I truly believe that out of all the bats, Jason, is the one who Dick is most attached to.
Dick loves all of them dearly, don’t get me wrong.
Bruce is his mentor, the only man he’s ever allowed himself to think of as a father after his dad died. He loves him deeply and thinks of him as a partner in crime(fighting), an older fucked up brother, and as a father.
Alfred is basically his grandfather and is the only little, freshly traumatised, dick Grayson would let himself be silent around, the only one he didn’t try to put a show on for or try to put on a brave face around.
Tim is his incredible little brother who is so smart and brave all the time, the kind boy who looked up at dick with stars in his eyes, the boy who had the determination to help Batman overcome the pull of grief.
Steph is his bold little sister who is loud, and bright, and fierce. She’s got the same determined fire in her heart that got all the bats into the life they live, determined for something better, for more.
Damian is his baby brother, his robin, the boy he watched go from a stoic assassin who thought everyone was beneath him, to a kind and deeply empathetic young man who loves those around him with a fierce passion, despite his adorable attempts to hide it.
Duke is his bright little brother, the boy who, like Steph, wanted more for the people around him and for himself. The boy who decided to do something about it, the boy whose determination for more led him to be Gothams ray of sunshine.
Cass is his brave little sister, the girl who saw the horrors of death and looked it dead in the eyes as she turned away from it and went towards the light of the living. The girl who fought for her voice just as fiercely as she fought for life itself.
Jason was hope and perseverance incarnate.
Jason was smart, he was bold, he was kind, he was bright, he was brave. He was all of those things and more.
He was good. So so so good. He was noble and pure and kindhearted and dick turned him away.
Despite all Jason’s, sweet sweet little Jason, attempts at being brothers, or even just being friends at the very least. Dick just turned him away with a sneer.
He ignored Jason’s olive branches, and flat out rejected them when he couldn’t ignore them.
He took his anger at Bruce for adopting another kid without any hesitation while he was still stuck as a ward, and then giving away something that was never his to give away out on jason.
On the 12 year old boy who looked at him with those same stars in his eyes upon meeting him for the first time that tim did.
The boy who despite flinching at loud noises and people moving to fast near him, still managed to have a hint of those same stars even after dicks constant rejections and sharp words.
After all the screaming fights he’d witnessed between dick and Bruce, after all the aggressive body language and behaviour from dick.
After years of nothing but hostility from dick.
He still had a hint of those same stars in his big blue eyes.
He still called for dick when he was murdered.
Still called for the man that was meant to be his big brother.
Still looked to dick to save him.
He still had hope dick would love him.
By the time dick had finally, finally realised he was taking his anger out on the wrong person, that maybe Jason wasn’t as bad as he’d made him out to be, Jason was nearly 15 and dick didn’t know where to start.
He figured he had time, and there was always something more important going on that needed his attention more than Jason did.
They haunt him more than anything he’d ever seen on the field.
5 times his brother called him.
Dick never answered, never even got them up in space. But dick never answered, would he have answered Jason’s calls even if he wasn’t in space?.
He can’t bare the fact that he probably wouldn’t have.
Jason, sweet sweet Jason, was dead and dick had never once said a nice thing to his face.
He couldn’t even claim his little brother was dead. Because he never treated Jason like the little brother he could have been. Like he would’ve been. If dick didn’t push him away.
Dick couldn’t call Jason his little brother. He didn’t deserve to. Not when he had every chance in the past to play the part of an older brother to him and fought it with all his might.
Not when Jason deserved so much better.
A better older brother, one who didn’t call him a thief for taking something he didn’t know was stolen, one who stood up for him, one who showed up for him.
One who wasn’t too angry and stupid and stubborn and scared to love him.
Jason deserved a better father, a better brother, a better family. He deserved so so much more than they gave him.
There isn’t anything dick regrets more than how he treated Jason. If he had been a better brother, scratch that, if he’d been a brother to Jason at all, maybe he’d have lived past 15.
Maybe he would’ve gone to college like he dreamed of, maybe he would’ve gotten married someday, maybe he would have lived.
Maybe dick could’ve earned the right to be his brother someday.
Jason died without Dick ever telling him how much he loved him. He died before dick ever even realised it.
Dick didn’t deserve to be Jason’s brother.
He was angry, and twisted, and a hellhound made human.
He was the same miracle boy dick met and scorned all those years ago, the boy he saw in everyone and everything. In the stars in Tim’s eyes, in stephs bold desire for more for herself and her mother, in dukes hope and sense of community, in cass’s perseverance and bravery, in Damian’s kindness and empathy.
The boy who called for him 5 times.
The brother he never deserved to claim.
Jason wasn’t the same, but he wasn’t someone new. And if he was someone new, well, dick never really knew him in the first place did he?
But he could this time. He wanted to. He wanted to earn the right to call Jason his brother. He wanted everything Jason offered before. And even if Jason didn’t think he deserved it anymore, dick would do everything in his power to earn it.
He’d do anything to make Jason realise just how much he meant to him, to everyone.
He’d do anything to make Jason know just how much he loved him. He was just too stubborn and angry to let it show.
Even if dick never earned the right to call Jason his brother, even if dick never deserved it, dick couldn’t help but see Jason as his brother before anything else.
The others weren’t the same, he loved them all, so so so fucking much. But it wasn’t the same.
Jason wasn’t just the boy who should’ve been his brother, he’s the boy dick had been a kid with.
The one who had seen dick act every bit his age and still look at him with stars in his eyes.
The one who had witnessed the worst of dick, yet never saw anything but his older brother.
The others saw him as a doting older brother and mentor, a loving and joyful presence who would mother hen them all to kingdom come.
Jason had seen dick be mean, be cruel, be stubborn, be stupid, be selfish, be brash, be everything he’d never shown the others.
Jason had seen him be a traumatised young man who took his anger out on the wrong people and looked at him with love regardless.
Jason was the Abel to Dicks Cain.
And dick couldn’t let him go without making sure Jason could never forget just how much his older brother loves him.
