In a State Of Existential Dread Since 1994

A journal of my experiences with depression.

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

These days, my life, I feel it has no purpose, But late at night the feelings swim to the surface…

And there’s no end in sight, I need the darkness someone please cut the lights.

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I'm at capacity, I'm spilling out of me

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

You, you are an angel, that's why you pray

And I am an ass, and that's why I bray

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

TFW you want to reach out to someone who used to be in your life and remind them you loved them and haven’t loved someone like it since but you don’t because you don’t want to fuck up the good life you hope they’re having

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

How long must I wait

How much more must I take

Before loneliness

Will cause my heart, heart to break

No, I can't bear to live my life alone

I grow impatient for a love to call my own

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I’m so tired of being lonely I still have some love to give Won’t you show me that you really care?

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

Tip

If you are suicidal, get a dog. That way, when you feel like killing yourself you can ask, “who will take care of my dog when I’m dead?” No one. He won’t understand chronic depression.

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

Is there an easy way up when I'm feeling down?

Do I need a reason to move on to something better?

To break up, I have got to start now

On the other side, there will be something, something better

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

But more and more we're suffering

Not nobody, not a thousand beers

Will keep us from feeling so all alone

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

It is a most unpleasant feeling to need someone to tell you you’re not a worthless sack of shit, but you know you won’t believe anyone if you ask them to do so.

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I work better under a deadline I pick an age when I'm gonna disappear Until then I can try again

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I can’t love you how you want me to...

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

At least the nasty voices in my head are company

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I'm a winning combination of abrasive, overly sensitive, and insecure.

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

My body was built for constant anxiety, not perpetual rage. It hasn't even been two weeks yet and I want to fight everyone.

[thexfiles]

carrie fisher didn’t get laid to rest in a prozac-shaped urn for us not to take our meds…………. so take your meds

[softboypassing]

i kno posts like this are meant to be positive and nice but like… medications arent a nice pure glass of water theyve got all sorts of social and historical baggage. uwu stay medicated is not a trend we should be getting on

[femonologue]

Okay but I don’t care about nebulous baggage, I care about my neurochemical state permitting me to retain executive function so I can be a relatively competent human being who feels like life is pretty okay at least some of the time. So I will absolutely uwu stay medicated and the many other people whose lives would be better if they took their meds should absolutely uwu stay medicated, and I wish to strongly urge everyone else to uwu stop and think critically before you blithely parrot baseless handwringing rooted in the bizarre social stigma against literally just taking medicine for illnesses.

Thanks for reading, have a nice day, ooh woo take ur fuckin meds

[ferociouscharm]

Someone with a hammer and sickle icon shouldn’t be attempting to lecture anyone on historical or social baggage. 

[standuptragicomedy]

Yeah honestly like…pot, meet kettle.

[neit17]

But yeah, you shouldn’t take meds, they are dangerous in the long run (Prozac, etc).

[emolumentsclause-deactivated201]

Something else that is “dangerous in the long term” is being fucking suicidal all the time, so, y’know, I’ll take the drugs.

[raptorific]

Us mentally ill folks: “sometimes we want to be able to Face Life” Y'all: “sweaty :) chemicals are the devil :) even the slightest cost outweighs any and all benefits :) I know more about what’s best for you than you and your doctor :)”

[notes-from-the-darkplace]

I don’t think anyone would discourage a mentally ill person from taking their medications if they themselves had experienced the alternative. I’ve been on Prozac for 10 months; I should have been on it a decade ago. I resisted for so long because of the stigma around SSRIs and depression in general, and because I didn’t want to admit that I was sick and not in control. I finally agreed to go on medication out of shear desperation, almost a year after I finally started going to therapy. I had just finished grad school and was unemployed. I wasn’t suicidal at the time, but I had been on an off since I was a teenager, to the point that I assumed I was one bad day away from taking my own life. 

I was utterly hopeless. 

I can hardly believe that’s where I was less than a year ago. I get excited now. Excited! I had been depressed for so long, I didn’t remember what excited felt like at first. I don’t just experience the world through a foggy window now, unable to feel anything except numbness and occasional, intense self-loathing. I don’t think you can truly understand how much being able to feel true joy impacts your life until it’s gone. I didn’t understand until I lost joy and got it back.

It’s worth it to have gained weight. It’s worth it to feel a little dizzy if I get up too fast. Or to have heartburn. Or any of the other non-life-threatening side effects associated with the meds I’m on. At least I’m alive, and more importantly, I want to be. 

Anyone who wants to try to tell me or anyone else who is suffering to not take their meds because of “social and historical baggage” can fuck off.

[thexfiles]

carrie fisher didn’t get laid to rest in a prozac-shaped urn for us not to take our meds…………. so take your meds