Which Classics Author Should You Fight?
Charles Dickens: The Victorian equivalent of a white male tumblr meninist. Fight his past newspaper blogger ass, though the guy does write about his own "tragic experiences", so be warned that a caricature of you will probably be appearing in his next novel.
The Brontes: idk they're from Yorkshire I wouldn't risk it
Dante Aligheri: Yess he spends all his time in his room writing self-insert Bible fanfic and never goes outside, 10/10 would fight this nerd. You will win. Easily.
Mary Shelley: Why would you want to fight Mary Shelley???? She's nice and bad things happened to her and she invented scifi! Go reevaluate your life choices.
Victor Hugo: Don't. He will kill you otp viciously and then spend 38 pages describing someone's hat.
Jonathon Swift: It's 50/50 you'll win, but you might fall asleep from his long-winded prose before you land a punch.
William Shakespeare: Little is known about him, other than the fact that he had free access to bears and swords and a penchant for revenge and mass murder as plot devices. If you're gonna fight him, watch your back.
C.S. Lewis: Whiny and allergic to adjectives and allegorical and super racist. Fight Him. So long as your childhood can take it.
J.R.R Tolkien: Shakespeare's biggest fan, so a total dork. Also old and shell shocked. Your call.
William Thackeray: Him and his friends will get drunk and gang up on you. Not advisable.
Alexandre Dumas: He was once described as "the most generous, large-hearted being in the world" and had extensive military training. Just... don't.
Harper Lee: Still alive, so she's got a foot up on the rest of them.
George Orwell: Total fuckin' politics nerd. Will keep a diary of the fight.
Jane Austen: You'd feel too mean, it'd be like punching some harmless lana del-ray book club chic. Fight her if you want but be aware of the emotional consequences.
Mark Twain: Constantly angry looking. Just look at that mustache. You want to fight him already, don't you?
Oscar Wilde: The sassiest little shit ever. Be prepared for cane wielding sassmeister. You'll probably lose, but it'll be worth it.
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