Post TFA MegOp but make It funnyÂ
Some time after the events of Season 3, the Autobots and Decepticons come to the unfortunate conclusion that they need to put an end to the war and at least try to cooperate.
In practice, this turns out to be much harder than it sounds. The centuries-long divide between their factions has left very noticeable marks and created a hell of a lot of problems even in everyday communication, not to mention official meetings where every rule and norm must be followed to avoid accidentally sparking another conflict due to ignorance of certain things.
No one bothered to learn even the basic etiquette of the opposing side — and why would they, when for the past few centuries all their interactions boiled down to “hit harder and run.”
Unfortunately, in peacetime this led to a hell of a lot of mishaps and misunderstandings.
One of the most iconic incidents nearly restarted the war. Lord Megatron decided it would be fun to mock the loudmouthed idiot playing the role of Magnus and to provoke that little Prime who had nearly smashed his head in with a hammer.
So he decided to present the latter with a ceremonial weapon in front of the former, even preparing a speech about how the tiny Prime was “a true warrior worthy of his Energon…” Of course, he knew that the red-and-blue nuisance would never willingly accept even a cube of Energon from him, let alone such a gift. But Prime couldn’t refuse, especially if it was done publicly. Which meant he’d be forced to grit his teeth, thank Megatron for the gift, and accept it.
So, Megs ordered someone to find him some useless but presentable junk, come up with a backstory, and deliver it no later than the next round of negotiations with the Autobots. He assigned all this to Shockwave, who gave him a suspicious look.
Megatron really should’ve paid more attention to that look and to the question of whether he was sure about what he was doing.
When the moment came, Megatron went all in. The speech, the pompous presentation of the gift - everything was perfectly in his style. But after he finished and looked smugly at the target of his mockery, expecting a quiet (or not-so-quiet) meltdown, all he got was a room full of shocked Autobots, Magnus having a seizure somewhere under the table, and the little Prime staring at him with a rather unimpressed look, like he was watching misbehaving cadets.
Definitely not the reaction he was expecting.
The room was silent. Somewhere under the table came the sound of nervous giggling and creaking. The little Prime sighed heavily — Megatron could physically feel how much effort it took him not to roll his optics — and then crossed his arms and muttered a flat, “No.”
“Excuse me?” Megatron was already poised to deliver yet another prewritten speech about disrespect and the Autobots’ refusal to honor the Decepticons’ attempt at peace. But again came the word: “No.”
Optimus glanced aside — behind Megatron stood Shockwave. Then he looked back at Megatron, tiredly, sighed heavily, and asked:
“Are you trying to court me, Lord Megatron?”
Oh, slag. That was definitely not the question he’d expected. But the esteemed warlord quickly pulled himself together, and a sly, barely disguised polite smile appeared on his face. Oh, he knew his charisma, intellect not to mention his divine appearance — could captivate the spark and mind of even someone like Optimus Prime. But he had to dispel the illusions of this naive fool before he got any more ridiculous ideas into his head. Hm, this was even more interesting than he’d imagined. Something to reminisce about over a fine glass of energon while gazing at the endless, cold cosmos on a dull evening.
Megatron had already pictured Prime barely holding back despair on his sweet little face, his large optics growing wider with sorrow, and one juicy lip bitten hard in an attempt to suppress inner torment.
“Honorable Prime is certainly a distinguished warrior, but you’re neither to my taste nor, of course, in line with our current situation. I would never allow myself to behave in such a manner…”
In the background: “How dare this unworthy even think that the glorious…” Then a loud smack, and silence. Praise the Allspark for Shockwave.
Optimus smiles at him. That same smile that usually precedes some kind of disaster.
“Oh, I was starting to think I hit you too hard on the head last time. Good. Then I suppose the misunderstanding is cleared up and we can return to current matters.”
Optimus pats him on the shoulder, takes his sword, and leaves the hall. Behind him walks the old medic, who doesn’t even try to hide his strangely smug yet simultaneously deadly gaze, along with a swarm of bugs Megatron doesn’t remember but who now make up Prime’s current “entourage.” The only one who stands out is the new head of intelligence — a cyber-ninja who replaced Shockwave.
When only the Decepticons remained in the hall, Megatron turned to Shockwave.
It seemed his loyal servant was willing to do anything — anything but what was required of him this time. The only sign of his unease was the faint trembling of his antennae. Megatron narrowed his optics. Shockwave thawed, bowed solemnly.
“You see, my lord. The Autobots have a rather complex courtship system. It begins with a gift. But the type of gift depends on the status, profession, and lineage of the potential partner. And the sword you so recklessly chose to present to Optimus Prime… happened to meet all the criteria in this particular case.”
Megatron nearly laughed. The Autobot society was so poisoned by functionalist propaganda that even something as personal as courtship was strictly regulated...Wait.
Megatron’s optics flared red, steam hissed from his mouth. He looked at Shockwave again, more intently.
“So I gave him something that met all the requirements… and he rejected me?”
“My lord, but you didn’t...”
“The glorious Lord Megatron deserves a better match than that pitiful...”
“That’s not the point! He rejected me. He thinks me! Me, Lord Megatron, Master of the Decepticons — unworthy of a match!”
“My lord, I don’t believe it’s about...”
Megatron straightened to his full height, his posture radiating confidence.
“I want to know everything about Autobot courtship customs. I will show that Prime!”
Megatron chose to ignore the tone — full of reproach, disbelief, and quiet despair.
