Damiv was so happy to be with Fera.
She was everything that was sweet, lovable and exciting. She was the only person who silently visited Damiv's dreams, made him restless, unable to sleep.
She was the only person whose touch brought a soothing glow on this perishing earth. Anything looks better when she's in it.
Damiv smiled and raised his hand against the sun. The shadows and lights played with his hardened, scarred face.
"Are you trying to catch the sun?"
The well-known voice made him turn back. Fera.
Yes indeed. And his sun was standing infront of him.
Fera laughed, "Cat got your tongue, Dame?"
Damiv chuckled, "Still that cliche nickname, Fera?"
"Why not? It's fun to tease you. Before the war, you would be so mad and say, 'Dame is for girls! I'll be a knight!' Haha."
Damiv looked down with a pained frown and small smile.
"A lot of things have changed, Fera."
He did not want to be a knight anymore.
Fera asked with teasing eyes.
A tear rolled down Damiv's eyes, "I want to stay with you forever."
Fera startled. The teasing demeanour faded away.
He took her rough, baker's hands in his calloused ones, "Fera, my dearest Fera, I must not conceal my heart any longer. It will burst with my outpouring love for you. I know you love me too. I see it in your eyes, you care for me."
Fera did not blush. Instead her eyes dropped in sadness.
Damiv's eyes shone with tears, desperation and a huge wave of piled up emotions.
"Sweet Fera, why do you not speak? Do you not..."
"Silly boy..." Fera began, her eyes teared up, yet she smiled, "Do not doubt my love."
She placed a hand on his cheek.
Damiv's brow lifted and smile widened in joy, "Does it mean you..."
Fera interrupted, her face hidden behind her hair. Damiv brushed it off of her face. She looked up with a sad expression, "I can feel my heart wracking with guilt as I say this, Damiv... I love you, but not the way you do. I wish to light thousands of candles with you, read the oldest manuscripts with you, eat the finest cakes with you, but... not as a... lover. Not as a spouse. Please pardon me, I do not have it in me to... be romantically involved with anyone."
Damiv could not grasp it at first, what was she saying?
"Fera, I know this is sudden but... with time, surely you will—"
"No, no, Damiv, do not raise your expectations, please."
"But, what does it mean, how is it possible?"
"As a best friend? As a sister, as a mother always does? Do they not love? Do they not hold you to be the most precious thing in this world? Yet, they..."
Damiv could not believe it. He did not understand how it worked. He was a tired soldier, wishing for a family of love. Love has different meanings, he knew, but... how?
Damiv tried again, "Still, give it some time, Fera, maybe after a while you will..."
Those words made Damiv's breath hitch.
"You're breaking my heart. You are expecting something from me that I can not give you. I can not, Damiv."
Breaking my heart... A heart that beats with no love... no, no.. there was love. No one had loved him more than Fera, all these years...
Were his eyes too impure for her?
Damiv looked at her face for a long while. Etching every single feature in his heart.
Fera, a blooming spring flower.
"Damiv?" Fera said with fear and confusion in her voice.
Damiv caught his rolling tears and laughed.
"You are right, Fera. I am sorry. I do not know how to look at you the way you do at me."
"You are not lacking anything. You are much more capable than I am."
"Why aren't you looking at me?"
"I have. Thousands have I seen in one glance. That would be enough. Fera, forget about this conversation. I shall... meet you, once... I gain your eyes to see you. These don't deserve you."
Fera frowned, she reached out, "You are not in the wrong, Damiv, I am not blaming you one bit."
Damiv smiled warmly and looked down.
"I know. No one is to blame."
Before leaving, he turned back,
"Promise me one thing, Fera. You will continue to love, even when people like me misunderstand you."
"Can I love, truly? I just rejected your love. I can not love, it seems."
"You love the way lotus loves the Sun. It is ethereal."