Oppressed By Obesity

[obeseoppression]

I'm breaking through my oppression in 2015!

[obeseoppression]

Another miserable Christmas dinner with the family. Sitting in a tiny kitchen with a bunch of people I have nothing in common with is torture. Pile on the fact that I'm the biggest in the room, and Im in the way, cant enjoy anything Im eating cause my thoughts are compiled of trying not to look like a pig, and wondering if they think I look like a pig. Im so glad its over, and Ive decided Im never going to another until its for my future family, god willing.

My 2015 plan is to  ensure these problems begin to fade.

[obeseoppression]

State of the Obese

People defend celebrities regularly by saying that we cant imagine what they grow through being famous;  being watched, and harassed all the time depending on their level of fame. That we cant imagine what it would be like to be under a microscope all the time. Obesity is a lot like being celebrity plenty of the time, except without the admiration, the adoring fans, the fame, or the fortune. Instead its all ridicule, its looks of shock, appall, its turning and pointing, its laughing at you right in your face, its less than discrete offensive insults. What this does to someones mind after years of being subjected to this, that is what people cant imagine. You start to live by a different set of rules and ideas. Everything takes a certain level of calculation, a calculation that you  that you never seem to get right. In a perfect world someone who is obese could walk down a grocery store isle and not have to feel insecure of someone making some mean gesture towards them, but the reality is different.

Personally, Ive been quite anxious at having to be seen in public, I believe I suffer from a milder case of social phobia. WebMD states "Social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is an anxiety disorder in which a person has an excessive and unreasonable fear of social situations. Anxiety (intense nervousness) and self-consciousness arise from a fear of being closely watched, judged, and criticized by others." I worry about what people think of me, how they are seeing me, and what they might be saying about me because of my weight. I try my hardest not to do anything to bring attention to myself in public. I try to go to stores when I think they'd be less busy, or crowded. When I do go to stores I will often stick to obscure isle that people don't frequent while in route to the isle that I  actually want to go to, sometimes this is longer, but its something I do as a safeguard. I try not to make any eye to face contact, if I cant make out their face, I'm less likely to start fearing if they're judging me. When I am able to make out their face, or worse our eyes meet, my anxiety intensifies.

The worse of it all though. is when I hear someone make a comment about me, and I have to just pretend I didn't hear it and keep walking. What can I do? My anxiety prevents me from having the courage of telling them off due to the reality of likely drawing in more attention to myself. Then I would just have a crowd of people thinking I'm pathetic or worse.

But My anxiety isn't limited to strangers, I still fear being judged by my friends and family too. Anytime I go to hang out with friends, friends Ive know for over 10 years, my anxiety explodes. I try to make sure I'm on time, make sure I bring whatever Ill need, do as much as I can not to make my initial entrance a bother. Because I worry they judge me too. I stopped going to family events because I felt like an outsider, and I know they are a bunch of gossips, and I simply cant bare to subject myself to being one of their topics.

This is is the psyche of the obese. Our psychological state bends in a way to protect us from mental trauma, but its not normal. Its not a state of being that anyone should be in. The state mental state of the obese is often overlooked because its not glamorous, in fact, its still wildly acceptable to fat shame. Plenty of people just look at the obese as weak, and pathetic, and that all they need to do is just lose weight. But what happens if or when the obese do lose their weight and there suddenly left with a state of mind that was calibrated for the abuse society aimed at them for their former size.

I often wonder what my life would be like if I lost all my weight, and while I normally fantasize about finally being able to live life as a I wanted, and being acceptable, or simply blending in. The thought creeps into my mind at some point that the damage being this size, and the effects society has had on me wouldn't just suddenly disappear. I actually fear in some ways that Id become more depressed. The feeling of damned if I do, damned if I don't overcomes me.  A lot of people just don't understand these things.

[obeseoppression]

It doesn't matter how much weight you lose, how much progress you think you're making. It only takes one look, one person starring at you, or one person laughing at you, to make you feel it was all for nothing. It's so hard to move forward when these obstacles occur, because to the rest of the world it isn't enough that you are trying to lose weight. It only matters if you lose it in the blink of an eye.

[obeseoppression]

Some people fantasize about what it would be like to win the lottery and to suddenly be a millionaire. I fantasize what it would be like if I were skinny, and how better off my life would be.

