KID GORGEOUS SENTENCE STARTERS — quotes pulled from john mulaney’s 2018 stand-up comedy special. feel free to make alterations.
i try to stay a little optimistic, even though i will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.
your story doesn’t have a lot of details.
whoa! what the fuck is this?
forget about that poor son of a bitch.
i thought i was going to be murdered my entire childhood.
your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.
famous people are weird as shit.
now we don’t have time to unpack all that.
i was afraid that the best buy guy was going to be mad at me.
they tricked me. they tricked me like brendan dassey in making a murderer.
at least you have baby aspirin.
none of us really know our fathers. anyway…
that’ll throw him off his rhythm.
i dare you to do it. i want you to do it.
none of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that.
this is so much nicer than what i’m about to do.
shit, i gotta wear all those layers.
you’re not getting me to no secondary location.
i lived on cigarettes and alcohol and adderall.
hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you?
get the fuck out of here with your technicalities.
we gotta think of some weird, slow activities to fill the day.
prove to me you’re not a robot.
i have hair on my shoulders now.
are you going to talk the entire time?
just ‘cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting.
years later, i’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink.
you are an idiot who fell in love with her.
i need everybody, all day long, to like me so much.
get out of here with that shit!
people say that on the internet, but never to your face.
he was the weirdest goddamn person i ever saw in my life.
what is college? stop going until we figure it out.
i lived like a goddamn ninja turtle.