i'm pretty unhappy. i need to change my life but it's not really feasible. i think i'm experiencing some kind of burnout and maybe have been experiencing it for a long time but that's kind of a pathetic thing to say and also not a helpful thing to say because you can't just take a step back from caring for your ailing parents for a couple of months until you recover. i oscillate between being the loneliest girl in the world and being so grateful once i'm done with my parents for the day i don't have to be anything for anyone else. mostly, i'm just frustrated that i don't have any fight left in me. there's nothing i wouldn't do to get out of a conversation or, god forbid, having to make a case for myself, that my feelings or wants or needs matter. i don't care. it's fine that i'm sick and getting sicker, it's fine that my life hasn't ever been mine, i'll do whatever you tell me just please let me get it over with by 7pm so i can go home and stare at the wall for four hours in silence to somewhat recover before going to bed so i can get up and do it all again in the morning.