[obeseoppression]

I Obsess Over My Thin Male Friends

How does that sound, weird, creepy, gay even? Yeah I know, but I can't help it. I get caught in this fantasy of wondering what my life would be like as them. Thin, outgoing, cool. I have this friend Nathan, we went to the same high school a few years apart. Before moving here to boring Ohio, he lived in California. Like me his big interest is in photography, unlike me though, he is quite popular, far more outgoing, handsome, and isn't afraid to take chances. A year ago he moved to Nicaragua to shoot a film he envisioned. He shot it, hated it and is now doing some weird 14 second sketch comedy show he puts up on YouTube. If nothing else, he is insanely creative, and his photography is amazing. I want his life, I wonder what it's like to be so care free, to have girls making themselves look like desperate fools via the comment section of pictures he took of himself. To just be so brave and confident. I'm sure he's never wondered if he looked the part of a photographer, never cared to be seen taking pictures. What it's like to travel, what it's like to be thin, and do thin things; to go out. I get this way about so many people, wondering what it's like to be them, it's pathetic, and likely unhealthy but until get out of my horribe fat male life, I'll have to escape to an idea of theirs

[obeseoppression]

Skinny Guy, I?

Sitting here it suddenly occurred to me, that as much as I want to be a ripped skinny 25 year old, I don’t know what I’d be like. I’m a kind caring person, and that really gets me in trouble sometimes, it means my feelings are hurt easy, and I’m the safe bet.

Because I’m fat I can empathize with people on any level almost, having been humiliated, embarrassed and alienated so many times, its easy for me to relate to people going through hard times. I’ve had a lot of sleepless nights. But what would I be so sensitive if I were thin all my life? I don’t think I would be

While being the size I am has kept me on the sidelines, the shadows, excluded, it gave me insight, compassion,understanding, a mind of my own. I might be just like my brothers had I been skinny; which lately I’ve been feeling like that’s not such a bad thing, even though it is.

Even now, if within the next few years I found a miracle diet, and lost all my weight, would I still be me. Or would I become someone else, would I completely detach from my past and become a worse person, a jerk, like the people that made me feel like crap. I don’t know.

I want to be skinny, and I want to remain me, but this life is so hard, losing all the weight might feel like I’m getting a do-over, and suddenly life I’ve never had would be mine, and maybe I’d want nothing todo with current me. Leave the pain behind

It scares me what I could become, but honestly it’s looking like Ill never get the chance to find out anyways.

[obeseoppression]

And So It Resumes

It’s been a while since I posted. It’s not as if I suddenly lost weight, its not as if I suddenly stopped having things to write about, it’s not even that I got bored with this. My absence really was because I reached a point where I simply didn’t have the energy to write, lol. As if it was so hard to sit here, like I am now, on my couch and type on my iPad. It really isn’t. I guess I reached a point of total I don’t give a fuckery to where even the one area of my life I enjoyed stopped giving me joy.

It’s been a rough couple months too. But I have lots of stories, feelings, emotions and angst to write about. So stay tuned.

[obeseoppression]

Truth Is, I Am Still Naive

Title says it all. I still think that, if I lost all my weight, all my problems would be solved, because my way is the root. I have this plan to start a diet in February and try to lose a lot of within a year of the starting date. Diets are so completely hard for me, I get discouraged, the biggest loser being on the air hasn't really pushed me the way it used to. So now I plan on just starting a lifestyle change come new next month.

Two of my friends recently got gym memberships, with a third considering getting one too, it may sound odd, but I would totally implode of the people around me starting shrinking and getting fit. Making me even more of an eyesore! I also believe however, that I'm the one who has the most chance of succeeding if we're all trying to make change. February.

More on this soon, and more stories and more updates!

[obeseoppression]

Birthday

So yesterday is my 25th birthday, I didn't enjoy it one bit. Mom asked me early, what am I 24, 25? Yeah mom, I’m 25. I’m not at all where I thought, or wanted to be a by 25. I know its my fault, I know no one else is to blame, I know I had the power to be where I wanted to be. But I allowed my weight to oppress, and really I still am. I've pretty much given up on my hopes, dreams and future. I was suppose to be finishing college, and be moving to the next phase, career development, then family. But instead I'm single, and though I get lonely, its for the best as I am much too insecure with myself to be in a healthy relationship. I could see myself relying too much on that someones affection. And as for career, I work at on the lowest level of retail and only completed a year of school. I'm a flop. I just don't know what it will take at this point for me to change the direction of my life. Im 25 feels like Ive ruined what should have been the best years of my life, and doom the ones to come.

