We were both the problem, but I made you worse.
I saw everything as black and white. Every small argument sounded like sirens and everything turned red. I didnāt know what to do. I thought it meant the end. I thought thatās what it meant. Even though it never felt right. It was push and pull. Every time.
You fought so hard for me. Like no one ever has. Beyond patient, kind, considerate, sweet.
But then you were cold. You were confusing. You avoided conversations about love. You got angry. You confused me.
The things you did, that you did for no one else. The things you said, that surprised even you. Was that your āI love youā?
I always found a problem. I over-analyzed. I thought I saw the red flags waving at me. But they were actually boundaries, and forgivable mistakes.
But I still get confused. This is my first time crying about you in ages. It was X years ago. It still brings me to tears. Iām confused because of what you did. The women you likedā¦ the girls. The comments to me. The ādo you wanna have sex?ā after I cry. The āshiny new toyāā¦ the other things Iāll keep inside. I get confused.
But itās X years later.
Youāre in love. So loudly. So comfortably. So certain. Thereās probably no fighting for anything. It just comes, with ease. But I still have no answers. If it was youā¦ if you gave those things to me (which every finger pointed to you but I loved you so much I refused to believe you could be that evil).. how could you? And how could you be gifted this life?
While I remain continually betrayed, violated, deceived, and alone. No matter how cautious I am, no matter how many walls I put up. You became the rest. But worse. And with every drop of love I could ever give someone. It was all I had. Now wasted, forgotten, and gone.
Itās been years. I donāt love you anymore. But this āwhat could have been?ā has lingered over me today. I couldāve been different. I was the problem. I was too much. Too emotional, confrontational, eccentric, opinionated, autonomous.
I should have compromised. I should have. But would we still have ended? Would you still have done the things youāve done?
Im completely changed. My walls are steel, airtight next to the other. I am trying. But I canāt seem to let them down yet. Will i ever? And when I doā¦ can I be comfortable risking it all over again? Knowing that the odds are so against meā¦ that love is somehow so scarce in my life. But pain and betrayal is so so abundant.
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
pixelskylines
dededos
titsay
origamiaround
