I Assure You

My sideblog for keeping all of my Dragon Age rambling, headcanons, playthrough logs, and fic ideas. URL and tagline are from DA2's opening, during one of Varric and Cassandra's scenes. 

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Thinking about AUs in which DA chars are single parents, Sera as a mom is... a terrifying concept. I mean, I think she’d be pretty damn good at it if she really put her mind to it, but Sera with a mini-me is... alarming. 

Inquisitor’s Diary: “It is Day 187 of This Bullshit. On a related note, Bull jokingly suggested that we sic Sera’s (adopted) spawn on Corypheus. The advisers have yet to come up with a better plan than letting a nine-year-old prank an ancient Tevinter magister to death. Frankly, I’m tired and say we go for it.” 

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I really liked the dragon cult in DA:O. I can't remember what playing it was actually like, but the idea that people thought Andraste had reincarnated into a dragon was pretty fun.

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DA: “Alright, so THIS next character is a smarmy, jaded rogue who loves drama, lying, and bad jokes, who wants to be convinced to believe in heroes ag-” 

Me: “Hi, yes, I already love them, thanks.” 

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Tbh, I probably would have recruited Zevran JUST for the sheer daring of trying to schmooze the Warden after failing to kill them. Like, that’s some kind of smarmy class. Gotta respect it.

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I wonder if Solas was experiencing after-effects of his long sleep. Like, when I wake up, I don’t REALLY wake up until I hit a certain part of my routine, and really long sleeps can just... mess you up. Do long magical sleeps have any side effects? Solas fuzzing out in mid-conversation. Solas yawning for a year. 

Solas being a guy known to sleep a lot but also as the guy who can’t keep a sleep schedule to save his life. Sure, he’s diurnal now, but give it a week and a badly timed nap and he’s unintentionally nocturnal for the next two weeks. Suddenly he doesn’t do one long sleep per day anymore but two separate, shorter sleeping sessions per day for the next month. 

Solas unintentionally falling asleep in random places and getting sick of it and angrily consuming a substance he hates (tea) to try to regulate this crap. It doesn’t really work. 

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Were there any Red Templars in In Hushed Whispers, or did they make their first appearance during the attack on Haven? Because if the Herald chooses to do In Hushed Whispers, then they’re choosing the mages (and vanishing), and the Venatori and Corypheus should get their Red Templar army, as they do if the Herald manages to come back. I believe something was said about the Herald’s choice pushing the Venatori and Corypheus to really push forward on the other option, but I can’t see any reason why the Herald vanishing would have Corypheus cease operations on any “gather army” scheme. 

So, yeah, if anyone is writing a fic that does the In Hushed Whispers quest, it seems totally fine to me to ignore game restrictions and bring in some Red Templars if so desired. (My brain is currently telling me that there were Red Templars in In Hushed Whispers, but I might be mixing them up with mage abominations or something.) 

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Look, even if DA4 finally gives me the dwarf romance option I’ve been dying for, I’m still going to be bitter as hell if I’m still not allowed to marry Varric. Idk what I’ll do if it doesn’t give me any dwarf romance options at all. The Dwarf Thirst is real and I’m dying over here. 

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#varric is the ultimate da romance  #all of the previous games and romance routes were just a buildup for varric  #god tier #da (via @laggage)

Don’t you dare give me hope like this. 

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I think my favorite person to give a kid to in a “one of the DA2 crew is a single parent” AU would actually be Varric. Like?? Varric has such Dad potential. 

Also, there’s a perfect entry point in his starcrossed affair with Bianca. Bianca finds that she’s pregnant, hides it, and then sends the kid off to Varric before getting married. (Bartrand hates Varric’s bastard, but the kid’s untouchable because it is totally understood that Varric will straight-up kill Bartrand if his elder brother so much as lays a hand on his kid.) I’ve never looked up the Bianca/Varric affair in detail, but you could totally shift it in the timeline to suit how old you wanted the kid to be. 

I think I could go for the Bianca/Varric affair ending right before the events of DA2, so the kid is like… only about a year old… maybe two years old… by the time that Varric meets Hawke. It would probably make more sense if the kid was a little older, but I am a fan of Varric having the smallest dwarf kid possible because it makes me happy to imagine Hawke… just… crying at the sight of Varric’s kid. Hawke crying because this dwarf kiddo is too damn small. 

Aveline: “Hawke, are you serious right now.” 

Hawke: (blubbering) “Look at the tiny fingers, Ava. LOOK AT THEM.” 

Aveline: “Hawke, you are a grown criminal.” 

Hawke: “I’VE NEVER SEEN SHOES THIS SMALL BEFORE. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO COPE WITH SHOES THIS SMALL.” 

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People have pointed out that Varric totally adopted Cole in DA:I, and just... you’re so right. Cole as an amazing big brother is everything I never knew I needed, especially because Cole also wouldn’t be the big sibling. 

They’d both be the big sibling / little sibling. At the same time. 

