.eLLE.

[o0redelle0o]

Ever happened that you cant think straight? That everything is not making sense, that you are not making sense..and accidentally making a mistake, i mean no harm.. but realizing that it was an error after i came back to myself and not knowing how to correct it at the same time idk how to deal with it..

Idk what happened or how it happened, I’ve never felt this before, while wearing a mask i was feeling suffocated and breathing seems harder and harder( its not short of breath) I am there but im not there, every muscle in my body is shaking, and the extreme fear and anxiety was taking over my body and mind and idk how to escape it and IM SO SCARED

[o0redelle0o]

Same old

I wasnt proud today.. i made an error and i dare not do change or do something about it. Im such a coward for thinking other things that will make myself feel good and say that it is okay. Well it is NOT okay. Something like that made me so pathetic and such a hypocrite. I JUST KEPT DROWNING LOW AND LOW each time and i cant seem to get up . This should me my wake up call but then my heart and mind is still EMPTY! Idkwhatelsetodo

[o0redelle0o]

I know people are concern but i hope that they will leave mo alone.. dont get me wrong good people around me wants me to strive and get out of my comfort zone but at the same time can i just do it because i wanted to and not because they want me to? Can i do it whenever im ready? Can i also say that “ i dont feel myself, i feel lost with this routine and cycle” but im not losing hope, i know one day il find myself again.. and i’ll be able to pick myself again..

[o0redelle0o]

I just feel so lost😔

[o0redelle0o]

June 20,2020 (Ca) but its June 21, 2020 (Ph)

Today i celebrated one of my friend’s 30th birthday while mourning for losing one of my friend who is just 30. I am very devastated and indisbelief of what happenned as it was so sudden, i was just talking to him via IG on Wednesday and we kept talking about life in general and adulting, he said he is ready to build a family of his own ( he is ready to settle) I even wished him his happiness in life yet i didnt know that it meant different. Today, i heard a very sad news (saturday) I loss someone who listen to me rant about my nonsense, i loss someone who writes me poems, i loss someone who teases me and make random comments on my social media post, i loss my commute/travel buddy, and most i loss one of my very close friend. No words can ease the pain but I pray that wherever he is right now, he is safe, not scared and most of all he is happy. I know that he may not be here physically but he is with us always, i know that he is not suffering anymore, no more pain, sadness or tears. I know that he is in a better place. May you rest in paradise my friend. (WA o8.o8.1989-o6.2o/21.2o20)

[o0redelle0o]

Im.not.Proud

Today i just lost it in front of my mom.. i yelled at my youngest sister “ if she is tired im fucking tired too”.. infront of my mom...some people might think its normal but not for me.. i didnt mean it but i felt that i disrespected her, and she doesnt deserve that... i apologized, i did but still and i dont have any excuse to why i did what i did and said what i said. I realized that Sometimes im just human too,,, i breakdown, i cry, i get mad and i scream and i lose all my temper,, its not something that i should be proud of but thats not gonna make me less of a person.. or human being.. I’M SORRY I AM NOT PERFECT, i make mistakes too, alot of it, i get tired too and frustrated and annoyed. And i dont even understand it myself.. im losing myself and my identity, i cant feel my purpose.. im slowly fading...</3 1o.21.2o19

[redelle]

#29

Thank you Father God for all the blessings.

[o0redelle0o]

Unsure

No exact words can explain what im feeling right now, im not happy nor sad but my heart feels heavy; very heavy. O4.23.2o19

[o0redelle0o]

Im so tired

Everything feels so exhausting right now.. i dont even know what im doing.. im like a robot with no emotions.. i kept myself busy with work (working 7days/wk) with long work hours (10-14hrs/shift) and im so mad at myself for letting things happen, for beating myself up with work.. for thinking that this sadness will go away when i kept myself busy.. i wanted to cry but im so tired and exhausted and i dont even have the energy to even cry... my motivation is literrally fractured to a point that it is stuck at its lowest point and its having a hard time getting up... my mind is full of empty thoughts, my heart is close for any love it requires.. i feel so empty and sad and alone and tired. I dont know anymore. What should i do to escape this crappy feelings... i am not someone who thinks about putting things to an end.. but i am very tired and i wanted to take a break for a moment.. but i hope it will not be a long moment.. i want my life back. o2.26.19

[o0redelle0o]

