nosillarain

personal art based on bisexuality, feminism, neurodivergence and life

[nosillarain]

be proud of me please

please, just be proud of me

[nosillarain]

my choice

It started inconspicuously just an average conversation about I don't remember And then we shifted And you told me you wouldn't let me

You wouldn't let me handle my body, my life the way I want to Because how could I believe I had a right to my body when there is a future grandmother waiting for a grandbaby

You told me that you would hide me away that you would force me to keep it, by force if you had to to prevent me taking ownership of my body for when I am with a child I don't want

I told you I could not do it that years of chronic pain have taken their toll that it would kill me and that there is no way I could forgive myself If I did that to myself

I told you that no one would want me to be a mother Those years of mental pain and suffering have taken their toll That there is not enough therapy for me to make sure a child could be happy with me that I would inevitably cause that child the same pain you caused me and I wouldn't want that for my potential offspring

I told you that I cannot bring a child into this world that is so full of hate and does not accept anyone different that this child would suffer once the sun burns us all that it would endure a pain unknown to my generation because we don't know yet what is still to come

But shouldn't it be enough that I don't want it? Do you hate me enough to want to force this violence on me? That you would say something so hateful towards your daughter, it questions every lovable gesture I have experienced from you?

It is my life, not yours. It is my body, not yours. It would be my child, not yours. And it would be my child first, before it becomes your grandchild. So you threatening violence against me just means you are not the mother I had always hoped you would be.

[nosillarain]

about having children

I always thought I was selfish for not wanting children That I was doing a disservice if I didn't have them A disservice to whom? I quickly learned about climate change and how living gets harder for everyone on this planet Do I really want to put a child on this earth that hopefully will outlive me and then have to deal with an earth that I myself already cannot handle? And I don't just mean the heat and natural disasters, but what about the limited resources? Putting a child into this world, not knowing if it will have water. And I know I have played my part in this Being part of the western, capitalist world that let this happen that MADE this happen.

And what about the humans rights that are being stripped back and maybe never have been here to begin with. Do I want to put a child into this world that might be gay, that might be trans, knowing the suffering they will have to endure by the blatant hate and nonacceptance that circles this earth? Me accepting my child for who they are is simply not enough. Not enough for me to want to risk it To risk knowing they are hurting in a world that does not accept them. And what if they are disabled in a world that does not do enough to ensure you can live a barrier free life. As a queer, disabled woman, how could I myself put a child into this world? When I know how it feels? Why would I do that to someone I would undoubtedly love?

And what about the path I would send them on, simply by being born? Because you cannot escape this world once you're on it. The government will only see you as a working force, a walking dollar sign They would not look at my child and see an open ocean of possibilities, a bundle of love with so much to give and so much to receive They would see my child as a working force and there is nothing I can do about it Each day, having to hear politicians talking about being and becoming a stronger economic force, while taking away our benefits, our communities, all the things that make the days worthwhile I hate being treated as such, as a walking dollar sign to a government that uses my labor force to fund genocides against other nations so why would I do that to anyone else?

Why would I bring another child into this Western world? A world that consumes without thinking of the hands who made A world that takes land and enslaves people and views it as "just the way it is" Where SHEIN hauls are okay, because at least through my consumption those children get paid something, right? No, this is not right I will not bring a child into this world that will participate in this because it's considered normal and just what it is. I will not bring a child into this world that will consume the cobalt other children had to die for A child that will view its privileges as a right simply because they were lucky enough to be born on this spot of earth.

I always thought I was selfish for not wanting children But don't you think it's the other way around?

[nosillarain]

october 20th

it's 6 am the open window is letting in some stray drops of rain on my bedside table I put a candle whose light is not shining onto the wall the only source of light in this room but bright enough to grant me sight of the pages I devour on this october morning I have plans later but that doesn't stop me from tasting this delicous fall dawn

[nosillarain]

2090

"It was a different time, you know? It was just what we did and what we knew The government said immigrants were bad and there's that. If you would have been there, you wouldn't have known better!

Same with trans people. I mean, what were you supposed to do? We had no choice? Times are different now and I don't think it's fair for you to hold it against me. It was just a different time, you know? It was normal back then!"

It isn't and it never will be.

[nosillarain]

January 6th 2015

was it worth it? raising me, having me believe I was the most loved anyone could ever be only to leave me the second I wasn't of use to you? after you drained me of everything I had, the happiness I held on to that we both knew had long vanished was it worth it? using me for money in any way you could think of during a time I hadn't even learned to count it properly and are you happy now still not being wealthy even after taking every bit of dignity your daughter had left? was it worth it? going from a parent, a whole world to somebody, to nobody to a nobody to me or my own child cause I would rather die than have them know you because you and I both know you wouldn't love her the way you couldn't love me the moment I wasn't of use anymore

[nosillarain]

prom 2015

prom meant so much to me, until I wanted to forget it the anticipation for a night that I will remember forever the glowing idea of wearing a gown made of my childhood dreams only for me to feel like I wanna hide to feel undesirable, forgettable, unlovable and yet I kept the flower for I knew that one day I might want to remember how much I used to hate myself

[nosillarain]

dear younger self,

that mirror won't get wider or smaller by staring at it longer. You cannot force love out of anyone, no matter how much they were supposed to love you. The family you long for is gone and you have to learn to let it go. This loneliness that turns your insides cold every single day is nothing but a lesson in perseverance. And your aches are nothing but a first row seat to living life. oh, my dear younger self, you think about yourself too much. Worry about your looks, your size, your grades, how you're being perceived, who likes you and who doesn't, what could have been and what never will be. oh, dear younger self, but your heart will grow bigger by listening to it more. Love will come, but it will be from within yourself first. And loved you are by the friends you made your family. oh, dear younger self, if only you could see me now.

I think you'd like me

[nosillarain]

Iphigenias pain, only felt for a moment will live on for centuries in all the girls who have ever seen the sun and lived a life unafraid of loving and living

[nosillarain]

rainy days, heavy with the memory of each one before them i hope I never run out of rainy days

[nosillarain]

growth

at 16 I looked at pictures taken 10 years prior not knowing the girl with her braids, her carelessness her happiness I knew she existed but she seemed so far away, she might not have just a child with worries so little she did not lose sleep over them and a smile so free, she might take on the world

at 26 I looked at pictures taken 10 years prior not knowing the girl with her worries so big she might put an end to them but she didn't so that in 10 years time and 10 after that and so on I can look at pictures of a girl who constantly changes a girl who constantly grows

[nosillarain]

the heart yearns for justice for women lost in the unjust history of a world that doesn't deserve them

[nosillarain]

and when the sun shines just right and touches your skin ever so tenderly, your mind will grant you the enjoyment of living in the here and now and think about the 'what ifs'

[nosillarain]

Welcome to my blog dedicated to the enjoyments, struggles, dreams and adventures of life from the eyes of someone lost in this big world