to your sex life and nobody actually wants one and nobody's actually attracted to them and are you really really really sure you want to make yourself unfuckable and undesirable to me to alter your genitals so drastically--" You are the weakest link.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

Some of you still believe very strongly that everyone who has ever been forced into femalehood by patriarchy ought to be pretty, feminine, and fuckable according to patriarchal beauty standards, and that to choose otherwise is to spiritually degrade oneself. And I can tell you all still think that, because the primary objection people seem to have with trans people on T is that T will supposedly make one "ugly". That it will turn you from a delicate fairy into a hideous, smelly ape possessed by your libido, and you don't want that, do you? (The implication: It's wrong to want that, because then patriarchal cis men won't want to fuck you, and you're supposed to want to be their fucktoys!)

There is no place where this is more obvious than when people talk about tdicks. Tdicks are not disgusting or unhygienic or dysfunctional. They look totally unremarkable and can be cleaned just fine. But they're not what "ought" to be there according to patriarchy. Now there is a very tangible (and phallic) reminder that transition cannot be undone and that this person is not interested in being a walking hole and nothing else.

So patriarchy punishes these individuals in the way it is used to punishing people it wants to keep subordinate: by slamming the "ugly, ugly, ugly" button. This takes very little adjustment; it already believes that the vulva is disgusting and that is why it makes one inferior. So they tweak one parameter and say: tdicks are ugly. Tdicks are sickening, nauseating, foul to behold and foul to smell and foul to penetrate with and foul to have. A self-respecting female trans person would never want something so gross, so mutilated, so ugly, ugly, ugly. And that is why these trans people are bad.

Needless to say I am not amused by self-proclaimed feminists who hold their noses and announce how horrified they are to the world when somebody brings up tdicks. Part of that is because I expect feminists to be able to hold a conversation about sex and genitalia without gagging. But part of that is because this is the consequence of letting personal disgust dictate your politics. If what you are disgusted by dictates your politics, then not only are you acting not on principles but kneejerk reflexes, but you are also allowing the society around you to dictate your morality via dictating what you are disgusted by. What you are disgusted by is not innate. Somebody told you that T makes these trans people ugly and that this ugliness gives you a free pass to degrade them and their genitalia and their transition. Who told you that? And why did you believe them?

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The performative disgust that many ostensibly trans-friendly people have for tdicks is just a lefty version of conservatives' disgust for vulvas tacked onto the idea that testosterone downgrades and mutilates the bodies of those trans people who take it willingly.

"Tdicks are hideous and revolting and unhygienic and destructive to your sex life and nobody actually wants one and nobody's actually attracted to them and are you really really really sure you want to make yourself unfuckable and undesirable to me to alter your genitals so drastically--" You are the weakest link.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

And to be clear, I don't have an issue if an individual person is hesitant about taking T for themselves because it causes clitoral growth. But the following are all true:

If you are considering taking T and your primary problem with it is that it will cause clitoral growth, I would strongly suggest taking a look at pictures of what tdicks actually look like. See point A: the disgust people have for them is largely performative and exaggerated, and most of it comes from people who are not trans people on T. If you have already done this, I would also consider the fact that if every other effect of T sounds great to you, the chances are good that clitoral growth will not bother you once it actually happens to you, and that in fact it may feel normal and unremarkable. If you've already considered that and decided T is not for you, then I respect your decision and trust that it is the best choice for you, and I also expect you to respect mine.

If you do not have a tdick, do not want a tdick, and have never had getting a tdick in your cards, your personal distaste for tdicks is not something I need you to lecture me about.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The performative disgust that many ostensibly trans-friendly people have for tdicks is just a lefty version of conservatives' disgust for vulvas tacked onto the idea that testosterone downgrades and mutilates the bodies of those trans people who take it willingly.

"Tdicks are hideous and revolting and unhygienic and destructive to your sex life and nobody actually wants one and nobody's actually attracted to them and are you really really really sure you want to make yourself unfuckable and undesirable to me to alter your genitals so drastically--" You are the weakest link.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

Conservative misogynists: Women are dumb and irritating. Their brains are poisoned by their hormones. The art they make is shallow and silly, their political theory is not worth taking seriously, and they're constantly whining and being drama queens about their stupid problems. They need to shut up and realise they don't belong in leadership positions.

Leftist "transfeminists" (so-called): Trans people AFAB are dumb and irritating. Their brains are poisoned by their hormones. The art they make is shallow and silly, their political theory is not worth taking seriously, and they're constantly whining and being drama queens about their stupid problems. They need to shut up and realise they shouldn't be leading our movement.