This too shall pass

Today, alot of things happened... and idk what to feel about it, im wondering if im numb or just trying to be strong. I feel sad but im not sure on how to express it, i wanted to cry but no traces of tears, my heart feels heavy but i know someone is watching me and telling me that everything is going to be alright and this too shall pass (GOD), received a news from my cousin, that my uncle is in the ICU and she was told by the doctor that her dad wont last within 24hrs, my heart dropped after hearing ther news and it became heavier when she sent another message by saying “my dad is gone” im not sure on how to respond, all i said was “im sorry for your lost, i’l pray for him, may he rest in peace”. I dont know how to console a broken heart but i still told her to be strong and she thanked me., i hesitated for a moment to let my mom know and break the news because we just heard a bad news from my dad’s biopsy test that was done early this month that the tumor in his prostate is indeed cancerous (stage 1), i know my mom is a strong woman but how can i just tell her that she lost her brother, i felt sad for her but she deserved to know about it so i did called her, she responded yea? I said tito died just now, i heard her voice shaken and said just now? And all insaid was, im sorry mom :(. I knew she was sad and ready to break down but i also know that she is a strong woman and i know she will not cry infront of everybody but she will silently and will pray for my uncle’s soul and my dad’s health. I know she is in pain, she is sad but cannot do anything, all she can is pray for things to get better. And all i can do for now is, i need to be strong for her.

[o0redelle0o]

You finally moved on

I thought i forgot about it all; i forgot about you that i moved on already.. but today i suddenly remembered you vaguely.. and i must admit i somewhat missed that smile you always give me,. But then for a moment your name is not registering in my head and i thought to myself i slowly forgotten but is it a good thing or bad? Then thats when i found you again but this time , i know that you are happy now, that you’ve moved on. I happy for you but there’s this thing in my heart that somewhat i feel sad not because u moved on and forgot about me but, me being in the same place where u and everybody else left me.. the place where i found myself happy. I dont know why im still there maybe because thats where i was genuinely happy. I know God has plans for me. Therefore il pray that you will live life full of love and happiness and hoping that i will to.

[o0redelle0o]

Emotion (s)

The constant battle between this roller coaster emotions of being happy, to being sad to being anxious and scared for no apparent reason.. it’s so hard to control it and next thing you know, it slowly taking over your body and mind.. like you just feel weak and powerless💔

[lovequotesrus]

“I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another place.”

— Michael Faudet    

[wnq-writers]

“Our relationship might be dead, but I still get a thrill in my stomach when I think I might see you again. Your eyes haunt me like a tune that’s stuck in my head. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to put these feelings to bed. I try to remember you took razor blades to my heart many times…leaving me broken and bleeding inside. But, I see ghosts of you in the faces of people I pass by; I’m jonesing hard to have you by my side. Maybe someday I’ll let the memories of you die, and I’ll undo the knot that has our souls tied. Until then, I’m linked to you across oceans and between skies…I’ll never forget you were the first to bring my heart to life.”

— Ghost Feelings

[o0redelle0o]

When you feel...

When you feel sad, lonely and nothing seems to work right and then everyone is at you.. im so annoyed... i get this habit of, the more people tells me i cant do it, why you are this and not like that... it makes me feel anxious, nervous and leads to self doubt, lack of confidence and trust in my ability and overly sensitive and emotional, and when im emotional i stress eat... (i eat my emotion; not literrally but i do eat alot of crappy foods, thats my way of venting/ranting and expressing my feelings to make me feel better... but stress eating makes me gain so much weight) like, im already chubby and petit (in short im FAT! Atleast thats what my parents and siblings tells me) which is annoying sometimes.. because i feel like my self worth is rock bottom, like nobody likes me or nobody accepts for who i am (even i sometimes dont like myself/body) i am trying, i do but then again i guess im noy trying hard enough... people doesnt seem to see all my efforts.. its annoying and i feel like giving up already.. thats why i keep praying and thanking GOD for not giving up on me, for loving me and accepting me eventhough sometimes i forget him, i dont talk (pray) to him, he is still there to guide me and to keep reminding me that I Am needed nad loved by him.

[o0redelle0o]

Just why..

Why its so hard to move on to something that never became yours, and will never be yours? Why is so hard to forget things from the past that only you can remember?

[o0redelle0o]

Will someone ever be?

Late night thoughts... a piece of puzzle that im trying to put together yet does not know what the missing is...