An Honest Account of a Girl's Health

[nthealth]

Is it Worth It?

Is it worth it to keep drudging ahead when your health is not in a perfect place?

[nthealth]

Yoga, Mantras, & Commitment

As a yoga enthusiast, and lover, I have gone through many stages of my path to enlightenment. I speak a lot about 2014 and how I had my first awakening. It was 100% though consistent practice at the Jivamukti center (Jersey City), that I was able to overcome a deep depression. One of the things that lead to the depression, was not honoring my time and my body.

After a repetitive practice that Summer, with continued practice both at Jivamukti and Powerflow, I stayed pretty steady on my path of wellness. Of course upon finding Jivamukti I was completely and profoundly happy because of the ritualistic practice, and acknowledgement of source, that filled me with a sense of well-being and clearer purpose.

During this time, I found the Jivamukti chant book. A book that is passed out at the beginning of class that has many chants (songs), that declare liberation over suffering, as well as peace and rejuvenation for all beings. Repeating the chants, especially in the morning gave me such joy and clarity, especially because I love singing (a thing about me most people don’t know)

For a while I felt uncomfortable chanting on my own house, mostly because I didn’t want my family thinking I was changing religions, and because I couldn’t find a safe and warm place in the house.

I waited until 2017 when I rented a studio space in JC, to make the rituals a part of my daily practice. But after some pitfalls, and moving back home, I close up and stopped chanting all together.

It’s not super fun to feel like the one thing that bring you true joy, cannot be done in your own house.

Upon reflection, I find that if perhaps I was able to break through these barrier I would be in better health.

But part of moving forward, is not looking back.

As of today, I have found a very wonderful mantra, called the “Rudra Mantra” (maha mrit yun jaya), that is also known as the Great Death conquering mantra.

I am really looking forward to practicing this, as I feel it is truly time to break through the suffering, and call upon some great healing.

[It is said to be beneficial for mental, emotional and physical health[8] and to be a moksha mantra which bestows longevity and immortality.[9] ]

I am truly looking forward to this, and using this platform as an accountability outlet.

I am commiting to chanting this daily, in the morning, and 9 time before bed.

Praying for longevity and restoration.

Til’ then,

Nerissa

[nthealth]

The Goal is Health

Lately I’ve been feeling better. It’s been subtle things here and there, like being in a better mood, feeling more inspired, finding groups and meditation programs thats I like.

I’ve also forced myself to be more active in my immediate community of Jersey City, which I had been avoiding for a while.

My apprehensions with Jersey City have always been that the majority of the culture tends to go out late, and drink. At 28 I consciously made the decision to take care of my body and not drinking became a conscious choice that was easy.

I have recently been inspired to focus more on my goals and immediate needs, which is to get yoga teacher certified and be in a better place financially.

I was blessed in 2015 to really be able to take the time to paint and create, while nannying and doing graphic design freelance work, but lately the stress of not being able to pay my bills and have the type of life I deserve, has really taken its toll.

It has made me reevaluate my needs and what it means to be a healthy person. I have been exploring the idea of looking into a different area of work to be able to be more financially sustained.

I have not lost my love for art, but I do feel it is imperative to learn better skill sets in order to sustain myself in a more grounded way.

I do feel that an environment change would do me a wealth of good, and so I am taking the steps to allow the Universe to do its work.

[nthealth]

“After the rain, the sun will reappear. There is life. After the pain, the joy will still be here.” ― Walt Disney Company

[nthealth]

What No One knows, until now.

First let me make this clear, I am not writing this to make you feel bad for me. I am writing this express what my body went through this past year, and to put things in perspective and get them off my chest.

For a majority of last year, I spent my days’ in bed. - To some people this may sound like a fantasy/break, or relaxation, but trust me- it was not. 

During this past year (2018-2019) I became completely immobile, pained, dehydrated, and unable to do regular activities. My thoughts were constantly racing from lack of sleep, and it was extremely difficult to be calm or even relax. I spent a total of 11 months in bed crying, and in stress and pain.

At times I was able to paint (for those that don’t know me, I am a painter and illustrator); but not as much as I truly wanted to, or needed to. Because my vata dosha was so deficient, it was quite hard for me to be alone or isolated in my painting studio in my basement at home. If you know the basics of Ayurveda, what vatas dominant doshas need during winter most, is warmth, comfort, warming food, and caring companionship.

I found a lot of the time I was clinging to the living room space, wrapped in a blanket in a chair, just trying to cope.

Journaling for me was my one solace. When things were hard, journaling was the only thing that would give me a bit of relief, and breathing room. I mostly journaled about the way I wanted to feel, the things I still wanted to do, and my goals for the future.

It was hard at first writing all these things down, while feeling the complete opposite. But I was persistent.