Because Varric’s kiddo would be at least twelve by the time DA:I swings around. I now have a desperate need for some fast-talking, chip-off-the-old-block rogue dwarf kiddo showing up to bust Dad out of Cassandra’s clutches. Kiddo probably gets caught, though. But Varric tweenager got... alarmingly far, actually. 

Someone makes the mistake of asking what’s the harm in letting a kid hang around. It’s just a perfectly innocent twelve-year-old kid. 

Varric’s kiddo to Dad (five minutes before being caught): “There are three copies of the keys to this jail, belonging to Cassandra, Leliana, and Cullen. Leliana keeps hers well-hidden and would be the most difficult to pick-pocket. Cullen is easily distracted and keeps his keys on his belt but also the one most constantly surrounded by other people. He’s also the most likely to hand his over to a subordinate. These locks are enchanted to resist lockpicks and the stone’s too thick to budge, but the hinges of the metal bar doors are weak. Thankfully, I don’t need to do that, because I have Cassandra’s keys. *holds up Cassandra’s keys* Who was easy to distract and the most unsuspecting and solitary. There are five guards outside, but I set a trap at the diplomat Montilyet’s office and any second now they should go running. I stole Mum back for you; *hands Varric Bianca the Crossbow* they were keeping her in a pile in the unguarded armory with shitty locks-” 

Varric’s kiddo to Cassandra (five minutes after being caught): *innocent beaming of a kid who definitely doesn’t have lockpicks and several grenades and a knife stuffed down their shirt*

~

I’m leaning towards Varric’s kiddo being nonbinary, but it would be hilarious if the kiddo was named Bianca. Like, I probably wouldn’t actually do it, because that’s too damn many Biancas, but the potential humor is A+. 

Varric’s talking about Bianca again? Which Bianca? Bianca Junior, his kid? Bianca, his mystery lady? Or Bianca Senior, the crossbow that the kid actually refers to as “Mum”. No, the kid actually calls the crossbow “Mum”. 

Hawke (a few years or so into DA2): “Varric - my friend, my buddy, my pal, the love of my awful fucking life - are you actually trying to imply that you had a kid with your crossbow.”

Varric: “Trying? Shit, do I have to be more obvious about it?” 

~

So, when Varric adopts Cole in DA:I, there’s this fast-talking, know-it-all little twelve-year-old shit who takes Cole under their wing as well. Varric’s Artful Dodger of a kid puffs out their chest and is like: “Oh, man, you need someone to show you the ropes around here. You’re lucky I’m here, because I know everything there is to know about everything.” 

To which Cole is nodding very seriously, as though he isn’t a old spirit/demon assassin/murderer being talked down to by a slightly smarmy kid that’s not even thirteen years old or three feet tall. 

Cole, with desperately grateful relief: “Thank you! I have so many questions about the impenetrable consistency of ducks.” 

Varric’s kid, who was born and raised in the city, has maybe seen a duck five times in their twelve-year-old life, and is solemnly about to make up a whole lot of shit about ducks, “You came to the right place, my friend.” 

~

Everyone is initially super unnerved by letting a kiddo be looked after by a spirit/demon taken human form, but Varric, if anyone brings the matter to him, points out that 1) Cole is the best protection against everything that any parent could ask for and has already tossed at least three threats to the kiddo off a mountain...

And 2) if anyone is a bad influence on the other one, it’s Varric’s kiddo on Cole, because you heard the twelve-year-old, potential-crime-boss dwarf rogue give the ageless spirit assassin a Very Serious Lecture on the importance of making murder look like an accident, right? Because that happened. 

It was a pretty good rundown of “how to get away with murder” for a kid. (Varric toting a baby/toddler about when dealing with criminal associations is... well, obviously alarming, but also hilarious.) Anyone in the Inquisition remotely familiar with assassination was very impressed; everyone else was horrified. 

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I think my favorite person to give a kid to in a “one of the DA2 crew is a single parent” AU would actually be Varric. Like?? Varric has such Dad potential. 

Also, there’s a perfect entry point in his starcrossed affair with Bianca. Bianca finds that she’s pregnant, hides it, and then sends the kid off to Varric before getting married. (Bartrand hates Varric’s bastard, but the kid’s untouchable because it is totally understood that Varric will straight-up kill Bartrand if his elder brother so much as lays a hand on his kid.) I’ve never looked up the Bianca/Varric affair in detail, but you could totally shift it in the timeline to suit how old you wanted the kid to be. 

I think I could go for the Bianca/Varric affair ending right before the events of DA2, so the kid is like... only about a year old... maybe two years old... by the time that Varric meets Hawke. It would probably make more sense if the kid was a little older, but I am a fan of Varric having the smallest dwarf kid possible because it makes me happy to imagine Hawke... just... crying at the sight of Varric’s kid. Hawke crying because this dwarf kiddo is too damn small. 

Aveline: “Hawke, are you serious right now.” 