[obeseoppression]

Comfort Eating

Hey Tumblr, its been a few days since I posted but Christmas happened and I really just needed some extra time to recover. I'm  back today to talk about comfort eating, when we just binge on food when we are upset, or happy, or lonely, or  just bored, through my own experience  Food listens without saying a thing. All you know is for whatever reason your world is flipped upside down, or right side up and you need someone to vent to, but instead of venting you eat, and food is OK with that. 

Why is it so easy to just eat like there is no tomorrow when we are bored or upset? Well I think its because, really, its more time consuming than we think. We eat whatever we are eating, w are generally fixated on that, and before you know it, its over and you're done. Then when you are un-full you can do it all over again. Its like a drug, it gives you the pleasure you want, but its going to hit you with the side effects later, those effects being the guilt and weight gain. The food doesn't judge you, or make you feel like less of a person, the food is there for you, and its delicious. Its so easy to get wrapped up in comfort eating, because it temporarily takes reality away for some of us.

When I was younger, mom used to work the night shift, and Id be left home alone from around 10:30 pm, the idea was I was to sleep until early morning, get up, get ready and go to school. But I couldn't sleep, and I hated being in that house alone at night, especially after my dog had run away. So I would sneak into the living room once she left, with the light and tv on and then throw some sausage dogs into the microwave, and eat myself silly until I couldn't take anymore, or fell asleep.

Nowadays when I'm have nothing todo, which is most the time, Ill just stuff my face until I feel like utter shit. Its pretty much counter-productive, sometimes I dont even get any pleasure out of it, its just a sick thing I do. Eat. More than I need when I dont need to, but it makes the time go by, and there is somehow comfort in that

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Remember when all those generic anti bullying anthems came out. Firework, fkin perfect, we r who we are and born this way? I remember thinking how these weren't targeted at the overweight. I remember watching the music video to lady gagas born this way, and seeing nothing but half naked size zero women, and chiseled, ripped men dancing around. I couldn't help but feel like "if this is what being different looks like, sign me up" they were a very lucky looking different.

[obeseoppression]

Will I Or Wont I?

Well xmas is just hours away. And once that's all over everyone will be making their new years resolutions. Every year, perdictably, I make the same one. Lose weight, get healthy, be happy. But I always fail, so this coming year I've been thinking of just not making one. These things tend to make my year feel worse knowing its ended in failed resolutions doesn't help anything with already crippled outlook on the year. Maybe its best I not do it, and then maybe next year I won't have so many things to beat myself up over

[obeseoppression]

Fat in Society

Have you seen that Ragu commercial where its talking about how more people are choosing it over some other brand? The lady in the commercial then asks herself what other bad decisions has she made, the shot moves to a 80's style dating show with three men behind a wall. She picks number two, a colorful eccentric fat guy. The other two were your average skinny guys. The rhetoric behind this was she picked the fat one when she could have picked a skinny one. Fat is bad, what a bad decision. 

Why is it okay for this type of humor be used. Had this commercial implied the same thing about being gay or a minority or having a disability it would be an outrage and stripped from the airwaves. But its not taboo to mock the fat. It is perfectly socially acceptable to rip us to pieces. The very idea of fat sends some into panic, tell me why  they try there hardest to hide news anchor pregnancy's so much? Its like, hello, shes fucking pregnant we know what happens comes naturally. Like what the fuck. It sometimes feel like its more of a crime to be fat, than to have actually done a crime.

[obeseoppression]

Alternative School

I knew since I was in the 3rd grade that I needed to lose 70% of my weight before I hit high school. I was told that the girls in high school were the hottest, but I was also told that high school is mean, and through many years of elementary and middle school I knew exactly what that might feel like. The high school was humongous, far bigger than our massive 7-8 middle school. At the end of 8th grade, I was given the option of going to the main high school, or the alternative. I knew that the few friends I did have were going to the high school, and that most the people I knew would also. But I had it so rough in 8th grade that I could only imagine the torture Id be put through in the main high school, so I turned it down. In favor of the 80% smaller alternative high school that was smaller than most of our 5 elementary schools.

It didn't mean that I had a better experience, cause really I didn't  but it meant that it would be less harsh. It also meant that I missed out on a lot of things, dances, party's   football games, normal high school things. At least I tried to tell myself that, I knew deep down that those things weren't things I would attend unless I was skinny. I always hated explaining to people why I didn't go to the main high school, I always made up some bullshit story.

I always felt like I missed out on a proper I school experience, both cause of my weight and because I went to the alternative school. I don't really have many fond memories of high school. Graduation was pretty awkward, the alt school and main high school did their  graduation as one. So I was standing with peers I had not seen in years. Looking around that day I just wanted to disappear  I felt like everyone looked different, better, cooler... except me. I dread the day I receive an invitation to our reunion...

