™

I've got way too many feels.

[ohhlovelynn]

Thoughts and feelings are fleeting and yet they drive so much of our actions, our behavior.

[ohhlovelynn]

A message

To this day I’ve questioned whether what I had asked from you back then was too much. Were my feelings valid? Did my thinking sound logical? Was what I was asking doable? It has been months since we were last a “we” and I was still unsure. However let me tell you this.

What I was asking of you to do for me, for us, was never too much. I let you do “you.” I let you tend to whatever responsibilities or relationships you had, but even in doing that you couldn’t even reach out to me? You felt that you HAD to do it? You felt forced? Pressured? Did it make you feel terribly annoyed to know that I was waiting for you? Did all of my love for you turn you off? How could I have let one person “have so much power over me?” Like you so delicately put it? Because I loved you. With my whole heart. Shame on you for making a person feel as if they were overbearing. A bother.

When we were together then, I had thought about ending things. I did. But I could never pull the trigger on us. I could never go through with it. But you did. Good for you.

[ohhlovelynn]

4.17.18

i didn’t really get a chance to say all that I wanted to say because I was still processing at the time..but I want you to know that I’m sorry that you got to the point where you felt like you had no other choice but to end our relationship. And I’m sorry if I somehow triggered that decision by the things that I said or did. I never meant to hurt you, stress you out, put pressure on you or anything like that. I want you to reach your goals and I understand if you felt like you needed to do that without me. I enjoyed our time together. You gave me a first love that I always wanted to have.

[ohhlovelynn]

Dream time 1/17/18

We were in the car. You were in the drivers seat. I must’ve been already upset because I was in the backseat. Well that’s why I told you didn’t have to do the laundry anymore because you were worrying about every detail. Well good. Sung is gonna be happy when I tell her I’m single now. I can’t be in the car anymore so you can just drop me off the keys and I’ll uber home or I can just drop you off now. I told you from the get go that I had high expectations and you weren’t gonna reach them. I can’t believe you’re not fighting for us right now after all the bullshit things you used to say.

[wordsnquotes]

Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.

Daniell Koepke (via wordsnquotes)

[ohhlovelynn]

Friendship

Things I've considered to indicate we're closer than the average friend: 1) we've drank together 2) we've danced together 3) we've travelled together 4) you've seen me with no makeup on

[searshae-deactivated20170713]

Things INFJs won't ever admit

1. That they’re actually lonely.

2. That they’re tired of helping others sometimes.

3. That they need help too.

4. That they want people to put effort into understanding them, just as they put effort into understanding people.

5. That they don’t watch the news because it breaks their heart to know all the misfortunes that are happening around the world.

6. That they sometimes hate themselves and wish they were an extravert/any other common types so they could finally know how it feels to belong somewhere.

7. That they believe they’re going to die alone because they’re too complex to understand, and too demanding to love.

[infjadvice]

A lesson for romantic INFJs

Romantic love isn’t the end all be all. If you live your life believing that then you will put unrealistic expectations and pressures on a flawed human being who will never be able to live up to your fantasy. You’ll also ruin your ability to have healthy problem solving. Any issue that may come up will feel like the end of the world because this person or relationship is supposed to be “perfect.” You ruin your ability to compromise, communicate, and move on. Skills that are absolutely required to have a healthy relationship. And if you’re terrified to be alone, you’ll stay with someone you’re not supposed to be with.  It also devalues the importance of being happy and single. If you’re looking for someone to “fix” you and can’t be alone, you are asking too much. Your unhappiness is yours alone to solve. If you’re familial relationships and friendships aren’t going well then work on those. Friends and family should be a source of tremendous support and be able to fill most of your social needs. Those relationships should just as much of an investment as a romantic one.

If you want love, get your shit together first. Become a healthy communicator who’s aware of their boundaries and needs. Work on the relationships you have and on your relationship with yourself. Only then will you be ready for the difficult task of loving a real human being for who they are.

[ohhlovelynn]

I feel like lately I've been going through the motions. Not really feeling anything too deeply, just filling up my days. Not really working towards anything. Feeling a little lost. Having another quarter life crisis perhaps. Although technically, technically, I'm no longer a quarter into my life. Working is such a drag. Going to school sucks. Summer is coming up, but for some reason I view the events or trips I have planned as distractions. Not exactly sure what they're distracting me from however...

