First letter to father that won’t be sent
Grew up under you made me really hurt, have attachment issues, traumas,… so many issues that I have to learn and heal myself from.
I had to learn to become more mature sooner than my age to try to find the root cause of my suffering. But thanks to it I know I am an old soul.
I had to learn to guard my heart from getting hurt by people. I had built lots of layers so that I won’t be easily hurt easily. At some point, I fear to love, I fear getting hurt, and fear of rejection. No wonder why I had problems with men
When you drank and come back using my mom, my sister, and me as emotional punchbags I was so heartbroken. I have to numb my feelings so that I won’t be getting hurt by you and family issues. But every time I heard things that you do from my mom I still hurt from time to time.
When my sister left home it is like adding fuel to a fire. My instinct told me I should get out of the house as soon as possible, the more I stay the more miserable and witnessed how badly you treated Mom and me. It is like endless suffering circles without ends.
I didn’t know what to do, the only way I can do was to escape reality and get comfort by eating. Or crying each night and hoping this nightmare someday would be ended.
There was a really dark time when every day I had an idea to end my life but I felt someone hold me back and comfort me. I tried to get it out by talking to myself every day when I am alone but mom found out so I couldn’t do it anymore.
I am thankful for how much you provide for me but you gave me empty in my father’s emotional support. I tried so hard to get recognition from you trying to be more like a boy to get a little bit of love from you or act the way you and my mother want. However, I realized that it isn’t healthy and you may not really care about that.
Every time I tried to tell you what I think what I got back is “This isn’t your problem you don’t have a voice in this” It is like “Not your damn business, don’t poke your nose in”. I lost a bit inside me, like who I am to you, why would treat me like that? Maybe I acted more “good girl” and you would love me
The mask of “good girl” is too heavy I can’t really express what I think to both of you, I neglect what I think and what I believe in suppressing my emotions to act like what you wanna. I become a doll and want some love from you waiting patiently for your love.
I knew that you wanted a son, not a daughter, I tried so hard that I act more like a boy for a long time. I tried so hard that to the point that I messed up my body at some point. Now I know one thing, even if I was born as a boy you would cheat on my mom. I found myself laughing at the silly wishes. I wish I hadn’t made those wishes at the beginning.
Frankly, I wanna put down the mask good girl and live my life and express my true-self to the world. I feel too tired with that mask already.
Every year on my birthday I wish you would stay at home and spent time with family. I didn’t ask for expensive gifts like your son from another mother. It broke my heart when you would celebrate your son’s birthday but don’t have time for me or my mother.
I don’t remember the last time our family had a meal as a family without needing a sister to return home. Even now I don’t really know how it feels when sit down and have a meal as a family and talk with each other.
I still have some really little good memories with you but that doesn’t much compare to what you give to your other children whom born from different moms. I still really treasure what you did for me at least I still have good stories to tell when people ask me about you.
Then at some point, I realized that I should come inside and love myself and I don’t have to look for love and recognition from outside. What I need is to come inside my universe, explore it and love my inner child and other parts of me that have been neglected by me
Honestly, I am still really weak inside, I wanna forgive you so that I can heal and have a good relationship with myself. So that I can finally move on and have my own life. I don’t wanna carry those bags onto me, It drags me down emotionally, physically, and mentally.
I still cry when I write this work I feel ease and relief I guess It is a sign to show that I am healing my inner self and forgiving you, my father.
This writing just a way for me to pour out emotions and heal them, I don’t hate or resent you anymore dad, I wanna forgive you to move on of my life
You give me more traumas that I don’t remember. It is just my first letter to you but I won’t send it (them) to you.
From daughter who trying to heal from the past,