[obeseoppression]

Reba

After Matt, the next big friend I made in high school was named Reba, a girl. Reba was friendly, a little shy, and quiet. We had several classes together and very quickly we became really good friends. I tried not to have a crush on her, but I secretly did. She never knew though, I knew well enough my chances with her romantically were none. I was glad to have her in my life, we talked non-stop. If we weren't hanging out at school we were texting and talking on the phone. Our favorite show at the time was The O.C, we would talk through the entire show, about the show. She even helped me devise a diet plan, printed out this "100 tips" thing that I still have several pages of.

She meant a lot to me, and like Matt we could talk about just about anything. It was a slightly different dynamic, but it worked. I loved being in school just because of her, she made it exciting and fun. One day she was pulled out of classes abruptly, and I didn't hear from her until the following day. She told me her dad had a heart attack and was in bad shape. I felt awful and did all I could to support her through those hard times, but she finally got through it. Her dad was alright and things returned to normal. Then she met a guy.

It was a tough pill to swallow when she told me she liked a guy, and that they were going to go on a date, for someone who I talked to all the time, this was all of sudden. It was devastating  but I cheered her on and pretended to be happy for her, even though it made me sick. This new guy was a complete and total fail. His name was CJ or something, bottom of the barrel type, she could do better. Shortly after they started dating, our friendship started to collapse, and not because of jealousy, at least not mine. Her new boyfriend was incredibly controlling, and there were rumors he was physically abusive, she would never open up to me about it though. And eventually she just stopped talking to me. She started sitting in different seats in class, avoiding me in the halls, and ignoring my texts. Every time I would see her she would be glued to her boyfriend, sometimes it looked so uncomfortable.

I was having a hard time accepting the loss of such a good friend. I felt abandoned and alone. I remember firing off a very angry email to her over summer, I dont remember what I said, but when she replied she basically told me to stay out of her life, and that I no longer existed. I fell into a pretty serious depression over this, which I think could have been the gateway depression to all my depression. 

Then I re-met Monica, a childhood friend whom I never knew was related to Reba. We weren't very close, and I secretly hated her. She had a seriously bad personality/attitude. But we eventually started talking about Reba  What I found out was devastating, I basically learned that everything I knew about her was a complete and utter lie, she had lied about so much, her values, her family, even her middle name. But worst of all, her dad never had that heart attack! I also found out she was pregnant, and that she got pregnant only a few weeks after meeting mr wrong, which by the way was completely against the kind of person she made herself out to be.

Now I had to wonder what the fuck I had been doing all this time, I had still been missing her, but this new information was fucking my mind. How could I have been so close with someone, had such a personal connection, and not realize everything that spewed from their mouth was a lie! I couldn't believe it, but a lot of things started making sense. I wanted so badly to confront her about her compulsive lying ways, but I just didn't have it in me to do so. Once again I was alone in high school. Feeling more worthless than ever, and betrayed. Once again in the race of life I was coming in dead last.

I now see her on Facebook commenting on some of our mutual friends status', the very sight of her invokes strong feelings, but mostly resentment. Im tempted to just block her so I don't have to see her face, she is however still with that guy from high school. They are married now, so there is that.

[obeseoppression]

I Used To Want To Be My Older Brothers

I grew up with two older brothers. They were terrible influences actually, they did a lot of bad things and were always in trouble. A revolving game of jail time they played, still they were considered cool to many I knew, even some of my friends thought so. If nothing else my brothers were fit and athletic, and jacks of many trades.

I used to be stopped by people that knew them "oh your soandso's brother", yup that was me, I hated how popular they were. I envied it. Why couldn't that be me? Oh yeah because I was fat, that's why. I hated how they could be such bad people and command such admiration, while I was playing the role of the good (but fat) guy and went mostly unnoticed. Trust me there weren't people stopping them saying "oh you're Brandon's brother, right." No, never.

My brothers always had incredibly toxic relationships with their woman, yet I envied that they could have so many woman dying for their affection. They have kids now, and while I wouldn't want to be a father under the same circumstances,  my nephews are pretty cool. My newest nephew only a few months old, is so legit. I often wonder what the mothers ever seen in the dads, but I guess its true what they say girls love the bad boys and nice guys finish last.

Even with all their many. many problems and bad traits and just awful everything. I would have been willing to trade it all to be in their shoes, sell out completely. Its not something Im proud to admit. But to be fun, skinny, popular and the object of many's affection always seemed better than being fat, obscure, and the object of no ones affection.