[infjadvice]

Because of our idealistic tendencies, INFJs often sabotage their own love lives. They aren’t willing to date around because they think they already have a perfect vision of what they want in their heads not to mention they want things to happen ‘naturally’ with no awkward small talk which dating often requires. But this causes INFJs to invest too much in the few relationships they manage to find, assume that love is terribly hard to find, and that you have to stay in a relationship that is no longer making you happy just because you once thought they were ‘perfect.’ But no one is ‘perfect’ and INFJs often learn this too late. Please, please, if you learn any advice from me learn this: no one on this earth is responsible for your fulfillment but you. There is no one person out there who likes everything that you do, who thinks the same way you do about everything, and who will never disappoint you. If INFJs actually dated they’d understand this. As they went out on dates with new people every weekend they’d realize that everyone will disappoint them at some point. They’d also realize that you can love many people in your lifetime, sometimes more than one at once. They’d encounter enough disappointments that they’d actually learn which disappointments are actually dealbreakers and which ones they can live with. They learn what they really really like having in a partner verses what they absolutely need.

It’s perfectly okay to date many people before settling down. It’s not unromantic; it’s realistic. You shouldn’t have to put the pressure on the first person you fall in love with that you have to be together forever. You’re learning from them. Learning about them, learning about love, and learning about yourself. If you find long lasting love with the first person you date then you are incalculably lucky. If you really want to find love you have to accept that it’s a trial and error process. Know that you deserve happiness but it takes hard work to find.

Love much,

Stay Awesome

[ohhlovelynn]

5.12.17

My love tank is full because of my wonderful friends and family. 😊

[ohhlovelynn]

I think a year ago I was disappointed and now a year later I'm disappointed all over again just because of one guy. When will I learn to let the bad guys go? And the good guys in?

[ohhlovelynn]

Recently I've discovered that I have issues. Deep underlying issues. Issues that I'm not even sure I can overcome. I can get people to talk about themselves that's no problem. They'll talk and talk, which is fine because as I'm gathering information, I'm at the same time analyzing what I'm finding out. This helps me figure out if you're the right one for me. If we'll be a good match for each other. The problem is I want to be heard too. I want to be understood. I want someone to ask me a question not because they feel they've been talking too much and now it's my turn, but that they genuinely, truly want to get to know me. And yet when they ask me a question I hate revealing anything about myself because it's such an unfamiliar feeling. When I look back on my previous encounters, my previous relationships, nobody knew me. My last ex? Ha! Now that I think about it, how many stories of my past did he really hear? What did I really share with him I wonder? So I've realized I've never opened up to anybody. EVER. And sometimes I feel that no one really wants to know.

[ohhlovelynn]

After all this time.

For once hearing from him didn't piss me off as much as it did before. And for the first time I was even contemplating replying to his text with a, "You did a good job." To me it's interesting that after all this time my ex still has the need to contact me, for one, but to also prove his worth to me by showing off his remodeled home. I had hoped that it would've been enough for him to know that he had accomplished something after all and that my opinion no longer mattered. However the act of contacting me after two years to show off, if you will, shows that I still have some kind of hold on him somehow. I really wish for him to be free.

[ohhlovelynn]

To stop thinking.

I feel that for me taking that one hour to do nothing but dancing not only physically has its benefits. But for that one hour I don't have to think. I'm always just thinking and overthinking. And there's just so much that goes on. Ideas that bounce around that I haven't quite got sorted out yet. So they just kind of float around in my head until I'm finally ready to take one and organize it away. But I haven't been able to, so when things are overwhelming they start not floating but colliding into one another. They start bouncing off the walls, into each other, and for that one hour things just sort of freezes. All of my overwhelming thoughts, ideas, whims are at a standstill. I stop thinking. Because I'm doing. And I'm at peace.

[ohhlovelynn]

"You're someone who makes me feel secure just by existing."

[noorshirazie]

‘i am happy on my own,’ you defiantly told me, but i saw the way you glanced at that couple in the park. is that one-bedroom apartment starting to feel too quiet, too empty, too big for your aching heart? you will drown yourself in projects at work, hiding away from the loneliness that creeps into your bones when there is nothing left to distract your senses. you tell yourself you are content with the life you chose, but how worthwhile is it when there is no one to share it with?

Noor Shirazie, into the wildfire: battle scars (via noorshirazie)