It's a match made in heaven! I ship it ❤️

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The reason why so many of y'all's feminism sucks is because you still believe deep down in your hearts that there are only two kinds of people in the world: precious, ethereal, fragile dollthings called "women", and violent, lustful, rage-fueled apes called "men". Until you throw that idea away, 3rd-grade-tier "girls rule boys drool, girls are princesses and boys are stinky :(" is as feminist as we'll ever get-- and I hope it's obvious that that's lightyears away from the bare minimum of where we need to be.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

I don't know how I'm supposed to explain to ostensibly trans-friendly feminists that "women are beautiful soft things made of glass, men are obsessed with violence and sex" is exactly what the patriarchy wants you to believe. Patriarchy wants you to believe that being a woman and/or having a vagina (patriarchy generally believes those two things are synonymous) makes one shatter on impact with reality. It makes you easier to control if you are scared shitless of the other half of the population, and it makes you more compliant with your lot in life if you believe it is in the nature of the other half of the population to rape and kill rather than realise those were choices those individual rapists and murderers made. There is no way to make gender essentialism progressive and feminist, because it is one of patriarchy's tools of subjugation. Stop trying to make it progressive.

And I can scream all of that from the rooftops over and over again, and what I hear in reply is "Trans men really are men because no woman would ever decide to become an inherently evil repugnant rapist ape", and "You're so right. Trans women are women because they too are pretty delicate little objects I can fuck", and "You're non-binary? So are you fucktoy non-binary or sexpest non-binary?", and my patience runs ever thinner.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The reason why so many of y'all's feminism sucks is because you still believe deep down in your hearts that there are only two kinds of people in the world: precious, ethereal, fragile dollthings called "women", and violent, lustful, rage-fueled apes called "men". Until you throw that idea away, 3rd-grade-tier "girls rule boys drool, girls are princesses and boys are stinky :(" is as feminist as we'll ever get-- and I hope it's obvious that that's lightyears away from the bare minimum of where we need to be.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

The thing about my nonbinarity, and about the nonbinarity of many others, is that I am neither transitioning for the primary purpose of appearing androgynous or "neutral", nor am I transitioning for the primary purpose of becoming masculine or feminine. I am transitioning to look like me.

It so happens that I am surrounded by a society that attributes certain traits of me to one gender or another and judges me accordingly. But I detest that classification, and the fact that I possess some similarities to one or the other of the boxes does not mean I want someone to put me in one and tell me that the walls of that box are the limits of what I am allowed to be. I reject the premise that "masculinity" and "femininity" are packages bought wholesale that are innate to your being. I reject the premise that I have to shove myself into a label. My primary label is that I am me; everything else is secondary, is an approximation for the sake of others. That is what I need others to understand.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

When I was a kid, and I went through the wrong puberty, I felt like I had been inflicted with a bizarre transformation curse. I don't remember the date of my first period or when my breasts grew in. All I remember is that one day I was flat-chested and could safely ignore what was between my legs, and the next day my mother was bringing me to visit Victoria's Secret and my sheets were stained with blood. It was like my body was possessed by a weeping angel-- I blinked, and everything about my body changed in the second my eyes were off of it. I think I was dissociating too hard to process it in the moment.

Before that, I didn't mind being a little girl so much. I didn't much enjoy being little, but little girls are not so different from little boys, except that I was taller than all of my male peers and you had better believe I was lording it over them, so the gender part did not bother me significantly. My dysphoria made itself fully known to me when my mother sat me down to explain to me that my body was going to change in a whole lot of ways that ranged from "I'm not thrilled about this" to "This is horrible and disgusting". When she told me about menstruation, I remember asking her, "How long will I have to deal with that?", and she said, "Something like forty, fifty years." I shouted, "Fifty YEARS?!?!" and promptly burst into inconsolable bawling.

All I could think then, and for many years afterward, was that I would so much rather have picked the other puberty. To me it seemed obvious and indisputable that testosterone puberty was the better option in every way. Nothing about estrogen puberty excited me and much of it revolted me. I dissociated from it and ignored it and dragged it along with me like mental deadweight. It took me until I was 13 for me to realise that most girls do not feel that estrogen puberty is a cosmic injustice inflicted against them personally, and that "I'd rather have gone through testosterone puberty; it's so much better anyway" is not a common thought among girls. That, in reality, half of the population vehemently disagreed with me, and the fact that I wasn't in that half of the population meant that I had some questions to ask myself. Once I realised this, the conclusion that I was non-binary was obvious, and took no time at all to come to terms with.

I am still angry that I was not able to access testosterone HRT in a timely enough manner to avoid my body being twisted into something so unlike me. But now that I am on HRT, my body changes in ways that don't feel tyrannical, that don't feel like a sick joke. It feels like a course correction. For once, when I see new changes with my body, I feel right. Even the things I didn't think I would enjoy bring me a sense of alignment with my body. I had no idea I could feel that way about my body. I consider it a gift primarily to my younger selves, all of whom still live within me, who had to watch their body betray them and who now get to feel something they always should have been able to experience.

The moral of the story? Thank God for testosterone. Thank God for HRT of any kind. They are miracle drugs. I cannot wait to see what my body will become next.

[nonbinary-wrath-month]

How it feels to respond to the doctor asking "When was your last menstrual period?" with "2023"