Let’s Fucking Talk About The Count of Monte Cristo
because who doesn’t love a story with revenge, prison breaks, revenge, pirates, revenge, and murder??
so there’s this young guy, edmund dantes
he comes from humble roots but has a rockin amazing fiancé (mercédès), a sweet father, a mysterious letter to deliver, and he’s going to be captain of a ship soon, cool!!!
there are other people too: this guy danglars (who is jealous of his cool captain position) a dude mondego (who is jealous of mercédès) and this other random guy caderousse (who’s just salty edmund is a cool and nice guy)
so all three jerks conspire together and are like “hey, you hate this edmund guy too??? let’s get rid of him he he he” and at his wedding they accuse him of supporting napoleon via the secret letter (yeah that guy, cuz it takes place in 1800s france)
but the public prosecutor named villefort sees through the accusation right?? and tells edmund “yo dude you’re chill I know you’ve never done a bad thing in you’re life” but out of curiousity asks who the secret letter was for
turns it was for villefort’s napolian-sympathizer dad. villefort freaks thinking people will find out and it will be scandalous for his reputation so he burns the letter and throws an innocent edmund into jail for life on this sick island rock prison in the middle of the ocean
after a few years edmund meets this old priest who accidentally dug a tunnel into edmund’s cell teying to escape. The priest helps edmund figure out who ruined his life (while he’s an intellectual™️ it was also obvious come on edmund).
He then takes edmund under his wing and for 10 more years teaches him stuff
before he dies the priest tells edmund of a hidden treasure on the island of monte cristo (sound familiar??). everyone thinks he’s crazy and so does edmund
then priest dies and edmund uses his body bag to escape. however edmund stupidly forgets he’s on a rock in the middle of the ocean and they just throw his weighted body in the bag into the sea
plot twist—he doesn’t die! he breaks free and pretends to be a shipwrecked sailor (a prision break story to rival shawshank tbh) finds the treasure and disappears for a few years
edmund, rightfully so, reappears in society and is like “fuck man, revenge time”
now fucking rich and uncommonly educated edmund buys a title and completely reinvents himself as the count of monte cristo, mysteriously dazzling high european society
r e v e n g e t i m e
first he seeks out mondego (who became a fiancé stealing bastard). monte cristo/edmund saves mondego’s son (who is a delight) and soon becomes a friend of the family. no one recognizes edmund except for mercédès (cuz she loved him awe).
also it turns out mondego did some traitorous shit and sold some people into slavery for profit so when edmund exposes it all mondego is ruined and kills himself. revenge successful!
though before this lil mondego jr. challenges monte cristo to a duel of honor but it all smooths over cuz mercédès is smart and edmund is still smitten and so momma mercèdès and son leave to live a quiet life somewhere new
but at the same time monte cristo also goes after villafort (dick cop guy) whose wife kind of secretly fantasizes about murdering people?? monte cristo teaches wife about poison and she slowly starts to kill everyone in the family (for personal gain but also for fun tbh)
also villafort had an illegitimate kid and buried it alive and so monte cristo exposes him for that too. after all this is exposed villafort goes insane. revenge 2 success!!
and the last life to ruin: fucking danglars. monte cristo just kinda ruins him financially, manipulates his wife, has him kidnapped, etc. and leaves him poor and ruined, but reveals his true identity and is like “HA guess who it’s me edmund”. danglers does NOT like that
and so edmund successfully ruins all of their lives and it’s strangely satisfying and in the process throws french high society into chaos
aaaand while all that’s happening simultaneously there are some side characters and good deeds too
the nice guy who was going to make young edmund a captain fell into ruin but edmund saves him in a really nice anonymous way
and danglers has a boss ass daughter eugenia who peaces out and runs away from a forced engagement by cross dressing with her hot artist girlfriend
and also ship guy has a son, maximilian, who is head over heals for villafort’s saint of a daughter valentine. and so edmund saves little villafort from murderous mamma by faking her death romeo and juliette style. BUT instead of killing himself like romeo max just becomes depressed until edmund eventually reunites the young lovebirds on the island of monte cristo and they live happily ever after
(along with edmund and his slightly rushed love interest who happens to be the princess mondego sold into slavery)
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