Hawke: (blubbering) “Look at the tiny fingers, Ava. LOOK AT THEM.” 

Aveline: “Hawke, you are a grown criminal.” 

Hawke: “I’VE NEVER SEEN SHOES THIS SMALL BEFORE. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO COPE WITH SHOES THIS SMALL.” 

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For the Canon Era Universe Alternation AU of at least one DA2 companion being a single parent (HAPPY AUs, guys, HAPPY AUs), I think my personal favorite way for Isabela would be for Isabela to have a daughter, but, like... a young teenage daughter. More than old enough to start learning the ropes of piracy and serve as a bitty but competent first mate. Probably referred to almost exclusively as “Princess” by both Varric and the DA2 crew. 

With a teenager, there are so many vaguely horrifying questions about how old Isabela actually is (I always figured she was in her 30s; late 20s at the youngest) and when exactly she had her daughter. Isabela answers none of them, except with return questions delivered with sharp smiles like, “Do I look old enough to have a teenage daughter?” Which any person has to answer very, very carefully if they want to keep their fingers. 

Also, Isabela’s little girl is not allowed to flirt with people (tall order for anyone raised by Isabela, whose answer to nearly everything is flirting, stealing, or murder), but people are even more not allowed to flirt with Isabela’s baby unless they want to straight-up die. (Hawke is maybe okay, for some gentle, parental-style, non-serious pre-flirting. Hawke is almost definitely baby’s first crush.) 

Isabela would probably frequently refer to her daughter as her younger sister anyway. The first time her little pirate princess calls her Mum around the DA2 crew, Hawke trips over a chair, Varric chokes on his drink, and that little shit (who absolutely did it on purpose) is so grounded. 

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I think my favorite method for fun AU thoughts about the DA2 characters being parents is a Canon Era Universe Alteration. Though any of the DA2 characters or companions being a single parent during the events of DA2 sounds both highly entertaining and somewhat of a mild nightmare. 

Thinking about the idea of children in Kirkwall gives me uncomfortable memories from the game and thoughts of logical extrapolation. I’d much prefer to imagine that Kirkwall citizens just popped randomly out of back alleys, fully grown and covered in dust and already carrying some form of makeshift blunt weaponry. 

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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapter 20: III. The Residents of Redcliffe

If there is one fact that Dorian feels certain of… it’s that misery adores like-minded company. Life’s really got to kick men when they’re down, apparently. It can’t just be happy with the fall, no, it’s got to stomp in the teeth too. It’s like an urge. The world has to be an endless nightmare! Can’t be helped.

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Trying to figure out how to give DA characters kiddos, for the purpose of fun AU thoughts, is pretty interesting. Especially depending on what direction you wanna go for the “how the char acquired a child”. 

My personal favorite for Zevran is that he goes off to destroy the Antivan Crows, as per canon, and comes back with some mildly feral 11-year-old baby assassin who imprinted on him. Like, he found places for the other baby Crows, but this one just sort of stuck to him and they’re so cute with their little knives. 

Someone: (alarmed) It’s got a knife! 

Zevran: (patronizing) She has got a knife, thank you, signore. 

Zevran: Do not worry. She knows how to use it. 

He was going to just ditch the child, but they grew on him while he was murdering people and orchestrating the downfall of a powerful brotherhood, and their little angry face reminded him so dearly of the love of his life. Zevran brings the baby assassin by the scruff of their neck to Skyhold, Amaranthine, or wherever, and dumps them in front of the love of his life: the Warden. 

Zevran: Well, my love? I know we did not discuss children much...

The Warden: (already crying) I love her. 

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An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Chapter 19: III. The Red Death

“Red lyrium,” Adaar repeats, with an expression somewhere between sympathetic and bemused at his reaction. “Creative name for it, I know.”

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Dorian Pavus seems like he’d be the kind of parent who would flip between “my kid wears custom designer clothes and perfectly coordinated outfits only” and “my kid is wearing clothes today, what more do you want from me”. 

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There was no one left to stop Hawke from wandering out the door, armed to the teeth and bereft of a particular destination, desperate to get out of an empty house. 

If Hawke went looking for trouble to keep occupied, Hawke was bound it find it. 

And trouble would come and find Hawke if they were taking too long. 

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Dorian can’t immediately tell who’s in charge of the Inquisition, which in hindsight was an enormous flag of warning. At first he had taken it to be the Herald of Andraste, upon meeting them, despite originally thinking the “Herald of Andraste” nothing more than the puppet of this Orlesian Chantry cult. 

Having had the dubious delight of meeting the Herald’s War Room, Dorian now can’t tell. It’s certainly not the Herald, but it’s hardly any of these so-called advisers in particular either. Does the Inquisition really... just not have a leader? As far as Dorian can see, they don’t, and it’s increasingly alarming the more he lets himself dwell on the issue. 

Even the squabbling Magisterium has an Archon to scare them into submission, every now and again, when the noise gets too much and the need arises.