Strange Jewels

Beauty is its reason of being.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

(sunflowers watching you)

[notmadebyhumanhands]

When—no, if—if one day you’re desperate enough & need someone to talk to, someone who will judge you straight to your face then laugh about it but will still accept you at the end of the day, call me.

—for s.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

until then, let my last message to you be "(i’ve) never doubted you"

[notmadebyhumanhands]

When—no, if—if one day you’re desperate enough & need someone to talk to, someone who will judge you straight to your face then laugh about it but will still accept you at the end of the day, call me.

—for s.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

the unfeeling queen i once was, where is she? i miss (being) her.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

"a greater woman wouldn't beg"

i know that you will never care about me as much as i do you, so why do i still care anyway?

i seem to have forgotten...i was never one for emotions but when i reach out for you, i drown in a relentless sea of them.

you will never like me the way i wanted you to. and i said i'd settle for friendship. but really, what do i hope to get out of this friendship?

i will never matter to you. i mean nothing to you. not even an offhand thought. why do i keep gathering crumbs when i know i shouldn't do this to myself?

i'm not blinded by some misplaced hope. i'm not holding out for some chance that maybe, one day, you'd see me.

so why do i still let the thought of you bother me?

you're not even the man i imagine you to be. you were once half a friend, if we ever were; now, you're a fading acquaintance. soon, you'd be a stranger and eventually, we'd completely forget.

or maybe you would. but would i?

i keep starting all over again, starting from somewhere, but when will it end?

are these layers that would one day harden me until i become numb?

maybe these are all just drama. i'm getting so tired of it myself, but how do i reconcile moving forward and leaving it all behind?

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Limerence is a disease.

it was always me falling for you; now there’s always time calling for me

[notmadebyhumanhands]

What do I do with these feelings? I can’t keep them because they’re not mine. I can’t give them to somebody else because it’s not for them. They’re yours but you don’t want them. So now, they have nowhere to go.

[quelmdn]

🔷🏵️🗡️

[notmadebyhumanhands]

if in another life, your heart is beating fine & love is on your mind, will i be first in line? can you at least give me this?

[notmadebyhumanhands]

on a mid-autumn evening when darkness descends deep & fast, i encountered you on a dim road, underneath lamppost lights and shadows.

we have to stop meeting like this.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

you see, universe? you can dangle him in front of me—sudden & without warning signs—but it wouldn’t affect me anymore.

i have learned to choose to be alone but not lonely. i have killed the part of me that used to pine for him.

there is peace in letting go.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

on a mid-autumn evening when darkness descends deep & fast, i encountered you on a dim road, underneath lamppost lights and shadows.

we have to stop meeting like this.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

your city still remembers my name

[notmadebyhumanhands]

—i have consigned you to a fever dream

you weren’t real, not even a memory

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Last nights of summer fading & hopefully so will the last of all my feelings for you.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

You matter to me.

And I mean it. Perhaps you don’t understand the weight of that statement, or its depth, but you do. You matter to me and I’m certain I would have loved you. But I won’t be given that chance, as I never have had before. Never before. Never again. And never since.

But still you matter to me. I desire for you to be happy, to realize the goals and dreams you have told me. I sincerely wish I could love you, be the one for you, but it won’t come to pass.

You matter to me, even when I know I don’t matter the same way to you. Not a choice, not even an option. No longer a casual acquaintance but not even quite a friend—maybe not ever.

I do not want this pain. But you matter to me. Even in complete radio silence. A month from now. Perhaps even after. Perhaps always.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Promise I’ll get my spark back; for now, let me be sad.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

you said horror aesthetics reminded you of me

i’m just glad i crossed your mind 💀