During this time, I learned a lot about patience, remapping the mind, and planting mental seeds. What was most helpful for me, was continuing to write positive thoughts and affirmations, over and over again. 

It definitely took a while to see anything happen, it almost was if the gestation period truly is 9 months, but just most recently in this new season, positive things have begun to happen. My thoughts have shifted, I’m able to exercise, and be calm in interviews. It took so long to get through this Winter, and there were times I felt I never would. But since February of this year, I have finally begun to feel good again. 

 I am starting to cultivate new relationships, reconnecting with old friends, and am finally able to put more energy into my work of dance and art making.

Thanks to these small miracles, I am able to have hope again.

[nthealth]

One thing that’s hard about eating

So I am a Latina Woman. I love making big meals, and feeding people. One thing that has been difficult about this stage in my life, is that living home with my late-aged (yes I’m inventing this word, because they’re not elderly yet), parents, is that they don’t have the same appetite as they used to. 

They’re not hungry for big breakfasts, or lunches. Dinner is the biggest meal, and that’s something my Mom usually takes the reins on. 

After learning and studying so much about Ayurveda, I have come to learn that breakfast and lunch are biggest, & most important meals of the day.

At 32 I really want to take care of people, and cook for more then just myself. This has been an additional struggle with eating. I feel like a lot of women in their 30′s go through this. Bc, while we’ve been conditioned to stay single until our 40′s, I feel as if our biological clocks feel otherwise.

I really long to be in the warm sun, with other people my own age, who enjoy eating.

I also truly want to take care of myself and my financial health. I find that sometime every day I am coming up with a new idea, as to how to go about doing this. I feel as if all the answers are inside. and a truly feel as if a change of scenery will change things around for me.

[nthealth]

Meditation & Getting Back on the Horse

So this weekend I began reading “The Surrender Experiment” by Michael A. Singer. There was something about this book that was truly calling to me. A lot of people during this season, have told me to “just surrender”. But I have been up in arms about exactly what that means-

I feel there are so many ways to surrender, through movement, through song, through dance. But listening to this audio book has really put that into perspective for me.

Michael talks about the practice of not listening to the insistent voice of doubt, that influence the decisions you make in your daily life; and instead allow life to unfold naturally in front of you.

I really enjoy meditation, and had truly been disciplined and strong in it from 2015-2017. But being thrown off of my regular routine, truly threw a wedge into the wheel of my life.

I am now, pushing myself to get back into it, re-committing to devote 10 min in the morning, and 10 minutes at night. 

I am praying that the sound of static electricity goes away, while I was not so successful with that last night.

This book has truly ignited a spark in me. It enforces and validates everything I had felt before about meditation, and is giving me a new strength.

[nthealth]

March 2019, getting over the embarrassment

*this content may only be understood by someone who practices holistic health care, and is informed in yoga and mind body practices.

The truth is, I have felt ashamed. I have felt very very ashamed.

I started this blog because I have been experiencing a lot of physical pain, and have felt at a loss of how to express it.

I have for many years, been very fit, very on top of my health game, an ace at being abreast of the cleanest, most comforting, and environmentally conscious food, and an amazing cook in the kitchen.

As an artist, the obtainment of good health care has been a difficult one. For a time as a full time employed product designer, I had a health care plan that enabled me to see doctors I resonated with. But in 2013 after loosing my job, I obtained Medicaid for the last six years. Thankfully I have still been able to see my general practitioner, but obtaining good therapists and holistic health care practitioners has been difficult.

For the longest time I was my own doctor. 

Through my daily yoga practice, I was able to feel any and all ailments coming on, knowing when to rest, exercise drink water, up the ginger tea and Neti pot practice, & all the rest.

In 2015, I had a panic attack, and was very over stressed. I was hospitalized and put on anti-depressants and anti-seizure medication. In April 2018, I became very fed up with the anti- depressant medication I was on. I truly felt it was affecting my thought process’ in a negative way. Feeling un heard by my doctor, and family I choose to stop taking it.

But what happened after I stopped taking the medication was something I did not expect. My circadian rhythms became completely thrown off, I was unable to wake up and make myself breakfast, and my subtle body systems began to fail.

I have been embarrassed to talk about this,

This past year has felt like hell on earth.

At 32, I am unable to take care of myself in a supportive way. Now, I struggle to get up in the morning, finding my body in a starvation mode, but also too tired to get myself out of bed to make food. 

My physical body is starting to shrink, and at times i can see my veins popping out of my arms and feet. I can feel my vibration lowering, and when a lay my head down at night, I hear a ringing sound, almost as if I am hearing or picking up the sounds of the electronics in my room.

As a sensitive person this has been extremely hard to deal with.

I am started this blog as a way to document on a daily basis how I feel, share experiences good and bad, and the ways I am trying to improve.