Strange Jewels

Beauty is its reason of being.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

(sunflowers watching you)

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Limerence is a disease.

it was always me falling for you; now there’s always time calling for me

[notmadebyhumanhands]

What do I do with these feelings? I can’t keep them because they’re not mine. I can’t give them to somebody else because it’s not for them. They’re yours but you don’t want them. So now, they have nowhere to go.

[quelmdn]

🔷🏵️🗡️

[notmadebyhumanhands]

if in another life, your heart is beating fine & love is on your mind, will i be first in line? can you at least give me this?

[notmadebyhumanhands]

on a mid-autumn evening when darkness descends deep & fast, i encountered you on a dim road, underneath lamppost lights and shadows.

we have to stop meeting like this.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

you see, universe? you can dangle him in front of me—sudden & without warning signs—but it wouldn’t affect me anymore.

i have learned to choose to be alone but not lonely. i have killed the part of me that used to pine for him.

there is peace in letting go.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

on a mid-autumn evening when darkness descends deep & fast, i encountered you on a dim road, underneath lamppost lights and shadows.

we have to stop meeting like this.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

your city still remembers my name

[notmadebyhumanhands]

—i have consigned you to a fever dream

you weren’t real, not even a memory

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Last nights of summer fading & hopefully so will the last of all my feelings for you.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

You matter to me.

And I mean it. Perhaps you don’t understand the weight of that statement, or its depth, but you do. You matter to me and I’m certain I would have loved you. But I won’t be given that chance, as I never have had before. Never before. Never again. And never since.

But still you matter to me. I desire for you to be happy, to realize the goals and dreams you have told me. I sincerely wish I could love you, be the one for you, but it won’t come to pass.

You matter to me, even when I know I don’t matter the same way to you. Not a choice, not even an option. No longer a casual acquaintance but not even quite a friend—maybe not ever.

I do not want this pain. But you matter to me. Even in complete radio silence. A month from now. Perhaps even after. Perhaps always.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

Promise I’ll get my spark back; for now, let me be sad.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

you said horror aesthetics reminded you of me

i’m just glad i crossed your mind 💀

[notmadebyhumanhands]

I may have met the right person at the right place but at the wrong time.

Or maybe I wasn’t the right one for you.

But I was convinced you were right for me.

And I so wanted to take a photo of you while you were petting that stray black cat. I wanted to immortalize the day, the way everything just felt so serene.

When moment becomes memory, we couldn’t really trust it anymore. But I hope I remember.

// 29.08 //

>> not a date

>>> i have always thought of that city as yours because you were born & raised there, and it felt fitting that my first time visiting it was with you.

>>>> i didn’t even have the right words to say; my brain was a jumble of confusion, and my mouth probably fired on its own but i had a good time (because it was) with you.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

"(I wanted you to know) I learned to live without it."

[notmadebyhumanhands]

i died & went to arcadia.

don’t look for me; i will not be back.

[notmadebyhumanhands]

I dislike overly positive people. "Don’t worry, be happy" is an oversimplification.

Worrying can sometimes be a good thing. It keeps you aware & alert.

I also don’t like overly negative people.

Maybe happiness isn’t a perpetual state of mind. Maybe it’s fragmented. And it’s up to us to pick up the pieces. Maybe the shards make up a greater whole.

(Or maybe, I just don’t like people in general.)