i just looked up all the posts about kurt in my own blog and while there are a LOT of them i'm kinda surprised that i made way less text posts about him than i thought i did.. there are a lot of pictures but not as much ranting as i imagined. he was just such an important figure in my teenage years. i think it's because i remade this blog in 2014. if i still had my old blog that i made in 2011 it would be different. back in those days he was literally everything to me, i was so obsessed. i will literally never forget the feeling i had when i read heavier than heaven and started researching about his life and listening to nirvana. it was obviously heartbreaking because his life ended in tragedy but so exciting at the same time because i had been searching for "my" kind of music for so long and when i listened to bleach and nevermind i was like yes! this is it! like i even remember the weather of the day i read that book, and how the living room of the apartment i lived in at the time looked like. when i was 11 i only listened to crap disney music like the jonas brothers and demi lovato (lol) and by the time i was 14 i was musically an orphan since i had outgrown that sort of music but still didn't know exactly what i liked. i remember listening to some popish indie artists that were so boring i can't even name them anymore from how unremarkable they were and forcing myself to like it but it felt so bland. and then by october 2011 when i was just a very lonely and lost teenager with no friends, for some reason i started reading a book about kurt, listened to his music and it's like something just clicked and i was never the same. i remember googling bikini kill and then slowly learning about riot grrrl and feminism and social justice and how i stopped being a homophobe overnight after i had this very religious upbringing. i miss that feeling. i was obviously very confused like anyone is at 14 but i just felt like i'd found my place in the world somehow. even if i still didn't have any friends and virtually nothing had changed in my life, something just switched inside of me. and i will always credit that to kurt. i love and miss him so much. i feel that now that i'm reaching 30, which is an age he sadly never reached, i understand him even more. i can relate to him in ways i couldn't before, and i think it's even sadder now, to think about his short life. i don't even say that because i wish he had made more music or whatever. i just really appreciate kurt the human being. i have been a fan for 15 years and there are still so many videos of him i can't bring myself to watch because seeing him in motion just makes me so utterly sad. i really wish he stuck around. but i ultimately understand his choice
turnnoffyourmind
dailybridgerton
gummygunk
romaincrisis
